It has been days since that dreadful night. What seems a date to set things straight turned into a night of misery due to a Series of unfortunate events. It's not waking up on the right side of the wrong bed. I never felt so much disgust of myself ever before. I don't know who I am or what I am anymore. I don't have self-esteem or dignity left. What bothers me most is I have to be responsible for her regardless I was aware or under influence. You can't just have with anyone and just leave her like a piece of tissue you discard after using. Who knows with that night she might be pregnant. The only way to know for sure is to wait for a month and asked if she has gotten her period or not. What's done is done, we just need to deal with its after effects.

 

I have looked on the bright side:

A) I couldn't remember what happened that night after the main course (but the thoughts of it being imagined in my brain is enough for my gag reflex to turn up.)

 

B) I set Luhan straight before this happened and I have more reason to stay away from him (I know it's hard but it is a start?)

 

C) I'll be the straight guy who has a girlfriend that is pretty and talented.

(No society will ever judge me.)

 

But the only thing I really find comforting is the last optimistic benefit. The first and the second are lies. The first drills curiosity on how did it happen and why did I let it happen ache my mind, and breaks my train of thought and composure. The second is the road to loneliness. At first I was just asking space from him to figure out things, then I somehow betrayed him by hooking with a girl I just met, and now I need to be responsible for what I've done. What if he's mad at me and will never forgive me. I know we aren't in a relationship except friends but I still love him. The more I admit it to myself that harder it is for me to move on but if I don't admit it to myself something is lacking from my being and that gives more weight to what I'm feeling currently. It's a no-win situation. The third one is the only rational benefit I could think of, I wouldn't have to explain it to my brother or my friends. I am free from criticism and discrimination but I feel like a coward and caged like a bird just by thinking of the thought of it. So it will always be the same except for Luhan. He doesn't even care or take interest  at me before, so why would he do now. We're just friends. And it's all my freaking fault. We could have been friends with benefits? Urgh!!! So stupid. 

 

It's been a few days since I saw Luhan. He always seem happy hanging out with Jessica and sehun in their cool kids table. Kai is busy during lunch taking up refreshers and make-up classes. I would know since Chanyeol is also taking them. I hang out with Kris and Chen at our table, ever since that night I haven't asked DO to make me food. I barely eat them anyways so why waste it but today DO made me a bento good for 4 persons. He was inspired to cook Japanese after watching Spirited Away on blu-ray last night and made plenty of shrimp tempura, chicken teriyaki, and rice cakes. At least I know Chen would love them.

 

"Baekie, you know I'm allergic to shrimps right? Are you mad at me?" Chen said distastefully as he tried to poke the shrimp's tail motioning it like it was actually swimming.

 

"Yah! Chen don't play with food. You're parents gave you lunch money right? So buy your own food instead of leeching of baekie." Kris said while tried to get his 2nd tempura.

 

"Sorry, Chen. It was DO who prepared this. It's his Japanese craze phase again. You can have my chicken teriyaki  if you want I'm not that hungry." I said. I haven't touched it yet but I'm not really hungry. Seeing luhan laughing from a far saddens me and thinking of him made me lose my appetite. You can't really have it all. I want to be near him but I can't. I did something that even I couldn't forgive myself. 

 

"Don't tolerate this beggar. He will take advantage of you. And please eat something you're already skinny to pass as a Victoria secret model." Kris said while eating another tempura.

 

"You just like shrimps a lot Kris and that you don't want me to share it with me." Chen pouted.

 

"You're allergic to shrimps! By all means eat and don't expect me to help you if you'll have an allergic reaction. Happy dying." Kris said while looking at me. "And you, mr. Byun please eat. Remember there are a lot of kids starving in the world. So eat something." Kris added while he forked another tempura.

 

"I'm not really hungry. I had a heavy breakfast earlier." I lied. Actually it was heavy drama. I kept replaying Luhan's voice from his solo a few months ago which I even made my ringtone and cry to it. Shallow but true. When I can't cry hard enough or anymore I fix myself to look presentable. From devastated to just didn't get enough sleep last night.

 

"As if he would eat something all the children in the world would be suddenly be full." Chen murmured which Kris instinctively react by spanking.

 

"What was that for?" Chen protest, touching the spot where Kris huge hands smacked.

 

"I heard that. Baekie, if you're not gonna eat that, better give it to Chen so that he would shut up." Kris annoyed, forking the tempura now even harsher.

 

"He's just cranky baekie because Jessica still giving him cold treatment coz he messed up their date last time." Chen then stand up and leave sensing he just unleashed a bomb and didn't want to wait for the counterattack. Kris hesitated to chase him and decided to let him sprint since he's not worth the effort. 

 

"So baekie, I heard you're dating Taeyeon. Is this true?" Kris asked giving me a knowing glance.

 

"I guess. I'm not really... Never mind." I said as I tried eating one of the large tempura and dip it in honey-lemon mayonnaise dressing. Why does everyone keep making it a big deal? She's just a girl with a big ego. I am making my best to avoid-ignore her.

 

After lunch, calculus is freaking hard. Are they making us astrophysicist? I gave up. Only luhan seems to understand this subject. He got an A+ last time. Genius. I just keep on jutting down the notes written on the board. Oh, the fun you have in math. Can we just go back to the good old useful stuff like addition, subtraction, multiplication and division? It's not as if you calculus in your everyday life like shopping, you can't say to pay for this item the matrix of this cotton shirt is directly proportional to its price. I don't even know calculus anymore.

 

Chemistry, I wish me and luhan had that thing not just the subject we shared. It was kinda hopeful for us to work again. The teacher keeps on lecturing about covalent bonds and stuff. I do get it since it is not that hard. After chemistry class our teacher gave us a group assignment. We need to create a case study about the uses if chemical compounds in our daily lives. We need to do it in pairs. I happen to be paired up with luhan since I was the one who grab his hand and raised it together. I don't know what spirit possessed me and did that. I was shocked even when I realized that my hand and his is in the air when the teacher asked if who'll be the pairs for the assignment. This is just great. And it needs to be passed next meeting since it is not that hard. 

 

"Baek, I think we should do it tonight. I have practice with soccer tomorrow and the next day so I will be too busy after that." Luhan looked at me and fixed his things. He'll be exempted in music class since they'll have a soccer meeting he informed earlier.

 

"I see. Okay, so just be at my hiuse after the soccer meeting. Around 6pm? Have dinner with us so that we can work more on the assignment." I said smiling since I just realized I'll have luhan for myself the whole night. I am loving chemistry more.

 

"Alright. I'll call you okay. Why not do it in our house this time? I think my mom would be home so I guess I need to accompany her." Luhan suggested. " but if she's not home, let's do it at your house." Luhan added then he left headed for the gym lockers. 

 

He's always driven and passionate for soccer. Seriously. He looks great in his soccer uniform. I guess that's why he has lots of fan girls peeking on his well toned thighs and sometimes on his bulge. True story. I was tempted to watch him practice today but I chose not to since I'll be seeing him tonight. As if seeing his strawberry blonde hair waves in the field isn't enough to cause serious heart flips. 

 

I am excited for tonight that I cannot think straight. I skipped music class and went to the mall to buy new clothes. This is not a date I remind myself but this is the closest I could get. I need to look prim and proper if ever Luhan introduces me to his mother. It's like meeting the parents I said to myself if we will do it in their house. Do it in their house, I smiled. I'm not that dirty minded but sometimes my humor is off.

 

Luhan left a message said we can do it on our house. I feel kinda sad since I was expecting to meet his mother but that could be for another time when Luhan introduces me as his boyfriend. I am delusional but can't blame me for hoping right?

 

It's already 6pm and I am expecting to see luhan in a couple of minutes. I am already wearing my new Oxford shirt from Chanel, pants from Armani and my new ferragamo black boots. I already bathe my self with the new polo sport scent and asked DO to prepare a sumptuous meal since I am expecting company. Suho will not be joining us for dinner since he has a client meeting. 

 

The door bell rings and I open it. I am not expecting that person to show up. Why now? I guess I'll be sharing luhan tonight. I got to give credit to that person's inexplicable timing.  -__- hooray!