There were things that needed to be said. Things that needed to be made clear. But there were also things that needed to be kept in secret. Because I admit that I have selfish, yet loving desires—meant only to you—and I want to avoid the thought of getting them tainted.

Hanna was the best of the best troublemaker. Best of the best D-Student in class. Best of the best volleyball athlete. And also best of the term ‘bestfriend’ out there in the world. She had always been hostile and managed herself quite well, so it was a surprise when Sehun told me about how she had broken down in front of him before. It may have been the sudden cause of weakness, guard being left down or the fact that she trusted him not only as a crush but as a friend to easily tell him what happened; it mattered not. What did matter was the reason for her outcry.

And how I (the person I thought was special in her life) never knew this story of her.

——-

I still remember the words written on the red folder that is now set on the far edge of the mattress in front of me. I had read it over and over again until dawn…trying to process everything that was left unsaid. The cup of tea that I had placed on the bed-side drawer had most likely turned cold from the lack of touch, and in similar to right now, I sit without as much as a movement to interfere with the sway of the numbing air.

Today, I got a perfect score on my math test. When I showed mommy, she was so happy and promised to take me to the amusement park on my birthday. I aspire to be a nurse one day just like her and I’ll make her proud.

What should I get the teachers for Christmas? Chocolates or winter clothes?

Mommy told me she at volleyball, is that why I’m not good at the sport either? I hate volleyba-

My eyes began to fog up and slowly I tasted something bitter seeping through me.

The person who wrote those things was the complete opposite to the girl I met years ago. And I’m sitting here feeling dumb that because I never knew her real feelings, or the things she had to go through to change; I have no right to be called her bestfriend.

Hanna went through so much, and there was no one in her life who could listen to her side of the story. 

It has been awhile since I wrote something on here…I don’t really know what to say either…but know that it is now a fact that I hate my mom.

Just a few days ago I was crying for her. That it saddened me how I lost the most important person in my life YET NOW, I feel no remorse. She can go to hell for all I care. And she should have taken that devil of a father with her buried under ground.

Oh, Sehun. He’s the only one I have. But I refuse to tell him the whole story. A part had slipped out of my mouth and I won’t let it happen again. He must not know.

——-

A bestfriend. I finally found one I can trust but not even her will I be able to tell. In fact, she must not know. If she knew what had happened, I’ll be Hanna the poor little foster girl and the filthy being. She can never know how I was-

Riiing Riiing Riii—“Hello?” I answered with a groggy voice. I had not bothered to look at the caller ID to know who would call at this godly hour of 11am. My eyes shot at the time and instantly, I bolted out of bed to realize that I must have fallen asleep after recalling the neatly written pages.

Days of being wildly awake because the story that haunted me every night—I could guess that my body had finally shut down and a long rest was immediately requested.

"Did you only wake up now?!" And there goes the scolding ‘parent’. "You know what, don’t even bother answering that when it’s such an obvious question. Get out of bed now and meet me at the usual cafe! I have something to tell you!"

"Why can’t you just tell me over the phone?" I huffed while combing my shaggy hair with long, callused fingers.

"Well actually… there’s someone you have to meet."

"Who?"

"Sarah Tran. Hanna-"

Sarah is getting suspicious. If only we met somewhere else aside from the locker room…she wouldn’t have seen us.

"-mentioned her in the paper. She used to be part of the volleyball team with her, do you remember? Anyways, I bumped into her just a few minutes ago outside and asked if we could talk. Are you coming?"

"I’m on my way."

——-

It’s my story.

These were the things I could never share with anyone.

Honestly, the previous pages were only short entries of what I felt on those certain days. They cannot completely explain everything that I had to go through. But now, bravery has taken toll on me.

Well cowardice in true speaking.

Because I’ll be lying on the cold ground after I have finished with this page—dead.

And it’ll be okay because finally, I can write about my life.

You, as my bestfriend and Sehun are the only people permitted to read this. Maybe I should have told you guys in person. But maybe this was also for the better. I don’t know.

You’re not supposed to tell it but listen to it.

Listen to my story and how my life went like this-

My name is Hanna Claire. All of the miseries occured right after my mother died and I learned the cruel world of reality. I took on things I never imagined on taking before. I lost sight of my dreams and went on with life wherever it led me. I screwed alot and created a new me along the way. But if there was anything or anyone holding me into pieces so I don’t break (before long)…it’d be them. My bestfriend, Sehun and the magic of drug. I’m just wasting away now.

The most horrying memory I happen to remember would be [the black ink left a smudge on the paper and I knew she was having a hard time continuing; I couldn’t help but cry even louder]…when my father entered the room one night with a sinister grin on his face. That night, something happened. I was-

——-

The flashing of words abruptly stopped in my head as I entered the cafe. A familiar head grabbed my attention and with a steady pace, I stepped inside. The fresh and great aroma of the coffee beans blew passed my nose, then timidly I was already standing beside the usual table Sehun and I would sometimes meet at.

She still wore her glasses, if my memory isn’t betraying me. Brown-hair tied up in a bun, a simple red plaid shirt, a beautiful flower pendant around the neck with light make-up suited for her face; I analyzed.

This was her.

"Sarah Tran. It’s nice to see you again." She stood up after seeing me and shook my awaiting hand.

"Indeed. It’s been quite awhile."

I want to cut to the chase. Really I do. But I didn’t want to be rude so I properly sat down before raising a hand for a waiter—but in this case, a waitress.

"One tall vanilla latte and a boston cream donut."

This was going to be a long talk and I wanted to prepare some things to eat. Or maybe something I can play with as an excuse of distraction. We needed slight information without spilling the story and she could be of help. Even after reading the notes several times, there were still a few things missing which me and Sehun have to find out.

"So…how have you been, Sarah?" First. A topic.

written by boy1a4 (30.12.2014)

(From Pab0Panda: Please check the foreword for the updated Reservation-List.)

Please feel free to leave a comment for the writers. They did their best.