One month had been passed.

I wanted him back.

I wanted to engulf him into a very tight embrace and never let him go.

All of this waiting was so torturing. My heart had shattered into pieces which made it harder for me. I was afraid if I wasn’t strong enough to keep carry on.

I missed his comforting scent, which only bring me into tears every time I had to face the cold reality that he was no longer by my side.

Everything became so dull and vacant. The only person whom I had is Him, the only reason why I kept living till now is Him. He is the reason why I still breathing till this very moment.

But, he left me.

That night he said that he can’t take it anymore. He said that he had enough with everything. He said that he wanted to end everything. He said he can’t no longer in here, with me. No matter ho many times I told myself that I deserve all of this so it will be less hurt, but still it did.

Acting as if I’m okay, acting as if I’m fine with it. Do you know how much it hurts? As if someone had stabbed me on the heart. It had been bleeding and wounded but they kept stabbing it, made me ran out of breath. Not because I was dying but because the pain was just too much.

I should have listening to my friends’ advice “Don’t get involve too much. Go when you have the chance.”

But, as always I was so stupid.

A few years ago I should have follow Minho’s step, to be a police.

A few years ago I should have follow Jinwoo’s step, quit the dirty circle.

Four years ago I should have follow Seungyoon’s step, leaving the sinful job.

And three years ago I should have listen to Seungyoon’s words, ended the contract and start to build a normal life with him.

There were too many things that I regretted. It filled up all of the space of my hearts, leaving no rooms for self-forgiveness.

When it was? I couldn’t quite remember. I was just an innocent little kid at that time, when I started to get involved in this sinful world. It started from my father, he was the one who dragged me into this sin. I didn’t blame him though, our family condition was the one that caused all of this. My mom was sick, her face always looked so pale and tired as if she had done a heavy job when in fact, she just mopping around in the house, rarely going out because her fragile body. I still remember how I used to accompanying her in her small bedroom, holding her thin hand and the back of her hand softly. I was around seven or maybe eight years old at that time, I couldn’t quiet remember, there were too much thing that had been going on in these past few years that made me hardly could remember everything accurately.

My father rarely at home, he will come by when he had time as if his house is a tourism destination and his work place is his home. Whenever I asked him about his job he would answer me with a smile and said that one day I will know it by myself, he said that he works for my mother and I.

Until one day he asked me to tag along with him to his work place, leaving my mother alone which made me worry. During the trip I have imagined how great my father’s work place would be, a tall and big building which standing proudly on that bright blue sky, that was what painted on my head. But, a big twist had ruined my beautiful imagination when my father lead me into a vacant traditional market walking through a small crowd of people, mostly elderly people. Entering a small shop and then that is it… day when I became a person like who I am right now.

I decide to enter that dirty work for my mother’s sake. Whoever Minho, my childhood friend along with Jinwoo hyung had a different choice, while Jinwoo hyung and I decide to follow out father’s step. Minho had his own surprising choice. It was, maybe, when we were 12 years old, he said that he want to stop because he wanted to be a police, at that time I couldn’t help but laugh at his –in my opinion- silly exclamation. For me, no, for people like us it was such an impossible thing, we came from a poor fa