{ tw; gore, blood. self harm +homophobic slurs. }

He hated these moments, standing in front of the mirror locking gaze with a hideous reflection that only served to remind him of his shame. He the faucet with shaky hands, letting the water run trough his fingers before reaching reaching up- hovering his fingertips over his forehead before rubbing roughly against the skin; watching as the already messy scribbling on his forehead slowly become even more unnoticeable- black marker mixed with water, or were those his tears?, sliding down his cheeks in the process. 
Uncontrollably he looked down at the small cuts on his arms and wrists, reaching with one hand in order to pick up the small razor, slowly dragging it across his skin and opening up a new cut on his forearm in the process. No tears this time, but he wanted to cry, to scream in anguish.

Slowly his hand holding the razor drifted to hover over his wrist. "Would this be the last time?” He thought to himself. His mind raged as he locked eyes with his reflection, totally consumed with a feeling of hopelessness… helplessness. 
Suddenly his hand relaxed and the blade slipped from his fingers, there was a noise coming from the outside of the bathroom; footsteps.

Alerted, he kneeled down on the ground, grabbing the razor blade and closing it with one swift movement. His hands were shaking, fingers trembling with the undeniable nerves of getting caught.

He was disgusting. And he didn't need others to know as well.

He stretched his bleeding arm to the counter, grabbing the towel he had pulled out (special for moments of self mourning and loathing ) wiping his arm with it roughly; a small hissing sound escaping his lips as the slice skin only teared up even further.

, it hurt.

He felt the tears gathering on his lashes as he squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the way the blood didn't seem to stop oozing out, causing his heart beat to increase in panic at what he had done to himself.

One breath, two breaths, three breaths...

"Jongin?"

He widened his eyes and cleared his throat, "Y-yes?"

"You've been there for nearly an hour- is everything okay..?" Came a muffled response from the other side of the door, he closed his eyes and nodded;nearly slapping himself because...it was obvious the other couldn't see him, yet...he just didn't trust his voice to answer.

"...Jongin?" Finally, letting out a raged breath, he stood up from the floor, his own blood staining the white of his school shirt, "...Yeah everything is fine, I will be out in a second."

He pulled off his trousers, rolling them and piling them into a little ball on the corner of the bathroom.

He rubbed at his eyes tiredly, cheeks burning in shame as his thumb hovered and slid swiftly over his facebook news feed.

Tons and tons of disgusting things being said about him by people that he thought were his friends.

' er.'

'Man ' 

''

'Go and do us all a favour and kill yourself, Kim Jongin... you are filthy'

Each one more and more colourful than the other, causing his chest to clench and his eyes to water.

He hadn't done anything.

"...Jongin...your father didn't mean what he said; he loves you."

He blocked his phone, letting it fall to the floor; watching as it broke into different pieces, the screen cracking and flickering with small images of the social networking website he was currently navigating. He didn't care, his heart was already broken.

He squeezed his eyes shut, the tears finally sliding down his cheeks because his father had meant what he said, and he knew it which only made everything hurt more.

The person who was meant to love him unconditionally was turning his back on him, was judging him for who he was.

His chest hurt and the bruise on his left eye was begining to sting more than before, he tasted blood on his lips as he over them, but non of that pain could compare to the one he was feeling inside.

Among all the self loathing and pitying a small light shone as he thought, because this wasn't all his fault, in fact this was all Luhan's fault.

Luhan and his pretty light brown eyes, with small flickers of amber in them.

Luhan with the long lashes and delicate lips, with the button nose and pale skin.

Luhan with the funny yet cute accent that somehow made him all the more loveable.

Luhan with ... Jongin paused, a choke sob escaping his lips as he unlocked the door, leaving his fingers wrapped around the door knob.

He could feel his vision becomimg blurry, almost as though he was falling asleep.

He felt sleepy.

He didn't know if it was because it was late or because the ammount of blood he had lost.

He didn't care either.

Luhan....he had lied.

And Jongin was the one who ended up suffering for it.