It was already midnight, Yongguk had been gone for more than half the day; part of me hoped that he wouldn't be coming back. I lay in bed thinking; that seemed to be all I was ever doing. Thoughts of earlier flooded my mind as his words repeated themselves over and over.

'You don't understand. You'll never understand unless you try it.'

I so badly wanted to understand. I needed to know why it was that he needed this satisfaction. My mind drifted to the joint I took from him earlier, it was just sitting on the table... I didn't know what to do with it and had just left it lying there. 

‘...unless you try it.’ The words lingered in my head and before I even realized it, I was crawling out of my bed. I stood in front of the table staring at it. My fingers aching to reach for it. Don't! the logical side of my mind yelled at me. Don't do it. You're going to regret this. 

"He's going to regret this," I spoke to no one in particular.

I grabbed it with my skinny fingers and placed the end between my lips, holding it there so my hands were free to rummage through the kitchen drawers for a lighter. I knew there had to be one somewhere; Yongguk always had so many lying around. 

Aha. There it was. My fingers couldn't move faster as I picked it up out of the drawer, I fumbled with it, my hands shaking with nerves as I brought it up to the joint in my mouth. I've seen people light cigarettes all the time, how could this be any different? I pressed down on the little button- I didn't know what it was called and I could honestly care less- and watched as the tiny flame came to life. It took me a few attempts, but finally it lit. I took a puff, it felt weird as it traveled down my throat, it tasted disgusting, but I didn't feel any different, so I took another puff. And another, and another until I had smoked the whole thing. I was coughing, my throat was dry but when was it going to kick in? I didn't feel too different, just off. Then, I started to get hungry. Too hungry. I kept on eating anything I could find but the hunger didn't seem to go away. I looked at the clock, 1:03am. I looked for some more food. I ate a box of cookies. I looked at the clock, 1:06am. I paced around the apartment. I opened the window for fresh air. I looked at the clock, 1:08am. I the TV. I watched what felt like 20 minutes of infomercials. I looked at the clock. 1:16am. I went on the computer, surfed the web. I looked at the clock, 1:20am. Time had never gone slower throughout my whole life.

I woke up to someone gently shaking my shoulder. 

"Baby," he cooed, "it's time to wake up."

I pushed his hand away and hid my face under the blanket; I was nowhere close to being ready to wake up.

"I made you breakfast," he softly chanted.

Was that really Yongguk speaking to me? I removed the blanket from my sight for confirmation. It was Yongguk alright. He sat on the edge of the bed with nothing but boxers on, looking down at me in a way I hadn't seen for so long. His eyes were filled with admiration, love, and sincerity. He hadn't looked at me like that since before he had started drugs, so what was different now? 

I propped myself up on my elbow, my head spinning with every movement. I felt so groggy and confused. It took me a minute before I remembered what had happened the night before. I smoked. I actually did the thing I hate most. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I completely let my guard down when Yongguk came home and slept with him even though I could hardly bear to look at him.

I kicked the blankets off and ran into the bathroom, just barely making it before I threw up. I was so revolted with what I did I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, I felt sick to my stomach. Yongguk came in not too long after me and held my hair back as he patted my back.

“It’s okay,” he cooed in a soft voice, “it’ll be better next time, you haven’t felt the high yet.”

Next time? I didn’t know what to think in that moment. Just because I tried it once, did he expect me to become a druggy like him? Fine. If that’s what he wants, that’s what I’ll give him. I could care less about what I was doing to myself at this point; I spent most of my days not wanting to exist anyways.

That evening, I lit up with Yongguk. We got high. We had . We went to sleep. The next day was the same thing, weed, , sleep. And the following day. And the next one. This went on for about a week, until it got to the point where I couldn’t wait for Yongguk to get home from work. I searched the apartment for his stash, but it was nowhere to be found; I should’ve realized Yongguk was smarter than that. He wanted me high, but only with him.