A/N - this is a personal chapter that pretty much describes my life. That said, it is also very much fictionalised. I have no idea if Min actually feels this way (I hope she doesn't), but I chose her to be the character that felt this way because I felt her disposition was the best fit. I am in no way insinuating that Min is fat or that she is less pretty or talented because of her body, in fact I hoped to do the opposite.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week, so I also geared this chapter towards that. Eating disorders have a mortality rate of over 20%, the highest of all mental ilnesses, and kill more people than any other mental illness every year. As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder/body image for nearly 7 years, I want you to know that recovery is possible and that life is better with it. I really does feel like a twisted reality when you're in the midst  of the disorder, but it's nothing compared to recovery. That's not to say that recovery is easy, because it is the most difficult thing I have ever done and something I have to work on daily. But it is so worth it.

To anyone out there who may be struggling, there is help and hope for you. Please don't hesitate to contact NEDA or even message me for questions, advice, or just someone to vent to. I want to be here for you in whatever capacity I can, because you all mean the world to me. <3 stay strong and thank you for taking the time to read this.

<3 mei

Rehearsals for Fame were getting more intense by the week, and I barely had time to eat or sleep in between rehearsals, classes, homework, and my two jobs. Yet somehow I still always managed to put in time for all activities and all people, namely JiYong, even though he had gone underground to the media. We had long and deep text conversations where I divulged much of my dark past and vice versa, conversations that I treasured. Outside of my mobile-life, I had begun to slip into some old bad habits (mainly skipping meals in-between my schedules), but nothing had become of it, and a meal here and there wasn’t a big deal, right?

Eating disorder habits (or lack thereof?) aside, I was getting ready for another opening at ZZXYZ. It was the beginning of December, roughly another month after my encounter with Sunye, when I received a text from JiYong regarding another “client.”

Sender: JiYong oppa

Ay JJ. I’m sending another idol friend your way. I think you’ll really be able to relate to her. She really needs your kind of help, and I think you’ll be able to help her, just like you did me.

But be warned - she’s a feisty one.

I stared at the text. My kind of help? A feisty one? What was that supposed to mean? Either way it appeared as though I was to have another “client” (that was my new codeword for my idol friends who came seeking my help, even though there had only been two up to this point). I sighed to myself, sending a quick text back beforeI continued my bar opening procedures. 

Sender: Ju JiYoung

Arasso, I’ll be on the lookout. Hope you’ve been well in the meantime.

My phone immediately buzzed in response.

Sender: JiYong oppa

I’ve been well. Bored out of my mind but glad I at least have you to talk to. >.< You “get” me. Komawo. Look at me. Now I’m getting greasy and cheesy. Seungri must be rubbing off on me.

Anyways, hope things are well with you too JJ.

My heart warmed at the last text. No-don’t go there mind! I shook my head for what would be the first of several times tonight to clear my thoughts.What was JiYong up to anyway in his MIA-not-MIA? Did he care for me like his text insinuated? Or was that all in my head? Did he just have nothing better to do than send all his friends my way for free therapy? Either way I forced laughed to myself at the entire situation. I wasn’t complaining, not one bit. But let’s be real, who would’ve thought that I would have been a counsellor to the stars after all this time?

It was right before last call that a short haired woman approached me, clothed in dance sweats and a ball cap.

“Ju JiYoung, majayo?”

I turned around to face none other than Min from MissA. She let out a deep breath in a huff and uncrossed her arms.

“I hate my body.”

I raised my eyebrows in shock. Even though I despised my own body, I thought Min had the body of a goddess. She had curves in the right places and was fit and toned. The bluntness of her words, combined with the statement itself, left me dumbstruck. That and why me? Was JiYong playing some cruel joke by sending someone with body issues to another person struggling with the same?

“I…er…I…”

C’mon JiYoung, get your together. Like JiYong said, you out of anyone should be able to relate to her. Say something!

Min just stared at me with an intensity in her eyes that was hard to pin down. I swallowed hard and started again.

“I hear you Min ssi…and I can empathise.”

Min scoffed.

“How can you empathise? You have such a petite frame and don’t have the pressures of the entire industry forcing you into a one-size-fits-all mould.”

I bit my lip. She had a point there. At least the latter half of her argument did. I didn’t have the nation’s eyes constantly scrutinising my every move and how I looked at all times. I looked down at my body. I definitely wasn’t petite…or was it? I had slipped into old habits, but I hadn’t changed any…had I? I looked down again and was somewhat shocked at what I saw. I hadn’t even noticed between my schedules that I had lost some weight. Nothing severe, but my inner anorexic couldn’t help but jump for joy at the slight difference in feel, particularly the gap I felt growing between my thighs. I shook my head to bring me back to reality.

“You’ve probably heard this before Min ssi, but we’re all meant to have different shaped bodies. It’s how we were created.”

I paused, shaking my head again.

“Honestly Min ssi, I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder for nearly ten years. Recently I’ve been engaging in negative behaviours, albeit mostly subconsciously. I don’t think I’m the best person to take advi