~The Fourth Heartbeat~
From the Bottom of My Heart
 

I froze dead upon recognizing the names in front of me. A deathly chill ran down through my body and I started breaking out into a cold sweat, feeling anxiety and desperation slowly bubbling up from deep within me. If anything, this was the last thing I expected to see. It was supposed to be erased from my memory, my past from long ago. Why did it have to appear in front of me again when it had nothing to do with my life anymore?

Suddenly, all the memories I had tirelessly worked to hide away in the recesses of my brain started to rush out, playing each flashback at such a rate that it made me dizzy. All the times affiliated with the girl that had left me scarred for life.

“I feel like autumn is just the same as spring. The only difference is that the soft colours of flowers are replaced with vibrant leaves. Don’t you think so too oppa?”

After all these years, I still get triggered by anything relating to her, no matter how small it is. Even now in the present, am I still not strong enough to erase her completely from my memories?

“Yah, don’t run too far ahead! You’re going to sprain your ankle or bump into somebody!”

“Hehehe, I’d like to see you try and stop me Jin-oppa! I can’t help it, the flowers are so pretty that it makes me so overwhelmingly happy!”

“Aish, you pabo. Come back here or I’ll just ditch you and go home right now!”

“Nooooo, don’t leave me! You know I hate being alone, but you’d never do that to me because you just love me too much don’t you?”

“Shut up, you can't come between me and my fried chicken! I don’t even know why I’m still dating you at this point when that's all I need.”

“Aha! But you do admit you love me right~?”

“Wha-!? Sigh, how cunning can you get? Okay fine yes, I admit it. I’ll always love you and how adorable you are, you lil rascal. Now come here and give me a hug!”

I’ll always love you.

Anxiety spread through my veins like poison as I blinked, my eyes and throat dry as a living hell. As the memories came back one by one in short flashbacks, a slight pain gripped both my heart and head, getting tighter by each passing moment. Before I realized it, breathing had become especially difficult to do and it had left me gasping just for a simple breath of fresh air. But no matter how much I breathed in and out, the ache gripped my chest even harder than before and my headache became almost unbearable. I was beginning to feel lightheaded and had lost my sense of balance, staggering on my own two feet even though I was just standing in place. I needed to get out of here soon or else I would actually pass out. And I didn’t wanna risk getting sent to the hospital.

“HAHAHA, oh my God! You look so ridiculous that I can't even!!”

No.

“I love it whenever you hug me like that. Our hugs are always so warm and comforting that it makes me feel so protected in your arms.”

Stop. No more, I don’t want to hear it.

“I love you Kim Seokjin.”

Don't say that.

No longer able to think rationally, I burst off sprinting away from the tree. I was running at a speed as fast as my legs could carry me, as if I was trying to run away from the memories pouring out of me. The still images of the wisterias and earthy details of the trail began to merge together into blurred images and soon, I was no longer able to tell what my surroundings were. I wasn't sure if the direction I was heading in was the correct way back to the dorms, or if I still kept my umbrella in hand. But at the time, only one thought remained crystal clear in the midst of my chaotic mind.

Why can’t I ever forget you, when you aren’t even by my side anymore?

 

I eventually calmed down after a while as the pain subsided from both my head and chest while my breathing came back to normal. I was now slumped against the wall on the floor of my dorm room, located on the 3rd floor. Climbing up the stairs earlier had proved to be mildly challenging with my weak staggering legs that were barely able to hold myself up. To make matters worse, I was soaked by the heavy rain that came down like a waterfall when I was still running and had to be careful not to risk slipping and breaking a limb. Slowly but surely, I managed to get through all those flights of stairs.

I didn’t know how long I had been sitting in my room for but it was a dreadfully long time. I stared out the window, feeling blank minded. When I was still at Komorebi park, it had been somewhat bright outside. Now only the empty darkness of the night paid me company, together with the sounds of raindrops clashing down onto the
patio like mad. Taking my phone out of my backpack, I turned it on and checked the weather report over the next 24 hours. It seems like there was going to be a big storm tonight, and it wouldn’t be letting up until later the next morning at the very least. What was even more unfortunate was that it was currently 12:36 am and both my uniform and bag were sopping wet, binder pages and shoes wrecked from the rain. Great, guess it's another 4 hours of sleep again tonight.

I was considering skipping school tomorrow, since I could never survive on that little sleep over a period of two days. But then I decided against it when I thought about how my image as an honours student with perfect attendance would be ruined. I’ll just take some medicine and pray I won’t catch a cold the next morning. First of all though, I had to take a steaming hot shower. There was no way I was going to bed without one.

I pushed myself off the ground and stood up to head over to the bathroom,but the moment I turned around and took a step, I noticed something outside my window. There was a figure in the distance standing down at the courtyard on the first floor. I slipped on my glasses and squinted my eyes, trying to make out who it was but the fact that it was late at night made it hard to see anything. All I was able to determine was that it was a girl who was clearly underdressed for the weather. She was in nothing but a simple nightdress with no jacket, only holding a red umbrella to shield herself from the rain. I had tried to get a better sight of her by zipping on my raincoat and walking out onto the patio, but she was still at such a distance away that it didn’t help much. I called out to her, signalling her to come in and get herself dry but that only seemed to startle her. She ran off, disappearing into the night and leaving almost no trace that showed she was there. I wonder what in God’s name she was doing there in such weather and at such a late time too, but I soon let it go. It had nothing to do with me, and I didn’t need to concern myself over it.

I just hope that girl didn’t catch a cold.

I shook my head, then proceeded to go and take my hot shower.

 

On my way to school the next morning, I walked over to the spot where that girl from last night stood, spotting a bell attached to a ribbon on the ground. When I picked it up and observed it in detail, I noticed it was a keychain that was becoming popular among girls these days. However, this one looked different than the others. The bells that other girls carried around often had a blue, white or pink ribbon but this ribbon was coloured crimson red. The bell was also covered in multiple mud stains, making it dull and almost unrecognizable. After staring at the object for a while, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of familiarity. Where had I seen this keychain before? I looked a little bit closer and noticed something peculiar about it. There was an engraving on the bell. Although it was pretty condensed, I could tell that it was hangul. The characters were tiny and hardly legible, but I was barely able make out what it had said.

Hwang Ga Eul

What the hell? Is this Hwang Ga Eul’s? But what was she doing out here at night? Guess I'll return it to her later in class and ask her then.

I decided to slip it into my pocket for now. Who knows, it could’ve been something precious to her.

By the time I arrived at class, I was sneezing all over the place and nearly dropped my glasses twice. Being out in the rain and getting basically no sleep was the worst combination ever, and I could barely keep myself awake. Despite taking medicine, I had still managed to catch a cold. My immune system never was the best at functioning properly. Later, Hwang Ga Eul came in about 10 minutes after I did, and it was remarkable that she was actually on time today compared to yesterday. She was basically radiating with energy, while I on the other hand was sprawled all over my desk like a corpse. The difference between us two might’ve been comical to others but believe me, I was definitely not enjoying this.

 Taking out the bell from my pocket, I held it out in front of me and looked at it again. On the way to school, I   used a handkerchief to polish the bell up in an attempt to make the name more legible and make it prettier. Maybe doing so would’ve revealed any other engravings that might have been hidden under the mud stains. Unfortunately, I couldn’t seem to find any especially since the hangul characters were so incredibly small to   the eye. Well on the bright side, the bell was now emitting a beautiful luster from the sunshine and   looked brand new, as if it was recently bought. It was hard to believe I actually spent a full hour polishing this   but I’ve gotta say, I did a pretty good job on it. But of course, I was Kim Seokjin and I excelled at most things.

 “Wow, that's a real pretty bell you have there sunbae!”

 Averting my attention away from the bell, I blankly stared at the face looking at mine. It was Hwang Ga Eul,   all the same with her cheerful attitude. The only thing different about her today was her hair, which was   styled in a half up, half down fashion. That and she ditched her glasses today. I wasn’t as surprised as before to see her talking to me out of nowhere though. I figured she would do this again today.

“Huh, of course you’d say that about your own bell. It's only this pretty because I went and cleaned it all up and stuff, so you owe me. Here you go.” I nonchalantly dropped the bell into her hands, to which she slightly bowed toward me as thanks. I made eye contact with her and saw a warm cheeky smile light up on her face as I sniffled, fighting back an impulse to sneeze. I think my cold was starting to turn into a fever now.

“Isn’t that pretty popular among the girls these days? Couldn't you just go and buy another one? Why so happy that you got it back?” I pondered, deciding not to ask about what happened last night.  She didn't seem like she was going to talk about the matter, but hey. At least she didn't seem to be dying of sickness like me right now.

“Yeah, it is, but this one’s special. It was specially made by my mother for both me and my older sister. Back then, red was my favorite colour while my sister’s was a pale yellow, thus the red strap on my bell. I wouldn't be able to find a replacement if it ever went missing for good though. I don’t see either of them anymore.”

“Anymore? Why, what happened between you guys?”

It was barely noticeable, but I noticed the expression in her eyes darken for a split second. She was quick to recover though, as she flashed an innocent grin at me the next second. Quickly tucking away her bell into her pocket, she broke the eye contact between us and turned away to focus on Mr. Heinrich’s lecture as if it was suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. I took that as a sign that she wasn’t going to answer my question. I went and buried my head into my arms, feeling extremely fatigued by now. Just as I was about to doze off, I could’ve sworn I heard a weak whisper escape her lips. Just barely audible.

“I don’t know.”