a fingertip away - chariseuma
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The title is good. It has a good choice of words and has a strong connection to the story. It describes how close yet far Yoongi is in getting Wonhye. It is a well-chosen title.
The first paragraph of the description is beautifully written. It can grab the attention of the readers and make them curious of how the story will unfold. The second paragraph is also well-written with a nice flow. However, I would say that the second paragraph can suit as the foreword because foreword usually includes an excerpt of the story. I see that the foreword of the story contains information of the story. That is usually written after the excerpt.
There is also a part which needs modification:
Original Version: Now, at almost nineteen, his heart seemed to beat faster than he was at fourteen...
Revised Version: Now, at almost nineteen, his heart seemed to beat faster than it had been when he was fourteen...
This is because the sentence is comparing Yoongi’s heart when he was fourteen and when he was seventeen, so the comparison must be about his heart.
The appearance of the story is beautiful with a good choice of font and font color.
What a good plot it is! The depiction of the relationship of Yoongi and Wonhye is very realistic and touching. Even though the plot jumped to the part where Wonhye got married to Seokjin, it did not feel forced at all. The analogy of the stars is also amazing and beautiful. The last part manages to create a very sad and heartbreaking moment. It is a very touching story overall.
Your details are great. You are able to describe each scene realistically and are able to bring readers into the story. The settings, the actions, the characters are all described in a detailed way so as to enhance their existence.
Past form and present form tenses are sometimes used together in one sentence in the story. The story is written as an event in the past, but sometimes present tenses appear in it.
Revised Version: He shoved the ridiculous idea far, far away and had it locked inside a safe inside his head. He could not be in love with Tae Wonhye.
Original Version: He simply can’t
Revised Version: He simply could not.
Original Version: Unlike the other boys, Yoongi have no urge or whatsoever to pull on it. From his observations, girls tend to cry or...
Revised Version: Unlike the other boys, Yoongi had no urge or whatsoever to pull on it. From his observations, girls tended to cry or...
Revised Version: It would only take him three words with intimate meaning to ruin the friendship they had built for nearly eleven years.
Original Version: There was a place, covered by thick trees, that will lead you to the other side of the hill where you can see the vast sky and the town underneath.
Revised Version: There was a place, covered by thick trees that would lead you to the other side of the hill where you could see the vast sky and the town underneath.
In the dialogue, I suppose Wonhye still loves the stars. If she still loves them, the word ‘love’ should be in present form, if she doesn’t, then it will be in past form.
Suggested Version: “Sure, they’re plasma or whatever they are really called. But that’s not why I love them. Maybe I love them because I believe that every star sacrifices itself, to become atoms, to become human.”
Those are just some of the examples I can show you.
2. Original Version: During the seventh grade, due to Wonhye’s incessant nagging and convincing words...
Revised Version: During seventh grade, due to Wonhye’s incessant nagging and convincing words
The level of Yoongi’s education is considered as a general thing, so the use of article ‘the’ can be omitted.
Revised Version: there was not any frozen yoghurt parlour opened for service during this ungodly hour.
The flow is nice and not abrupt. Even though the story does jump directly into the part where Wonhye got married, the transition is quite smooth. There could have been more scenes before that one to make it even smoother, but seeing as it is a one-shot, it is understandable.
I really do enjoy the story, from the very first till the end. The late night out is just amazing. However, I would suggest you to get a beta-reader to check your grammar and structures so as to avoid minor mistakes. Great piece of art! Keep writing beautiful stories!
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