Chapter 5
Can We Talk?

At 8 I head down to the lake where I promised I’d meet Jackson. I’m still shaken up from my talk with Bam but I can’t just cancel. I need to clear the air with Jackson.
I find him sitting there at the usual spot. He sits on a rock looking out at the lake, the city, the lights, the view. Our view. He has a bottle in his hands alcohol I assume.
“Um hey,” I greet him. He turns around. And smiles at me. Gosh it feels like ages since I’ve seen that smile.
“Hey.” He moves over making room on the rock he’s sitting on. I don’t really want to sit that close to him but I do anyway.
“Didn’t take you as a drinker,” I tell him. I look up at the sky and at the moon.
“Didn’t know you live with people,” he says back.
“I wanted to live with you.”
“That’s different.”
“Bam is like family to me. Our moms know each other and when he moved here he had no where to go. So I offered my place and we’ve been living together ever since.”
“For how long?”
“A little over a year now.” He nods his head and offers me his drink. I accept it. I kind of wish I hadn’t it’s pretty strong. I give it back to him and he takes a sip.
“Did you drive here?” I ask.
“You know I live nearby.”
“So you didn’t move.”
“I didn’t.”
“Hmm it’s like you haven’t changed at all.” He leans forward and hugs his knees.
“You know more about me?” he asks.
“I heard you still visit your mom,” I tell him. He hands me the bottle and I take a sip.
“I do,” he replies.
“How is she?” I ask.
“She’s well. Still talks about you,” he responds. I let out a short laugh.
“She’s always had a soft spot for me.”
“Since the day you two met she’s been in love with you. ‘If I had a son I’d want him to be just like Mark’.” Now a laugh forces its way out of me.
“Sad part was she did have a son, you,” I tell him. He leans back.
“Sad part was we broke up.”
“Jacks, you’re the one who broke up with me.”
“No, it was a mutual agreement.”
“Oh yeah because I totally needed space too, huh? Jackson I was willing to marry you back then.”
“I know that’s why I needed space.”
“You broke my heart and stepped all over it.”
“Mark you ran away! I never wanted to break up with you.” 
“Saying you need space is breaking up with me.”
“No it isn’t. Mark you knew how much I loved you. You knew I’d do anything for you.”
“Yet you wouldn’t marry me,” I let out a dry laugh. 
“Mark, don’t be this way,” he pleads with me. I take a very long sip of the drink.
“Don’t you ever hurt Bam,” I tell him.
“I won’t,” he replies. I swallow, hard. This is a lot harder than I expected.
“I can’t believe this is our first conversation after two years,” I tell him. “Well not exactly our first there was the meeting in the supermarket. But this is the first real one.”
“I-.” He stops what he was about to say. “It’s nice seeing you again.”
“I honestly thought I’d never see you again.”
“I did too. Where did you go? Why did you hide? When I said no to you that didn’t mean I wanted to stop seeing you Mark.”
“I know. But- but it was hard Jackson. So very, very hard. I just couldn’t see you anymore.”
“It couldn’t have been that hard.”
“Five years,” I tell him. “We were together five whole years. Five years of being with you, seeing you, kissing you. And then falling in love with you, loving you, and doing it all over again. Of course it was hard. But it looks like you had it easy.”
“I didn’t.” He turns to look at me. He’s so beautiful in the moonlight. “I called so many times Mark. I went to your house for months. I know you ignored me all of that time. Then you moved and changed your number and I looked for you. Eventually my mom and JB stepped in and made me stop. Told me I needed help. That was eight months. Eight months of me trying to find you and get back to you. But you shut me out. You shut me out completely and didn’t bother to at least say good bye.” A tear rolls down his eye.
“Jacks.” He sits up straight and wipes it away.
“I’m over it,” he announces. “I’m moving on. More focused on my job, my life, it took ten months but it’s fine now.” I bite my lip. I want to ask but I probably shouldn’t. It’s a bad idea to ask. I keep the question inside. It’s on the tip of my tongue but I hold it in.
“I’m glad,” I tell him. My voice sounds like it’s being squeezed in a tube.
“Are you?” he asks. I nod as I hold back tears.
“I am. I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry for shutting you out. And if it’s possible Jacks I’d like to start over.”
“Start over?” He lets out his high pitched laugh. “We have a little too much history to just start over Tuan.” I close my eyes thinking this over.
“Can we at least try?”
“No.”
“For Bambam? He doesn’t know about us and it would be nice to keep it that way.”
“What do you want Mark? To be friends? To be acquaintances? To only keep in touch when it comes to Bambam?”
“I don’t know.” Because just being with you hurts I think to myself. He stands up while nodding his head.
“I want to be friends,” he tells me. I stand as well.
“Friends?”
“Friends. We started off as friends we can end as friends,” he says. I nod. On the outside I agree on the inside I’m dying.
“Okay we’ll be friends,” I tell him. He shakes my hand. “Um bye.” I wave at him and start walking the way I came from.
“Oh Mark?” he calls to me.
“Yeah?” I turn around to face him. He strides over and pulls me into a hug.
“I never broke up with you. I only said no.” He releases me and stares at me. I want to ask what he’s trying to say. I want to understand what he means. Instead I just watch him leave.

Chapter 6
Never Change  

“How did it go?” Jr. asks me once I get inside the house.
“Jin, when are you going home?” I ask him.
“Soon. They planned another date,” Jr. tells me. “Want to crash?”
“Um I don’t think so. Maybe we should just . . . stop.”
“Aww Mark where’s your don’t-be-cliche spirit?” he asks.
“I just can’t do this with him anymore,” I tell him. “It hurts seeing him. It hurts to hear him laugh see him smile. And it hurts just knowing he’s with Bambam now.”
“Yeah well it hurts me that I wake up every morning to paper work.”
“Jin!”
“Sorry, sorry. I should be more considerate I know. But it was just so nice seeing him again after all this time.”
“It was,” I agree.
“Changing subjects. So I was invited to this big art gallery thing downtown. And I hate being alone-.”
“Which is why you’re here.”
“-And you love art so we should go together.”
“As your date,” I tell him. He shrugs.
“Sure. Everyone wants to date me,” he smirks.
“Jinyoung no one wants to date you.”
“But you would date me, wouldn’t you?” 
“If you needed a confidence boost yeah.”
“Well then. I need one.”

The next night. I get ready to go out with Jr. I decide to wear a button down shirt and slacks. I walk into the kitchen to find Bambam fixing his tie. The kid’s in a complete suit.
“Wow! Where are you going?” I ask him. He turns to face me with a smile.
“Jackson and I have a date. He just said to wear a suit,” Bambam replies.
“Must be a really nice place,” I tell him. Bambam smiles.
“He must really like me if he’s taking me somewhere expensive on our second date.”
“Um yeah,” I agree. Being in high school for the majority of our relationship made it hard to go anywhere fancy. I get that. What high school kid takes their dates out to crazy expensive places? Especially so early in the relationship. But there was that one year of being together after graduation. Why didn’t we do anything over the top and expensive then? I shake the thought out of my head. We couldn’t do expensive dates then either. Jackson was working really hard to be a model and I was looking for a job. We couldn’t afford it then.
“Hyung, where are you going?” Bambam asks.
“Oh just going out with Jinyoung.”
“You won’t show up at my date will you?” he asks.
“Oh no. We’re going to back off for a while.” He sighs.
“Oh thank you. That’s a relief.”
“Yeah.” We hear a knock on the door.
“I’ll get it.” Bambam runs to the door and reveals Jr.
“Oh Bam nice suit,” Jr. says. He’s wearing a button down with a sweater over it.
“Thanks. Anyway I’m going to go now. Bye bye.” Bambam waves goodbye and leaves.
“You don’t look happy,” Jr. says.
“I’m fine,” I answer quickly.
“What are you really thinking?”
“We should interrupt their date.” Jr. smiles at me and then turns his head.
“Ah Mark just get into my car.”

“You’re right we should just go to this art gallery and enjoy ourselves. Bam deserves a good date with Jackson.”
“Uh huh.”
“It’s not fair to him that we keep ruining things.”
“You’re trying to convince yourself,” he points out.
“No, I’m reasoning.”
“With yourself.”
“With you.”
“Sure you are.” We pull into a very fancy area and Jr. lets the vallet boy take his car. As soon as we step out of the car we’re offered glasses of champagne and an inside.
“Uh who invited you to this place?” I ask him.
“My other boss. You know how he is,” I tell him.
“Right, right.” My eyes scan the entire place. It’s beautiful. From the baby statues peeing all over to the columns to the pearl white columns holding the building up.We enter the building and it takes my breath away. So far I’ve only laid eyes on two painting and I’m already in love. 
“My best friend everyone. Lover of the arts,” Jr. mutters.
“My best friend everyone. Someone who will forever be alone,” I joke around. I take a sip of my champagne and end up spitting it right back into the cup. In front of a painting two halls down is Jackson and Bambam.
“We’re crashing their date?” I ask Jr.
“You seem slightly upset.”
“You didn’t say they’d be here!”
“I don’t say a lot of things.”
“Jin! What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking that this could be fun?”
“You said your boss invited you!”
“News flash Mark. Jackson and I work under the same guy.”
“What? But y-.”
“Work with you? I have two jobs, remember? And I quit the old one for something better. From busy paperwork guy to backup dance. Don’t worry it’s more like a hobby. Plus I still have that job with you incase things don’t work out. Oh I go on tour in three months. Don’t miss me too much,” he says. And pats me on the back.
“What!?” I yell. Jr. looks around and pours my cup of champagne down my open mouth.
“Calm down. It’s a lot to take in I know. But hey look around Mark. Art!” He then walks away from me obviously trying to avoid a fight.
“Unbelievable,” I mutter. I walk around aimlessly. Looking at painting after painting and enjoying what I see. Eventually I’m closer to Jackson and Bambam than I thought but they don’t notice me.
“I’ll be back,” Bambam says to Jackson. Jackson grabs Bambam’s arm and pulls him close.
“Where are you going?” he asks. Bambam smiles at him.
“The bathroom,” he laughs. “It’s like you can’t stay away from me.” Jackson gives him a small smile.
“Hurry back.”
“I will.” Bambam gives Jackson a quick kiss and walks away and I still go unnoticed. They seem so happy together. It was almost as if Jackson didn’t want to let him go. I feel a slight pang of jealousy deep in my gut. But I take a few steps closer and grab a glass of champagne from a waiter as he passes by.
“Never took you for a fan of the arts,” I say out loud. Jackson turns and smiles at me then looks back at the painting.
“People do change you know.”
“Do they? You just didn’t seem to change at all,” I shrug. “It’s like you’re a painting stuck in time forever.”
“Not completely,” he tells me.
“Oh?”
“What do you know Mark? How am I the same?”
“Well I’m pretty sure you still workout while eating lollipops,” I tell him.
“Ah good one.” I smile at him. “Another.”
“You still have that cute hyena laugh.” He nods. “You still prefer to see the moon rise rather than the sun.”
“How do you know that?” he asks.
“You kept looking at the sky last night. Your ‘Just Relax’ pose is still your favorite.” He takes a sip from his cup.
“It is.”
“And you wake up every morning thinking about the person you care for most.”
“You have no proof of that.”
“I don’t. Now how are you different?”
“I’ve grown appreciation for the arts,” he starts off. “I’m a more focused and hard worker. I changed my type in guys. I no longer go for the hot smart ones but the fun, cute guys. In case you haven’t realized.”
“Ah,” I say with mocked interest. “Why is that?” I ask.
“The smart ones break your heart.” I swallow, hard. I shouldn’t continue that so I decide to slightly change the subject.
“Anything else different?”
“You haven’t changed much either Mark.”
“Haven’t I? I mean I live with another person. And we both know how much I hated living with other people. I think five times before I do. I don’t fall for crap as easily as I used to. I’m a lot more self aware I should say.”
“But there’s one thing that will never change.”
“And what’s that?”
“You’re still in love with me,” he tells me. My eyes widen.
“H-how do you know that?” I ask.
“You still look at me the same way you always did. And I’ve realized you’re being a little too careful when you’re around me. Long story short. I know you Mark. And there’s no way to get around it.”
“Yeah well jokes on you Jackson,” I tell him. He looks over me with a spark of interest.
“What makes you say that Mark?”
“Because you still love me. Don’t you?” I ask. It’s a total bluff. I have no idea how Jackson feels about me. All I know is right now is he likes Bambam.
“I do,” he says. His answer takes me by surprise. “I never tried to get over you and I probably never will.”
“Do you regret it?” I ask.
“What?”
“Saying no to me?”
“Every day of my life,” Jackson replies. I feel my eyes go moist. I can feel a tear forcing it’s way down. This is too much to take. Why would he tell me this? Why now? Why did I have to ask? I try to hold my feelings in.  Mark this is not the right time to cry. I look him right in the eyes.
“If you still love me, then why are you with him?” I ask.