Our Mystifying Love Life
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The title is good and it has a good connection to the story. Although it may seem ordinary at a glance, the longer you look and read it, the more interesting it seems.
The uses of questions in the descriptions are good and the quote is very catchy. However, I don’t recommend the way you introduce the characters, because you point out their personality and who they like and dislike. I understand the foreword is alike to a character chart, but the things you stated are supposed to be discovered through the story, not through bullet points. Not only do they look forced to the readers, but they also may seem like blind statements, because the readers are yet to know the characters.
You don’t have to change the font size of the story. For example, in chapter one, the font size of when Jaehyun was dreaming and when she was awake is different. You don’t have to make changes. It will be more natural if you use the same font size.
For the description, the box and the words in red are pretty much unnecessary, because they look stiff. The description is well-written, even without a change of appearance, the readers will be able to get the feel of it naturally.
Because this is a long-chaptered story, there is so much to venture in the plot. There are twists and unpredictable turns, but the story lacks the finesse to make it an exemplary piece of work. The way it is written, especially the beginning part, is quite simple. You can extend the paragraphs with some more details and actions.
Other than that, there is also a change of point of views (POV) in the story. POV transition in stories is usually rarely used because it is not easy. In fact, the transition in the story is not that smooth. I would suggest using only one POV, because you change your story’s point of view from 3rd person to 1st person and that looks abrupt. You can simply integrate Jaehyun’s POV or anyone’s POV into the same point of view by referring to them as third person characters. They can still have thoughts and things going on in their world, but in a third person point of view, not as an “I”.
Pictures are sometimes used to describe objects in the story. That is not recommended, because you are limiting the imagination of the readers. A story is a literary piece, so describe the object to the readers, don’t show it to them. If you do want to help the readers imagine, you can put the pictures as part of the chapter’s notes, not in the story.
Your grammar is pretty good, but sometimes you are not consistent in your usage of tenses. Some of your sentences have both past tense and present tense. It is not prohibited for the two tenses to be presented together, but their placement inside the sentences in the story is not suitable. Stories can either be written in present form or past form. Your story is written in past form, so every sentence will be written in past form.
Example: (Chapter 1)
Original Version: Jaehyun's parents wanted her to study in Paris but being so stubborn, Jaehyun stayed there with Yunmi. On the other hand, Yunmi has a miserable life with her parents so she decided to stay there also with Jaehyun. That's why they considered each other as close sisters.
Suggested Version: Jaehyun's parents wanted her to study in Paris, but being so stubborn, Jaehyun stayed there with Yunmi. On the other hand, Yunmi had a miserable life with her parents so she decided to stay there with Jaehyun. That's why they considered each other as close sisters.
Another example: (Chapter 2)
Original Version: Jaehyun turned around and straightened her body. She removed her hand from Yunmi's arm because she doesn't want Luhan to know about her weakness.
Suggested Version: Jaehyun turned around and straightened her body. She removed her hand from Yunmi's arm because she did not want Luhan to know about her weakness.
Another example: (Chapter 2)
Original Version: The three of them continue walking until they're already in front of their apartment. Luhan told them to enter the gate first before he'll leave. Both of them sighed and do what he said.
Suggested Version: The three of them continued walking until they were already in front of their apartment. Luhan told them to enter the gate first before he left. Both of them sighed and did as what he said.
Those are some examples I can give, there is still similar sentence error in the story.
2. Capitalize the first word in every dialogue.
Original Version: Kai chuckled softly and smiled "it's okay... Uhmm, just wanna ask if Jae... I mean you guys are already awake?"
Suggested Version: Kai chuckled softly and smiled. "It's okay... Uhmm, just wanna ask if Jae... I mean you guys are already awake?"
There also must be a full stop after an action before a dialogue starts.
3. Don’t forget to capitalize “I”.
Original Version: Kai nodded "i'll try, see ya..."
Suggested Version: Kai nodded "I'll try, see ya..."
4. Don’t put thoughts between asterisks (*). Present them as how sentences are usually presented and you can put the thoughts in a new paragraph.
Original Version: On the other hand, Yunmi was fixing the bed and thought about Kai. *i hope i can see him later*
Suggested Version: On the other hand, Yunmi was fixing the bed and thought about Kai.
I hope I can see him later.
The flow is good, the conflict of who Jaehyun loves is laced in the chapters and the chapters are all slowly moving to an emotional . The beginning chapters may have simpler contexts, but the last chapters are very moving.
This story has so much potential that it will be a pity if it is not developed to the fullest. The plot is intriguing, it has great twists. Do pay attention to minor details like tenses and punctuations because those little things will affect readers’ enjoyment. Good job! Keep writing!
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