I walked from my lounge room and into the bedroom, shutting the door. Staggering towards our bed, I slumped onto it and grabbed onto Yongguk’s pillow. I clutched it to my chest and just lay there, starring silently at the wall. After a small hassle outside, I finally heard the door shut and hoped that everyone had gone home. 

I heard my bedroom door open and I looked up from the bed, wiping my few stray tears away roughly with the back of my hand. I looked and saw that Daehyun was frowning at my crying figure. He hesitantly stepped into my bedroom, looking at me to see if it was okay for him to go in further. I nodded and scooted over as he settled himself next to me on the bed. 

“You didn’t have to do that.” he sighed. “You’re hurting and I know way better than to force you into something as big as marriage.” 

“It just…” I choked up on the tears that were beginning to come back. “I’m just so hurt that, that I don’t want to hurt anymore. I can’t handle the pain anymore.” 

Daehyun nodded and I also see him swallow hard, like he was also hurting. He then brought an arm around my shaking frame and hugged me close. I didn’t care if I was crossing boundaries, I also didn’t care if it was giving him false hope but I became selfish for a second and let myself fall into Daehyun’s arms.

“But we don’t have to rush into this.” Daehyun whispered. “I know full well that you have no feelings for me. Don’t force yourself into something that you’re going to regret.” 

I remembered reading somewhere once that if within forty-eight hours of a missing and the person is not found, there was a very high chance that the person has died or very likely not to return. Was Yongguk really dead? I couldn’t help but ask that question. 

“Daehyun, I want you to answer me truthfully.” I breathed. “It’s been nearly three months, what are the chances of finding Yongguk?” 

Daehyun’s rubbing on my shoulder suddenly stopped and I felt him physically tense up. The body language was definitely something negative. 

“Daehyun, tell me.” I whispered. 

“I’m sorry.” he said back. 

“What are the chances?” I said. “Daehyun, I need to know.” 

“Close to no chances at all.” he swallowed. “It’s been abnormally long and I don’t think we’ll find him any time soon. But like I promised you, I’ll contin-“

“Daehyun, it’s okay.” I said over the top of him. “If he’s gone, I’ll accept it. But I hope you’ll understand that three years of love won’t be erased in a number of months.” 

I wasn’t moving on. I knew that I couldn’t. It was probably a fact that it was impossible, but I needed to reassure the people around me. But most of all, I needed to lie and reassure to myself that I would be alright. The aching pain was still so distinct but I wanted to heal. It was sort of like when you’re injured and it hurts so bad that you just want it to heal. 

__________________

“Honey, you have to smile.” my mom clapped as I stood in front of the very large mirror in the wedding dress store. 

Starring at the reflection that stared back at me and had to admit that the white dress was stunning. It was a dress that any girl would have wanted for her life changing even, just not me. Sure, the event was super life changing but it wasn’t the change that I wanted. 

On the way to the dress store, my mom and I had an argument. I suddenly snapped out of my lethargic state and realized that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t marry Daehyun. It was wrong for him and wrong for me. 

“Mom, please.” I pleaded to her while she was driving. “I can’t.”

“If it’s because of that street gang bastard, I don’t care.” she said almost certain that it was about Yongguk. “I’m going to make you forget him and I’m going to make you regret ever meeting him.” 

I clenched my jaw and gripped onto my seat. I wanted to let out a snide remark or something rude that was so bad, that my mom would kick me out of the car but with my mind running so many thoughts at one time, I couldn’t come up with anything. 

“I didn’t think so.” mom scoffed. “You’re doing yourself a favor by marrying Daehyun.” 

As my eyes scanned my reflection in the mirror, my eyes landed on the scar that the bullet wound left. It was a dark brown circle on my upper arm, just underneath my shoulder. It was specially distinct since my skin was so light, compared to the dark patch.  But I was very fond of it. It reminded me of Yongguk. 

After my mom dropped me home, I wanted to do something that would hit her right in the gut. As childish as it sounded, it was my little way of rebelling. I stood outside of my apartment at the door as the wind blew my hair wild. Then slowly, I turned my heel and walked towards the salons. About an hour later, I was at my apartment door again, unlocking it to walk inside. 

I immediately walked into my bedroom and stopped in front of my dressing table. I looked at my reflection and laughed a bit. It wasn’t as rebellious as I expected to be but my used to be lower back length hair was up to the bottom of my chin. 

I felt inside my pocket for my phone and toke a photo sending it to Daehyun. 

“What do you think?” I texted. 

Daehyun and I were getting very close and I enjoyed that. He was a very supportive friend and I was so grateful that he was around. But just because I enjoyed his company, it didn’t mean that I wanted to marry him. Unfortunately in my mom’s books, that was what it meant. 

“Your mom is going to flip :D You look beautiful.” he replied. 

Late at night, when Daehyun finished work he dropped by to have some dinner with me. Since it was the middle of winter, we had a warm dinner and enjoyed each other’s company. 

“You know your mom is going to kill you, right?” Daehyun laughed as we cleaned up the dishes. 

“That was the point.” I chuckled.