After making a late night stop at a store and picking up a couple things - alcohol included - I made my way home to get ready for tonight. I didn't have the slightest idea what to wear. I mean, I wasn't really dressing to impress because I had someone, well...not really but I wanted to look good for me. Regarding the fact that Yuri was going to 'set me up' with her cousin...I guess I strived to look at least presentable. 
Despite my slight discomfort at the situation, I totally understand why Yuri was doing it, because of Taeyeon of course. Yuri was trying to protect me, protect my job by getting my attention focused on someone else but unfortunately... it doesn't work that way. 
No matter how beautiful or y this woman is, Taeyeon to me is just perfection. In my opinion, nobody could beat her in the looks department because she's so unique and her eyes, God her eyes...are just, irreplaceable. 

However, putting myself in Yuri's shoes, I'd probably do the same as she's trying to do now. She's a close friend and if I knew she was risking her whole career to something so careless and stupid I'd put a stop to it immediately or at least try to. I on the other hand, am stubborn. I won't take no for an answer.

Thinking more deeply into it though, being stubborn isn't a good enough reason. I am risking everything here. I could even go to jail myself for ual assault, that's how the authorities see having such relations with an inmate; . I'd never work in this field again, all those years of blood, sweat and tears to even get to this point would go down the drain. Taeyeon would be transferred to a prison far away from me, nobody would tell me where she'd end up and that scared me most. 
Was she really worth the carnage that could become my life?

My head said no, no way. It begged me to break things off now, request to cover another unit once more despite it seeming suspicious, maybe even leave the prison; to never see her again. My heart however....told me the complete opposite. It's beating wills me to fall deeper, to delve into that girls head and uncover her secrets, further demolish her wall until it was just rubble. 
 
Head or heart? That was the question. One I couldn't answer just yet because I wasn't willing to give up either. 
Soon realising I'd been lost in my thoughts a while now and remembering I had somewhere to be, a quick glance to the clock showed time quickly ticking away so I jumped in the shower and then began getting ready for tonight. 
Unknowingly I started to become nervous, probably because of the cousin thing but I knew as long as I set her straight and told her I wasn't interested in the nicest way possible, things would go okay. Thinking about it though, I did need some new friends. In the US I was called each night by colleagues to come out drinking, hang out at the movies etc but here? I did that very rarely. My whole being had been pretty much focused on Taeyeon since I arrived in Korea.

Quickly pulling on a pair of skinny jeans, a nice black top and letting my hair down from the bun it was used to being in, I checked myself out a hundred times in the mirror to make sure I looked okay before leaving my apartment.

 
**********
 
Once I arrived outside Yuri’s place, I started playing scenarios through my head about her cousin being really forward. Like, what if she tried to kiss me or touch me or....oh my god what if Yuri had misunderstood my answering yes to going out with the two of them and thought I had in fact said yes to dating her cousin? Oh lord.

Through the bothersome voices in my head telling me to turn and go back, I hadn't noticed I had been staring at Yuri's door for the past....eight minutes. Looking around nervously first  to see if my stupidness had been witnessed by any of her neighbours, I sighed when I saw the coast was clear and then cautiously knocked the door. As soon as I heard a muffled shuffling coming from inside I considered listening to my thoughts to leave. It's so strange, I never usually get nervous when meeting new people but I guess the gay thing is something I'm still not entirely 100% comfortable with. Thankfully though, when Yuri opened the door and I saw she was alone, my tense shoulders slumped and I relaxed just a little, now praying her cousin wasn't coming at all.

"Hey there" she smirked as she eyed my outfit as I did hers. She was wearing tight jeans and a....sports bra, something that showed off both her abs and her cleavage. I really didn't realise I was staring until she pulled me out of my daze. "Your gayness is showing" 
My eyes averted almost immediately and I quickly opened my mouth to attempt to tell her I wasn't looking despite it being clearly obvious I had been. Probably looking at my pink cheeks and sensing I was uncomfortable, Yuri went no further, she simply interrupted my jumbled words by laughing softly then led me inside. 

I was surprised to see the place was really cozy, a real warm feeling...much different from my apartment that was in fact quite the opposite. I imagined Yuri's would be cool and modern but unorganised somehow but that was obviously not the case.
In regard to mine...It was as if I hadn't properly moved in properly yet, there were still quite a few boxes that needed to be unpacked. I don't know why but something inside me was sort of reluctant to unpack everything, it was like my brain was giving me signals, telling me there was no point and that I'd be moving away again very soon. That was slightly worrying.

"It's hard to believe we've been friends for so long and I haven't been to your place" I commented as I followed her into the kitchen, placing what I'd bought for tonight on the counter and shaking my head to help rid itself from its troublesome thoughts.

Yuri being the nosey she was didn't waste any time rooting through the bag, pulling out candy and tortilla chips "I know right" she replied as she opened up the bag and munched on a few. "I guess since we see eachother almost every day anyway..." Her words trailed off and I nodded to agree. 
"We should go out more though, you know not base our entire friendship in work because I wouldn't want what we have to disappear if you lea-" 
When I lifted my head to question what she had said, I saw her snap her own towards me almost immediately, looking just like a deer in the headlights. She knew she'd messed up.

"Am I going somewhere?" I asked as I raised my eyebrow her way, realising exactly what Yuri had been implying.... If I got fired.
 

She sighed as she pulled out the vodka I'd bought and placed it in the fridge, turning her back on me as if she couldn't look me in the eyes while she said whatever it is she wanted to say.

"Tiff, I don't need to tell you this again, I've told you before and I'm sure you know it yourself. You are risking so much with Kim, she's a felon." A quick glance over her shoulder showed her slightly worried look. 
"If someone were to catch you flirting with her you'd be done for, let alone having with her." Yuri turned to face me then, the worried expression turning into a sympathetic one. When she took my hand, it was almost as if she was pleading with me.
"But....if you were to wait until she got out which must be what...a few years? That'd solve everything, you two could live happily while keeping your job, your dignity and your freedom. You-"

What she was saying was true but... "Yuri it's not that simple. I've tried to stop this." I turned away, pulling my hand from her grasp.
"She and I have fought a lot about this whole thing...as well as what happened to her in prison, what she did and as her wish I transferred to another unit but...I was a mess." I seemed to be getting emotional, I hadn't prepared for another grilling from Yuri tonight and what she was trying to do was hitting me especially hard.
"My work was sloppy and I couldn't concentrate. Stopping myself from just going inside her room was so ing hard because...she was like an obsession."
 

Yuri sighed again, zoning out as if thinking about what else I could do, another way for this to turn out okay but other than resigning from my job and leaving Taeyeon alone, I couldn't really do anything about it. She kept on however....

"What about if you-?"

"No, Yuri" I replied, not even wanting to hear it.

"But Tiff-"

"Listen" I cut her off yet again but with a harsher tone. "If you've ever felt this way about a person before, you'll know that it's difficult to even have thoughts without that person being in them. Even since day one, she's been in my head and it's like..." I wasn't confident saying these things to Yuri, although I trusted her I still was wary about exposing everything because she was so against what I was doing. 
"God it's so hard keeping all of this bottled inside" I commented under my breath.

"Then let it out" she shrugged with another sigh, like what I was doing was a bore to her now, like she was giving up on me and my recklessness. That hurt.

Taking a short moment to breathe, I walked over to the dining table she had close by and took a seat, holding my head in my hands until she joined me, sitting opposite. I then took in another deep breath in preparation and tried not to hold anything back.

“All of this started as just a simple attraction and curiosity." I started. "I wanted to know why she did things, why she read these different books, why she acted the way she did and just overall....wanting know her because I hadn't met anyone like her before." Yuri squinted a little as if disapproving even at those behaviours but out of respect she kept quiet, letting me continue.
"I slowly started realising that she was really damaged. I watched how others treated her, how everyone was scared of her and avoided her like the plague... how she was isolated from the world, living only through her stories. I felt sorry for her"
Yuri scoffed at that, so much for respect. She didn't even know what Taeyeon had been through and I was starting to become angry, how dare she judge her so harshly. Despite my now aggravated mood, I continued telling her what I felt.
"When she went to the SHU....I saw some hope there. She opened up a little to me and I found myself caring for her more than a CO should. She was so weak and I just wanted to hold her hand, let her cry on my shoulder."

Yuri's frown deepened.

"As you know, I was in denial about my feelings but deep down I knew. Despite trying to help and get her to open up I always got stopped, pushed away and yelled at but all of those things changed nothing because I still cared for her. Of course being told to off while I was trying so hard hurt, but it was just her barrier talking....not the person trapped inside those walls. And then when I messed up and meddled with her private life....hearing her say how hurt she was and how betrayed she felt. Hearing her tell me all about what had happened to her before prison life because I pushed her to that point...I'd never hurt so much before." I wiped a tear as I reminisced, thankfully though it seemed that things were looking up between Taeyeon and I now.

Yuri looked at my hand and no doubt wondered whether to hold it. Seeing as she didn't approve in what I was doing though, I wasn't suprised when she looked back up, keeping her hands firmly clasped together under the table. Albeit disappointed, I kept going.

"Then...things happened. We kissed and...we got intimate." I looked down for this part, averting my eyes from her judgemental ones.
"I'd never had like that before it was just, something I could never have imagined. At that point I was weak, I knew deep down I wanted her and I couldn't stop. My feelings, whatever they were at that time took over my willpower and my resolve and they completely screwed me. Now I'm in this position and, believe it or not...I'm kind of happy. I like how we are. She's-"

Suddenly Yuri raised her palm, telling me to stop for a moment while she got her thoughts together. After that...she asked me the question that I didn't know how to answer. Her frown returned and she bore her eyes into me, making sure any little twitch or suspicious expression would be easily seen and noted to be used as evidence against me.
"You've sat here and told me all about how you feel for her and how beautiful she is and how 'special' the times are you have together right?" I nodded nervously in response.
"This question I'm going to ask, I've asked before but you didn't give me a straight answer. I'm going to ask again." She sat up then, looking down on me as I slumped lower in my seat. 
"Does she feel the same way about you?”

 
I bit my lip while I averted my eyes, wincing slightly at the scoff that came from at my reaction.
 
 
“Has she told you that what she feels is more than just ?” She pressed and now feeling cornered, I spoke out.
 
“Actions speak louder than words, right?” I replied, avoiding her question.

"That's not what I asked." She said with a sad smile, knowing exactly where this was going.
"Has she told you she at least likes you?"

"........"

"Tiffany, not all of the time does an action speak louder than words. You do realise that she has been in prison for years before she met you right? Think about it from her perspective. She has a hot new CO trying to get to know her, showing interest in everything she does and has done. I'm guessing Kim's also a lesbian....she feels you are an easy target. She wants , want