I have a problem.

Aside from the obvious (and there’s already too many of those), Mark’s birthday is coming up this week. Friday. This sets me off into a brand new existential crisis because 1) Do I get Mark a present? 2) If yes, what do I get him? 3) How do I get it to him 4) What do I say when I give it to him, and 5) What are the implications of doing all of the above?

With the disaster abated somewhat, my mornings have experience a decrease in Mark Tuan’s presence. He still shows up before me by the school gates or by my locker, as if he doesn’t realize that he’s fanning the flames of inferno by being in my breathing space. Both Nari and Youngjae agree with me in thinking that if Mark had just left me alone, all this would have been over without any conscious effort from any of us. The fact that Mark showed up with me after what he did at the beach only served as fodder for the rumor mill.

But what’s done is done and all I can do now is move on with my life.

I consider it a small miracle I don’t run into Mark this Monday morning, so I make my way to my classroom feeling normal for a change. Once I’m settled in my desk, I send a quick message to Seokjin:

Did Namjoon freak out or anything?

Seokjin replies after a minute:

He’s in one of those philosophical bull episodes. He’s fine. He’s been composing a lot and reading a lot lately. Don’t worry. We’re all still friends ; )

Another message trickles in just as I’m about to put my phone back inside my skirt pocket. Still Seokjin.

We’re celebrating Joonie’s birthday next Saturday, if you’re interested. Nothing crazy. Catharsis, Cake, Cypher pt3. You’re invited. We miss you.

I reply:

I have to ask my parents, but I think I can make it. Can Nari and Youngjae come?

His reply:

Of course. The more the merrier!

Well, that’s one thing off my list. Now I can say that I’ve brought Nari and Youngjae to Catharsis. Hopefully, Open Your Eyes! or at least the members show up that weekend. Nari’s full-on stalking Day6 now, and she’s heard they sometimes play at Catharsis. I should ask if Seokjin knows the lineup for next Saturday.

A shadow falls over my desk, and I don’t get to ask my question. It’s Jimin.

“Hi?”

He scratches the back of his head. “Namjoon told us.”

“Do you want my homework?” I offer. I feel like it’s the least I can do. Namjoon would totally be against that, but I really need to make it up to these guys. I’ve vilified them for the past year and a half and Redemption is the new theme to my life.

“Seriously?”

I pull out my English workbook and hand it to him. “Have at it.”

Youngjae takes his seat in front of me as Jimin leaves. “What was that about?”

“He needed help with homework.” Then I give him the short version of the Explanation and the possible Catharsis Thing. “So, you know. Maybe we should give them a chance.”

Tuesday.

Nari’s excitement for our Catharsis trip is the stuff of legend. Really. She’s been outlining her plans for that evening since morning. It’s lunch time now. But that’s all good because I only have three more days to decide what to do for Mark’s birthday if ever I decide to do anything at all. I’m leaning towards the negative.

“I think I’ll wear that sweater you got for me when you went sale diving in True Beauty’s surplus stocks.”

“The black one? That would look so cute on you.”

“I know!”

Nari is so excited, she doesn’t even notice Youngjae steal a spring roll from her lunch. He’s just as excited, but he isn’t about to start talking about what outfit he’s going to wear. Jaebeom and the others will be there too that night because Day6 is performing just as we hoped. As it turned out, Catharsis isn’t an age-restricted club. It only looked that way because of false reputations. But that’s the thing about false reputations, it’s always the ones you don’t openly talk about that end up getting exaggerated the most.

Nari and Youngjae discuss the merits to Day6’s music, but I’m too distracted by my stream of thoughts. I’ve spoken to Namjoon and now we’re on our way to healing and becoming friends again. It’s still awkward, but Seokjin assures me that once high school is all over we’ll be over the drama too.

“Do you think I should talk to Jackson?”

Nari’s chopsticks pause on the way to . “And say what?”

“The truth?”

Youngjae barely stifles a grimace. “I guess? But Jackson isn’t Namjoon. Namjoon looks like he can kill you but is actually a fluffy duckling on the inside. Jackson might not be as understanding? Even if he looks like a sweet potato roll?”

The mental image gives me a minor brain aneurysm.

“It’s the right thing to do?” I say. “Because the worst part of all this is that their friendship is suffering because of me.”

“That’s if you keep thinking that it’s your fault,” Nari says. “You always think that you’re at the center of this when maybe it has nothing to do with that?”

But I am at the center of this mess, and that’s the problem. I can’t discount what I did to them. I don’t know the extent of their fight, or the extent of their progress on being friends again, but the guilty conscience is mine.

“Maybe we can ask Jaebeom later?” Youngjae suggests.

Maybe we can ask him now? Jaebeom usually had his lunches at the cafeteria with Jinyoung and some other friends. We still had more than enough time to talk before classes resumed for the afternoon.

Nari shoots me a look. “Relax. We’ll do it after school.”

Wednesday.

I think I might go ahead and do something for Mark’s birthday after all. According to Jaebeom, yesterday Jackson ran into Mark at the entrance of their class and the two shared a nod of acknowledgment. Mark doesn’t really talk to me, despite my asking him to and him assuring me that he would, so I don’t really know what the state of Markson actually is. But it seems promising.

Mark is waiting by the stairs. He’s sitting on the second to the last step, playing some game on his phone when I get there. Nari and Youngjae just give me patronizing looks before going ahead. I think they’re dropping by Khunfections before going home. I want to go with them, but Nari had a point when she told me this morning that maybe I should talk to Mark before Jackson.

“You don’t have to do this anymore,” I say when Mark looks up.

He pushes his hair out of his face and blinks at me. “Why not?”

“It’s pathetic.” I walk ahead, but only after I made sure that Mark is following me down the stairs. “I heard you’ve become some kind of weird loner now. Don’t do that. Why aren’t you talking to Jackson?”

“Tell your source that I did try talking to Jackson, but he’s still upset. That guy can hold a grudge sometimes.”

“What happened?”

“Relax. It’s not you, exactly.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I look over my shoulder in time to see that lopsided grin flash across Mark’s features. I remember it was just last year that that smile could send me to the moon and back. Right now, I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

“Just…don’t…kind of…Don’t beat yourself too hard about it because it’s also Jackson’s fault, and maybe a bit of mine.”

Mark’s admission freezes me in my tracks. We’re at the landing of the stairs, that in-between space between two flights of stairs, in between floors, in between I don’t even know where we are in the grand scheme of things. I look out the window because the alternative is to look at Mark, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

Outside, I see Nari and Youngjae waiting by the front gate. I think maybe they’re waiting for me. Maybe it’s not too late and I can still catch up with them. I think maybe I should just do what my sister said to do and just slowly free myself of all of this. To just focus on what’s important. It’s not like I have a lot of time left with Namjoon, or Jackson, or Mark.

“Hey…so…”

“What is it?”

The rest of Got7 meet up with Nari and Youngjae and the group leaves campus together. I can still catch up, I think. I’ll just message them later. On the other side, I see Namjoon and the boy scouts emerge from the garden area. They’re laughing at something, Hoseok is doing some kind of dance and Taehyung is describing something with his hands.

I turn to Mark.

“I was wondering…” He lets a group of third years and a second year couple walk past us first. Once they’ve cleared the bottom flight of stairs, Mark turns to me again. “Actually, never mind. It’s nothing. See you around.”

Then he goes ahead of me. I call Nari to tell her that I’ll see them at Khunfections after all.

Thursday.

I’m definitely not getting Mark anything for his birthday.

“You’re acting like a couple, did you know?” Nari says.

We’re at our favorite secret spot outside on the fire escape. She’s going over our science homework as I tell her about that thing with Mark yesterday. She noticed he didn’t show up this morning. I noticed too, but I didn’t feel the need to point it out like she did.

I hiss at Nari. I actually hiss. Like a cat that fell into a puddle.

“What now? You are.”

All things considered, I don’t think “couple” is the right term for it. Casual acquaintance is more like it. It’s not like we’re even friends? I’m so annoyed at him. Ugh. At least I have Namjoon’s birthday celebration to look forward to. That’s the only bright light in the midst of all this chaos. If I keep thinking happy thoughts, maybe I’ll survive one more week. And then one more month. And then one more semester. And then that’s it. I’ll be a senior and then it’s just one more year and then all will be good.

“Don’t you like him anymore?” Youngjae asks, distributing our milky drinks.

I poke my straw into my strawberry milk. “I honestly don't know how I feel about anything anymore. Much less about people.”

Not true. I’m sure about Jackson, I’m sure about Namjoon, but I’m never sure about Mark. I think this is the part where I have to seriously contemplate the meaning of the universe because it feels like Mark is the weight-bearing load of all this trouble. My sister assures me that the universe will always find a way to restore balance and I won’t really have to do anything drastic, but it feels drastic to me. It feels like I have to be the one to do something. Anything.

“It’s his birthday tomorrow,” Youngjae adds. “This time last year we were planning a contingency to ninja your gift into his locker. I think it involved me pretending to choke on something and you breaking into Mark’s locker.”

“Well,” I answer. “I’m not getting him anything this year. I won’t even greet him at all. From now on, we commence Mark Avoidance Phase.”

Nari rolls her eyes. She pulls this off so well. “Sure. Whatever you say.”

From downstairs, we hear the sound of a skateboard landing on the concrete. The swish and pop is so distinct I don’t even move to look to see who it is. I hear Jaebeom’s voice, I hear Jinyoung laughing, and later I hear a near imperceptible chuckle.

While Nari and Youngjae are busy with their phones, I look over the balustrade and see Mark show Jaebeom how to properly land his kickflip. Jaebeom tries again, but my eyes on an Mark as he kicks the tail of his skateboard, catches it on his foot, then lifts it up to his hand. Maybe Mark wasn’t that much of a loner anymore if he’s finding friends in these two guys.

“Ehem…”

I glide my eyes back to Nari and Youngjae and play it cool. “What?”

Nari sends me a knowing glance, but I ignore it. Even Youngjae seems to be thinking the same thing, but I’m sure about my decision.

I make the effort to look offended. “I’m really not doing anything for tomorrow.”

Friday.

It’s not like I was up all night waiting for morning to come just in case Mark decides to show up at my house this morning. Because I wasn’t. I was up all night because of other things, like not-Mark-related insomnia. That’s totally normal.

Anyway, I’m at school really early because I was awake really early and not because of any kind of plan or whatsoever because it’s not like I’m here to do something in secret. It’s not as if I decided to stop by the confectioner’s shop on my way home yesterday to refresh my kitchen stock or anything for a special reason.

I just felt like making peach candy again.

Right. I also just happen to be passing by someone’s locker. His actual locker. The locker that belongs to Mark Tuan.

I’ve done this so many times before, it’s weird that I’m feeling the apprehension now. Maybe because this time I know he’ll know it’s me. Maybe because if Jackson shows up first, he’ll see the candy and know what’s up. Not just Jackson. Everyone would know. And I don’t know if that’s going to help me or not.

Okay. I can do this.

Before anything else, I look left and right first to make sure there are no witnesses. Youngjae used to do this with me before, but this is something I feel like I should do on my own. Also, I don’t need him to insinuate insinuations that shouldn’t be insinuated at all. He’ll only tell Nari, and that’s a whole new conversation in itself. When I confirm that I’m clear, I hold the small bag of candy against Mark’s locker, and stretch the sticky tape across the top and diagonally to secure it in place. I take one tiny moment to see if it holds, then I step back.

And bump into a solid chest.

“Sorry!”

“It’s fine.” There are times when I really wish the Earth would open up and swallow me whole. Jackson steadies me on my feet before letting go of my arms. “You okay?”

“I’m fine.” I can’t even look at him. I’m so embarrassed. But, this is probably my opportunity. “Jackson—“

“Was it because I was away this summer?” He sounded so sad. Sad enough to skip right to the main event. We’ve never talked before. I think that’s one thing that needs to change.

I shake my head. “It was never that.”

“Is it because it’s always been Mark?”

Somewhere I hear glass shattering. Metaphorically. Jackson glances over my head and towards the candy I taped on Mark’s locker. I’m not sure how much he’s heard or if there’s any chance that the truth has come out and he’s heard about it in passing. That’s not fair, I know. He should hear the truth from me.

“I messed up the lockers. It’s really my fault.” I’m shaking, but I know I can’t let Jackson see that. “I’m really sorry. Mark has nothing to do with this. He’s just…I think he’s just being nice because he’s not sure what else to so—“

“You’re even defending him.”

“It’s all a big misunderstanding…”

“And no one’s bothered to explain to me anything? Do you know how that feels? No one told me anything.”

“I’m really sorry, Jackson.” I know sorry isn’t the right word here. I’m not really sure what is, but it’s the only truth I have for him. “I never meant for any of this to happen.”

By now a small crowd has gathered around us. Students stopped to eavesdrop and talk amongst themselves. This is not part of the plan. I could still get away, I think. But that would be unfair to Jackson, and I’ve been the most unfair to him all this time.

“I know you probably can’t forgive me, but maybe you can still be friends again with Mark?”

Jackson scoffs. “This is just great. You’re making me the bad guy now? I told him I liked you, but he…” he took a deep breath. “Whatever. Are you two, what, together or something?”

Unlike the past where I just let the silence answer his questions, I open my mouth to talk. Silence always breeds your worst imagination, and the simple truths don’t hold a candle to what your brain fears the most.

But before I can explain myself, an arm wraps around my shoulders. For a second, I’m clouded by the smell of peaches, and when I look up, Mark is next to me. The crowd explodes in whispers and gasps. I see Namjoon and Seokjin in the crowd, and Namjoon flicks his brows at me.

“Are you okay?” Namjoon mouths. I think he’s ready to cause a scene just so I can escape unharmed. Why didn’t Mark just do that before? Why did he have to escape with me?

I nod at Namjoon and Seokjin. Then Seokjin whispers something to Jungkook who appeared next to him. If they have a plan, I sure hope it doesn’t involve any more crazy, life-threatening, Laws-of-Physics-defying, sanity-breaking stunts.

“Hey Mark,” Jackson says.

“Is everything all right?” Mark asks me.

I try to wiggle away from his arm, but he’s got good height, and thus leverage, over me. “All good.”

“Are you sure?” Mark lifts his gaze from me and to Jackson as if to challenge him.

“We’re just talking,” Jackson explains. “We can do that. That’s what we should’ve been doing from the start.”

“We can talk later,” I mutter, just loud enough for only the three of us to hear. “Like, in private maybe.”

“Let’s go.” Mark tries to steer me away, but I finally wrestle my way out. “What now?”

“I can go on my own. You two should talk?”

I step to the side, but Mark grabs my hand and pulls me back. Determination flashes in his eyes. He’s very determined. But determined to do what? Just like my last bout in the spotlight, the world winds down to slow motion and I see everything but at the same time see nothing.

Both of Mark’s hands reach out for my shoulders, he takes a breath, then leans in.

I react accordingly: my arms flail, I jump back, and I run away.