It's not quite like me to be immediately at ease with someone I don't really know. (Mi Yeon) – It's not quite like me to be immediately at ease with someone I don't really know. It's one of my main problems related to the carreer I want to have. To make my dream come true, I'm taking the bullet. I force myself to smile, to act as if everything was okay and as if I was perfectly relaxed and completely myself each time there's an exercise of interview or each time we train for photoshoots, dedications or potential ads one of us could shoot if accepted in a band.

Tonight, with Jun In, that's different. I don't have to force myself. At first, I was very embarrassed to ask for his phone and also when he offered me to spend the night in his room rather than in the corridors but it quickly turned out to be very easy, quicker than with anyone lese, except maybe Ah Ri, that I'm regarded as my best friend. Ah Ri is a girl, so it's not the same. Yes, because except people I don't know, usually, that's boys whom I'm not really at ease with.

The only boy I have seen until then was from my native town and we were more like close friends than anything else. Except from him, I'm not used to mix closely with them. I was always monopolized by my passion, so back in High School, they didn't approach me that much. They rather liked girls who were funnier than me. Boys from the agency often visit the girls' dorms, where I live in the weeks. A lot of trainees are together, flirting and more even. The aim is not getting caught... Well, even the boys from the agency are not into me because they think I'm too serious. I know some of them, of couse. But it's hard for me to stay myself and relaxed when with them.

I don't really know what makes me feel so good with him. Maybe that's because somewhere he's a bit like me. We both have a dream and we're working hard to get it. The others often think we're not funny because we're taking our training very seriously. Yet, when we're together, we're laughing a lot. Ah Ri often told me I was funnier than it seemed. For the first time, I agree with her.

The SIA looks like a fascinated place. It's one of the biggest campus of the city. There are many branches, one in Myeong-dong, another one in Namsan, again another one close to Ansan. The creative writing department is in Myeong-dong. He says it's very useful to get some inspiration. That must be why HTS main building is there too. That's funny we never met in the area, but at the same time, that place si so lively...

His classes are not the most visited. Compared to the theatre classes, it's very small. They're a bit regarded as the dropouts of their university, because the goal of the section is different. Events to really show what's the students' work can"t be organized. There are readings sometimes, of couse, but it doesn't gather as many persons as the plays, the performances or the dance shows.

So, the creative writing department students are preparing their own events. They organize meetings with authors, novellas constests... They do parties where the other sections are invited. The parties are aimless, it's just for the fun to show the writers know how to have a whale of a time and got tastes for music and decoration too. After all, writing a story that's the same than directing a whole movie on your own. You have to invent everything : life and personnalities of the characters, the sceneries they're moving into... And to spark off emotions without the help of tricks, just with words and that's a very difficult thing.

Those are parties where people have a lot of good fun, until late in the night. The problem is they're set on the weekends and on the weekends, Jun In have to work a bit harder, because he writes for a little magazine. I have seen the covers on his bed. I have wondered if he was the kind of guy buying women's press just to learn more about girls and what's necessary to seduce them. There are a lot of boys doing that. In fact, it had nothing to do with that. That's only for the pleasure of seeing his own finished work published. Why not, after all? We work hard to get a good result, there's no harm in showing how proud we are about what we have achieved.

I can't tell him precisely what's life in my own school. First, because that's not exactly a school. I'm supposed to go to the Hankuk University to learn English but I'm almost never there. Colleges are likely to offer scholarships to trainees and stars from the agencies, just to get some good publicity. It sparks off a controversy because despite it all, we're way too busy to go to school and yet, we get our graduation by the end of the four years of study, most of the time. It's really unfair towards the other students...

Since I was a little girl I have been used to work hard to get what I wanted so I can understand what kind of frustration they're feeling. I don't think that's a good thing like for many other things happening in the agencies but I don't really have the choice. Even mom encouraged me to take the chance to get into a prestigious university to write in my curriculum vitae, even if I almost never studied in there.

Nothing obliges me not to speak about my trainee position. There's nothing in my contract stipulating that I'm not allowed to say I'm part of the HTS troops. By the way, a lot of trainees are now noticed even before they're chosen to get into a band, with the internet and the speed of the informations. I'm the one who want to stay wise. Unlike many other trainees, I don't have a Twitter or me2day account, not even a Cyworld. Even with my family, I'm always very secretive about what I'm doing everyday. They have refused to talk to mom and I for years, anyway, so...

I trust Jun In and his discretion, that's not where the problem is. The problem is that after I would said it, obviously, glance people would had on me would change. When they realize I'm possibly going to be famous one day, their attitude towards me become completely different, they never dare to be at odds with me, they butter me up or they suddenly look at me with disdain. I don't think he would be that way, but... I'm scared he would be disappointed if he discovers the truth.

So I'm never too much accurate when I tell him about my own stories. Officially, I'm in a University room on weeks and here on the weekends. It's a bit the right way it is... I have chose to stay aways from the agency dorms from Friday nights to Monday mornings to keep a bit of a secret garden as long as I still can. Before my whole life and my every moves would be exposed on the web. As we all live in community, it's very hard to get private moments and everyone ends up knowing about your phone calls, about your headaches or stomachaches, what's you weight at the morning mandatory weigh-in, and so on...

I like to keep secret things for me, not to say everything about me to the agency or the other trainees, except Ah Ri who I completely trust.

I only tell the funniest to Jun In. The boys' chases to escape the night watcher, when they come to visit the girls' dorm, for example. The nightly escapes in which I also took part, sometimes, when we go to see the city under the neons lights, or to buy forbidden food at the grocery in the corner of the streets. The silly thins we do at training, when the choreographer has turned his back on us or the water gun fights we have when it's too hot. We can't be serious all the time, even I need to get relaxed. When the mood is like that, that's so great. He seems like having a lot of fun at his institute, I don't want to tell him about the most nasty things. Fierce competition and bullies also are parts of our daily life, unfortunately...

It's usually forbidden to get alcohol into the youth hostel. We both know the manager isn't there and won't be there until the morning. The ajummas all are in their rooms watching their favorite dramas and the least foreigners of that off-peak period are not the kind to tell. We went to the Seven Eleven a bit farther in the same street and we have bought a few bottles of Hite beer. You're not locked up outside everyday so Jun In wanted to celebrate it. I thought the idea sounded fun.

But I'm not really used to drink so much beer in the same night. I know it never bothers the others. It doesn't bother me neither but basically, when I drink, it's nothing more than one bottle, because I'm too scared of losing my self-control if my ideas are blurred. Last time I checked what time it was, I think it was around ten to midnught and then I completely lost all notion of time. I guess you can say my ideas are blurred. And it sounds strange.

Jun In told me he was not really Korean. He's American, his mother is a Korean girl adopted when little by Americans and his father was from here. He has died before he could have leanred that it was now allowed to have both an American and a South Korean passeport. It made me sad for him... A few hours ago we didn't really know each other but ever since, we have became closer. It's not possible in a so short time, is it? Yet, this is how I'm feeling. Or, maybe that's because my ideas are blurred, indeed, I don't know...

Anyway, something is sure. Well, I think it is. I like him. He's nice and we've got many things in common. For example, I have never know my real father. Mom had me without being married and her whole family had rejected her. She had to do a lot of terrible things to get through but since she has met my stepfather, who she's married to and that she had my little sister, things are better. Mae Rin is a lot more loved than I am by my grandparents, I know it, but she's not the blame for it so I don't hold any grudges agains ther. That's the same in his own family. Apparenly, his mother's family didn't really like his dad and liked the ex-husband better, he's the father of his siblings and this, even if he was not someone good. Maybe because our personal stories are both complicated that I'm feeling I'm in line with him.

To be quite honest, that's not the only thing. It's the first time I think I really like a boy. When you first see him, he might look ordinary, but in the end, he's really cute. He's got a small face and ebony black hair that I like. His features are delicate... I'm sure he would be successful if he would audition for the agency. He's looking like an idol but that's not the thng I like. Idols, I see them everyday and a lot of them make no impression on me. Jun In inspires me something different.

That's not good at all. The possibilities for these kind of things are better in the trainee years but since three years that I have been a trainee for HTS, it had to be now that I'm meeting a boy I like. I'm talked for the new agency's band. There's nothing sure but I don't want to take risks, just in case... If I become the member of a band, my contract will change. I won't be allowed anymore to see a boy. I know a lot do that anyway, but scandals are not appreciated or bore at HTS. The agency is know to be one of the most severe of the country.

I need to get my ideas unblurred. What's happening is nothing good at all. Yet, I like the way his face lights up when he's laughing out loud. I like his hands, too and how he's clumsy with some of the politeness rules of here. It's going to make me sad, if I'm insisting to follow that path...