Sometimes I wonder why I even moved to this country, why I dropped everything, family, a job, friends, potential - ok maybe not so much the last two but you know what I mean - to move halfway around the world to a country where I barely spoke the language (I can say speak now, but only because when you’re thrown into a nation where all they speak a language that isn’t your first, you have no choice but to learn it and to learn it fast).

But where was I...right. Why did I move here? Honestly, it’s because I wanted to be one of them. A K-pop star. A Hallyu phenomenon. An idol. Making it big in America just didn’t have the same appeal to it as fame in South Korea did, so one day I told my parents that I was leaving, with the intent of one day seeing my name in bright lights across some marquee and coming home someday to proud parents, prouder than the ones who smile too-big smiles and pat your back stiffly in congratulation upon getting your AA. In English. With honors. Yeah, that’s my family.

But here I am now, living in Gangnam, Seoul, South Korea. One would think that by now, some four or so years later, I’d at least have landed some kind of musical gig or have been scouted or have had my lyrics/translations sought out.

Nothing. 

Why you ask?

It’s not for lack of talent. I don’t mean to sound cocky or conceited, but I have a crisp, clean voice that, while it may not be a powerhouse like Whitney Houston’s, I can still belt notes on key (if you’re looking for some kind of equivalent, think Lyn or Navi or if you want an American equivalent, then Demi Lovato but without the whininess. Ultimately my soul aims for Jessie J, but my vocal abilities scream no). And it’s not because I can’t dance. Twelve years of dance training isn’t all for naught, and even through the years of eating disorder hiatus I was able to maintain decent form. And it’s not because I can’t write songs. Back in the states I had people in awe over my mastery of the English (key word) language, and how I worked magic with just those 26 letters and weave them into a story, music always composed to accompany it.

No, it’s not for any of that. It’s sheerly because of my lack of self-confidence. I felt that by moving to a place where no one knows my name, much less pronounce it, that I would feel more secure in letting my inner passion shine. I wouldn’t have my parents breathing down my back, constantly telling me why my dream of becoming a star is a pipe dream, is wishful thinking, is a waste of time, energy, and money. I could completely reinvent myself, without fear of ridicule of peers, family, American society, etc. But when I got here, none of those things disappeared like I hoped they would. They were stuck to me like gnats to fly paper. I couldn’t shake these fears, no matter how hard I tried. When it’s been ingrained in you for twenty-one years that Hollywood-esque dreams are only for those with no real future, you become weary of your own aspirations and trusting yourself enough to go after them.

That’s where I am.

Granted, having had an eating disorder, severe bipolar, and depersonalization/derealisation doesn’t help. Constantly comparing my body to the lithe, [anorexic] bodies of the goddesses of SNSD doesn’t help. I have curves. While my body may resemble that of the beautiful MissA’s Min, the little voice at the back of my head keeps telling me that the tiny waist of KARA’s Hara or the long, lean legs of SNSD’s Soohyun or the cute frame of Brown Eyed Girls’s Ga In or the entirety of Girl’s Day is better than what I have. And I don’t mean this as any disrespect to Min in any way. She, along with CL and Ailee, have been my top three favorite female idols ever since, well, forever. But I know Min’s felt this exact same pressure too. We’ve spent many a long night discussing the matter. How you ask? I’ll get to that later. But back to the reasons behind my lack of success. My psychological state doesn’t help. And neither does being a happa. Being half Asian (Chinese) and half Caucasian does you no favors if you’re trying to make it in the Korean entertainment industry. You’re seen as a mutt, a good-for-nothing mix of God knows what. Especially since I can’t speak the language of my ancestors, I’m rendered useless in the idol industry. So with all of that on the table, where does that leave me?

Anywhere and consequently, nowhere. Right now, I am here in Gangnam, the very same district Psy so infamously sang about, where I make my living as a bartender. Six nights a week I bartend at one of the biggest nightclubs/bars in the district (one that is often frequented by idols, just like Min), while during the days I split my time between attending Seoul National University (trying to double major in English literature and psychology and minor in theater/dance performance, overachiever, I know) and teaching contemporary dance classes at LP Dance Studio with the occasional hip-hop session thrown in when headmaster Minki decides not to show up.

Oh, and with all that I’ve nearly forgotten to introduce myself. I’m Elizabeth Ju, or if we’re close, “Izzy.” Except only people in the States call me that. Upon moving here I wanted to be called by my Chinese name, Fei Lan, but seeing as though Miss A already had a member with that name and that a Chinese name might ostracize me further, I opted for the Korean equivalent of my Chinese name. When I was born, my Gong Gong bestowed me with the name Fei Lan, saying that I would one day grow to be a “wise and beautiful flower,” a title I still seek to fulfill (though to my credit, I have made attempts through plum blossom and Chinese proverb tattoos. There is a Korean one too about tigers, but that may come into play later). After some (not so) extensive and (not so) reliable Google research, I finally found the Korean equivalent. So with all that needless, extensive background history, let me finally formally introduce myself, in (romanized) Korean.

Annyeonghasayeo, Ju JiYoung imnida.

AUTHOR'S NOTE

This was actually the very first fanfic I ever wrote, so please excuse the nonsensicalness and the outdatedness of this story. It's also the most personal one, outside of my Hansel and Gretel rewrite (which I am still working on). The main character and her experiences are based on my life (the picture is actually a photo of me) and with the exception of helping the idols, everything else is true. With that said, I do not own G-Dragon, BIGBANG or any of its members, Sunye or Wonder Girls, Min or MissA, Kris, Luhan, or any of EXO, or any photos of them unless stated otherwise. This plot is a work of fiction (with the exceptions I stated above) and any resemblance to another fic is pure coincidence. Now with all that said, I hope you enjoy this fic as much as I have enjoyed writing it! Pleaes let me know what you think in the comments below and feel free to subscribe, upvote, or message me with any thoughts. Kamsahmnida and saranghae!

<3 mei