What she did indelibly etched itself into my mind, residing there for days. Even after a week, each morning I'd stop to just look at it like a lost soul, my memories flooding back in a tidal wave. It could have been five seconds, or five minutes - it didn't matter. However long I spent staring I always felt that same ache, that yearn that I knew was hazardous to my recovering being.

I'd try to walk past now and again but it was almost as if it had secured itself into my routine, like making coffee for example. Each time I found myself in front of it I'd find something else to focus on, her drawing skills being simply impeccable. I'd think how such talent could potentially have started off simply as a way to escape the sounds of steel doors slamming, mentally insane inmates screeching and the sounds of keys jangling in the locks...only to be turned into such an art form over years of practice. 

What eventually would tear me away from the picture was either my running late or audibly growling stomach. No time to sit down and eat on this particular day, I grabbed whatever was left in the fruit bowl and headed out, almost forgetting my keys in the process. It's as if as soon as I received that package, her eyes were on me constantly. I tripped up, I became nervous for no reason, I dropped things I forgot the essentials. It's like she was here.

Ever since she had reached out to me, my heart seemed to will me to get back into contact with her. It didn't seem to realize that the pain it went through last time was because of that same girl and I was forever hoping it would. I mean, she had hurt me so many times, over and over again but I still saw the perfection in her. Her imperfections however, were the things that inflicted those wounds. But my heart persevered, it still would beat for her, it would skip a beat for her....it did everything imaginable with her in mind. 

It was clear in my weakened state that if I were to encounter her again, it would be hard not to resist her. To see her...to have her with me again would be something else but could I honestly say that all the tears shed for that girl were worth it? Even if she were to somehow prove that she wouldn't hurt me again...how could I believe that? Her drawing simply wasn't enough to translate how she feels, which is why it proves nothing.

Oh but how I wished I could forgive and forget. Move on. To be honest though, once I received that package...forgiveness seemed a lot easier than it had been before. Maybe it was the thought of her using her spare time that otherwise would be filled with reading new books from the library to actually sit down and sketch me. The image of her brows furrowing in thought as she tried to remember every detail of my face. I even found myself thinking of her smiling at the finished product, knowing she'd captured my image perfectly. How perhaps she may have wanted to keep it for herself...

Yes, those thoughts made it hard for me to concentrate sometimes. As I took my morning stroll around the facility, even the noises of the inmates wasn't enough to to quell them. That was until:

"Sergeant."

I turned my head to the direction the voice had come from, and was quite surprised to see my boss strutting towards me. I stopped at once and bowed in respect, greeting her politely afterwards as she came to a stop before me.

"Good morning, what are your duties today?" She asked, then motioned for me to continue walking, matching my pace.

"I- I'm required to oversee the inmates for their morning recreation period, then review any incident reports and make sure the staff members turn in their required reports on time. After that I-"

"That's quite alright Sergeant, thank you." She smiled as she cut off my rambling, perhaps acknowledging my eagerness to please and pitying my attempts.

We walked in silence for a while, her eyes in front while mine tried to subtly sneak glances at her wondering what she could be thinking. A moment later, she answered my thoughts.

"I'm impressed, you seem to be very focused. Very well suited here." She nodded, effectively making my cheeks burn from the compliment as well as the confidence wafting off of her. The height difference also added to that blush, making me feel positively inferior to her.

"Thank you," I chuckled nervously, again bowing her way.

Her eyes twinkled as she looked down at me, the friendly smile still plastered on her face. "I hope you don't mind me walking with you, I've been quite busy already today and feel I need to take my mind off some things with a nice stroll."

You and me both. "No of course I don't mind" I replied. At least her company was allowing my mind to focus elsewhere and not on the little inmate in Seoul. Although...I still wasn't fully thinking about work because now my boss filled my thoughts instead. I wanted to please her, wanted to make her not regret hiring me.

As we stepped into the prison grounds, I watched on as some of the inmates who noticed her presence quickly bowed their heads towards her while some changed their direction of walking entirely.
I didn't know a lot about my boss, just that she was polite, friendly and had an incredibly youthful face. But she also had an aura, a certain something about her that would make people rethink their first impression. All may be not what it seemed with her and that's what made me wary, wanting to stay on her good side.
And looking at the inmates' reaction, they seemed to be trying out this method too.

"Are you enjoying your time here?" She asked suddenly, putting me under pressure once again in hopes to deliver a satisfactory answer.

"I am" I replied. "The facilities are incredible, everybody is so welcoming and it feels great to have had the chance to take on this job."

I noticed her looking at me while I answered and then nod her head before refocusing on what was in front of her, allowing me to exhale a small breath.

"I'm glad. We received quite a few applicants for your job believe it or not. While some were under qualified, some were reasonably suited to the job. And then came the interview process..." She chuckled gently.
"Well, let's just say that a lot of the applicants weren't entirely knowledgable on what the job would entail, as well as the fact some were nervous and stuttering messes. Something that would be no good here."

"I can imagine."

"And then we got into contact with you. Even though you didn't have a formal interview, what you told us on the phone as well as your experience, knowledge and confidence in both your work and demeanor was all we needed to hear." I beamed with pride at her words. "Of course your references from previous jobs helped you secure the position too."

Nodding while maintaining eye contact with her, I shot her a grin and replied: "Well I'm so grateful for you to take a chance on me like that. I really appreciate it and I hope I can continue to do a good job here." 

It was only a little while afterwards that she bid me goodbye, telling me that her work wasn't going to do itself and that she'd better get on top of it.
I watched as she left, strutting to the doors in her professional wear and causing inmates in her path to quickly move away. She was a mystery for sure...just like someone else I knew. But maybe a little less intense.

*********

The days passed - same routine, same subtle ache. I hadn't heard anything about Taeyeon's case, how the meeting went between her and her friend and kid. I of course was curious, who wouldn't be? I didn't know whether the woman had changed her mind about helping Taeyeon, or whether she had witnessed her former friend in handcuffs and immediately asked to retract her previous statement against her. Everything was a mystery and although I desired the information, I also respected the fact Bora was a busy woman and would contact me when she had time.

Now sitting down at my dining room table, the thoughts of what could have happened began to spiral around in my head, making the desire to know almost too much to bear. Minutes passed and all I did was stare at my phone, wondering if I should call Bora now...get it over with. I glanced at the clock, coming to the conclusion that at this time Bora would definitely have finished work.

My phone tapped lightly against the table as I began to wonder how I could go about ringing her. I didn't want to seem too eager knowing Bora would find a way to tease me about it. I guess, to cover my nosey ways I could make it seem as if I'm just calling to see how she is, and then slowly lead into the subject of a Kim Taeyeon....
But then on second thought I'd most probably give it away as soon as I said 'Hello'. There was a chance she could get offended due to the fact my call would only be to find out about Taeyeon. Of course I didn't want that so, a short text was the answer.

Once I'd completed the arduous task of thinking of what to say and figuring a simple 'Hi' would suffice, I put down my phone and waited for the alert.
I didn't have to wait long.
An excited grin erupted on my face as soon as I saw it and wasted no time in opening up the message....

'Hi? Really?'

Surely she couldn't have seen through that....I only typed one word after all.

With a perplexed frown, I leaned back into the chair and decided to wait thinking that maybe her reply had been cut off somehow and the rest of the text would come in a few moments. Unfortunately nothing of that sort happened. I sat there a while, twiddling my thumbs while wondering what to do. I then realized that I needed to get a grip, nervousness was never the answer and I didn't need to feel it in the presence of a friend. It was ridiculous.

Finally deciding to bite the bullet, I proceeded to ring her, sticking with my previous 'Hi, how are you?' idea.

"Okay so that did make me laugh." She said once the call connected, not even giving me time to ease myself into the the conversation.

"Huh?" I replied, trying my best to sound coy.

"You can't honestly think that I don't know the reason why you're calling?" She laughed while I rolled my eyes to respond. "I figured I'd let you simmer a while. I knew that you'd be pissed at me for giving the inmate your address."

"I wasn't pissed," I muttered back, feeling my stomach tighten from just the mention of Taeyeon. "Just...surprised that's all."

"Yeah, sure. Anyway, whatever it was, it better have been worth it. That could have gotten me into serious trouble you know. You're lucky people in my line of work aren't really suspected at that place."

I couldn't say anything to that other than a 'thank you', she really had risked herself there for my benefit. She didn't have to accept that package from Taeyeon, but she did. I wondered what would have happened if she had refused, would Taeyeon have risked sending it through the prison system? She'd of course know that it was incredibly risky as mail is sorted through both going in and out the premises. If an officer on duty recognized both my name and my picture, the information would most definitely have been passed onto Nichkhun where things would have only gotten worse..

"You're welcome but don't ask me to send anything back, alright? There's no way I'd be able to get past security coming in with a package because of the pat downs they do." I nodded, knowing that it would be close to impossible for her to get away with something that size entering the premises. The guards there are very thorough, they do their jobs well but funnily enough don't seem to feel the need to search anyone going out of the building. Especially like Bora said, people that aren't deemed suspicious due to their line of work.

I shook my head as I answered. " I don't have anything to send back."
I didn't want to send anything back. What could I say - Thank you for the drawing but I don't wish to receive anything else from you due to the momentary joy and then following pain it gives me? Uh...no.

"Well it's good to hear you say that". Bora answered with somewhat of an underlying tone in her voice. "Because...there's something else coming for you too."

I frowned, standing up from the table and wincing slightly as the chair scraped noisily against the floor. "What do you mean? What else?"

Bora laughed as she witnessed the eagerness in my voice, as well as the not so subtle suspicion. "All in good time, Miss Hwang. All in good time."

Then the line went dead.

******

Every single one of the feelings that had previously rendered me into a nervous mess of a woman when I received the package, were only amplified when I realized this time it was a letter. A handwritten letter by none other than Kim Taeyeon. I could tell by the handwriting that it was hers, and it only matched Bora's statement that I'd probably be receiving something soon.

I held it in my hands as I read the only thing written on the front of the envelope; my address. My name wasn't written, a sure sign that this hadn't travelled through Bora's hands this time. That was also what told me it was a letter and that Taeyeon was being cautious by not using my name.

I imagined what it could contain: details on the court case...perhaps what is going on at the prison, her feelings-
I shook my head. No.

Ever since her package, I'd had time to think about all that was happening and it came to the point where I was angry with her. I was angry that she could be so careless with what she was doing.

I didn't know what she was up to, getting into contact with me like this after everything that went down. Her reaching out was a nice gesture of course but it was also very cruel. She knew how I felt about her and for some reason, regardless of what is written in that letter she felt the need to find a way back into my life months after I left her. It was undoubtedly cruel, whether she knew so or not.

Every hurtful comment that she'd thrown at me had been forgotten as soon I had received that drawing... but I then realised that those things shouldn't be swept under the rug so easily. Taeyeon had been someone I thought a lot about as soon as I'd finished my shifts in Seoul prison, everything she had said that day was ingrained in my head until I went to sleep. Do you realize how difficult it is to think about anything else other than that girl? Whether her comments towards me were pleasant or hurtful, both spiraled around my head each night.

How hard it is having someone you've fallen for tell you that they don't care if you leave due to the fact you've only ever 'ed or argued' is also something pretty intense to have to think about, especially when you know it was one of their last comments to you before you left them behind permanently. Especially when you risked so much to be with her, to stick up for her and be there for her when times got tough. Why should she be so easily forgiven? She hadn't apologized. Sure, maybe that drawing was her way of doing it but I was somebody who needed closure in something like that. I needed for her to say the words and....I don't think I'd ever get that.

I took a deep breath in, and then released it a few seconds later. I looked down at the envelope, wondering once again what it contained. Taeyeon wasn't somebody to talk about what she was thinking. Imagining her writing down what months of silence she had given me meant...it was safe to say I was conflicted. With eyes glued to the paper...my heart beating just above average, I thought.

Until, it calmed. I calmed.

My twinkling eyes lost their shine even though they continued to focus on what she had given. My tense shoulders slumped, my furrowed brows relaxing.

What real reason was there for me to read this? I had already cried over her, my heart had already broken. Opening this would only cause more pain to come rushing back to the surface and although my curiosity was almost overbearing, I knew better than to do that to myself again.

Glancing back up, I found my feet soon carried me to where I needed to be. I kneeled, the letter still in hand as my arm outstretched, my eyes reflecting the flickering orange flames. With a blank expression on my face, all thoughts dissipated as I released my grip and watched the fire engulf it.

Well....at least that's what I planned to do. Unfortunately, my fingers somehow developed a mind of their own and completely refused my attempts to drop the envelope. I was holding it so tight, as if both holding onto it for dear life and fighting the urge to pull it to safety.
Something was telling me that this wasn't the right thing to do. Although my mind had already been made up, that something was so strong that I reluctantly listened.
Slowly but surely, I brought my hand back and raised it to eye-level despite the fact my sight was slightly impaired from the tears that had since accumulated there.

A frown etched it's way between my brows as I stared at it in both sadness and anger. Anger because of how weak I really was, sadness because of what this letter could perhaps contain. Leaning back on my knees, I placed the letter onto the ground and saw how it was no longer perfect due to the noticeable crumple in the centre from where I had held it so tightly.

My brain was engulfed in thoughts, scenarios and feelings and all I wanted to do was scream. But amidst the overbearingness of all those things, I somehow managed to get to my feet and go over to the bookcase that resided in the corner of the living room. Almost zombie-like, I grabbed the book I knew was there and opened it roughly half way in. Depositing the envelope inside, I then replaced the book on the shelf before standing back and looking in that same direction.

'Speak' - the book that helped to start whatever Taeyeon and I had together.

Although I didn't want the letter, it was clear that for whatever reason, it was necessary that I kept it. I wouldn't forget it was there because from this day forth, yet another thing had been added into my morning routine. Even if it were a glance, I would always be aware of that envelope tucked into that book. It was only added torture. It was like, she was slowly taking over my life despite being a couple of hundred miles away.

But I had to try to get on with things. If I didn't, it would only consume me and everything I've worked hard for.

*********

Weeks passed, and I felt good; improving. I had surrounded myself with the positive things, trying my best to forget the negatives. Although the first few days were tough and all I wanted was to rip open that envelope due to the sheer curiosity of what it contained, I didn't cave.
As it got easier and the days where I glanced to the bookcase (originally only there for show) got fewer, I felt so much more confident about myself.
It was something so minimal but felt like a big chapter in my life. Unlike the previous Tiffany who had been desperate to know everything and anything about that inmate and stooped to many lows to ensure she got that information, I was now somebody who could resist the temptation with a little time.

What I was doing now was almost like rebelling against her, not succumbing to her ways and melting into her embrace like I had so many times before. I was becoming my own person again. It felt good, great even.

My work days got harder as my heart got stronger. More and more inmates entered the gates to their new home and acted up, perhaps in uproar of being in such a secure place compared to their last. Due to the CO's that had only recently been hired, myself and other sergeants were required to step in and give them a hand with any particular rowdy prisoners. In the past few days I'd been spat at, stepped on and stared at in various erse ways....

As soon as I arrived home from this particular day, all I wanted to do was collapse on the sofa and not move for the rest of the evening. I found it amazing how I felt after a day shift in Busan prison was comparable to staying up all night in Seoul prison. But I liked it. I liked feeling that I did a good job and that all of my energy had been put into my work day.

Unfortunately due to it being another extremely busy shift, I hadn't got the chance to eat. My lunch break had been interrupted after only two bites into an apple with news of a male inmate attacking a counsellor. The sofa would have to wait, for my growling stomach was more important at this point. It was probably eating itself in there.

In the midst of cooking a hearty meal, I groaned when the phone began to ring. I was one of those people that had to keep an eye on their food constantly or something would be sure to mess up. I wasn't that good of a cook start with, let alone have the confidence to focus on something else entir