--

I'm scared.
Scared because something is wrong with Key, but I don't know what.
He's sleeping now, soot coloured lashes brushing lightly over ivory skin, and he looks beautiful. Relaxed, for the first time in weeks. 
Kibum has always been emotional, but I think today has been the first time I've seen him cry due to physical pain. Whimpering, sobbing, obviously suppressed but obviously so painful. Key cries, yes. But he never cries like that. 

And then he threw up. God, did he throw up. 
Gastric juices and water, nothing solid. He must have been hungry.
So hungry, yet he didn't eat.

Was he punishing himself? Was it because he hadn't sung well earlier?
I know he felt bad about it, but not this bad.
And now I'm wishing that I could have offered him more, more comfort, instead of just a stupid hug.
I should've stayed by his side, figured out what was wrong. Instead of letting him wallow in his own misery like that.
I just missed a chance to find out what has been bothering my Key.
I don't know what it is, I need to know what it is.
--
Watching the numbers go down the scale has become another addiction.
My weight isn't decreasing as fast as I'd like it to, but it's going down, at least.

50.1 kg.

Huge, too huge, but improved.

I'm not too sure why weight is so different. Examination scores, money, the larger the number, the better, right? Why couldn't it be the same for weight? That would have been so much easier.

You're just saying that because you aren't strong enough to lower your weight further.

No, no, that's not true, I'm strong enough, disciplined enough. Shut up, I'm completely in control.

Shut up? But I'm a part of you. Think I'm  disgusting? Annoying? That's because you are, too. And still fat.

...I know.

I know I'm annoying, disgusting. Irritating. I've become more awkward around my members lately, shying away from hugs, excusing myself from mealtimes early, sitting in the backseat of the car by myself. No one has noticed. Or rather, they probably have but they don't care, they don't mind.

Because who's going to wish to hug fat, ugly, Kibum? Who would want to spend time with him? Who in their right mind would wish to sit next to him when he takes up so much space? 

I can't wait, can't wait to finally become slender enough to be loved, to be wanted.

Because right now no one wants me, not even myself.

"Key? Hey, are you feeling better?"

I don't know what to say, I avoided Jonghyun hyung this morning, shifted away from him in the car. I didn't want to sit beside him, didn't want to talk about last night. I had been barely conscious, I have no idea what I did or how I looked. I didn't want awkward, prying questions. No one needs to know.

"I'm okay."

"Are you sure? You look rather pale, you know. Do you want anything to eat?"

God, no.

So I look pale. I look disgusting, and Jonghyun has noticed. 
I look like I want something to eat? So I look hungry, no wonder, I always will look like someone who eats a lot, won't I? Being so fat and all.

"No thanks, hyung. I'm not hungry."

"You said that this morning, too. You should eat more, you've lost weight. You're becoming a stick."

I've lost weight, but not nearly enough. Far from it.
More, I need to lose more.

a/n: I've tried to put headings for the different points of view but they always seem to disappear, and so do my italics.