CHAPTER 3

 

As time passed by, and as often as we see each other, Dasom and I had established a kid-adult friendship. And as usual, our meeting place was in the park. Everytime we see each other, we shared stories. Whenever I'm sad, I was just eager to see her so that I would find myself smiling again. She seemed like a pain-reliever to me. I told her about that.

"Jinjjayo?" Dasom reacted.

"Ne. I think you would be a good physician if you become one." I complimented.

Dasom stopped for a while. "I really want to become a physician someday." She said.

"Ahh, jinjja? I never thought that you have already established a mindset like that." I startled.

"I hope that I would become a physician today."

I became bothered with what she said. She sounded serious. I wanted to ask why but I couldn't. I was moved with reluctancy. She sounded like there was something that she haven't told me before. Even if she's about two decades younger than me, I respected her. I just waited if she would tell. "I never saw you sad like that." I sympathized.

Dasom remained silent. "Don't be sad Dasom-ah."

Finally, she looked at me. "Unnie." She started.

"Ne?" I expected for her confession.

"You really believe that I would become a good physician someday?" She asked.

"Of course." I replied.

"But I really want to become a good physician today." I got more curious. "I'm glad that you find a pain-reliever in me, unnie."

I smiled at her, still eager for her to tell. "I wish that appa(daddy) do the same." She stooped. I wondered what was behind those words. I suddenly stopped and didn't know what to feel. And I didn't know if I would ask her or not. I remained speechless. As I looked at her, I could feel her pain. I wanted to comfort her but I didn't know how. It was the first time that I saw her that serious and sad. And I was frightened that she might not be able to hold her tears. I didn't know what to do, and even what to say. "I wish that appa do the same." She repeated as she gradually raised her head and looked at me.

"I don't know what to say." I admitted

"Unnie, my appa is sick." She became teary-eyed at the confession.

"Aigoo." I sighed deeply. I wanted to ask her about his condition.

"And he's dying." She added.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

I saw a tear fell from her eye. She seemed different at the time. I did not saw in her the little girl who always wore bright smile, who seemed to have no problem everytime I see her. But that particular moment, I witnessed her crying. "Ulji maseyo Dasom-ah(Don't cry Dasom), I'll be here for you. Don't lose hope. Your appa will be fine."

"But he's dying and in great pain."

I started to feel her pain that I could not supress my tears from falling. "But he would feel the pain more if he saw you crying. Maybe, the best that you could do now is to try him to smile like the way you did to me. Haven't I told you that you have a contagious smile?" I tried to change her mood.

"But my smile could not cure him."

"Eotteoke?  I don't know what to say. Seems like no words could comfort her. I can't stop her from crying." My mind talked since I didn't know what to say anymore.

"Nae appa chakhan(My daddy is kind). And it seem not right to me for him to suffer like that." Dasom said.

"Can I ask what is it that he is suffering about?"

"Harabeoji(Grandpa), halmeoni and even appa didn't told me about that. But accidentally, when I was about to go to appa's room, I heard from outside the voices of harabeoji and halmeoni. I heard them talking with appa. I didn't try to open the door and enter the room. I just stayed ouside. I listened to them. They said that appa should go back to States. I was curious why appa should go back to States again. He just arrived from there. It was almost four years that I got eager for my appa, and when he got home, I was very happy. I met my appa at last. He was in the States since I was a baby. Harabeoji and halmeoni said that appa was working there. But I recently found out that appa was sick..and still sick...I didn't know that he was then suffering from leukemia."

"Omo." I interrupted.

"I asked halmeoni what leukemia is when I told her that I heard them. She said that it's a cancer in the blood. I heard before that cancer is a very dangerous disease and only few could survive. Appa undergone in many treatments in the States, but how come that he can't be cured? Halmeoni said that he's getting worst now. Unnie, eotteoke? He's dying and I can't do anything about it."

Dasom began to sob after she revealed to me everything in detail. I couldn't help about it. I tried to stop her from crying but I couldn't. I understood her. I knew how she felt. So I just let her tears fell until she calmed down, so that her pain would somehow diminish.

 

 

When I got home, I thought about what Dasom has revealed. I felt her pain 'cause I also experienced myself what she's going through. It really hurts when you knew that someone dear to you would later be gone.

 

 

In the office, I told Yoona about Dasom's situation. She felt sorry for Dasom. "Why is it that both of you have to suffer like that?" Yoona asked.

"I'm also wondering. Dasom seemed to be the pain-reliever to me. She always lends me her bright smile. But now that she's in this situation, I don't know if she would still be able to smile brightly. And I'm afraid that I might accuse myself of being unfair." I said.

"Waeyo?"

"Because I'm not a good comforter. I can't smile as bright as she do. How could I be her pain-reliever?"

"I think Dasom will understand. You've been through what she is experiencing now, so I think she would understand why you couldn't give her a bright smile as a way of fading her pain away for a moment." Yoona explained.

I thought about it, but I still searched a better way to comfort her.

 

 

When Sunday greeted, I went to church alone. I prayed about Dasom's agony. I hoped that she would accept everything that would happen, that she would be fine very soon. When the mass ended, I decided to go to the park. I thought that I have to see Dasom. I sat at the same swing, but that time it was not Yuri and Hyoyeon whom I waited for. It was Dasom. Dasom knew that I always sat there so she exactly knew where to find me when she wanted to see me. I just waited for her.

"You really can't move on."

I turned to someone who spoke. It was Yonghwa. He surprised me again.

"Oh, it's you. I didn't know you're there." I said.

"You sit at the same swing. Are you still waiting for Yuri and Hyoyeon?" Yonghwa asked.

"Aigoo...Aniyo. I'm waiting for someone else."

"Someone else?"

"Ne. My new friend."

"Ahh, jinjja?...I'm glad you have a new friend."

I gave a bit smile with an obvious look of sadness. "But why are you sad?" He asked.

"Because Dasom is sad. She's going through a serious agony nowadays." I replied.

"So Dasom is her name...What happened?"

I told him the story, so he began to express his sympathy. "How unfortunate for her. Why it has to happen now that she's still a kid?...How frustrating...She would later become an orphan."

"Aigoo..Ne. An orphan..nacheoreom(like me)"

"Oh mianheyo. I didn't mean to mention. Jeongmal mianheyo." Yonghwa suddenly asked for forgiveness when he sensed my feelings.

We patiently waited for Dasom but she didn't appear. "Seems like she will not come. Look, the sun is about to set...Let's go, I'll fetch you home." He invited.

"Yonghwa-ya, thank you for being there while I waited for Dasom. I hope that you didn't find your time wasted being here."

"Aniyo. Actually, I saw you earlier in the church and I have decided to follow you here."

"Jinjjayo?"

"Ne. I noticed that you were sad, and as a friend, I wanted to comfort you. That's why I'm here. If I have to spend my time for a friend, it wouldn't be a waste." He said.

"Kamsahamnida." I smiled having a good feeling.

"So, let's go? I bet you're tired. I have to fetch you home."

"You don't have to. I can take care of myself. I bet you're tired also so you don't have to fetch me home."

"Aniyo. Don't feel uncomfortable with me. I am your friend, so please do allow me to fetch you home."

"Arasseo."

But before he could take me home, he invited me to have an early dinner with him. At first, I refused because I thought that he has done too much for me. I feel ashamed when he stayed by my side while I was waiting for Dasom. And I got more ashamed when he said that he would fetch me home. Yonghwa is my friend, but I'm still uncomfortable being with him. We never spent time before without Yoona and Kyuhyun.

"I'll just eat at home. Thanks for inviting." I humbly refused.

"Aniyo. It's my treat for you. I want to do this because I know you're frustrated. Jigeum, this is the way that I thought would somehow lighten your feelings from frustration. So before I fetch you home, allow me to be a good friend of yours."

I smiled at him and responded "Arasseo."

 

 

One day, I visited eomma's grave again. I got surprised when I saw that there was a fresh bouquet of flowers placed on her grave. I wondered who visited eomma before me. Seemed like that person has just left. I turned left and right to see if there was someone who seemed familiar. Unfortunately, there was none. "Who could probably visited eomma?" I thought. As far as I know, it was only me who always visit eomma for three consecutive years.

 

 

When I went to the park, my mind continued to wonder about the person who visited eomma. On my way to the swing area, I saw from afar that there was someone sitting at the swing I used to sit.

"Aigoo!" I continued to walk. I wondered who the person was. He was alone. I could not recognize the person just by seeing him rear viewing. I stepped closer, wondering why I was walking on the way to the swing when someone was there. I sat at another swing, one swing apart from him. I still wondered who he was so I looked at him. He was fully clothed. He was even covered with hood attached from his sweater, and under his hood was a bonnet. I wondered if he was sleeping because his head was inclined and his eyes were closed.

"Oppa, gwaenchanayo?" I asked without minding if I disturbed him. "I bet you're sleeping so I tried to disturb you 'cause you might fall. Choesonghamnida." I explained.

The guy opened his eyes and looked at me. Upon sensing that he was about to look at me, I repeated "Choesonghamnida." I bowed.

"Seohyun-ah, I'm glad you're here."

When I heard the voice, my heart started to thump quickly. I slowly raised my head and looked at him. "W..W..Wongeun-ah?"

"Ne. Please don't run this time."

I feel ashamed, so I gradually turned my eyes on the ground. It was only then when I realized that the way he dressed up was exactly the same when I saw him in the grocery. As far as I remember, that was not the way he dressed up way back when we're still together. I wondered if he changed a bit when he left to States.

"Choesonghamnida." Wongeun bowed.

"You look pale. Gwaenchanayo?" I worriedly asked.

"Don't mind me. Jigeum gwaenchanayo."

"Are you sure?"

"Ne."

I wondered why he was there. I was about to ask him when "I bet you are wondering why I am here. I really waited for you here." he said.

"Mweo?"

"When you hid away from me in the grocery, I followed you upstairs. Yesterday, I saw your friend Yoona alone. I approached her and asked about you."

"Mweo?"

"I went to your house but I found out that you don't live there anymore. So I asked Yoona where you live now but she refused to tell. I begged her to tell me at least where I could find you often, so I went earlier to your eomma's grave. I stayed about an hour but you didn't come. So I came here, hoping that you're here." He explained.

"So it's you who visited eomma."

"Ne."

A short silence surrounded us.

 

 

"Seohyun-ah"

I looked at him, wondering what he would say. "Choesonghamnida...I left you during the time that you were still mourning for your eomma. I didn't have the choice. Time has challenged and defeated me. I want you to know that I really didn't mean to hurt and leave you. I know that I must've explained it before but I only got the courage today." I listened to him carefully. "Aigoo....I'm really sorry if I caused you too much pain. When you lost your eomma, I followed along with your bestfriends Yuri and Hyoyeon. You lost them also because of me."

"Don't remind me about that..Jebalyo!!(Please!!)..I couldn't help the pain." I thought. I began to lose control on holding my tears back so I cried.

"You were left alone but I really didn't mean that." Wongeun began to cry also. "I knew that Yuri and Hyoyeon didn't like me for you. They were your bestfriends but you chose to defend me, that's why you lose them. I wanted them to like me for you. I even tried to prove myself that's why I left you. It's one of the reasons why I left." He explained.

"I don't understand." I uttered.

Wongeun began to sob. "You said earlier that you had no choice. What do you mean? What are you trying to explain?" I asked in curiousity. I waited for him to respond as I perceived that he was gaining some courage.

"I'm sorry for hurting you more by being confused. Please forgive me."

"Please tell me." I insisted.

I didn't know why he couldn't tell me. I really wanted to know. What was that that kept him from supressing to explain clearly? Or perhaps, he just couldn't find the right words and the right way to make me understand everything. Was that so? Or it was just me who was unable to read their implications? But the thing was, I admittedly didn't understand him.

"Please tell me." I insisted more.

He looked at me in the eyes and said "I left you because I love you."

I stopped for a while, puzzled and furious at the same time. "How can you say that?" My tears fell again.

"I left you because I didn't want to be unfair to you."

"You're making me more confused."

"I don't know where to start."

"Just tell me clearly why did you leave me? You left me behind without telling me the reason. From that very day, you were unfair. And now you're telling me that you didn't want to be unfair? If so, why did you leave me? Why can't you tell me the exact reason? Don't make me confused. I need to understand. Jebalyo?" I bursted out my curiousity.

I patiently waited for him to explain clearly. Seconds have passed but silence still reigned. I noticed that he looked more pale.

"Let's end this conversation. You look more pale. I think you have to rest. Just tell me the reason clearly when you are ready. I bet you know where to find me." I said.

I was about to stand from the swing and leave when I saw him fell on the ground. "Oh, Wongeun-ah...What's happening to you?...Wait, I'll ask for help."

But he held my hand and said. "Geokjeonghajima. I'll be fine later. Please don't try bothering other people."

"Are you sure? Eotteoke?"

"Please help me sit on that bench."

I looked to where he was pointing. "Arasseo." I did as what he asked.

 

 

"Wongeun-ah, I think you have to go home. You need to rest." My mood suddenly turned to concern. I couldn't hide the fact that I care a lot for him.

"Seohyun-ah, I will understand if you will claim that I have just fooled you."

I looked into his eyes, conflicting between his condition and my eagerness to figure out the truth.

"But I want you to know that I loved you and I didn't fool you." He continued explaining things I found hard to comprehend. He seemed not yet ready to tell the exact reason so I did not bestow a word.  "I left for good. I wish that when I come back, I would be worthy enough for you." He shed tears so I became bothered. "But I didn't make it. I'm too weak to be defeated." He sobbed again.

Seeing him like that made me cry. Why does it hurts and makes me cry when I see him crying? I cried not because he kept making me confused but because I saw him crying.

"Do you remember when I met your eomma? I said that I will take care of you." He reminded.

"Ne."

"That's why I left...I left with the hope that I could fulfill what I said in front of your eomma...but...I think I could not make it so, I asked forgiveness in her grave."

I wanted him to make me understand clearly. Why couldn't he fulfill anymore what he said to eomma? I remain puzzled, totally clueless. But the thing was, it was so hurting to hear that. He thought he couldn't make it? Does he know that he pricked my heart once more? I thought of any possible reason behind that heart-pricking confession.

While I was in the middle of solving the puzzle, someone broke it by crying out "Appa!!!"

The voice who called out was familiar. It was Dasom's. Dasom hastily approached Wongeun. I startled. My eyes widened.

"Appa, why are you crying?" Dasom worriedly asked.

She then turned to me. "Unnie, what is happening?"

I was still in shock. "A..a..a..appa?" My voice cracked that I couldn't deny that I was having a difficulty in mentioning the term. "Is he your a..ap..appa?"

"Ne." Dasom answered straightforwardly.

I was really shocked. My heart ached more, so my tears were no way to held back. I barely revealed my true feelings towards the intriguing and devastating news.

I looked at Wongeun. I saw in his eyes that he felt sorry as he remained speechless while shedding tears. "My appa is sick and he's dying." I recalled. "I was curious why appa should go back to States again. He just arrived from there. It was almost four years that I got eager for my appa. He was in the States while I was a baby. Harabeoji and halmeoni said that he was working there, but I recently found out that appa was sick, and still sick. I didn't know that he was then suffering from leukemia. Appa undergone in many treatments in the States, but how come that he can't be cured? Halmeoni said that he's getting worst now." I remembered Dasom's words.

"That's why you're that pale. You were sick, and still sick...Why did you hide it from me?" I began to sob.

Wongeun wondered how I knew about his sickness when Dasom intervened.

"Unnie, why are you angry with appa? Didn't I told you that he's sick? He needs to lighten his burden. Please don't be angry with appa. Don't make him cry." The innocent child pleaded.

The crying face of Wongeun suddenly turned to wondering face as he listened to the words Dasom and I had exchanged. Perhaps he was wondering if Dasom and I knew each other. He looked confused.

"Wongeun-ah, gwaenchanayo?" Dasom's halmeoni approached. I never knew that Dasom's halmeoni is Wongeun's eomma.

"Seohyun-ah!!!" Yoona called out to me.

I turned to her, sobbing. She hurriedly ran towards me. She was with Yonghwa and Kyuhyun.

"Seohyun-ah, what happened?" Yonghwa asked.

I ceaselessly sobbed so I answered no word. I didn't expect them to come but I immediately perceived why they were there. They came to rescue if ever something not good would happen with my encounter with Wongeun. Maybe Yoona perceived that Wongeun and I will going to meet that day, so she prepared for whatever would be the consequence of the encounter, and she asked Yonghwa and Kyuhyun for help. How thoughtful my friends are.

Yoona held my hand and tried to stand me up so we could go home. "Seohyun-ah, let's go."

I remained sitting so Yonghwa helped Yoona to stand me up. I tried to suppress what they were doing to me. I faced to Wongeun and asked him once more "Waeyo?". I bet I appeared more pitiful than Wongeun at that very moment.

 

 

When we reached Yonghwa's car, they tried to calm me down. "Seohyun-ah, please calm down. Stop crying." Yoona begged.

"I need to talk to him." I pleaded.

"Aniyo. Ijen anya.(No. Not now.)"

"Waeyo? I have to ask something."

"Ask him next time. You need to calm down first."

"Eotteoke?" I was determined to talk to Wongeun again but they kept from suppressing me to do so.

 

 

Yonghwa stopped the car near my house. "I don't want to go home yet. Please bring me back to him. I need to understand everything." I bursted.

"Stop hurting yourself." Yonghwa said. "Yoona-ya, take her home." He ordered Yoona.

"Arasseo. I'll stay with her for the moment. She needs someone to talk to." Yoona said.

Yoona and I boarded off the car. Yonghwa and Kyuhyun didn't follow.

"I don't know what I would feel." I bursted right after we entered my house. I was glad Yoona was there to listen.

"Waeyo?" She tried to listen for she knew that I badly needed someone to talk to.

"He keeps on confusing me."

"Why are you bothered now? You said that if there are people in your past that you are interested with, that's Yuri and Hyoyeon. If so, why then are you bothered now about him?"

"I thought he didn't loved me..I thought he only fooled me....." I paused. "..but yes, he did." I added.

"Mweo? That's confusing."

"Ne, it is. Even I, I'm also confused."

I left Yoona in puzzlement while I slowly solved them. "He told eomma that he would take care of me, that's why he left. I didn't know that he was sick then." I explained.

"Mweo?"

"He left to States for medication, hoping that he would be cured, so that he could fulfill what he has said to eomma. I thought he didn't love me, but he did."

"But why are you confused?"

"I'm confused about Dasom."

"Dasom?"

"Ne. The kid you saw earlier is Dasom." My tears began to fell freely. It was hard for me to tell about Dasom.

"A..a..ap..pa..Appa" I gulped.

"Seohyun-ah" Yoona got bothered with my cracked voice, the way I hardly mention. She rubbed my back.

"Appa..that's what she called Wongeun." I weakened.

"Mweo?" Yoona's eyes widened for surprise. And I cried. "That's really confusing."

I concurred by nodding with what Yoona have concluded.

"Aniyo. It's not." Yonghwa interrupted. I thought they already left. "Don't you see? His love wasn't real." He bursted looking straight into my eyes.

"Yonghwa-ya, don't say that. She's already hurt." Kyuhyun likewise interrupted.

"If he truly loved you, then why he has a daughter?" He pursued.

Yoona tried to stop him, but he ignored her. "He returned now because he can't be cured and he's dying, right? He returned to ask forgiveness from you for all the things that he had done wrong to you, and that includes about his daughter. Can't you see the point? He fooled you and he's asking for forgiveness because he was struggling with his conscience." It was the first time that I saw Yonghwa raging, and it trembled me but I tried not to unveil.

"How did you jumped into such kind of conclusion?" I asked in frustration.

"That's how I understand."

"You're so mean. How could you judge him like that? He's dying. Please be good to him." I wanted to say those words but I kept it to myself. I lost the appetite to talk. Seemed like I didn't want to hear any further words. A sudden silence calmed the moment, but a little later, Yoona broke it.

"Seohyun-ah, I have something to tell you."

"What is it?" I replied in an uninterested way.

"I think I already saw Wongeun three years ago."

"Jinjjayo?" I got interested.

"Ne. I just remember it now. And yes, I think it was him."

"Yoona-ya, what is it?" I got eager.

"I think I saw him in the hospital three years ago. He was standing outside the nursery section, wearing the patient robe. He was pale. He was teary-eyed while looking at the babies. His parents looked for him and when they found him looking at the babies, his eomma insisted him to go back to his room. He didn't want to but continued looking at the babies. I silently watched them as I was standing few steps behind from them. Later on, I heard him talk."

When she paused, she looked in my eyes. I gulped as my eyes were beseeching for her to continue. "He said that  the babies are beautiful. He wished he had one. I knew he was pertaining to someone whom he loved when he said 'I wish WE have one.' He said that he dreamed of marrying the girl and be her husband. He said he had planned everything but he was afraid that his plan would remain as a dream because he was sick. He wished he wasn't sick so that he didn't have to leave her. He said he didn't know how to explain everything to her in a way that she wouldn't be hurt. After he finished talking, he cried in front of his parents."

My tears kept falling upon hearing Yoona. "Are you sure about that?" Yonghwa asked Yoona.

"That's what I remember." Yoona answered.

"But are you sure that's him?" He asked further.

"They have the same face." Yoona assured.

"Are you sure that's three years ago?" I asked Yoona.

"Ne. I'm sure. It was the time that my goddaughter was born."

"If so, then what about Dasom? She's four years old now."

All of us thought about it. "Halmeoni said that I look like eomma. And I believed her because I really don't look like appa." Dasom's words echoed in my mind again.

"I need to understand clearly. I need to talk to him right now." I bursted.

"Are you going back to the park?" Yoona asked.

"Ne."

"We'll go with you."

"Aniyo. I can take it."

 

 

I went back to the park but they're already gone. I stayed hoping that he would come back. "I'll fetch you home. It's already dark. He will not come back." Yonghwa surprised me. I thought he didn't chase after me.