Sunny woke up to a nightmare. More rather, she wished it was a nightmare. For one hopeful second she thought that maybe things were actually alright. Maybe she had dreamt up all of the horrible things that’s happened and that she only had her brain to blame for playing tricks on her. A slight weight on her right arm caused her to look down to see Yoona snuggling close to her on the same bed, clothes stained with tears and fingers clutched tightly around Sunny’s pajama top.

This wasn’t a dream. It was real.

Jessica was gone.

Suddenly her world came crashing down and her tears threatened to follow suit as realization sank in. Sunny blinked back the tears, and gently shook Yoona awake. She had to be strong for her group. She had to be strong for the young woman who was so afraid of being alone sleeping beside her. This was almost a throwback to several months back when Jessica kept being at odds with the rest of the group, and Sunny had to be the neutral party that was stuck in between, when she couldn’t allow her own emotions to show.

There was no Jessica now, but the pain was just the same.

“Yoong…wake up. We’re supposed to catch a flight to Shenzhen in a few hours.” Sunny said as she gently shook her bedmate up again.

The younger girl slowly stirred and rubbed her eyes, trying to get them to focus.

“Unnie…I had the worst dream…”

Sunny just placed an arm around the girl and helped her to sit up, kissing her forehead and smoothening out her bed hair.

“Go take a shower, we don’t want to be late.” Sunny instructed softly and Yoona nodded, slowly getting up.

***********************************

The flashing of cameras that awaited them at the airport reminded Sunny of the few times that she’s been clubbing, with the dizzying effects of the strobe lights. It appears that news of Jessica’s departure has reached the public’s ears, and now they were bombarded by an army of photographers and fans trying to find the answer to all their questions.

Sunny wondered for a moment what kind of statement would SM Entertainment release. Would they do the typical cover up, would they blame Jessica, or maybe for once they would tell the truth? That it was the combined efforts of the SM Board of Directors and the Girls’ Generation members themselves that ousted their precious 9^th member.

Sunny used to love taking flights. It always gave her precious time to rest and recuperate from her head-spinning amount of schedules. She would usually sleep all the way through journeys on the plane, skipping meals for some shut-eye. At this moment however, Sunny wanted to be anywhere else but in the metal tube with wings that was currently carrying them to China.

The long flight provided Sunny with too much time to herself. Too much room for her to get lost in her own thoughts, a place that she really did not want to be in right now.

Sunny felt angry, but she knew that it wasn’t wise to be angry. She knew that Taeyeon had a good reason for doing it, and somewhere in the more distant rational part of her mind Sunny knew that what Taeyeon did was the right thing, just poorly executed. The group wasn’t only being held back by Jessica, but they were also holding Jessica back as well from achieving great things with her brand. It all just happened a bit too fast.

Jessica.

Her thoughts went to her friend and wondered what the Korean-American must be feeling at the moment. Betrayal? Loneliness? Anger? Sunny wished her arms were long enough to reach New York to give her friend a hug for comfort. Could she still be considered a friend though, since she did nothing to stop this from happening? Could she have stopped it? She is the niece of SM Entertainment’s founder. Surely she could have done something? Would Jessica still consider her a friend after all this, if not a sister?

“Hey.”

Sunny looked to her left to meet the person who had pulled her out of her own thoughts. Sooyoung looked like she didn’t sleep a wink the whole night.

“You look awful.” Sunny said simply, her vulnerable mind not providing any filters for her tongue.

“Thanks. As do you.” Sooyoung retorted while messing around with the buttons of her First Class seat, trying to find the right level of incline.

“Nobody else on this flight is talking, and it’s driving me nuts.” Sooyoung explained and Sunny understood. Looks like she wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to be in her own head at the moment.

“Mmm…I can’t sleep. Do you think I should ask the steward for some milk?” Sunny asked, only half interested in the conversation.

“I should get some coffee and shove it down your throat! I want you to talk to me, not go to sleep!” Sooyoung jokingly threatened and tried to shake the drowsiness out of the shorter girl by physically shaking her.

“You seem like you’ve already had too many cups of coffee Soo.”

“Just a couple. Them fans are going to get a hyped up Sooyoung for the concert!”

“Oh no! The fans would looove that. Crazy Sooyoung is fun to watch at concerts, but crazy Sooyoung can get a bit too over the top and forgets the choreo and to sing her parts.” Sunny teased, suddenly remembering their fans. Sones around the world must be devastated right now after hearing that a member of their favourite group is no longer in it.

“Aish! Who do you take me for? I’ve never forgotten choreo! That’s Jessic—“ Sooyoung started but immediately stopped. Her eyes were now looking at her hands in her lap, fiddling with her headphones. An uncomfortable silence filling up the air around them.

“Are you angry at Taeng?” Sunny asked Sooyoung, trying to get her perspective on it.

“Yeah. What she did was stupid.” Sooyoung said, and her words hit Sunny like a brick wall. Was it really okay then, to be angry? Sunny still felt awful for being angry at Taeyeon for doing her job.

“What she did was stupid…but that doesn’t make it wrong.” Sooyoung elaborated, and caught Sunny’s attention. The younger girl turned to look at Sooyoung again, who had a contemplative look on her face that the shorter girl has very rarely seen on the shikshin’s features.

“What do you mean Soo?”

“She did what had to be done. Of course I’m angry at her. I’m downright pissed. I mean who would not be?! But I think that if I were the leader of this group, this group with millions of fans around the world and is worth hundreds of millions of dollars, I would do the same thing. Of course I would be pissed at myself as well, but I would have done the same damn thing.” Sooyoung said, folding her hands behind her head and leaning back into the chair.

That was a perspective that Sunny felt ashamed of not considering. She wondered how is Taeyeon coping with this pressure? She just had nearly half the group stand up against her yesterday, and she even got slapped by Yuri. Maybe the reason Sunny couldn’t find a right or wrong in this situation was because there really wasn’t one. Both parties chose to do what had to be done. Jessica chose Blanc & Eclare over the group, and Taeyeon chose the group over Sica.

“Yoona seems to be pretty miffed I stole her seat beside you.” Sooyoung said staring at the ceiling.

“She’s pretty shaken by this.” Sunny nodded. “She’s not really mad.”

“I know. I just wanted to spend some time with you. Between Roommate and your dates with Hyomin I feel like I barely get to see you.”

Sunny’s brain went blank suddenly at the mention of her best friend’s name. Best friend? Were they still that? Glimpses of the kiss that she had shared with Hyomin the night before flashed across her mind and she could feel a phantom pressure of those soft lips on hers again, making her involuntarily her lips.

“She’s probably found out by now about Jessica. I bet she’s worried. They were pretty close.” Sunny muttered, more to herself than to the girl sitting next to her.

Sunny heard a soft, contemplative “hmmm” beside her, and she turned to see Sooyoung observing her with a small smile on her face.

“What?” Sunny asked.

“Nothing. You’re worrying about Hyomin again. That’s the Sunny that I know. At least you stopped sighing and staring out the window.” Sooyoung said before putting on her headphones and cranking up the volume on her remote, turning her attention to the tiny screen in front of her.

Sunny wondered if Sooyoung had chosen to sit next to her just to cheer her up. The short talk she had with Sooyoung did help the situation. Sunny didn’t feel as angry at Taeyeon as before, and decided that she should have a talk with her leader and try to get her side of the story as soon as she got the chance. With her thoughts slightly more at ease than before, Sunny closed her eyes and decided that maybe sleep didn’t sound like such a bad idea after all.

************************************

It was the roar of the crowd that gave her heartache to sing. Sunny didn’t know how they managed it, but the audience filling the venue in Shenzhen had somehow managed to make pink lightsticks in the shape of a “J” within 24 hours and were waving it as if the 9^th member of the group would appear miraculously as if by magic if they waved hard enough.

Seohyun was the first to crumble and cry, her tears falling onto the stage in steady streams as the continuous chanting of the stadium filled their ears. The crowd wasn’t rowdy or particularly malicious, they just seemed…sad. Sunny wanted to leave the stage because it didn’t feel right. The chemistry was not there. They have performed their choreo with only 8 people before, but this didn’t seem right at all.

Just like how singing Jessica’s part did not seem right, so they left it unsung. The audience gladly sang along to cover up the blank space and Sunny was trying her best to keep it together. There was something so powerful about having an auditorium filled with thousands of fans covering Jessica’s part, and Sunny knew the rest of her members felt it too. With Jessica’s departure, she was not only forced to leave behind her group but all of this as well. She will most probably never again get to hear several thousands of people singing her song back to her from the platform of a stage.

Sunny did cry then. A few tears managed to slip through the cracks in her defenses and she tried her best to hide it from the fans. They musn’t see her cry. It was not right. She was the happy energy pill of SNSD. Happy pills don’t shed tears.

They managed to finish their performance by some miracle, and thanked the fans that came to see them. On the way off the stage, Sunny passed a little girl who was reaching out to her with a “J” shaped lightstick. She didn’t know what came over her, but she backtracked and made her way to the little girl instead. The girl’s eyes lit up when she saw Sunny walk towards the edge of the stage towards her and she frantically waved her lightstick harder.

When Sunny finally came as close to the edge of the stage as she could without the security guards having a fit, she kneeled down and smiled at the young girl. She must not have been older than 10. The child’s mother spoke to the security guard in chinese, who hesitantly looked back and forth from a confused Sunny to the expectant kid in front of him before he reached out and took the lightstick from her and passed it to Sunny.

Sunny was left wondering what she was supposed to do with it when she was ushered backstage by one of her managers, who must have gone back to check on the member that was lagging behind. Confused, Sunny could only look back at the little girl who was now smiling as she disappeared out of view.

***********************************

“That was a good show. All of you handled it very well.”

The girls sat in silence, ignoring their manager who was trying to cheer them up.

“Are any of you hungry? We could stop by somewhere for some food.”

His suggestion was met with another round of silence and he gave up trying to talk to them. He took out his phone and began typing on it, while all 8 of Girls’ Generation sat in silence in the van headed back towards their hotel room.

It wasn’t a long journey at all, but the awkward and solemn atmosphere made the journey unbearable for the poor manager. It was as if someone had recently died.

“Whatchu got there?” Hyoyeon’s soft voice asked Sunny, eyes pointing to the lightstick that she was still holding in her lap.

“A fan gave this to me before I went off stage. They really prepared a lot.” Sunny answered, thumbs absentmindedly caressing the surface of the smooth glass “J”.

“It’s really pretty.” Hyoyeon said sadly, as Sunny switched it on and it started glowing pink.

“Yeah. It really is.”

“I kind of want one as well.” Seohyun said from the seat behind Sunny. She was leaning over Sunny’s shoulder to watch the pink lightstick slowly dim and lose it’s brilliance since it was probably left switched on for the duration of the entire concert.

“Do you think we can get some for ourselves oppa?” Seohyun asked their manager, who tore his attention away from his phone and his eyes landed on the “J” nestled in Sunny’s lap. A small smile crossed his face, and there was a noticeable emptiness in his eyes as he quietly watched the lightstick pulse.

“Yeah. I’ll see what I can do.” He finally said, reluctantly tearing his eyes away from the lightstick when his phone started vibrating to pick up the call. It was obvious that he too was affected by Jessica’s departure.

“What’s the point?! It’s not like getting those lightsticks would bring Jessica back!” Yuri said a little too loudly from the back of the van, and Seohyun whimpered in response, bringing herself back to sit in her seat properly.

“I know…I just wanted to bring it along for our other performances… The stage felt empty without her.” Seohyun muttered under her breath, in any other circumstances it would have been barely audible but it was as loud as day within the quiet van.

Nobody else said anything throughout the remainder of the journey, and Sunny watched as the pink lights within the glass  “J” in her lap slowly dimmed, and eventually died out.

******************************************

‘For the price the company paid for this room, there really shouldn’t be a crack on the ceiling.’ Sunny thought, as she lay on her king-sized bed in her hotel room, eyes tracing the hairline crack on the ceiling above her from where it started close to the window until where it ended along the wall.

She wondered if it continued to Yuri’s room next to her, and she wondered if Yuri was lying on her bed staring at the ceiling tracing the crack as well. She couldn’t sleep, even after the concert that she had just performed in. Her eyes scanned the large room that she shared with no one, as each member of her group received a room all to themselves. She wondered if SM had booked 9 rooms in preparation for the fanmeeting or did they reserve 8, already planning to drop Jessica from the group.

Sunny scoffed to herself. She wouldn’t put it past the management team. Sunny got up from her bed and raided the minibar for a drink, trying to find something that did not have any caffeine inside it because she still had plans to sleep for the night. Cola. That was all the minibar had to offer.

Slightly annoyed by the fact that she was in a luxurious hotel room but the amenities were far from what she would expect with the price tag, Sunny collapsed onto her bed feeling defeated. She would have lodged a complaint had she paid for this room out of her own pocket. She reached for her phone on the nightstand and saw a slew of messages, one from Hyomin, a couple from her roommates, and even some from other people within the industry.

Sunny opened the one from Hyomin, and smiled as she read it.

From Hyomin: Is everything alright? Call me if you need me, no matter what time it is. I’m here for you.

Deciding that she wasn’t in the right mood and frame of mind to be replying messages, she tossed her phone to the side and got up to put on a hoodie over her pajama top, remembering that there was a vending machine down the hall. Maybe she could get something to drink there. SM entertainment had blocked the entire floor for their staff and idols to use, but she still couldn’t be seen wandering around in just her pajamas.

Sunny distinctively heard the sound of a door opening and closing outside, and she checked the time on the clock perched on her bedside table. It was almost 2am. She thought all of her fellow groupmates would have been exhausted and dead to the world by now. Curiously, Sunny opened the door to see who it was that was still awake and walking down the halls.

What Sunny saw made her completely forget about her need for a drink. It was the last person Sunny expected to see, and judging by the surprised look on the other person’s face she wasn’t expecting someone to still be awake at this time either. Sunny just stared dumbstruck and in disbelief before her words finally caught up with her brain and she called out to the other person standing down the hallway, wanting to be sure she wasn’t seeing things.

“Jessica?”

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Welp! I'm completely sorry for the lack of updates. My old laptop died on me so I had to get a new macbook. Luckily I backed up this story on various devices so it's all good, but I lost most of the assignments that I was working on for uni so I had to prioritize those first. Updates will come slightly slower in the coming weeks thanks to university assignments.

For some reason, this was actually my favourite chapter to write out of all the chapters I've written so far. The words just flowed right and I churned this whole thing out in about 2 hours. There's going to be less Sunbyung and more drama and talking for the next few chapters, so please bear with me and I hope you do not get bored! I promise some good Sunbyung scenes after all the drama is done. :P

P/S: Title of the chapter is from Alesana's song Heavy Hangs The Albatross, which kinda talks about the guilt after letting someone die, or in this case leaves. :P

Thanks for all the comments and new subscribers! You guys really keep me going!