That familiar blue dress, rippling in the white walls, as the pale body hunches over in an old waiting room chair. Her grey eyes dance, her sight skimming from one end of the hallway to the other, watching two boys’ dart across the space. The shorter one takes decisive lunges towards her and pounces onto her lap. The woman ruffles his hair and plants a kiss on his forehead. She pulls him in, and the other son leaps in as well, her arms tightly wrap around their tiny bodies.

  It is a hug that says ‘goodbye’.

  ‘Goodbye, but I love you.’

  And I can clearly hear those words in Chanyeol’s voice.

  “Jane.”

  I rest my hand on her shoulder and her head tilts upwards, she lets her sons go, slipping away from between her fingertips. There are dark circles beneath her eyes and her hairs begin to whiten.

  “Jennifer, that’s your name, right?”

  I sit in the empty chair beside her, “Yeah. Do you think I can ask you a question?”

  Jane fumbles in her seat and wipes away a bead of sweat, “Are you going to ask me why I applied in the first place?” I just stare back at her, and she already knows the answer. “My husband left me in the hospital when I was giving birth to our youngest son. Poor little Max never met his dad.” I take her wrinkled hands in mine, it feels fragile and I’m afraid her hands will break.

  “I’m so sorry to hear that…”

  “Being a single mother was so hard. I was always incredibly reliant on my husband and I couldn’t cope under the pressure. Alcohol was my way out of it. I drank, got drunk, and I hurt my little boys.” I glance at her sons, and I notice that the older one has a purple bruise concealed behind his ear. “I am such a bad mother… I still drink because that’s the only time I feel okay.”

  “Leaving them will only make you a worse mother.”

  “But I’ll be leaving them for a better life.”

  “Would you?”

  Jane scoffs and lifts her head, “You are young, I’m basically double your age, yet here you are lecturing me about these things.”

 “I guess it’s because I’ve experienced it first hand, every day, every minute, every second. Sometimes I wonder if my brother is a ticking time bomb. I’m just waiting for him to go off, but he never does and as soon as I let my guard down, I'm afraid that that's when he goes. Just because he may cause me grief now doesn’t mean that him going away could heal these wounds.”

  “Then shouldn’t you be with your brother and not with me?”

  I look at Jane and see the small, wavering reflection of Chanyeol. How he wants to leave because he thinks it’ll benefit me, but also how he struggles to truly admit that he doesn’t want to go. “Because I know what you mean to your sons and I can guarantee you that if you left, they’d feel so torn. If you leave them, you won’t be able to come back to them. You won’t see them graduate, you won’t see them get a job, you won’t see them get married. You won’t see them at all.” If she leaves her sons behind, all she'll leave them with is a scar. The same scar Chanyeol is gradually carving into me.

  “But I hurt them. Many times.”

  “But you also heal them. I’ll admit, my brother’s mere existence made me want to pull all my hairs out.” Jane laughs, for the first time, and it’s not half-hearted either. “But at the same time, my brother makes me feel complete, and that feeling of wholeness is what your sons deserve. If their father left them, you shouldn’t follow his footsteps. Stay. If they are the reason you pulled through, why give up now?” This time, when I look at Jane in the eyes, there’s more colour in them, more life.

  At this moment, I realise my words aren’t entirely directed to Jane.

  Every little bit of tears I had just shed is for Chanyeol.

  Stay.

  Don’t give up.

  Stay, Chanyeol.

  “Okay, Jane?”

  She glimpses back at her boys wrestling on the floor before tearing up completely and sobbing. Jane throws herself into my arms and weeps through my clothes, her arms wrap around my neck in a tight, genuine embrace. This is a woman who was so shattered a few minutes ago, a woman I gave a purpose to. Now she can smile, laugh, and live.

  I gave this woman her life back.

  Why can’t I do the same for Chanyeol?

  She pulls away and gathers her sons. That’s what she deserves. That’s what everyone deserves. A family, happiness, life.

  “Next time I see you,” I point at Jane who’s beaming at her boys, “I only want to see smiles. No tears.”

  Jane nods and her sons tug at her arms, “Okay.”

  As a group, the family walks through the doors of the hospital without turning back once. Out to the sunshine, towards the new future they have. A future that they can spend together. That same future Chanyeol needs and fully deserves.

  If only.

  I turn back to the walls of the hospital and sigh. But this is Chanyeol’s reality. I take small steps to Chanyeol’s room and that’s when the remorse begins to weigh down. Why did I prioritise a stranger’s life over Chanyeol’s? Panic settles in. What if that was my only chance for my brother to regain his life? Was it worth it? I thought I convinced myself when speaking to the doctor and speaking to Jane. Why is it that it’s only when it’s too late that I want to turn back?

  Did I really do the right thing?

  My phone vibrates in my pocket.

  Baekhyun [Sent: Just now]: Hurry