That is an image I don’t think I could ever forget. That moment, when he was lying there so helpless with that anguished terror burning in his eyes, wondering how everything was breaking apart and dreading the places he would end up. Everything crumbled a bit too quickly, didn’t it? My fingers grasp onto the window sill, gentle breaths fog up the glass in the window as Baekhyun drifts so gradually into a slumber. As if the world is also mourning in despair, rain plummets in tiny thuds but falls like killer bullets soon after. He’s survived through countless operations previously, so shouldn’t this one be a breeze?

  I just can’t overlook the whirls of thoughts that went through his mind while he endured the pain. I can’t pretend that if he comes back alive, it will all be fine. It’s because, during the moments his system was failing, there was one thought of his that never died.

  Me.

  I turn my head, my cheeks brushing past the windowpane as sweat builds up in my clammy hands. I press my palm against the window, watching how my warmth leaves a misty imprint, and when I let go, it fades. Just like Chanyeol. The moment I let go, he will believe I’m ready and that it’s his time. The truth is, despite all I once believed in, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. Losing him is equivalent to losing myself. Baekhyun has survived with a solitary life all those years, so maybe it is possible to keep living without my brother, but not once in Baekhyun’s life had that pain flickered off.

  “Baekhyun, how did you do it?” I don’t tear my sight away from the scene just on the other side of the window. The place where trees dance, the place where birds sing, the place where peace unfolds, and the place where Chanyeol’s soul will be carried away. He doesn’t respond and I look over my shoulder at his slumped figure that breathes faint snores. Maybe it’s when he is asleep that he finally reunites with his mother, and that is something so precious I refuse to disturb him.

  But honestly, how did he manage all these years?

  Chanyeol is a fighter. He is fighting a battle most of us would deem impossible, he’s fighting a cancer. The strange thing is, he’s coping much better than I am. He fights with a smile. I should be the person who helps him when he falls, but I have collapsed beneath the pressure. Why did it take me this long to realise I wasn’t fighting for him, but I was fighting with him? Our pain is meant to be equal - if he hurts, I hurt - but my selfishness made me leave him behind and leaving him to wonder why all of a sudden I turned away. Somehow I convinced myself that his death would be the solution to all problems.

  In reality, that would have only hurt me most.

  And now here I am, just praying that he will survive another operation in order for us to turn to a new page and gradually erase the past. He’s done it before, and I’m sure, he’ll do it again.

  So just why am I being so skeptical?

  Because even if he comes back alive, he will still die. Someday. Let’s just hope it isn’t today.

  “Sis?”

  Everything, right now, stops.

  “Sis!”

  Am I dreaming? He’s back. I whirl around, almost falling off balance, and right there, the only thing worthy of attention is him. He seems numb all over with a redness tint in his skin and a crooked smile upon his lips, but within him I see purity. He might have returned with numerous scars, but this is the beginning. Baekhyun stirs awake from his sleep and gawks at the state of Chanyeol. I will not lie, he seems horrendous, but that glittering smile of his overshadows that. Baekhyun and I are not sure whether to hug him or not for he appears too fragile but with the doctor’s nod, we let loose the chains.

  And run.

  “Jen, you waited for me!” I lay a kiss on his forehead and inch away just to see his whole face. Plasters dot his cheeks, his eyelids twitch uncontrollably, his lips are swollen and the red on his face seems sickly pale. “I look ugly, don’t I?”

  “No,” I laugh back, lovingly pinching his cheeks and caressing his scars, “You’re a beautiful human. A strong, beautiful human that both Baekhyun and I love. Now, promise me Chanyeol, you will never do that again. From this point on, you will treat your life with great respect and understand that I will too. You got that?” He smirks and eagerly nods his head, but he seems so weak and that if I touch him, he’ll crumble. “You go with Baekhyun, alright? I’ll let him take you to the bakery he works at to get some delicious food. ” His eyes form crescents and he shares innocent glances with Baekhyun.

  Yes, I’m ready to start over again.

  “Have fun!” I whisper with a smile I can’t hide and I ruffle his hair as Chanyeol wheels himself away. That smile of his shined in a way that I hadn’t seen before, something so picturesque and impossible to describe. I never want that smile to falter and fade, I want it to be a memory that lasts forever.

  But there is something on my hand.

  With a crack, my neck bends down and it’s my smile that instantly flickers off. My jaw lowers and I gaze at the doctor who lets out a sigh and scratches the back of his neck. He doesn’t say a thing. He doesn’t have to. This can’t be happening, not now, never. I pinch myself and bite my lip, hoping to jolt up from a horrid nightmare, but as I bring myself to accept it, I realise that this is reality - a much harsher and painful nightmare.

  “How much longer has he got?”  Goosebumps rise on my neck as I pry Chanyeol’s hair from between my fingers, letting them fall to the floor and disappear like the minutes he has left.

  The doctor lets me stand in complete silence for a while before he clears his throat. I want him to not say a word and not to pour the bad news all over me, but if he shuts up, it will happen when I least expect it. “At this point, not much. Chemotherapy hasn't worked on him and his health is declining rapidly. However,” at that slight shimmer of hope, I look up, “there is a chance that he will be cured. First, I must ask you, how long was your brother in that state?”

  “I don’t know…”

  “Of course you don’t,” he scoffs and my heart clenches, “You left him behind.”

  I sigh, because he’s right.

  “Unfortunately, because of his weak immune system, his conditions have peaked at a rather severe level. He will experiences difficulty breathing more often, he will experience sudden moments of extreme fragility, in other words, he will become very weak until his body can’t take it anymore. I have not told your brother of this because he has to spend his final happy and not predicting the moment he will die.” The fact he says it so bluntly makes me feel worse. “Spend time with him before he dies, will you?” The doctor faces the door and begins to dismiss himself. “That is, if you don’t leave him again.”

  I ball my hands into fists; but in anger, fear, agony, or distress? “Wait! You said there was a way he could be cured!” This causes the doctor to pause and face me again, pity evident in his eyes.

  “It’s near impossible.”

  “I’ll do anything for my brother.”

  “The chances to find a lung donor is slim, child. Try if you can, but you’ll just be wasting your time.”

  He leaves the room with a trail of grief and sympathy, the burdening regret casting a heavy weight on my shoulders that brings me down to my knees. Few days ago I would have been punching the air, already making plans for a funeral, but now, I feel nothing. A part of me has been brutally torn out and that beautiful part of me was none other than the connections I have with Chanyeol. Twins are unable to fully forget and walk away from the other, they only watch the other fade to a questionable memory. But twins always find each other.

  I could never find Chanyeol again when he’s gone, and he would never find me. One day I would forget the sound of his voice, the love in his laugh, and the comfort in his touch; but never, not once would I forget him entirely. Death is something I can’t control and it was something that the past me would have treasured. I thought I was ready for this, but everything is suddenly overwhelming and surreal.

  Who would have thought that the moment I’ve always wanted was the same moment as the one I feared?

A/N: Enjoy, fellow readers <3 Comments and subscriptions are highly appreciated :) 

And happy birthday to Tao ;)