I haven't stopped thinking about it all Sunday long. (Mi Yeon) – I haven't stopped thinking about it all Sunday long. It turned in my mind like an old broken record. I have seen the images again, neat, of his eyes on me, of how deep their ebony reflections looked intense, of the words he have said to me, with a soft and hesitant voice, of my absurd reaction. Of our day together, talking like good old friends. Those stolen moments, when I was watching him and when I have felt his eyes on me when I shouldn't have seen it. Our closeness in the subway train, how I didn't want to move out. His back getting away and his face coming back. The new proposition, more tangible. My heart racing at the speed of light and the fear gripping my throat. Everything, exactly.

At night, I was thinking about it again. And so did I the next day. Ah Ri and Hae Bin all asked where I have spent my weekend, why they haven't had any news and I haven't dared telling them the truth. I have lied to my own best friends. I have told them I was locked up inside my room and one of the youth hostel's ajummas had proposed me to sleep on the floor in her room, I have said that my night had been so bad I had to catch up my sleep all Sunday afternoon. But the truth is I have spent my night with a boy who's haunting my mind now, that he gave his bed to me and he was the one sleeping on the floor, thatwe have spent the afternoon together and that he have set me upside down, not doing anything special for that. The truth is that I have spent my Sunday torturing myself to know what to answer to a simple question. A simple obsessive question.

The week has spent. Caught up in my everyday life, I almost forgot about the weekend's troubles. The dance trainings, the singing, TV & radio MCing lessons, pictures, stylism and beautician lessons. Sweating streams. Crumbling on your bed at night after swallowing a few vegetables and a soup. Being hungry, a terrible hunger, pulling your stomach and your senses. Waking up to steal food in the fridges with the girls, escaping with funk in my belly, but bursting out in laughters at the first suspicious sound. It had been the usual routine, yet disturbed in each moments of peace by thoughts coming back just like a scent in the nose. A smile, a laughter. Black eyes.

The completion date has came closer and I couldn't do anything against it showing the tip of its nose. I'm feeling as if I haven't had enough time to think about it. I know Jun In is going to want his answer but I still don't know what I could tell him, even if he is going to knock on my door at any moment. I should be worrying about my decision but panic is taking over me. The more I think about it the less I know.

I never would have thought it would be so complicated. I have expected this moment, as sure as I have expected to step for the first time on a stage. I have hoped it would happen one day. When it arrived, I had the feeling it was the wrong moment... Good choice but wrong time. I'm on the verge of seeing my biggest dream come true. And to lose another one, at the same time. I can't make up my minde because I can't get to convince myself that the two are compatible. But I don't want to lose one or the other one. It's as if I was about to jump from a chasm. As if I was asked wether I liked being happy or having everything I desire. This or that, never both, my little sweetheart. But why...?

I'm leaving my bed and turn off the button of my television. In a fraction of seconds, the screen stops moving and gets dark. I'm sighing breathly but I can't take off that weight on my chest. I'm looking at my cellphone and checks out what time is it. The only thing I have been able to do this moring was my laundry. I would rather do it here than in the HTS dormitories. The laundry room is co-ed and I have heard some male trainees liked to open the washing machins to see what type of underwears the girls have. Some boys are stupid when they are young.

My laundry might be almost finished. I can't start anything since I know I wouldn't be focused enough. My hands are wet and wiping it with handkerchiefs don't help. I'm more scared that I have been for my first audition.

I'm watching my face in the small mirror I have in my vanity case. It's such a relief to see that stress hasn't been taking over me too much. I only have put BB Cream, pink gloss on my lips and mascara on my lashes. I never makeup too much, I'm always feeling uneasy when they put those thick layers of powder on my cheeks for the shootings. And I don't think that style fits my face that's a little childish. I'm not looking like a woman for sure. At the same time, I'm not quite a woman yet, I am... a young girl. I have been able to smooth my hair to the tips. It's likely to curl and it gets me nervous. I'm so envious of Ah Ri's hair. It's thin, straight without an effort.

Being sure my general appearance didn't comfort me at all. I know I will be presentable once in front of him, but it doesn't help my decision. I hope the moment will come the latter possible so that the mechanics of my thoughts will cease rusting. Until then... I'm going to get my laundry back.

Just when I'm opening the door I'm meeting face to face with Jun In. His arms is suspended in the hair, so does his fist. Seeing me, he's lowering it slowly, trying a smile. But both of us are not persuasive... My mouth is dry, my belly hurts. He's all dressed in black once again. His hair is a little messy on purpose. He's cuter than he was in my memories and it's shaking me up even more.

We're both sheepish. Sheepish and clumsy. None of us really knows what to do, we even have skipped the usual good-manners habits. He's scratching the back of his head... Like always when I'm the prey of stress, I'm waddling on myself, my eyes to the ground.

"Were you... about to leave", he's finally asking me.

"I wasn't. I was going to get my laundry back in fact."

"Oh, I see. Can I come with you?"

"Alright", I answer, shrugging.

Don't panic, don't talk or do nonsense. Act normally. I'm making sure I've got my key - I almost forgot it when I was about to leave - and we're going through the corridors together, speechless. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, to say. I don't know if I should answer point blank, especially since I don't have the single idea of what it could be. I don't either know if I have to wait for his question again. His silence doesn't help.

He doesn't say a word, nothing at all. He walks me to the bathroom. I'm opening the washing machine. Someone calls him from the computer room, a blond Caucasian whom I can't see the face clearly. He apologies and goes to her. I don't know what they're talking about, I can't hear from where I am. But the opened door shows the rectangular window of the little room so much that I can see everything. It looks like they know each other. Jun In explains her something about the old computers. She's laughing. The computers here are full of virus and the connection is so bad it's impossible to go on the internet with it. If I want to send emails to my family, I'm obliged to go to the cybercafé on Sadang's main avenue. I don't like seeing this girl with Jun In.

Maybe that's why he doesn't say a thing. I don't live at the youth hostel during the weeks and I don't know what happens there. Maybe he have met another girl in between, maybe he have realized he liked American girls the best since they're easier to understand. And maybe he doesn't know how to tell me he has changed his mind. It almost makes me want to cry.

I'm taking back the rest of my laundry, leaving the bathroom with a basin under my arms, without further ado. He doesn't owe me anything after all. We're not even real friends. Still, there's a ball inside my stomach. Even if I don't know if wether I will say yes or no, I know something. My heart yearns to say yes and suffers from being unable to make up my mind.

To hang out the washing, you have to cross the shared living-room and push the French door giving access on the roof. There are two large clotheshorses and that's being lucky when the both are free like right now. I'm slipping my feet inside the shoes made to go on the terrace and don't wait to start doing what I should be doing. A shadow appears in front of me. Jun In is standing behind the French door.

"Hey, why didn't you wait for me?"

"I didn't want to bother you."

I keep on hanging out my washing, without a glance, avoiding getting my bras and in front of him. He's slipping his hand inside his hair, I can feel he's nervous. I'm scared of what he could be saying. I don't want him to speak, to say he's not really sure about us. Yet, I can't get to cut the torture short.

"Well... Did you think about it?"

Click. The peg is closing on a big stitches sweater, dropping on the floor. He haven't changed his mind and suddenly I don't know whether I should be happy or sad because obviously, it means he's expecting an answer from me and I still don't know what to say. There are many opposite polarities fighting inside me. My heart, my brain, my senses... The heart and the brain can't hardly connect the right informations together. It would be so simple to tell the truth, to explain why I'm not sure but I don't feel brave enough. I'm scared he would be hurt to learn I would be ready to sacrifice our link for my dream. Even if I'm sure anyone would hesitate as well.

"More or less", I answer, my words quavering.

"More or less..."

His voice is trailing on the lasts syllables. His eyes are weighing on my shoulders. His disorientation is almost as tangible as my tension. My gestures are hazy and I let one of my dresses fall on the floor. It's the one I was wearing last weekend, the night I have slept in his room. It sounds like a sign...

Jun In is looking beyond his shoulders, cursing low and leaves his sleepers to cross the door, wearing socks on the concrete. He's bending over, picking up my dress that he's putting back between my hands. Squattering together under the clotheshorse, we're looking like two kids playing hide and seek. Except we're playing with ourselves.

"There's something apparently bothering you. I don't know what is is... If you tell me, I'm sure it would be easier for me to understand."

That's now or never, I know. It's the golden mean to confess him why I'm not sure because along the week, my teachers assured me I had my chances in the choices of the chosen with the two sunbaes already taken (I don't know who they are. In HTS, even the trainees themselves don't know the name of the winners at the big celebrity lottery, to make sure no leaks could happen) and because being part of a band means no boyfriend in my agency. I know if I cheat right before I am chosen like others before me have done, I would never be one of the members the most exposed by the company.

I can't. I don't know if he would understand. And, I can't compromise myself. If it's true I can be chosen, even him doesn't have to know. The only one to know are my family and other trainees.

I'm playing with my dress between my hands and lowers my eyes to the floor. The sight of those grey socks on the raw concrete, with the little wisps embed inside almost makes me want to smile.

"The truth is that... No one ever really asked me such a thing until now..."

It's only an half-lie. Indeed, of the few boys I have known, none really asked me out. The one I'm regarding as my former boyfriend never asked anything since it have been very natural between us. We were in the same school, getting on well. One day, he has took my hand on the way home and after that, we had started to spend all our time together, going at the movies, at the restaurant, at the noraebangs, of course... We were holding hands, I was putting my head against his shoulder. Never more. It ended the same way, naturally, without a tear or a tell, when I left my little town to live in the big Seoul and to get the life I'm living right now.

But that's not why I'm disturbed.

Jun In is sighing, taking my hand. I'm startling from surprise and tumble on the concrete. We're both laughing. I'm feeling so stupid for having such reactions. His laugh is soothing, it makes me want to sing. It's humming that I'm worrying for not much, that everything can remain easy between us. But when his eyes are turning serious again, I'm swallowing. That's this glance again...

"I never wanted to scare you, you know. It only seemed to me that between us... I don't know. You like me, don't you. I know you like me. And I like you too, very much. We're getting on well together. Our passions are not quite the same but they're meeting in some kind of way. It feels good being with you, I'm feeling really fine when you're around. I don't feel as if I have to force myself being what I'm not. You're natural and you always have something interesting to say, even when we're talking about stupid things. And I must admit I think you're pretty... It could be working between us."

Alright, it's not the typical dramas romantic declaration of love but that was not what I was expecting anyway. Lets be serious : we know each other since a very short amount of time. But his words were sincere, I can feel it inside of my soul. He have meant every single words he have said. A part of my resistance had just beat it, melting like snow is melting at spring. I keep all the stakes behind a yes from me, somewhere in my mind, but when I think about what would happen if I say no, I can feel my whole body shying away from me, as if I was going to fall from the roof.

Jun In is getting up, stretching his hand. I'm putting my palm in his and in a few seconds, I'm back on my feet. Fresh air is whiping my face, blowing in my hair stuck against my cheeks. His face is so close to mine and his eyes... I have never seen eyes as black as his, the pupil is almost impossible to distinguish. His hands and the closeness of his body is releasing a soft warmness which almost makes me want to nestle against him. The last petals of my resistance just had flown away.

"Yes", I stutter. "Yes, it could be working between us... Let's try and... We'll see."

His face is splitting in a wide smile, brighter than what I ever seen until then. I'm feeling his body relaxing, his shoulders are lowering and a similar echo is happening inside me. I have only worried about my own fears, I haven't paid attention about what he was feeling, about the stress it could be not to understand my reactions, to believe the will to reach to each other wasn't shared. I'm so sorry about it...

My hand is getting in touch with his cheek. He's got a baby skin. It's rare at boys'.

"Can I hold you in my arms?"

The question, adorable, enlarges my smile. It's a bit naive but I think it's sweet. I like it best than someone taking without asking. I would have been stupid to refuse and I would have missed something that could happen to be mind-blowing, even if I'm still scared of the consequences if someone happened to know it. As an answer, this time quick, I'm nodding.

His arms are wrapping my waist and I'm letting go, my dress still in my hand. It's good to go back to the washing machine. He holds me softly. I'm putting my cheek against his shoulders, wrapping my arms around him. No matter what could happen after, for now, I'm feeling so good here with hom and the Seoul city as a spectator.