It had been just another nightmare.

This was the first thing Kiron realized when he woke up. Cold sweat was sticking all over his body and he was panting hard.

Who was that girl in his dream?

Why couldn't he just turn around and look her in the eyes?

And most importantly, what was it all about?

There had to be a reason, or at least a small hint, as to why his dreams had all been the same for over two years now.

At first they were unfocused. Nothing to be compared to and nothing you would have wasted a second thought on.

But as always, things had changed.

Everything changed because of him and nothing would last forever. You could have called it ignorance, stupidity of a child, or just a long, lost hope of a young broken heart that belonged to a broken boy.

Nothing would ever bring back his old life.

The life he had lost because of his own fault.

Everything was his fault and he knew it way too well.

He, Lee Donghae, a sixteen-year-old boy, had lost more in his short life than most other people could ever imagine. It was a part of his dark past that still chased him to this day.

Too painful to be told and too unbearable for only one person to stand.

That was his reality for more than five years now; his everyday life.

After calming down a little bit, Donghae - or Kiron, like a special person used to call him - looked around in the darkness. Only a few rays of sunshine had made their way in, shining through the gap in the curtains at the window. It was all so silent and peaceful… the complete opposite of Donghae's inner feelings and emotions.

Consumed with despair, he lowered his head. All of his actions and movements wore the expression of deep frustration. He just sat there, looking down at his blanket-covered knees, teary-eyed.

He wasn't a cry baby, not at all.

Hae never cried.

Maybe it was because of that damned day, which was nearing for the fifth time now, but he was feeling out of balance. He scoffed at that thought: As if he had ever been balanced since then anyway.

If only he had never been born.

But it was useless to think about it in this way. He wasn't able to turn back the time.

Looking to the direction of his desk, Donghae once more had to press his teeth together and take a deep breath.

The white sheet of paper with his homework on it was lying there, untouched.

Their teacher had given them the task to write an essay or a poem on the question:

“What would you do if you could live one day of your life again?”

What a stupid question to even think of!

Nobody could go back in time, so why …. why would you waste a thought, or energy, on it?

The truth was... because he did.

He had tried so many times that he had already lost track. But nothing worked.

His best friend, his sister, his love... was gone. It hadn't been the romantic kind of love.

Not at all.

It was the love you felt and would feel for your soul mate.

The name of his soul mate, of that girl, had been Jessica Johnson.

But Hae always used to call her Jess or Johnny.

And now she was dead, because of him.

Maybe to outsiders, Donghae had survived that fateful day, but from the inside he got killed too.

There were no more feelings left for him to feel.

His heart had been broken; shattered into a billion pieces and no one ever bothered to fix it again.

So how should he answer a question like this?

“What would you do if you could live one day of your life again?”

He still remembered all of the emotions and thoughts he had back then, while he did his homework.

[FLASHBACK]

Being more than upset, Kiron sat in front of a white paper with a single question written on it.

A simple question for others, maybe, but for him it was pure torture.

What did they want to hear from him?

Was he supposed to say: Well, if I could live one day again, I would choose to die instead of my friend? If I could turn back time, I would gladly die too? If I could live a day once again, I wish I would never feel the gazes of hateful eyes on me anymore? If I could go back in time, I would love for those who are dear to me, to stay and to still love me no matter what?

But if only, if only...

Donghae pressed a hand on the empty and hurting place in his chest, fighting with himself.

He had thought so often about the “what if's” and “could have's” that he was no longer able to say how it would have been in the end.

All he knew was that he mustn't write what he had just thought about.

No...

Nobody needed to know… that he was the one who caused Johnny's death.

People were already badmouthing him to no end anyway. He wasn't supposed to feed the fire around him with petrol, or else they would really eat him alive.

Hae didn't know what to do... no one knew except for his parents and a few other people, who happened to be involved too.

At school it was said that he had depression so he could stay at home, but reality always wore the ugly side of the mask - it was showing the ugly truth that he was a murderer.

So, instead of writing an essay, he began writing a poem:

“The first and last day in my life”

by Lee Donghae

If I could live my first day again, I wouldn't do anything different.

I would take my first breath in this world and wouldn't know what it meant...

I mean, with a single breath you maybe get to smell a scent,

but actually it is so much more than that: it is the decision of a beginning or an end.

The lucky ones will never face this situation of crime,

cause no matter who they are, they never got the time.

The time to laugh, to live, to cry,

with one missed breath to take,

their life went by.

I survived, but what can I see?

When I look in the mirror, there is only a broken me.

So if I could live my last day again,

it would be a day one year after I had turned ten.

I would change one little thing: Instead of that beloved someone,

I would be the one to be gone.

Leaving without saying good-bye,

only leaving bittersweet memories and some people who cry.

But even though my last day went by,

I am still here, living the life of a lie,

because heaven is just another word for hell,

and mercy is faked, oh, I know that so well.

So please, praised and screwed destiny and fate,

take off from my shoulders that heavy weight,

and give me with the justice's knife

the final, relieving first and last day in my life.

...

Hello everyone!

So this is the first part of the first chapter.

I know it is a bit short but I promise the next one will be longer. I still hope you liked it though.

Feel free to tell me what you think about it and thank you for your support!

Regards, Slade.