The moment I laid my eyes on Mark Tuan, I totally flipped. Seriously. It’s like I’ve been possessed by some supernatural force and my free will has been replaced by the sole dedicated urge to get him to notice me. It’s his smile. That shy, sweet, lopsided smile. It’s bewitching. Absolutely spellbinding.

I first met him on my first day of my first year in high school. Like most girls at that point of life, I carried with me a list of expectations programmed by a lifetime of watching romantic comedies, secretly reading shoujo manga, listening to pop songs, and going crazy over idols. I was totally convinced that my life was about to take on the adventurous as soon as I walked into the school grounds. For years I had waited to get to high school. My older sister has had so many stories about her adventures, aggressive crushes, and alleged near-expulsion experiences that I was so ready to create my own.

So there I was, walking towards the main gate, emotionally preparing myself for the new life chapter ahead, soaking up the energy around me, and trying not to get lost in the sea of humanity when I saw him. Mark was cruising by on his skateboard, careful not to crash into anyone or anything. All at once, in the middle of the strange and new environment, I was entranced by the graceful way he weaved through the crowd like he was flying, the early spring wind blowing through his hair. When he turned towards my direction, I felt like I was flying myself. As he passed by me, he smiled and I was a goner.

That same day, I managed to gather all the information I wanted to learn, largely in part of my seat mate Kwon Nari. I hadn’t meant to, of course. There I was, having lunch while familiarising myself with the class schedule when all the omnipotent beings out there decided to smile upon me. Another one of our classmates came up to Nari and asked for the intel on the best looking guys in school. Apparently, Nari is some kind of investigative genius (read: stalker) and she pulled out her handy-dandy notebook complete with pictures, and started dictating names and everything you needed, didn’t need, didn’t know you needed, and didn’t want to know about the guys on her list.

Through strategic angling and surreptitious eavesdropping, I fished out the following information: Mark Tuan, born September 4, currently in class 2-F, transferred from L.A. last year, his father’s from China and his mother’s from Taiwan, he has two older sisters and one younger brother. He’s rumoured to be dating some girl, but with the list of names Nari enumerated, it was hard to tell fact from fiction. In any case, I got what I wanted, and even made a new friend, albeit she didn’t know it yet. All in all, it wasn’t such a bad first day of school.

My first real encounter with Mark was during the first year orientation week. I just came out of the girls room when I saw some second years picking on a first year. I knew he’s a first year because of the color of his tie— uniform ties are colour coded for convenience: green for first years, red for second years, and blue for third years. I don’t really remember what they wanted from him, just that I couldn’t stand seeing anyone get bullied so I marched right up to the second years and with all the force I could muster, shoved one of them to the side.

Later that day I was to find out that the guy I totally pissed off was Kim Namjoon, a.k.a Rap Monster. He’s this underground rapper guy with a bit of anger management issues because of some trouble with certain things in his life, but of course I didn’t know that then. So anyway I yelled at him to leave my friend— the bully-ee wasn’t my friend then but that’s how it ended eventually— alone. Of course, when some first year tells you to leave someone alone, you, as an almighty second year will refuse to have your pride shattered, especially in front of your crew.

Kim Namjoon stared me down, and he’s very good at this staring people down business. I don’t know. I think guys like him go to some summer training camp where all they do is look in the mirror and glare their reflection to submission. Maybe it was an underground rapper thing, to you know, look all fierce and legit and whatever because all underground rappers seem to be so angry at the world. Anyway, Kim Namjoon was staring me down, and even though I was shaking and my palms and my soles were all sweaty, I held my ground because no one deserved to be treated like dirt.

And that’s when it happened. Like a scene straight off a shoujo manga, Mark Tuan came cruising down on his mighty skateboard, crashing into Kim Namjoon and dispersing the rest of his crew aside. I mean, how cool is that? Only Mark Tuan would ever skate in the middle of the hallway and not get in trouble for it.

Long story short, Kim Namjoon and his crew left us alone, all curses and scowls as they walked the other way. The bully-ee Choi Youngjae became my new best friend, and Mark Tuan became my Knight in Shining Armor. After that, Mark didn’t talk to us or anything, he just smiled to himself and kicked off again like ramming into Kim Namjoon was an accident. But I knew better. I knew, because as he left, he turned to me and ever so slightly tilted his head as if to acknowledge my acknowledgement of his act of heroism.

But because I was too stunned to speak at the time, I had to thank him some other way. My only other specialty, besides getting into trouble so it seems, was making candy. Yes. Candy.  Sweet, satisfying, indulgent candy. So the following day, I made a batch of pulled candy and taped a small batch on his locker— information brought to you by the one and only Kwon Nari.

“What are you doing?” Youngjae had asked, pulling me back by the sleeve of my blazer. Since I saved him from Kim Namjoon, he stuck to me like a leech despite being in a different class. Okay, so maybe I may have seeded the idea that sticking with me would do him good. I needed a lookout and Choi Youngjae owed me.

“Just make sure no one’s around,” I said, shrugging him off.

While Youngjae acted as a lookout, I taped the candy onto Mark’s locker, marvelling at the prosaic feeling of being filled with overwhelming giddiness. This locker business had been new to me then, but I soon recognised the endless possibilities. Before I extracted the intel on Mark’s locker from Nari, I had stationed myself around the vicinity to scout. I had qualms about being so open about my intentions, especially to someone as shady as Nari, but the mysterious magic surrounding seat mates had already been cast, and we bonded over boys and rockstars during Math class a few days prior.

Looking back, I had been overly excited and overly shy and maybe just a little bit delusional. In true rom-com heroine fashion, I didn’t leave a note with the candy, just a post-it note saying ‘thank you’. While I didn’t harbor fantasies about Mark immediately recognising the gesture and searching me out as soon as he got my present— okay, so maybe I did but that’s besides the point— I had hoped to receive some form of affirmation. Some kind of sign that we were on the same wave length. I didn’t.

It wasn’t until after that year’s summer that I had my next memorable moment surrounding Mark Tuan. But before I can tell you about this moment, we need to start from the very beginning.

When I heard from Nari that Mark was on the Sports Committee, I volunteered myself and Nari, to be our class representatives and coerced Youngjae to do the same. They didn’t take it too well. Sports Day preparations fell on the week of the midterms, and with Youngjae and Nari both vying for top spot on the year rankings, I was left all alone to deal with all the arrangements. No complaints. I got to spend afternoons in the same breathing space as Mark Tuan, sitting behind him during meetings and earning the privilege of a ‘Hi’ every now and then.

He smelled like peaches. I was delirious. Before you go assuming things, allow me to pre-emptively defend myself by saying that I did not sniff him on purpose. We were discussing logistics for the soccer game and I had to clarify a particular detail so I leaned over to ask him. Then, ah, peaches. I swear, I did not imagine it. I thought I did and Nari and Youngjae agreed that maybe I had inhaled too many fumes during Chemistry, so the next day, I leaned over to ask him who’s in charge of the basketball game even though we just talked about it two minutes ago. He still smelled like peaches, which I immediately conveyed to my co-conspirators. In abidance of the scientific method, Nari confirmed my observations that same afternoon when she ‘accidentally’ bumped into Mark on our way out.

By that time I had gathered enough courage to speak more than two words at a time at him. It was still an arduous task, but the satisfaction of having spoken to Mark Tuan was reward in itself, so on game day I prepared a special batch of peach flavoured four-leaf clover shaped candy to give him. You know, for luck.

“Who gives candy for luck?” Youngjae asked on our way to the basketball court. “Shouldn’t you just make him lunch instead?”

I had thought about making him lunch, but sadly, my kitchen skills only covered confections. “If I do that, I’d have to make lunch for the whole team.”

“Right,” Nari added, “because you wouldn’t want Mark-sunbae to think you’re treating him extra specially.”

“But you are,” Youngjae answered, “you make him anonymous candy every month. It’s creepy.”

“I like to think it’s flattering,” I shot back, “who else does that, right?”

“Hence, creepy,” Youngjae concluded, earning a shove from me.

In any case, they hadn’t tried to dissuade me so I took it as a sign that I should go ahead and give Mark the candy. I waited for him by the back entrance to the dugout, practicing my speech in case I forgot what I wanted to say. Because I had foreseen the event that I’d totally freak out and forget everything anyway, I had written my speech on my hand as well.

“Mark-sunbae, I made these for you. Good luck with the game.”

Saying it out loud felt really weird, but I told myself, if I could stand up to Kim Namjoon, giving Mark Tuan the candy would be a cakewalk. How sadly deluded had I been. When Mark and the rest of the team finally arrived, my feet took over and I ran away before they could even see me there.

“Well?” Nari asked when I got back to the bleachers. I had to squeeze through the other first years excited for their first Sports Day, but I got to our spot unscathed.

I shook my head and tossed the candy to Youngjae who immediately ripped the plastic open. “Mission Failed.”

“You can always try again next time,” Nari offered, fully sympathising with me. “Baby steps.”

It wasn’t nearly enough consolation for the trauma I must have been going through. Especially when you consider what I did for his birthday the month before.

It was no secret that the only reason I was so excited to go back to school after summer break was Mark-sunbae. Even my parents knew about it, and they both were vocal about being relieved I would stop complaining about not seeing him anymore.

On the first day back, I devised a strategy to deliver Mark’s present without compromising my identity. I wasn’t quite ready to have him know me just yet, so I made sure I was extra nice to Youngjae and Nari so they’d help me out.

“What?” Youngjae exclaimed after I told him about my plan. “Are you crazy?” Youngjae stopped by our room while I was on cleaning duty for Nari.

A hand-knitted scarf wasn’t exactly something I could just tape onto his locker so I was forced to take a different approach. “What? It’s not that complicated.”

“Why don’t you just give it to him?” Nari said, crossing her arms over her chest. “You know, like a normal person.”

“It’s not that complicated,” I recurred, dusting off the chalkboard erasers on the window.

“You seriously want me to break into his locker while Youngjae acts as a distraction so you can slip your gift inside?”

I nodded. “It’s not that complicated.”

“I’m pretty sure that counts as an offense punishable by expulsion.”

I rolled my eyes at Youngjae. “We’re not stealing anything. And if you distract everyone properly, no one’s going to find out.”

Needless to say, it didn’t quite happen that way.

I had settled for ninja-ing the present to him. Something along the lines of leaving it on his desk, but 1) we had to figure out where his desk was, 2) we’d have to survive the second year corridors, and 3) we’d have to make to his classroom undetected. Plan C was more along the lines of having someone else deliver the anonymous gift, but that would involve getting a third party accomplice to act as a messenger and I didn’t trust anyone else with my secret just yet.

In the end Nari and Youngjae had convinced me to just hand him the present because that’s why it’s called a present in the first pace. You present the gift to the recipient.

It was harder than any of us could ever imagine.

Mark always arrived to school just before the warning bell rang so the morning of his birthday was immediately scratched out of our Window of Opportunity List. Lunch would bring too many unwanted spectators, so would dismissal time, and there was no way I was talking to him during club hours. My best, and only, chance was to corner him when he was alone. But Mark Tuan was never alone.

To further demonstrate that Mark Tuan is the next step of human evolution, he has developed a sentient outgrowth called Jackson Wang, Fencing Star. Seriously. They are never apart. Even their lockers were next to each other. Which is exactly why my Birthday Mission failed on the actual day. I tried again, of course. But after a week of heartbreaking attempts to get Mark alone, I eventually gave up. And like every other great story out there, the day I gave up ended up being the day something happened.

I held on to Mark’s present all the way up to the 12th in hopes that I would finally get my chance. That afternoon, I was just so sick of my cowardice that I told myself I’d just do it. Just walk up to the guy and shove the scarf into his arms. I got my chance after study period. Mark and Jackson were on their way home when I ran up to them, filled with the glorious confidence of teenage crushes upped to level 9000. I should have probably walked slower because I fell over a potted plant and my paper-wrapped present slid all the way to the feet of the one and only Kim Namjoon.

And guess what, it was his birthday. Guess what again, the gift tag only read “Happy Birthday, Sunbae <3”.

My life was over.

Kim Namjoon wasn’t the only victim of the series of unfortunate events that followed me around my first year. In an attempt to redeem myself, I planned on finally revealing myself to Mark on Valentine’s Day. To further appreciate the brilliance of this plan, I had been sending him candies at evenly spaced intervals with the intent of a surprise reveal on February 14. I was all set. I perfected the heart shaped pulled candy with the words “I Like You” written at the center of the heart and spent the whole afternoon and night before the big day carefully making and packing them into a small red heart-shaped box. My earlier faux pas with Kim Namjoon still haunted me, but I managed to fend off the stares and the teasing. That Valentine’s Day was my chance at full redemption and every fiber of my being was going to take that chance.

Mark Tuan had a fair share of uncreative admirers with their boxes of chocolates that I had to pass through before I could present my candy. My plan of attack was a big blur, and it seems that I didn’t learn from my earlier episode. With all the fervency of a first year wanting sunbae to notice her, I bowed, presented him the candy, and cried out “Sunbae, please accept my present!”

I should have been more specific because when I opened my eyes and looked up, Jackson was grinning madly at me. “You’re the one who keeps leaving the candy on my locker!”

So yes, I planned on murdering Nari that night then jumping off a bridge. Unfortunately, Youngjae got in the way of my plans. Also, murdering Kim Namjoon and Jackson Wang seemed like a better alternative.

From that day on, I was either Rap Monster’s Girl, because he insisted on wearing that stupid red scarf that wasn’t for him at all, or I was Jackson’s Candy Girl for obvious reasons. At least I can say that no other first year had reached the infamy I had, even though, you know, it was well undeserved and completely unintended.

Not bad for my first year, huh.