9.

"Come in, sit down," Dr. Choi gestures to her couch in her tiny office. The scent of lavender from Dr. Choi's perfume greets my nose as I amble past her and sit down.  She follows my actions and pulls up a chair across from me.

"Thanks for being able to come in earlier than planned. We weren't supposed to meet for a week, right?" I hum in response.

"Well, my father is sick right now, so my mother wants me to take a trip to the countryside next week, so I had to push up all my appointments," she informs while reaching for her tan notepad.

"Hmm, enough about me. So during our last session, you had the dream about your parents. Did the dream happen again?"

I exhale and stare back at her for a moment, before reaching into my bag to pull out my notepad and marker.

"Yeah. Last night."

"Okay, what happened in this one? Can you describe it to me?"

"It was the accident."

"Can you expand on this? What part of the accident?"

"Everything...from me whining in the car...the accident...my parents' bodies...everything."

Dr. Choi hums and writes notes down on her notepad. Instinctively, my head dropped, causing my hair to cascade down, slightly blocking the sight of my black jeans.

"Aya.. I want to you to answer me honestly ... Do you ... still think the accident was your fault?"

"Yes."

Dr. Choi sets the notepad aside and leans forward, reaching for my hand.

"You have to forgive yourself. You must know that. I'll say this again, like I did in our previous sessions, 'This accident was not your fault.'" I pull my hand away and begin to write.

"But I should've kept quiet... If I didn't complain that I had to use the bathroom, all of it wouldn't have happened... they will be still alive today."

"You did anything a girl your age. That's the time where you would complain and whine because you were a child. You can't keep blaming yourself for this. You cannot properly grieve and move on from this, if you don't forgive yourself."

"..do I deserve to be forgiven?"

"You do. Aya, you're a twenty-two year old woman, whose spent the past twelve years blaming yourself for your parent's death. You've tortured yourself enough. You must heal."

---------

My hands reach for the first maroon button on my jacket and I quickly it.

It's nearly March... I guess it's already getting warmer.

I make my way down the street towards the cafe. Five minutes later, my right hand reaches for the door handle and the bells chine, signalling my entrance. Won glances up from the customer he is serving and nods in my direction. I respond with a small smile and I lower my head as I proceed to the back room. I pull the curtain to the side and Grandpa brushes past me, carrying a bag of coffee beans. 

"Oh Aya, you came? Just in time for your afternoon shift," Grandpa smiles.

Avoiding his gaze, I softly hum and proceed to my locker. I and take off my coat and hang it up, before pulling out my apron and classic black Converses. As I pull of my boots, I can feel Grandpa's gaze burning at the back my neck.

"Aya, you okay?"

Pulling my hair tie off my wrist, I put my hair up in a sloppy bun. I pause before looking over my shoulder, and I reply with a smile.

"You had me worried a little. Well its good you're fine. We need you to help Won on the floor. Those ladies got him again," Grandpa chuckles to himself, before disappearing on the other side of the curtain.

I sigh to myself before finishing up and walking back into the cafe. Behind the counter, I reach for an empty tray, from a stack against the wall, and a clean washcloth. I tuck the wash cloth in my apron. With the tray, I head over to the nearest dirty table and begin cleaning.

"You can't keep blaming yourself for this. You cannot properly grieve and move on from this, if you don't forgive yourself." Dr. Choi's words replay in my head. I begin to chew my on my lip and scrub the table harder...

But I can't forgive myself..

And harder.

They didn't deserve to die like that..

And harder.

"You've tortured yourself enough. You must heal."

I don't know if I can...

My mother's arm came into view, dangling alongside her, with her blood streaming down, creating their own paths towards her fingers. 

A tap on my shoulder yanks me out of my thoughts. I turn around to see Won.

"I'm pretty sure that table's clea- Are you crying?" Won whispers. My hand immediately goes to my cheeks.

Wet.

I quickly shake my head and wipe my tears away. I bend over to pick up the tray of dirty dishes and briskly walk to the kitchen. I drop the tray in the sink and crouch on the ground.

Breathe.. Aya...you can do this...

After taking a deep breath, I stand up and wipe the rest of the tears from my eyes. The black curtain flies to the side and in walks Won.

"Are you okay? You scared me back there." He grabs my arms and inspects my face. I try to smile and pull out my notepad.

"Sorry about that. I'm okay. I think I was staring too hard at the dirty spot on the table and my eyes began to water.. and then you scared me. I'm okay though."

"You sure?" He says with his eyebrow raised. "You know you can tell me anything."

"Yeah I know. I'm good.. So I meant to congratulate you on your 10,000 followers on Instagram."

"You saw that? I know you're trying to change the subject, but it'll work for now. But yeah, I'm a little proud," he beams.

------

"Here try this on, we won't leave this place unless you try something on," Won exclaims handing me a periwinkle and white dress. I squint my eyes at him, snatch the clothes from his hand, and walk into the dressing room.

"It'll look great on you. Trust me!"

After work, Won decided that, in order to cheer me up, he was going to take me to the mall to go shopping. "Shopping makes anyone feel better. It's a well known fact," he claims, but so far we haven't bought anything because everything he suggests I don't like.

Oh Won...

I put on the dress and look at myself through the mirror.

Huh.. I actually look nice.

"You done?" Won calls out.

I exit the dressing room and walk toward him.

"Woah.. I told you! Get it.. If you don't, I will buy it for you!"

Out of nowhere, girls begin to scream around the store, some while running towards the front of the store. Won nudges the girl near him.

"Do you know what's happening?"

"EXO! Don't you know? They're here! HERE! On the Celebrity Star Date show... I have to get a picture of Kai," she screams and runs off towards the crowd.

EXO?... Why does that sound familiar?

"Ugh those idols.. Can't stand them..I don't understand the hype. I look better than them," Won mutters fixing his hair.

Wait... Isn't that Minseok's group?

I make my way closer to the crowd..

Just to see if he's there...

"Hey, where are you going? Without your shoes?" Won yells from behind. The crowd begins to move closer in my direction and I try to peek over shoulders to get a good look. I notice that there is a clear spot from behind the crowd, so I weave through the shop to get there. Eight bodies are facing towards the crowd, a camera, and a commentator, who's currently talking to the crowd and the camera. The commentator asks EXO a question, which causes the fans to scream louder and the boys begin to look for someone in the crowd. One looks in my direction.

Minseok.

He looks so different in those clothes and with that make up on. 

He stares at me with his mouth ajar and a sudden rush of embarrassment floods through my body. I couldn't help but to stare back.

"Xiumin-ssi, did you find someone?" The commentator questions, causing Minseok to whip his head back towards the camera.

"Ahh.. yes," he quickly replies, pulling a random fan from the crowd in front of them. She squeals and covers her red face.

"Dude, where did you go?" Won grabs my arm from the side. My eyes still on Minseok and the fan. His eyes quickly glance at me before looking back at the fan.

What was that?

"I've been looking for you. Let's buy this dress and go. The noise is giving me a headache," Won yells over the noise, pulling me back to the dressing room. I nod at Won in response.

Author's Note:

Sorry, I meant to post this sooner, but for some reason this was a little hard to write. It just wouldn't come out of me.. eh.. why does it sound like constipation? lololol

Anywhoooo.. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Stop. T~T
 

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