The curtains in my room are opened, and the gloomy daylight showers the walls. I’m now all alone inside, and my head finally feels lighter than yesterday. I collect the things that happened during the past night. Everything sure was hectic starting from midnight.

     It’s now 9 AM, and I go to the bathroom to wash up and fix my appearance. As expected, I’m a mess. My eyes look empty, and my whole outfit is wrinkled. After changing, I walk out from my room, and find my mother in the living room with outing clothes. “Seah, are you feeling better?”

     I nod. “Where are you going?”

     “The hospital. I’ve contacted Yoohee’s mother. Yoohee isn’t awake yet, but I’ll just visit now… You can go in the evening, when you get even better, and hopefully she’d regained her consciousness then. I’ve prepared breakfast.”

     I soullessly nod, and sit in the sofa. “Mom… Sehun…?”

     “He’s sleeping in the guest room. He just went there less than an hour ago. He was by your side all this time.”

     I’m staring blankly at Mom who’s wearing her coat, then remembering he might be holding my hand when I was asleep. “Really?”

     “Your temperature got even higher after I used the warm towel, and you started speaking nonsense. You went to sleep after that, but Sehun didn’t want to leave your room.”

     I divert my sight to the floor. I have a lot of things that I just realized I need to feel bad for towards Sehun, and it hit me all at once, added with this.

     “I’m going, Seah. Don’t forget to eat, there’s medicine too.”

     I nod, and Mom leaves. I lean back on the sofa, and close my eyes. My body is better, but the weight on my mind just gets heavier.

     I walk to the guest room slowly without any sound, and it’s slightly opened. I peek inside, and on the bed Sehun is sleeping in his sleeveless shirt, bundled by the bed cover. He’s sleeping peacefully, and I don’t have the heart to enter or create the smallest sound. I step back, and sit against the wall in front of the door.

     I feel guilty. I was so perplexed, distracted, and basically out of my mind last night. Sehun just came home last night, the sound of car I heard between my sleep was probably him. Then the news came… He drove me here, waited in the hospital, took me home, stayed beside me… But I didn’t think about him once. I didn’t ask if he was tired. I didn’t ask where he had been. I didn’t ask if he had any schedule today. I asked if it was okay, but he didn’t answer. Me being sick might be a reason, but I should’ve taken care of him too. I didn’t notice his dark circles. I didn’t even notice that he dyed his hair to light brown.

     I cover my face with my hands and exhale. He’s been so nice to me. I should be nice to him too…

     After having breakfast, I wander aimlessly around the living room and corridors, waiting for Sehun to wake up. My body gradually feels even better and lighter, I just need to get rid of this light headache and I think I’ll be healthy tomorrow. I make a call to the office to inform my absence, then my Seoul friends to catch up on Yoohee. She had actually woken up but people can only come at visiting hours starting 4 PM. She’s fortunately stable right now.

     In the afternoon I hear someone entering the password outside. Is it Mom? Baekhyun comes entering the house while struggling to open his shoes, and he hasn’t seen me when he shouts cheerfully. “I’m home!” he finally lifts his head, and his eyes widens. “Whoa—Seah!”

     I run to him and he catches me in a big hug. He finally senses something, and looks at me.

     “Why are you here? What happened?”

     “Yeah, I…” I tell him what happened, and he listens to me, fully concerned.

     “Oh no, that’s terrible… Glad she’s okay. But by the way, are you sick?” he puts his palm on my forehead. I nod slowly.

     “But I’m better now. Now I worry if Sehun gets sick instead.”

     Baekhyun also peeks inside the guest room. “I need to go inside to take some clothes though… I won’t make any sound.”

     He carefully opens the door, and I follow him. I stand near the door and stay still. Baekhyun tries to be silent as he goes to the wardrobe. Sehun is still soundly sleeping, half of his face is covered by the pillow. I warily look at him.

     “Don’t worry, he looks fine. He just needs some rest.”

     I nod at Baekhyun’s words. We go out from the room, and Baekhyun prepares to go again. “You never come home, do you?”

     Baekhyun laughs shortly. “I might need to move to the dorms soon… The agency places me in a project group.”

     “Wow, does it mean you’re going to debut soon?”

     “Let’s just see.” Baekhyun grins. He gives me a quick hug, and heads to the door. “I’m going. Take care.”

     I stay in front of the door even though Baekhyun is gone already. After a few minutes, my phone inside my pocket beeps and there’s a message from Baekhyun.

Don’t think that I didn’t notice the way you looked at Oh Sehun.

     I freeze. I pull a bit of my hair and slowly grunt. Baekhyun knows, he always knows. Or I might be being too transparent, as usual.

     “Seah.”

     I almost drop my phone to hear that voice. I turn around, and Sehun is walking towards me with his bed hair. “You’re awake?”

     “I heard someone’s voice.”

     “It was Baekhyun oppa… He came home for a short while.”

     Sehun takes a seat in front of the dining table and yawns. “How are you?”

     I sit in front of him. “Better. Thank you.”

     “You should know how you blurted out incoherent words this morning. I thought you were possessed.”

     I bury my face on my folded arms. “Oh God, nooo.”

     Sehun laughs. “But I’m glad you look fine now.”

     Out of the blue I can somehow feel his hand holding mine like when I was asleep, even though he’s two feet in front of me. I blink twice. “You should eat. I’ll get you some rice.” I say as I stand up. Sehun immediately gets up as well, and gently pushes me back to the chair before I could reach the kitchen.

     “Stay there, I’ll do it myself.”

     I sit back, and watch him take the bowl, fill it with rice, and go back to the dining table. He marvels at the food Mom made, and starts eating. I silently watch him, but I try not to look at his face often.

     “Your mother’s cooking is always delicious.” he comments. I smile and push more side dishes towards him.

     “You’re not sick, are you?”

     “Hm? I’m perfectly healthy.” Sehun answers. “Why?”

     “I’m sorry… You went through so much because of me.”

     Sehun chews slower. “No problem.”

     “Do you have anything you’re supposed to do today?”

     “No, this week is a break. Next week is going to be the Daegu stop. I should be back to practice on Sunday, though.”

     “Oh my… You should be resting.”

     “Shhh.” Sehun finishes his meal, and looks at me. “So how’s Yoohee? When will you go to the hospital again?”

     “This evening. But I’ll go alone, you can continue resting.”

     “Don’t be silly.” Sehun mutters. “I’ll sleep for a bit more, then I’ll take you there. Don’t you dare to go without me.”

     I sigh. “Well. By the way, your new hair is cool.”

     Sehun’s facial expression doesn’t change, but he suddenly touches his head. “Yeah… Everyone dyes their hair. I figured out I needed a new style too.”

     Sehun walks towards the window wall on the living room, and looks at the snow-covered city outside. The view really reminds me of Jongin on his first morning two years ago, now also with the sleeveless shirt. God, I really need to stop recalling that. I shake my head repeatedly, and that’s when Sehun turns around and sees me. “What’s wrong?”

     “Nothing.” I speedily answer. Sehun approaches me, and cups my face with his two hands.

     “Your temperature is still a bit high.” he says as his hand moves to my neck. “You should rest too.”

     I’m secretly nervous with his touch, more than I usually am. I’m vacantly looking at his chest in front of me, and change my sight to the floor. “…yes.”

     He takes my hands, helps me up, and points to the corridor leading to my bedroom. “Go.”

     I attempt a relaxed smile, and we part ways to our respective rooms. I’m lying in my bed, looking at the ceiling emptily. I thought the painful emotional rollercoaster is finished.

     But now I’m experiencing it every time that man, who’s now occupying my guest room, is around.

     I roll around in my bed. How can I sleep again in this state?

*

     The trip to hospital is filled with Sehun’s happy tales from his first week being Shinhwa’s backup dancer, and he never runs out of stories and praises about Shinhwa.

     “…I’ll be willing to be their backup dancer forever.” Sehun says with a grin on his face.

     There are not many people inside Yoohee’s room when we arrive to the hospital, and I tear up to see her with bandages and countless tubes around her bed. She’s still to weak to talk much, so she just gives small reactions with her face.

     “What is this… We’re supposed to go to Lotte World tomorrow. We’re still going, right?”

     Yoohee smiles to me. I take her hand and it softly. We spend the time just being like this, then the visiting hour ends and Sehun comes inside to tell me. Yoohee looks at him silently for a long time, then when I’m going to say farewell, she grins at me widely, and winks. I frown and let out a forced laugh. This girl, even when she can’t move she still has a nerve to do this.

     At home, Mom is knitting in the living room, and I have nothing to do. We’re ordering Chinese food for dinner, and I got bored from watching TV beside Mom so I silently get up and walk towards the guest room.

     I knock the door softly three times, and soon I hear steps approaching the door. Sehun appears from behind the door after he opens it, and he has his phone on his other hand. “Oh—come in.”

     “Were you calling someone?”

     “Yeah… I just finished, though.”

     I nod, and come into the room. Sehun sits on the bed leisurely, with legs stretched out. He’s busy with his phone for some seconds, then throws it away to his side.

     “So… Baekhyun lives here, right? And he stays in this room?”

     “Yeah, usually he stays in my brother’s room but Sejoon oppa came home for Christmas last year, so Baekhyun just decided to move here.”

     Sehun looks around the room. “He barely comes home, I can see it.”

     I laugh. “Yeah… Mom was happy to still have him when I went for my internship, but in reality that was the time he got so much busier with practice.”

     Sehun jumps down from the bed, and checks the bathroom. “Tell him I used some of his shower gel.”

     Silence. Sehun walks to the window, and closes the curtains.

     “Jongin stayed here too that time, didn’t he?”

     “Yeah… But why are you suddenly talking about him?”

     “Nothing.” he keeps wandering around the room, and I’m just standing near the door awkwardly.

     “Let’s talk about something else, please.”

     Sehun scoffs. “Seah, I was just asking. With you being like this, you look like you haven’t moved on.”

     I glare at him, and sit on the bed. “I completely have.”

     “How? You have someone you like now?”

     “Yes.”

     Sehun turns around and meets my sight. “Oh, who is it? A coworker?”

     I look away, and shake my head. “Not telling you.”

     Sehun starts to walk closer to me, and I’m feeling tense. “Oh, being secretive, aren’t you?”

     I shrug. Sehun stands in front of me, with hands on his pocket. His plain white shirt is so thin, I can see the outline of his stomach with my eyes. I have both my hands stuck tightly on my sides even though I don’t need to.

     “Who is it?”

     I look down, avoiding his eyes. I shake my head slowly. “You don’t have to know.”

     “I should.”

     “Why?”

     I lift my head slightly and I flinch back a little to see his face inches from mine. I move back little by little, but soon I’ll fall to the bed if I keep being like this. Sehun has his hands pressing the bed on both my sides, and I’m still not able to meet his eyes. Why can’t I breathe properly?

     “What—are you drunk?”

     “No.” Sehun whispers.

     I can feel my heartbeats on my throat and due to nervousness I tightly close my eyes. Wrong timing, because that’s when Sehun finds my lips and seals them with his own.

     My hands aimlessly fly and they each end up on his shoulder, and another gripping the front of his shirt. The other parts of my body freeze, but soon I find myself returning the kiss. Oh no, I’m returning the kiss.

     But why not?

     I realize my hand is grasping his shoulder too strongly, and I break our united lips. Sehun swiftly steps back, and I stand up while staring at the floor. I go back to my previous spot near the door, eyes still fixated down. I’m breathing through my mouth, and I grit my teeth to feel my lips being moist.

     Sehun slowly moves towards me, and the drums are heard again from my chest. I gather my courage to look up, and finally I can look at him in the eyes. But those eyes I’m seeing are not the Sehun I’m used to see. I’m dying to look elsewhere again, however now I just can’t.

     He holds one of my wrists and I engage in the most painful staring game I’ve ever had in my life. He goes near again, and now I don’t even draw back.

     “You should ask me the same question… I wouldn’t drag any time to answer that.”

     My stomach twists to hear that, but I strangely like the sensation. Sehun kisses me again, now swifter and without any holding back. He still has his grip on my wrist in control so he wouldn’t hurt me, but I wish he had put some strength there because I can barely stand still.

     “Kids, the food is here!” Mom melodically calls from outside, and I open my eyes in panic. Sehun lets go of me and I hold the nearest wall to support myself.

     “Yes Mom.” I try to answer with my normal voice, but in the end it cracks. Without looking back at Sehun I open the door, and rush to the living room. I struggle to hide my face from my mother in the kitchen as she’s preparing some plates. “I—I need to do something, please have a meal without me. I’ll eat later.”

     I can’t hear what Mom says next as I rush to my bedroom, and lock myself in it. The room is spinning. Everything is spinning. I can’t feel my legs.

     Great, I won’t be able to sleep tonight.