Seoul's restlessness is something I have learned to like. (Mi Yeon) – Seoul's restlessness is something I have learned to like. Where I'm from, the streets are never so crowded. Where I'm from, you have to ride for a few minutes before getting downtown and downtown itself has nothing in common with the less occupied area of the capital city. All the storekeepers know each other and call you without any suffix like the -ah. We know what's the name of our neighbors and we take some time to chat with our acquaintances. There is no subway and you have to walk for everything. Stores all are reunited in the same place and there's no tower you can see from wherever you are.

At first, when I arrived here, I was feeling as if I was only a little hillbilly landed from the world's end. I was thinking everything was going too fast, I was like choking. Taking the subway was an ordeal, especially when in the rush hours. I have got lost an immensurable times... I thought I was never be able to fit in.

And, just like everything else, little by little, I have been able to get used to it. I have took on that ordeal in front of me and I have took an advantage of it to get the independency I was lacking of. Seoul built me a stronger character that have made me able to overcome my timidity and to show the best of me while our training hours. From not that bad I have turned into one of those who are the most tireless of my trainees group, so much that I quickly fastened the pace. I have started to like competition, to feel myself galvanized by the adrenaline. This is how Seoul become a place where I'm feeling good, free to be myself.

We have took the subway to Yeoksam with Jun In. There, there's an area behind the Ritz-Carlton hotel with streets in which there are only restaurants. Even here, there's a rushing crowd around us. Each going to destinations they are the only ones to know, with those little busy faces of those who have too many things in mind and whom life never gives enough time. In the middle of that tumult, here we are.

Last night, we were so close. Helped by alcohol and over-proximity, the way I have behaved with him, I have never behaved with a boy before, with an ease which never stops disconcerting me. It's rare when I feel so good that I have felt while that night with him. Today, each time I'm trying to find back that link, I realize what it could be implying and right after, my pulse get carried away, I'm feeling nervous. My only solution to get the control over my emotions back : to be more timid with him.

We're walking side to side on the same sidewalk, almost shoulder to shoulder but I'm always doing my best not to brush him, even by accident. That's an endless concentration and I have to be very cautious about what's happening around us and where I'm stepping. I would like to start a conversation but I can't say a single word. All that comes in my mind seems to be too silly or pointless. So I'm not saying anything. He might be thinking I'm a volatile person. He might be wondering why am I blowing hot and cold with him. I would like everything to get back to what is was yesterday between us. So hard... but it scares me.

"Do you want to eat something special?"

Jun In's voice gets me out of that mental drowsiness that kept me as a prisoner. I'm losing my watchfulness ans and as a hasty young girl is passing us by, she slightly bump into me. I'm almost coming a cropper and I have to grab his arm to avoid that. It's as if I have just buried my palms into burning embers. Yet, I already had that kind of touch with him. It's not much, nothing to get enthusiastic for. So why am I feeling so strange?

His eyes on me look sincere from anxiety. It's unbearable when I think about the way I must be looking right now. If I like using those shy and elegant attitudes that boys like when singing cute things, in my everyday life, I hate behaving this way. I just want to be myself, the way I have been with him last night. The only way to find back that ease lacking in our relation since I left this morning would be to go to a place I would feel secured. And since he asked me something about food, it seems like the solution to this problem is within my reach.

"I know a small restaurant around here. We often go there with Ah Ri and Hae Bin. Follow me."

For the first time since ages, I'm feeling as if behaving the right way with him. Even in the subway, I haven't said a word, barely a thank you when he let me the only free sitting place and had to stay standing. He's so nice I'm feeling ashamed of the way I'm treating him...

I'm walking in a more self-confident pace towards my favorite little restaurant of the area, where you can eat a delicious barbecue and the best sundaeguls of all the city - according to me. I can feel the new pace fits him better. I wonder if he practices. From what I have seen, discreetly, he doesn't look like the kind of boy letting himself go and I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he frequents a sports all. This is something else we share. I always liked being active.

People around us don't pay us attention at all. It's easy to blend in with the crowd. I like that point too about living in a big capital city like Seoul. Everybody do not know who you are. Anonymity got something comfortable. I feel protected to know that, unlike the place I come from, my life is a mystery for those around me. I would rather take an advantage of it. If I'm told as a member of the band the agency is getting prepared, I would never be anonymous again. I would not be able to walk in the streets the way I'm walking with Jun In. I wonder if people think he's my boyfriend...

Why am I thinking such a thing?

The restaurant I'm bringing him to doesn't look much. It's not one of those lovely establishments with everything made of precious wood as you can see in the dramas. It's a very small place in the corner of a street where not more than fifteen persons could be sitting at the same time. I don't even remember how the girls and I came to frequent it so often. Maybe because we were lazy to go and search for another place... But it has become some sort of a HQ for us. We are able to have our lunch, to spend the whole day here and to stay for the dinner as well.

When I'm passing by the small glassy door and the bells are ringing, the ajumma working here immediately walks towards me with a big kind smile. She's pausing, however, when she sees Jun In behind me. Usually, I'm with the girls and with no one else but the girls. It's the very first time I come here without them and with a boy with that. I'm glad she's delicate enough not to ask me if he's my boyfriend. She's surprised but doesn't let it take over the rest. As I'm taking off my scarf and my coat, she shows us my favorite table is free and we can sit.

It's not a restaurant where you can eat sitting on the floor. There are three rows of table for four and plastic chairs. On the entry door, there's a poster for a soju ad, with yellowed key lines and the autograph of the actress on the picture. No decorations on the walls, only the menues posted up with the prices. A trifle. There's a counter in the back behind which the ajumma is preparing us something to drink. She has settled up a camping table with a little television so she can watch her TV shows and dramas. There are only two other costumers wih us, two old sirs eating their noodles loudly.

Jun In is watching me with an enigmatic that's slightly embarrassing me. I know he wants to say something and I wonder why he doesn't. My nervosity comes back fast... I'm taking the chopsticks and spoons in the small plastic box by our side and distribute. I would like him to start the conversation first so hard. Him to say what is burning his lips. I won't be able to take it a bit longer, in the opposite case.

"It seems like..."

We are cut by the ajumma arriving at ou table. Along with the usual water carafe, she's bringing us two fresh Hite beers. Jun In is raising a suprised eyebrow in from of her and I can't help laughing seeing his face, hidden behind my glass. It doesn't hide anything but let's not care. She's blinking at my fellow of the day before going back behind her counter and I'm frankly bursting out into laughter this time. Her behavior has set Jun In uneasy, apparently... Now the boot is on the other foot. Because thanks to her intervention, I feel ready to be myself again with him.

"What did you want to say?"

"What?", he answers, blinking. "Oh yeah. It seems like you're a regular costumer. Am I wrong?"

"Not at all. The girls and I was come here everytime we are in that area. Even when we're not, by the way... Seems like you're taken with Ajumma Kim..."

"Yah !"

I'm giggling more, this time almost slumped on the table. The change seems subtle but it's liberating. How pity that would have been to waste what could become a lovely friendship because of my hesitations and stupid fears. The fact we're able to be face to face without embarrassment or else, it feels so good I'm feeling like I would never stop laughing.

Jun In is rising his head to look at the menue. I'm turning, gesturing to the ajumma, like to say "two as usually". There's a dish that I particularly like here and most of the time, I take this one even if I already have took something else. I don't know what Jun In likes but I'm sure once he had tasted their speciality, even if he didn't like that before, he will change his mind.

My giggles over, I'm taking care of pouring the beer in our glasses. My fingers are freezing cold... I should have took my gloves.

"Since you know the place so well, what do you think I should be eating?"

"In fact... I took the liberty of ordering for the both of us. Are you angry?"

"I'm not, that's fine. No more wondering, this way."

He's putting his elbows on the table and smiles at me. He's so sweet... Of course, this is not the first time I notice. In fact, it's been a while since I have realized. We both sometimes met at the youth hostel but everytime I have already noticed how cute he was. I like the way he brushes his hair and I like the way he dresses. I have been thinking for a long while that the brown girl I often saw with him was his girlfriend until I heard her call him "cousin" earlier in the corridors.

Even. What am I expecting? I don't even know. And I don't think I'm allowed to expect anything. We're getting on very well, that's an absolute fact. It's not a good reason for me to get up on your high horses. It already would be extraordinary to be friends. He's not only cute, he's very nice and funny. And, he does something linked with arts, just like me... I always have liked being around persons into arts under any shapes.

Soon, ajumma arrives with our dishes. She's putting a burning sundaeguk bowl in front of the both of us. The delightful scent comes tickling my nostrils. A steamy smoke escapes from our plates. I'm drooling over it.

Jun In is taking his spoon as ajumma is settling our side dishes : kimchi, of course, but also garlic and additional peppers, marinated radishes. It's only once she's back at her favorite spot, which yet is just beside our table, that he's speaking again, blowing on his soup at the same time.

"I would never have thought you would like eating something like sundaeguk. My sisters all hate that..."

Sisters? It's the first time he's mentioning his family in front of me. I admit I'm curious to know how many siblings he has, their ages, where they are but I'm holding myself back. I know he was born and lived his whole life in Chicago and that both his parents were Korean even if his father was the only one to have the nationality. That's all. He hasn't told me anything more and that's pretty fair. I haven't told him a lot as well. Questions about the family when asked to someone barely known can be embarrassing and I don't want him to think I'm a nosy. The best is to let him confess things to me little by little. It doesn't prevent me from talking, yet.

"I only have a younger sister and she's very picky with food. She doesn't even like tteokbokkis, do you realize? I mean, everyone likes tteokbokkis, just like those French pastries in the windows of the Hyundai gallery... I don't know anyone to say they don't want to eat those cakes."

"Except that unlike tteokbokkis, no one never buys it because it's too expensive."

"If you want, one day, we will go there together. We'll sit at a counter of one of the restaurants and we'll watch if anyone buy a cake. And if no one buys it at all... I will pay for the food."

"We've got a deal!"

We're shaking hands across the table before bursting out into laughters again. I'm so happy to see that everything is back to its right place. I don't know why I have dug my heels in so much earlier, it's almost as if I have tried myself to shoot down my chance to get to know someone new better, someone who's not a part of the agency, even if that's so pleasant. I like our conversations with the girls but most of the time we end up talking about training and who has arrived at the agency and who's starting to progress dangerously and which name who would liked to have if we get in a band together and many other stuff like that. It feels so good, sometimes, to talk about stupid and anodyne things. To be talking about life, about our tastes.

Everything is so easy between us. There are no hassles, no questions. I'm letting myself flow, I'm following the river stream, peaceful with myself. A little too much, even, because I almost happen to forget the pressure that is mine. They are many to expect a lot from me. Many that I should not deceive. I don't want to deceive Jun In neither but I hope if I remain true to myself, everything is going to be alright. When it comes to tell him what I do in life, let's see when the right moment will come.

We're talking about everything and nothing with the widest suppleness. Of course, it's still a little carefree conversations. We never talk about families and I always stay very vague about what I do in my so-called art school. Despite it all, as the minutes are going by, I feel closer and closer to him, closer that we have been last night. And this time, it's not because of the beer since none of us really drank ours, too busy devoring our soups.

For thos who don't know, sundaeguk is some kind of broth in which the main ingredient are sundaes, those Korean blood sausages made of pork guts, and with it, different pieces of meat. It's true that it's not quite regarded as a female dish but we don't care. We like it and especially the one here. Jun In seems to like it too.

I'm asking him and he swears he never ate any that are as good, which I'm replying that I have told him so and that he should always trust me and I insist with the word always, which makes him smile. That's the reaction I wanted. I like his smile so much. He looks so... fresh. It makes me want to smile as well.

I'm bending over my bowl and string together with a spoon of rice. The mix of the two is so delicious I almost got chills. That's what good food is doing to me. I hate the food I'm forced to eat when I'm at the agency. They want us to stay thin and only feed us with little calories. So, when I'm in town and no one watches us, I always take an advantage of it to eat all those little guilty pleasures which would make our nutritionists really get under their skins.

I know he's watching me. His smile always stuck on his pretty face. It scares me, suddenly...

"I think you're amazing, you know. It's so good to see a girl with such an apetite. In fact, there are many things I like about you."

What else? What does he mean exactly? I'm more and more worried and to get myself a composure, I'm stuffing down an enormous rice spoonful into my mouth. Too enormous, in fact. I must be looking like a hamster forced-fed with seeds. I'm going to die from choking. And from shame.

"Maybe you will think that's sudden. Well, in fact, that is... It's the first time I'm doing such a thing. Well... Do you need help?"

I'm nodding no and somehow is able to swallow a bit of the rice in my mouth. I think I'm disgusting right now and whatever he wanted to ask me, I guess he won't do it all the way. I don't know why I did that. Most of the time, I'm a reasonable girl but right now all I do is stupid. I don't know what's confusing me so much. Maybe that's the serious of hi voice or his eyes... Black and deep, it's staring at me with a brand new intensity, that I can hardly decrypt.

Jun In is pouring me a glass of water and waits, patient, that I'm over with my rice. I'm swallowing the last seeds and take the glass to empty it in one shot.

"Do you... think you would... like us to see each other a lot? I mean... Not really as friends..."

This time, I'm choking for real. I have swallowed my water th wrong way and my throat is tickling me so much I'm cowing noisy. Breath is shortening. I'm not sure I have understood his request the good way but if I did, I'm in a serious mess. Because the objective Mi Yeon is dying to say yes but the reasonable Mi Yeon knows there will be a problem. I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend. Well, I am... As a trainee it's not forbidden. But the trainees with a boyfriend are less likely to be chosen and, after, once member of a band, it becomes complicated not to say impossible. At the same time, I don't want to make him sad, or to make me sad by the way.

Well, first I have to have understood what he meant for that. And to stay alive.

In front of that sharp incongruity crisis, I can feel Jun In is confused. The ajumma is shouting at him to pour me some water from her counter and he does it so with quick gestures. I'm taking his glass without any thought of sweetness and swallow it in one shot again. Water to calm water... Strange as well. Even if, I know that this time I was not choking for no reason and it was not only because of my awkwardness. If only he never asked me that question...

He's waiting for me to calm down. After a few seconds, I can breath again. My cheeks are burning from heat. I might be looking like a huge tomato right then. I'm feeling so rude, so ashamed. I guess if he really said what I thought he said, he will never ask me again. He's maybe an American from his education, he's still a boy. And boys don't want their girlfriends to be rude and impolite. At least, they can get used to it late on in life but they certainly don't want the girl with them to behave that way on the first date. Even if basically, it's not quite a first date.

"Are you feeling better? You scared me..."

I answer with a shy yes and don't dare touching anything on the table again, scared from another clumsiness. What will it be next? To stad his eyes with a chopstick by accident? He's smiling at me again, with that smile taking off my whole guard and I'm surprised begging for him to ask me again. Instead, he's reaching his hand towards me, getting a rice grain off my lips.

I'm trying to establish an embarrassed and cute attitude, like thos I have learned in playacting and theatre classes, my hand putting a stray of hair behind my ears, my eyes low. It's supposed to work with any dude. But he doesn't say a word.

I hate myself.