Recklessness

In the end I didn't call him. I told myself that I was too scared and too nervous to press the call button and talk to him. What would I even say anyways? How can I even start explaining everything to him without him hanging up on me. At some point, I looked at the options, and I knew he was going to answer me, but then he'll want to drop the subject once we talk about the past. In the end, I know he'd say that I should just forget about him.

That night, I couldn't sleep again, so like always I decided to go outside. I dressed myself, in jeans, suede flats, a shirt top with a brown blazer. I put my scarf on once I was out of the building. I needed to clear my head, or else on of these days I might explode and combust all the feelings I have coped up inside. Even days of staying inside got me viewing things negatively.. Mrs. Han was right, I needed some fresh air.

Then something caught my eye. As I stared from the other side, it looked like it was pulling me in, my mind tempting me to go. I mechanically walked towards it, suddenly feeling a little nervous for letting my thoughts win over my common sense. Never in my whole life have I ever done something so reckless, and it does count that I have to start now. I knew this was potentially dangerous, but the thought of it going in the first time excited me. I laughed little, I'm almost 20 years old and I still feel that its illegal for me to go inside the tent.

As I stared from the outside, the ahjumma who was serving was giving me a smile, telling me to come in.

I forced out a smile and slowly walked in inside. Well I'm here anyways, might as well give it a try. As I settled myself on one of the tables, the ahjumma followed closely by.

"So what do you want to order miss?" She asked gently.

"Um.." I said sheepishly. I was new anyways, so I didn't know what to drink nor eat that this type of place.

"How about I get you a bottle of soju and some boodae jjigae, ne?"

I nodded, "Sure, let's go with that. Thank you." I bowed.

As she left, I placed my bag on sit beside me and laid my phone on the table. I turned it on and looked at the time, 11:00 in the evening. I fondled it a bit, checking for any new messages or calls, but I only saw Hara's name on the screen. Ever since they left earlier, she'd been texting me a lot, asking me if I already called him, badgering me that I SHOULD CALL HIM WHEN I HAVEN'T YET. I groaned, "If only you knew how much of a chicken your cousin is."

After a few minutes, ahjumma came with a tray in hand. She put my order on the table. "Thank you."

"Ne ne, enjoy miss."

I poured myself a cup, and my face distorted a little when I tasted my first shot. I took one of the sausages and my stomach squirmed for delight. It's been days since my stomach had a proper meal, I thought.

I drank another cup and stared at my phone again. I can never have the courage to call him, can't I? I took a bite on one of the sausages again and continued to stare at my phone again.

I sighed, *gulped* *eat* I stared at his number, my thumb on the call button.

*eat* *gulped* Maybe I should call him, I thought. Drinking another shot to boost my confidence, I was about to press it when my thumb froze. I frowned, Maybe not.

*gulped* If I do call him, how can I even start? I can't just tell him to get back together with me. Explaining isn't that easy.

*gulped* *eat* PABO-YA YOONA! JUST CALL HIM ALREADY! WHAT DO YOU GOT TO LOSE!!

I was gonna pressed the call button, but again, as always, the fear resurfaced, *gulped* *gulped*

He's gonna hang up on me anyways, or worse, won't get back together with me, I frowned at that thought. *gulped* gulped*

For hours I sat there with my thought completely splited in half, debating if I should pick up the phone and call him. When I finished my first bottle, I felt my head started getting dizzy. But it didn't stop me from ordering my second bottle and the third.. and the rest is history. I knew the drinking has to stop, but it seemed like my body was deattached from my thoughts, instead I clumsily poured myself another drink.

Then my eyes started dropping, the dizziness even worsen. Next thing I knew, I was there, my head was on the table, I was crying and calling out for Tae Min. I wanted to stop, that it was an embarrassment, but I can't help how my emotions are starting to pour out again. Maybe they were right, maybe alcohol can overcome your sadness.

I didn't know when, but then I started feeling tired from all the crying and yelling, my eyes just closed. Though I went in and out of consciousness, the only thing I can remember that night is a pair of hands dragging my arm, and the embrace of someone holding me close.

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