Anneong! :)

I'm making a sequel for this story! happy? not? hehe. I'm gonna start it after I'm finished with my current fic. Thanks for all of your support and comments. It really means a lot to me. Thanks a whole lot ♥ I have the cutest subscribers ever :3

And this is a review from sweetieheart2 from thissteadyheart creation. Thank you for the review! ^^

Title: 4.5/5

I really love your title. It’s short and simple, and it relates to your fic well. The only thing is to avoid putting emoticons/pictures in your title, even though it connects with your title and is used as a “pattern” in all of your chapter titles too.

 Description/Foreword: 4.5/10

Your description really could have a little more information about your story, rather than just two short quotes. It’s also better to avoid using coloured font.

• "So, all of this is the fan of yours? Just this?" he smirked. -> This is worded a little awkwardly… maybe try “So, these are all your fans? Just these?”
• "Don't you ever underestimate the youtube sweetheart, pretty boy" you smirked and winked at him. -> “Don’t you ever underestimate the youtube sweetheart, pretty boy,” you smirked and winked at him.

Do not use character profiles! You are giving away too much information that would be better explained in the fic, or, even better, discovered by your readers as they read. There are a few grammatical errors in your character profiles, too.

• Everything was fine until she decided to come to Korea. Where she perform in the Incheon Airport while TEEN TOP was having their open fan service... -> Everything was fine until she decided to come to Korea, where she performed at Incheon Airport, while Teen Top were having their open fan service…
• What will happen when you stole their spotlight? -> What will happen when you steal their spotlight?
• What will happen when our Bad Boy Rapper lay his eyes on you? -> What will happen when our Bad Boy Rapper lays his eyes on you?
• Will love sparks? -> Will love spark?

You give a lot more information in your foreword, which was good. But you could shift some of this up to your description, as it really should belong there.

 Characterization: 12/20

Most of your characters do seem to have their own distinct personality, to some extent. I must say that I do not know a lot about Teen Top, so I wouldn’t know if you used the “stereotypes” that all idols have >.< But overall, they do have fun and endearing personalities, and you stay consistent with them, so that’s good :) One thing that you could maybe think about is making the Teen Top members a bit more different from each other. Most of them seem pretty similar in some ways, so maybe separate their personalities more so that they’re more unique. Another thing was that because your fic moved so fast, it was hard to allow any room for the characters to really develop or to give the readers any insight into their deeper personalities as individuals. But you did explain a little in relation to Cindy and her brother.

 Plot/Originality: 10/20

It’s not as common to find stories where the female protagonist is an unofficial celebrity, which is good :) But there wasn’t as much exploration about the whole rivalry for fans and popularity, which you hinted in the description/foreword, incorporated in the later chapters.

One thing that seems a little overdone is the concept of the girl living in the same dorm as the boys, who are always a boy group. It is unrealistic that a girl who arrived in Korea would accept living in a dorm with a bunch of boys she has never met before, even if they are her idols. It is also quite unlikely that an idol group would be able to chase each other around an airport without being swarmed by fans, let alone openly and spontaneously invite a random girl to live with them in their dorm. The element here is that, although it seems very “normal” in the world of fanfiction, it just isn’t realistic and plausible.

 Mechanics (grammar, spelling, punctuation etc.): 12/20

Some things in Chapter 1 only:

1. L.joe look at his fans -> L.Joe looked at his fans (keep tense and names of characters consistent)
2. Am I thaaat hot until all the girls were over me? ->Am I so hot that all the girls are all over me?
3. Evil smirked appeared on his face -> An evil smirk appeared on his face.
4. Before he could continue daydreaming about how awesome he is, Niel wave his hand infront him. -> Before he could continue daydreaming about how awesome he was, Niel waved his hand in front of him.
5. “Oh, yes I’m here, I’m just tired,” he whisper secretly to Niel. -> “Oh, yes I’m here. I’m just tired,” he whispered secretly to Niel.
6. It’s true, he is tired. Let’s just say, his fans is TOO much. -> It was true, he was tired. Let’s just say, his fans were TOO much.
7. Teen Top look at each other. -> Teen Top looked at each other.
8. “Whoever stole our fans, such a meanie” Changjo added. -> “Whoever stole our fans is such a meanie,” Changjo added. OR “Who stole our fans? Such a meanie!” Changjo added.
9. “Attention seeker, pshh” L.joe complained. -> “Attention seeker, pshh,” L.Joe complained.
10. Teen Top agreed so they went to check where their fans went to (lol?!). -> Teen Top agreed, so they went to check where their fans went. (get rid of the “(lol?!)”)
11. The six of them walk together where the crowd went to. -> The six of them walked together to where the crowd went.
12. They saw a beautiful goddess-like-angel, okay in conclusion, they saw an angel singing 2NE1’s Lonely with her guitar. -> They saw a beautiful, goddess-like angel. Okay, in conclusion, they saw an angel singing 2NE1’s “Lonely” with her guitar.
13. Teen Top waits for her to finnished her song. -> Teen Top waited for her to finish her song.
14. They wear their disguise so that fans won’t recognize them. -> They were wearing their disguise so that fans wouldn’t recognize them.
15. After she finnished her song, she bow to her so-called-fans and wave them goodbye, and yes the crowd disperse. -> After she finished her song, she bowed to her so-called fans and waved them goodbye. And yes, the crowd then dispersed.
16. L.joe come closer to her and clapped his hand in irritated way. -> L.Joe came closer to her and clapped his hands in an irritated way.
17. “Good job, attention seeker, pshh” L.joe said in the duhh manner. -> “Good job, attention seeker, pshh,” L.Joe said in the “duhh” manner. (try to use another word, rather than the “duhh”)
18. You tilted up your chin to see a flawless good-looking guy smirked at you. -> You tilted your chin up to see a flawless, good-looking guy smirking at you.
19. “Meanie” you stuck your tongue out. -> “Meanie,” you stuck your tongue out.
20. You push your bangs backwards, then -> You pushed your bangs back, then –
21. “Noonaaaaaaaaaaaaa” someone yelled. -> “Noonaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” someone yelled.
22. are they wearing disguise? Are they celebrity?-> Are they wearing disguises? Are they celebrities?
23. You look closely at the boy who was running towards you. -> You looked closely at the boy who was running towards you.
24. Omg, it’s Ricky, from.. -> Oh my God… it’s Ricky from… (don’t use abbreviations unless it is a text message or e-mail or something similar)
25. And you fell 5 eyes stare at you while 1 guy hugged you, tightly. -> And you felt five pairs of eye stare at you while one guy hugged you tightly. (it is preferable to use the word instead of the number in formal writing)
26. “CC noona, I never thought I would’ve seen you with my own eyes. I cannot believe it” Ricky said and hugged you tighter. -> “CC noona, I never thought I would see you with my own eyes. I cannot believe it!” Ricky said and hugged you tighter.
27. L.joe’s word were cut of by Chunji and Niel come hugging you. -> L. Joe’s words were cut off by Chunji and Niel coming to hug you.
28. You were shocked and so do L.joe? -> You were shocked and so was L.Joe.
29. Who the fck is this girl? -> Who the is this girl? (Don’t use abbreviations. If you want to use the whole word, use it. If not, maybe choose another one.)
30. “CC, you were so great and amazing, me and Niel always watches you sing, so melodious” Chunji compliment. -> “CC, you are so great and amazing. Niel and I always watch you sing; you sound so melodious,” Chunji complimented.
31. I’m a fan of Teen Top too” you said and smiled sweetly to all of them. -> I’m a fan of Teen Top too,” you said and smiled sweetly at all of them.
32. “Can someone tell me who on world is sh-“ again, his word were cut off with Changjo screaming, “Really?! We’re really honoured.” Then he come closer and hugged you. -> “Can someone tell me who on earth she is –” (start a new line) Again, his words were cut off by Changjo screaming, “Really?! We’re really honoured.”
33. “Niel and Chunji hyung were right, you are so amazing” Changjo said in amazement. -> “Niel and Chunji were right: you are so amazing,” Changjo said in amazement.
34. you bow slightly -> you bowed slightly
35. “Who’s your biased in Teen Top?” Niel asked suddenly. -> “Who’s your bias in Teen Top?” Niel asked suddenly.
36. “I don’t have a biased, I like all of you” you smiled cheerfully. -> “I don’t have a bias; I like all of you,” you smiled cheerfully.
37. “pshh, liar. You mus-“ L.joe words were cut off again by Changjo excitedly said, “meaning you liked me too?” his eyes were sparkling, so freaking adorable. -> “Pshh, liar. You must –” (start a new line) L.Joe’s words were cut off again by Changjo excitedly saying, “Meaning you like me too?” His eyes were sparkling. So freaking adorable.
38. You pinch Changjo’s cheek, “so, cutee” you cooed. -> You pinched Changjo’s cheek. “So cute,” you cooed.
39. Inside your heart, you were fangirling bout him. He’s your biased after all. -> Inside your heart, you were fangirling about him. He was your bias, after all.
40. L.joe glared at you wrap himself with his arms. -> not quite sure what you mean here.
41. Niel come and hug your shoulder and patted your head. -> Niel came and hugged your shoulders and patted your head.
42. “Don’t mind him, he often pms-ing,” Niel said. -> “Don’t mind him. He’s often pms-ing,” Niel said.
43. L.joe glared at Niel and tried to say something but Chunji cut it, -> L.Joe glared at Niel and tried to say something, but Chunji cut in.
44. “YAH! LEE CHAN HEE” he went to Chunji and lightly smacked his neck. -> YAH! LEE CHAN HEE!” He went to Chunji and lightly smacked his neck.
45. L.joe stopped smacking Chunji and say “No way, she’ll be stealing my spotlight then. No, I don’t agree!” he stomp his foot on the ground, protesting. -> L.Joe stopped smacking Chunji and said, “No way. She’ll be stealing my spotlight then. No, I don’t agree!” He stomped his foot on the ground, protesting.
46. “Yes noona, please” Changjo plead and show you his puppy eyes. -> “Yes, noona. Please?” Changjo pleaded and showed you his puppy eyes.
47. You turn to L.joe, “L.joe-ssi, will it annoyed you if I stayed with Teen Top on my trip?” you batted your eyelashes. -> You turned to L.Joe. “L.Joe-ssi, will it annoy you if I stay with Teen Top during my trip?” You batted your eyelashes.

This may seem like a lot, but a lot of it is mostly the same thing that comes up: tense consistency. Your fic is written in the past tense, so remember to always stay in that and not fall into the present tense. You also slipped between second and third person a few times.

 Flow/Pace and Style: 5/10

Do not used coloured fonts to emphasize who is speaking. Your readers already know this because you state it afterwards. Also, don’t use asterisks (*) to indicate that something is a thought and don’t include strikeouts in your writing. Apart from those things, your style is mostly pretty suitable for the fic. What kind of bugged me was the pace. The fic seemed to span no more than a few days, maximum, and Cindy and L.Joe are already exchanging “I love you”s and have become an official “couple”, especially when they were fighting so much at the beginning. Perhaps you could have extended your fic more to elaborate and explore their relationship and feelings in a deeper way.

 Appearance/Layout (fonts, posters etc.): 4/5

I will not deduct marks because you don’t have a poster, as they are not necessary. The layout of your fic is quite appropriate. The foreword section is fun and appealing, and can easily attract readers. However, I docked a mark because these colours should not be used in the main body of your fic.

 Overall enjoyment: 8/10

Overall, your fic is fun and humorous. Although some aspects of it are not as believable and perhaps slightly cliché, it was an enjoyable fic to read as a whole.

 Total: 60/100

 Comments:

Here’s the review :) Hopefully I wasn’t too critical, especially in the mechanics section xD Your story was mostly quite light and enjoyable to read, but just make sure that, for future writing, you slow down the pace a bit more and allow the plot to move a little slower to prevent the fic from seeming too rushed. Aside from that, well done :) Thanks for requesting~ ^^ <3