South Side Mafia - XxLittleKittyXx
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The title is interesting and will be able to catch the reader’s attention. The choice of words, South Side Mafia, are creative and catchy. It gives off a very intriguing vibe.
The function of a description is to give a summary or to describe the story. In the story, the description is arranged into three sections which can be shortened into one section to make succinct and not confusing.
The function of a foreword is to give a preview or prologue to the story. Some parts of the description – intro 1 and intro 2 – are very suitable to be inserted here (as one combined section). Character introduction is unnecessary as sooner or later readers will learn to know them from the story. The introduction may look unnatural to the readers. Besides, listing out their personality may seem like boxing in their identity. It means you will need to stick to what you write in the foreword. It may make character development hard and rigid.
The appearance of the story is good and neat. The choice of font and font-size is well thought.
The story certainly starts off phenomenally. You wasted no time in introducing the gripping and adrenaline-inducing scenes in the first chapter, which are very good. It grabs the reader’s attention like nothing else. The following chapters also keep the same tone which is good. It keeps the action going on with different acts. All in all, this story has a very good start. I would suggest the story to start slowing down in the later chapters.
You are good in making detailed description. The settings, the actions, the characters are all described in a detailed way so as to enhance their existence. However, you may need to minimize your detailing in some parts. For example, when describing an action or an object you may need to omit the adjectives and adverbs so as not to confuse the readers. You can also shortened your sentence into compound words.
For example: He was in a complete buttoned up outfit. It had a bunch of green dinosaurs on it, being a darker blue shading.
The dinosaur on the shirt is an interesting point to make and it will stand out more if the sentence can be simplified.
Suggestion: He was in a complete buttoned up outfit. On it were a bunch of printed green dinosaurs.
Chapter 1
1. Original Verison: I cussed silently underneath my breath as the bullet casually zipped out of the shotgun clamped firmly in my thin yet pale appearing hands. The sentence is not too effective because there are too many sections in it. the length makes it hard for readers to digest the meaning which in turn will make them read the sentence repeatedly. You can also omit some adjectives and adverbs in the sentence to make it succinct and clear.
Suggested version: I cussed silently under my breath as the bullet zipped out of the shotgun clamped in my hands.
2. Original Version: In pure rage, I ascended my arm before pulling off a headset that seemed to make the sounds of gun fire and pullets more louder.
The word ‘louder’ is already a form of comparison, so the word ‘more’ is unnecessary. The word ‘raised’ may be more suitable than the word ‘ascended’. The word ‘ascend’ is used to describe the motion of a person moving up, not an action done by a person.
Suggested Version: In pure rage, I raised my arm before pulling off the headset that had made the sound of the gunfire louder.
3. Original Version: I frowned before feeling the familiar rage bubble up inside of me.
Consistency of tenses. The story is in past form, so every action must be written in past tense, except for dialogues.
Revised Version: I frowned before feeling the familiar rage bubbled up inside of me.
4. Original Version: The machine dragged it foreword slowly- as if it was afraid of me.
Revised Version: The machine dragged it forward slowly- as if it was afraid of me.
5. Subject-Verb Agreement
Example 1:
Original Version: Smudges was smeared on them Smudges are in plural form, so ‘was’ cannot be used after the word ‘smudges’.
Revised Version: Smudges were smeared on them.
Example 2:
Original Version: When I opened my bright brown eyes; we was in an alleyway.
Revised Version: When I opened my bright brown eyes; we were in an alleyway.
Example 3: (Chapter 2)
Original Version: Jungseok who bounced up and down excitedly, obviously knowing we was going for a raid.
Revised Version: Jungseok who bounced up and down excitedly, obviously knowing we were going for a raid.
Example 4:
(Chapter 3)
Original Version: We was here at their place, since Moon Jongup decided to take me and the rest of our gang. Here we all was, sitting on the couch… But, they was expecting that.
Revised Version: We were here at their place, since Moon Jongup decided to take me and the rest of our gang. Here we all were, sitting on the couch... But, they were expecting that.
6. Original Version:
Once the clanking and glocking of the guns was eased and more silent, everyone stared at me with determination on their face's. (Chapter 2)
Revised Version: Once the clanking of the guns ceased, everyone stared at me with determination on their face. Here are some of the errors I can point out. There are some similar errors like those in the story.
The flow of the story is good. There isn’t any abrupt scene or sudden changes. Although you need to be careful in using POV changes. The change of point of view may make readers uncomfortable, especially if is a first person changes. Readers may make a mistake in identifying the person who becomes ‘I’. I would suggest not more than two or three POV changes in a story to make it consistent and not confusing. /p>
The story establishes a very interesting plot with a lot of actions. The story has just begun and it has a lot of opportunity to improve. However, I would suggest you to get a beta-reader to check your grammar and structures so as to avoid minor mistakes. Keep improving!
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