I’m starting to build up evidence that the universe does in fact have something against me. What could my ancestors have possibly done for me to warrant such disasters occurring all around me? Wasn’t it enough that I had gained such a ridiculous reputation by sheer random events alone? Or are the gods/goddesses/deities/all other omnipotent beings out there conspiring against me, punishing me for a crime committed by my ancestors generations past?

Nari and Youngjae join me in the nurse’s office to treat the injuries to my psyche. The whole debacle has been ruled off as an accident, as it truly was, but that didn’t stop speculation from spreading around. I should know. How many times have I been at the receiving end of these terminological inaccuracies? Too many than any normal, regular student should have to deal with in one lifetime, is how many.

“Are you okay?” Youngjae asks.

Nari answers. “Of course she’s not okay! Look at her! Were you not there when it happened? What’s wrong with you?”

Youngjae rolls his eyes and asks me again. This time, he specifies he’s asking me, looking only at me and pushing his hand into Nari’s face to prevent her from doing or saying anything else.

“I guess,” I answer. “I don’t know.”

I really don’t. There’s a part of me that’s mortified to have shared The Thing with Kim Namjoon in such a public manner, another part that’s ashamed by it, and another part that wants to go back to Plan A and just murder Kim Namjoon so my life will go on in peace. This isn’t even calling into question the ideation that I have placed upon The First Kiss. It should have been special. It should have been with someone I truly liked. It should have been Mark!

But no, all I get is Kim Namjoon.

“Are you ready to go? Do you feel up to walking out there?” Youngjae asks, clearly concerned. “Should we call someone?”

“She’s gonna have to face the music eventually,” Nari says, pointing outside the window. It was late afternoon and school has already been dismissed. “She can’t hide out here forever.” Then to me she says, “You’re not hiding out here forever.”

To be fair, I wasn’t thinking about hiding here. Not here. More like at home. Where it’s safe. Far, far away from stupid boys with egos the size of giant planets inside giant solar systems.

“She needs time to recover,” Youngjae argues. “This is severe trauma.”

“Your face is severe trauma.”

Youngjae’s comeback is interrupted by a knock on the door. I hold them back from answering, afraid that it could be Kim Namjoon. But it’s not.

“It’s me, Jackson. Can I come in?”

I shake my head but Nari is already letting him in. Is it too late to pretend to be asleep? I could be asleep, right? Even if I didn’t hit my head or get physically injured, I could be asleep. That is, if I were lying down to begin with.

“Hi, are you okay?” Jackson asks. Mark follows closely behind him and shuts the door as soon as he’s inside. Great. Fantastic. Perfectly peachy.

“Sort of.” I’m afraid to say anything else. Not that I could, I’m still reeling from the shock of what’s happened. As much as I want to lash out, that’s not happening anymore. Not with Mark within the vicinity. I spy a glance at him, but Mark is being Mark, quiet, aloof, back against the wall and arms crossed over his chest.

Jackson sits on the edge of the cot, where Nari was sitting just a few moments back. “He probably did that on purpose, what a low-life.”

I nod, not really sure how to respond to that. Nari is agreeing, though. Nodding as if Jackson took the words right off . “He probably did, that’s not something that happens just accidentally. Totally premeditated.”

I can attest that it wasn’t, but I didn’t want to seem like I was defending Kim Namjoon of all people. “I’m okay, really.” I tell them. I think the question’s already been answered and the moment already too late, but having all these people here was getting weird. “You didn’t have to check on me.”

Jackson smiles and it’s lopsided and sincere. “What are you talking about? Of course I have to check on my Candy Girl.”

I ignore the grins on Nari and Youngjae’s faces. I even try to suppress the smile forming on mine. “I’m really fine. It was nothing. Just a silly accident.”

“It’s not. You tried to stop him, didn’t you? From hitting me.”

Uhm.

Jackson is serious now. He turns to the others. “Hey, could you guys give us a moment?”

Mark pushes himself off the wall and opens the door. He gestures for Nari and Youngjae to leave first before following them out. I’m alone with Jackson now. And I know it’s just about to get even weirder.

“So.”

So is not good. Not always. I’ve seen enough romantic comedies to know where “So” is headed to. I laugh. It’s shrill and nervous. “Don’t worry about it,” I say again. “It’s not the end of the world!”

I’m afraid he’ll ask if I like him. I’m afraid he’ll ask me to be his girlfriend. I’m afraid because even if that’s what I set out to do today, I realize now that telling him the truth is not really as easy as I thought it would be. Jackson looks at me as if he’s trying to figure me out. Like there’s an answer he wants to hear but he can’t find the right words to phrase his question. I’ve never seen him this serious before. I admit, I’m curious.

“What is it?” I ask.

“I’m thinking about how much I like you.”

I think I stopped breathing.

“But then I really don’t know you that much.”

And breathing is back in business. What he says sparks a sliver of hope. If he continues to say what I want him to say, I may not have to do the work after all. If he says what I want him to say, it would lessen the load on my shoulders. I could just pretend to be suitably upset and then move on to greater goals. Like Mark.

“So maybe we should go out more.”

“What?”

He shrugs, now suddenly all sheepish. “You know…”

“Uhm.” Great. What do I say? Think!

The door opens and Nari pops her head in. I’ve never been more relieved. “Guys, the nurse is about to come back. I think we need to schedule this conversation for another day before we get into actual trouble.”

“Yeah, okay,” Jackson answers. “Just another minute.”

“I think we should go,” I tell them, hopping off the cot. “I really don’t want to get into trouble.” More than already.

If he noticed I’m avoiding this conversation, Jackson shows no indication that he did. Nari is giving me that all knowing look which I dismiss and signal for her to let go. But of course she doesn’t so when Jackson and I walk out, she nudges my sides and conveys her questions with her eyebrows. I dig my elbow into her ribs and that shuts her up for the meantime. Youngjae just hands me my school bag and doesn’t say anything, thank goodness. Or anyway, he’s not saying anything just yet.

“I’ll walk you home,” Jackson says, joining our little group.

“He’ll walk you home,” Nari reiterates, emphasizing the words so much even people who had no business in this started noticing us as well. Then she grabs Youngjae and starts walking ahead of us.

Mark just shakes his head and I can’t tell what it’s supposed to mean. He walks behind Nari and Youngjae, hands in his pockets. Jackson and I take the rear. Are we supposed to continue where we left of? What was I going to say to him? What was my point again? He asked me out, I think. The package deal sort of thing that meant multiple going outs like an actual steady thing. But does that mean he’s asking me to be his girlfriend? How am I supposed to answer the question when it’s phrased so vaguely?

“I live kinda far,” I say, “You don’t have to walk me all the way. I can manage on my own.”

“Yeah ‘cause you’re a tough girl, I get it,” he answers. It’s a joke, I think.

”I just don’t want you to go through the trouble.” And I really don’t need this burden on my shoulders right now.

“It’s not trouble at all.”

We walk in silence for the next couple of minutes. Me, staring at Mark’s back, at his red bag and his skateboard while Jackson failed to initiate conversation. Four times he’s looked my way and opened his mouth, and all four times his mouth snapped shut with nothing to say. Nari and Youngjae have gone off into some discussion over our weekend plans, something about going to town to visit Unplugged and hang out somewhere along Fourth Ave. I wanted to jump in and say we should check out the new collection at True Beauty, but I guess I didn’t want Mark to think I was shallow for wanting to look at clothes.

“Uhm, so this is me,” I announce once we get to the big intersection. “I can walk by myself from here.” Like I always have since first year.

“I’ll walk—“ Jackson’s phone rings before he finishes that sentence. “Hello? Mom? Okay, I’m on my way. I’ll be there in ten.”

Not that I was happy or anything, but I am definitely relieved. I step backwards into the direction of my house and say, “I’ll see you guys on Monday?”

Nari points to the other side of the intersection across me. “Anyone going this way?” She gets negatives. “Fine, I’ll see you two tomorrow,” she says to me and Youngjae. We wave goodbye and she’s off.

“I’ll be okay,” I tell Jackson. “Your mom’s looking for you, you should get going.”

Jackson doesn’t look pleased but he doesn’t argue. “Okay.” Then he says to Mark, “Make sure she gets home, okay?”

What?

Youngjae and Jackson head off together in the same direction, and now here I am. With Mark. I should say something, but I’m completely and utterly unprepared for the situation. While I may have imagined this scenario occurring multiple times in my dreams, the reality is simply dimensions away from what I could ever make up in my head.

Mark walks ahead. Every couple of steps he pauses to make sure I’m right behind him. My heart is beating, I can feel it like I’ve never felt it before. How many times have I pictured this moment in my head? How many times has Mark confessed to me in my dreams? I can’t believe this is actually happening. Even if Mark ends up not saying anything at all, I can sleep tonight knowing that if I die tomorrow, I’d have no regrets.

In my fantasies, Mark would smile at me and say something like “It’s not working.”

I’d answer, “What isn’t working?”

Then he’d say, “Stop fronting.”

I’d be all confused and flustered because it couldn’t be what I’d think it is but nonetheless I’d say, “I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

But he’ll just grin at me and say “I already know everything. It’s written all over your face. So don’t try to hide it anymore.”

Of course my hands would fly to my face and I’d be nervous and shy and embarrassed and maybe I would consider running away but of course I won’t do that in my own fantasy.

Mark would then say to me, “Don’t look away. It’s okay.”

And then he’ll take my hands away from my face and look into my eyes and then—

“Hey you, are you okay?”

Back to reality, Mark is looking at me like I’m the star of a freak show. Given recent events, I might as well be. “Uhm. Yeah?”

“You were making really weird chokey, strangle-y noises just now.”

I cough. Or maybe I choked. “No, it’s uhm, it’s my, uh, allergies,” I answer, lamely. I cough again and clear my throat.

“Right,” he mutters. He goes ahead, again, and we’re back to keeping to our thoughts.

“You don’t have to, you know, walk with me.” I say this to somehow salvage my earlier embarrassment. And maybe having Mark this close is wrecking my sanity.

“I live over there,” he says, pointing vaguely down the road. “So it’s inevitable.”

All this time we could have walked together from the start? I need to devise a new strategy to get closer to Mark. “Oh. I see. I, uh, my house is over there.” I point to the right. “So I guess I’ll see you.”

Mark looks at me from over his shoulder, and instead of walking on towards his house like I thought he would, he turns right and into my neighborhood. I don’t even get to ask, he just simply answers, “Jackson’s gonna ask and he’ll throw a fit if he finds out I made you walk alone.”

“You don’t have to tell him.”

He laughs. A little. “Yeah, but then I’ll feel bad.”

That’s it. Goodbye Dear Heart, you’ve served me well these last sixteen years. The scenario is straight off my fantasy, Mark standing under the streetlamp smiling at me. Should I tell him the truth? Should I tell him that it’s always been him all along? That the whole of first year was nothing but a ginormous misunderstanding and that the candy was his all along. The red scarf was his all along. That everything I have ever done was so he would spare me a glance.

He quirks a brow and I must look on the outside exactly the way I feel on the inside. My heart is beating so fast and so loud that everything I see, everything I hear is in high definition. How many times have I walked down this road before? Everything seems so new, so wonderful, so so very alive I can barely breathe.

“You okay?”

More than okay. I’m flying! “Sunbae, I—“

But I get cut off, this time by Mark’s phone ringing. He answers, and it’s Jackson. “Yo. Yes, I didn’t leave her behind. We’re almost there. Yes. Seriously.” Mark points his phone at my face. “Say hi.” I oblige. “See, she’s with me. I didn’t abandon her like you’re accusing me I did.”

My stomach lurches and it’s like whatever blew me up into the air just blew up in my face. Tears sting my eyes and my throat closes off. There’s dead weight inside my gut and all I want to do is curl up in my room and never leave there.

“He’s so weird,” Mark says, shoving his phone back into his pocket. “You okay?”

People seem to be asking me that a lot tonight. I nod, certain that I’m in no condition to speak.

We start walking again, me lagging behind just like before. I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other, breathing in and breathing out. I can’t cry. It would look silly. And when he asks me why, what am I supposed to say? That I’m upset Kim Namjoon stole my first kiss? That I’m even more upset Jackson asked me out? That right now I realize that as long as Jackson thinks I like him, Mark will drift further and further away from me.

“I guess you’re not okay,” he says, stopping by a fork in the road. I walk to the left and he follows. “You wouldn’t be after this afternoon.”

“I kinda don’t want to talk about it.”

“I guess you wouldn’t.” Mark is behind me now so I don’t know what his face is supposed to convey. I think I may have heard a little laugh, or maybe it was a sigh? I just keep walking. It’s only a couple more minutes before I’m home.

“You know he really likes you.”

I wish I misheard that. “What are you talking about?”

“Jackson. He really likes you.”

I don’t know what to say so I don’t say anything at all. This is the worst feeling in the world. Caught in between a web I never meant to fall into in the first place. I don’t know what Mark is trying to tell me. I can tell it isn’t simply just stating fact like he’s making it out to be. I won’t ever claim to be an expert on Mark Tuan, or that I just know things about him. I’m painfully aware of where I stand in the grand scheme of things. The universe doesn’t need to remind me so quickly and so harshly. The least the universe can do is allow me a moment to shamelessly revel in the thirty or so minutes I had with Mark. Prolong the fantasy a little bit more before pulling the plug.

“He asked you out, didn’t he?”

We’re just a few more steps to my front door. “Are you asking because you don’t know, or are you asking to confirm what you already know?”

“Do you like him? I mean, you must like him even just a little bit. With the candy thing and all. Do you?”

I don’t get where he’s going with this line of questioning. If I tell him the truth, what would it matter? I could get Jackson to leave me alone, but I also know that if Jackson leaves me alone, I would never, ever, have another chance to be around Mark ever again. If I hurt his friend, he’ll end up hating me, too.

So I just say, “I don’t get what you’re trying to say. What do you want me to say?”

“The thing with Kim Namjoon.”

That gets my attention and I turn to properly face him.

“All this talk about you and him, Jackson is the kind of guy who won’t believe what he hears if he doesn’t want to believe it. The truth could be staring him in the face, but if it doesn’t fit what he wants, he’ll take it as a lie and believe what’s convenient. I don’t know what the truth is either, but Jackson likes you. And you, you’re either serious about him or not at all. I can’t talk him out of this, so if you don’t want him the way he wants you, you tell him that. Don’t string him along and play with his feelings.”

“There is no thing with Kim Namjoon.”

“Well, Kim Namjoon doesn’t seem to think that, does he?”

“That is out of my control. I tried to tell him that, but he won’t listen to me.”

“Just don’t hurt Jackson’s feelings.”

“Well, since you’re so curious, yes Jackson did ask me out. I didn’t answer him yet because I was phrasing letting him down in a manner gentle enough for his delicate faculties. You don’t know me, so don’t go around assuming that you do.” Is what I want to say. But that didn’t exactly happen the way I planned.

What I actually say is “I won’t do that. I’ve made candy for the person I like for that long, it’s not a game or whatever you might think it is.”

Mark accepts this answer without saying another word. Somehow, I manage to signal I’m home, and he just drops his skateboard to the ground and cruises away.