“Tell me something, Yongguk.” I said, my backing laying against his chest, as we sat on the couch together, watching T.V.

The smell of alcohol and Yongguk’s many cigarettes lingered in our apartment and it was a smell that I’ve gotten so used to. The scent of the night was also present. The scent of damp air, since it’s been raining all day. Feeling Yongguk’s chest fall and rise against my back, I bit back a small smile.

“Hmm?” he hummed a reply. 

“Do you ever regret doing what you do now?” I said softly, trying not to make the question too harsh. 

I felt Yongguk shift behind me, pushing me gently off of him and turning so that he was facing me. I looked up at him from under lashes and tried reading his expression. I was so focused on his face that the T.V’s chattering became so faint and distant. 

“Why do you ask?” he said, reaching for my hand. “Do you regret being with me?”

My eyes widened and I quickly justified myself. 

“No.” I said quickly. “Never. I just want to know-”

Yongguk let out a chuckle and pulled me close to him. I followed and leaned my head against his chest. Yongguk wrapped his other arm around my shoulder and began playing with my hair. I shivered as his finger grazed each strand of hair. 

“I’m joking, baby.” he said softly. 

“So do you?” I asked again.

After a long pause, he finally opened his mouth to answer me. 

“I think that I regret it everyday as soon as I get up.” he sighed. “I’m not proud of it, but I guess that’s what I have to do to keep a roof over our heads and supply you with everything you need.” 

I bit my lip and frowned, although he couldn’t see me. If only I didn’t move in with him then he wouldn’t have had to get tangled in this mess. It was bad enough that he was dealing drugs but to also support me, he had to... kill. 

“Then how about I get a job?” I said, pulling away from him so that I was sitting right in front of him. “I’ll get a part time job so you don’t have to kill people.” 

I only whispered the last part. I never wanted to stab deeper into his wound. I never wanted to hurt him. That was the last thing that I wanted to do. 

“You, missy, focus on college, please.” he said, poking softly at my nose. “All you need to do now is study.” 

I leaned my head back against his chest and circled my arms around his waist. I squeezed him tightly taking in his unique scent. The scent of his cologne fused with the light smell of cigarettes, that was Yongguk’s scent. I felt him bring an arm around my shoulder and hugged me closer to him. 

“I love you, Yongguk.” I whispered. “I love you so, so much.”

Although I said those words to him, I don’t think that it did my feelings any just. Because Yongguk meant the entire world to me. I love him until my insides hurt. I love him until it becomes difficult for me to breathe. I don’t care if he was a criminal or if he was a killer because at the end of the day, he’d still be him. The quiet, shy and humble him. 

“Don’t.” he said suddenly. “Don’t love me too much. I’m a douche.” 

“You’re not, Yongguk.” I sighed. “You’re you. You’re smart, you’re-”

“I kill people that I don’t even know.” he said over the top of me. 

My breath hitched in my throat and I tried swallowing the lump that had just formed there. It really did pain me when he spoke so ill of himself. Because ever since I knew Yongguk, he had always despised himself. 

I sat up and turned to him, placing one hand on his cheek. I felt Yongguk lean into my touch slightly and I let my thumb caress his cheekbones. My gaze fell to his lip and examined them. They’ve began to go a slight purple, turning darker. He really needed to lay off those cigarettes. Slowly I leaned in and placed a small peck against his already plumped lips. 

“I will love you, no matter what.” I said. “Start learning to love yourself.” 

“How did you get stuck to a douche like me?” he sighed, curling a strand of hair behind my ear.  

I smacked his shoulder gently, but with enough force for him to know that I wasn’t happy. 

“What did I just say?” I said, my brows furrowing. 

Yongguk chuckled and cupped the back of my neck, pulling me in, bringing me face to face with him. Slowly he dipped his head down, planting his puckered lips onto mine. He was always gentle. I placed my hands firmly against his chest and responded to his kiss. I felt his lips mould with mine and I trailed my hands from his chest to circle around his neck.  Suddenly a rapid knocking on our door made us pull apart. 

“Wait here.” he whispered.

We untangled our limbs from each other and Yongguk pushed himself off the couch and walked quickly to the door. Placing his hands the on the door knob but not opening it, he pressed his ear against the door.

“Who is it?” he said loudly in he husky voice.  

“Yongguk, open the ing door.” I heard a voice say. 

I unconsciously gulped at the mere sound of the voice. It was maybe as deep as Yongguk’s but it wasn’t near as warm.  Sounding like a sneer, sounding aggressive. I didn’t want Yongguk to have anything to do with it. I had a feeling that this person wasn’t nice. I reached for the remote control and turned the T.V. off, seeing that my hands were trembling without a reason why. 

“Babe.” a voice said behind me.

I jumped a bit in shock. 

“Go inside the bedroom and close the door.” Yongguk said quickly and as loud as a mere whisper. “I’ll come in when I’m done.” 

I looked at him with concerned eyes, hoping that my message would get across to him. I wanted him to be careful. I wanted him to be cautious. But I found my feet dragging my body towards the bedroom right after Yongguk sent me and encouraging nod.

I wandered aimlessly around the bedroom, finally stopping in front of the bed and plunking myself down, waiting for everything to be over. Absentmindedly, I began fiddling with the couple ring on my middle finger. Pulling it off and slipping it back on, trying to make time pass. But with the slip of a finger, the ring was out of my grasp and it was almost immediately followed by a clank. 

Gasping, I searched around the floor for it. Panic creeped through my chest when I couldn’t find it. Getting up off the bed, I quickly got on my knees and crouched down to the ground, looking for the ring. A shimmering light caught my sight under our bed and I sighed in relief when I had found the ring. But next to the ring was a shoe box. A shoe box that I never remembered having.  

Slipping the ring quickly back onto my middle finger, I then pulled the show box out from under the bed and dusted it off roughly. Opening the lid, I froze at the items that were inside the shoe box. Inside the box was approximately three handheld guns. Obviously, these were Yongguk’s and I shouldn’t have been looking through them, but I couldn’t help myself. 

Reaching a hand out to touch it, I whimpered as my hand touched the cold metal. Were there the guns that he used to kill? I found myself wondering. In a daze, I felt as though everything had become so faint and I was somewhere else. I knew Yongguk was a hit man, but why was I so surprised to find guns stashed away in our house? 

“Babe?” Yongguk’s voice brought me back and I was slightly startled, immediately closing the lid. 

I quickly stood up, trying to find something to say. 

“I didn’t, I- um...” I stuttered, too shocked for words. 

I looked into his eyes and saw the fear that had suddenly struck them. It seemed as if he had as many questions running through his head as I did. My fingers were trembling and I found that I was playing with my fingers, a habit I had. 

“How did you find that box?” Yongguk broke the silence first. 

“I.” I started. “I dropped my ring. I-I dropped it under the bed. S-sorry.”

I pushed past him and out of the bedroom. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t face him. I wasn’t mad and I wasn’t frustrated but I just couldn’t look at him. Making my way into the kitchen, I tried grabbing a glass of water to calm myself down. Suddenly I felt a slight grip on my wrist, spinning me back around. 

“Babe.” he whispered. “Are you mad at me?”

I adverted his gaze but shook my head. I wasn’t lying. I wasn’t the slightest bit mad at him, but I was surprised. I never imagined that we had weapons hidden in our house. I felt him place two fingers under my chin and lift my head up, making me look into his eyes. 

“I’m sorry.” he said. “I shouldn’t have hidden that from you. Babe, I’m sorry.” 

“I’m alright.” I said. “Don’t worry about me, we should head to bed. It’s getting late.” 

I gently pulled away from his grasp, feeling terrible about myself. He had already despised himself and his job and I was his only source of support, yet I go and look down on him for having weapons. How could I be so cruel to him? I stopped in my tracks and turned to him. 

“I don’t think you’re ready for this.” he whispered. “I should sleep on the couch tonight.”

“No, Yongguk-”

“We’ll talk in the morning.” he forced a smile. “Goodnight. Sleep well.”

Slowly he turned his back on me and disappeared into the living room. I sighed and didn’t know what to do. I then continued walking into the bedroom, walking right past the shoe box, I settled into bed, feeling the guilt envelope me completely.  

I tried to sleep, I really did try. But found myself about to drift to sleep, only to be woken up suddenly. Time ticked by but I couldn’t find sleep and I glanced at the clock, the time clearly reading nearly three in the morning. Sighing I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I settled things with Yongguk, so I threw the covers off myself and made my way out of the bedroom. Walking closer to the living room, I recognized the familiar smell of cigarette smoke lingering through the air. 

In the middle of the couch, I saw a bright orange spark light up. He was smoking again. 

“Yongguk?” I said, turning the lights on. “Aren’t you sleeping?” 

I watched as he puffed out a thick string of smoke and reached over to the ash tray to put the cigarette out. I made my way over and sat on the couch next to him, seeing him physically tense up. I looked and saw that he had a thick patterned woollen blanket draped across his legs. I tried to break the tension by reaching over and grabbing the blanket, also bringing across my legs. 

“Yongguk,” I said, placing a hand on his thigh. “I’m not mad at you. I promise that I’m not. It’s just that I never really expected for you to have guns in the house.” 

“I didn’t want to hide them from you.” he sighed. “I was scared that you’d think of me differently. I thought you would look at me-”

I didn’t want him to blabber on because everything he said was invalid to me. I flung my arms around his neck and brought him in close to me. I could never think of him differently because he was the person that I loved to death nothing could change that.  

“Nothing could make me think of you differently.” I whispered. 

“Damn it, I love you.” he grunted. “I know that I’m a horrible person but please, don’t ever leave me...”