“Come eat,” I called out when I heard him shuffle through the door. He kicked off his boots and draped his coat on the nearest chair. I caught myself staring at the large parka; somewhere, in one of those pockets sat god knows what, just waiting to be in my system. I brought myself back to reality and placed two plates of food on the table. He washed his hands before sitting in front of me.

“How was your day?” he asked, initiating the conversation.

“Pretty boring, I didn’t do much. How was work?” I continued the small talk, but my mind was somewhere else. I could hardly eat, I felt nervous. I didn’t know what was going to come within the next couple hours. My mouth was dry and I had to force the food down.

Yongguk finished eating in no time and left for a shower. I put his empty dishes in the sink and scrapped my left overs into the garbage, I had hardly eaten anything but how could I with so much going through my mind. I washed the dishes and by time I was done, Yongguk was also done.

He walked over to where his coat was before heading back to the bed. I stood against the kitchen counter with a glass of water in my hands. I watched him, wearing only a pair of baggy sweat pants as he played with something in his hands.

“Come here babe,” he called without looking at me.

My hand shook as I put the glass down and I slowly walked towards him, the floor creaking with every step.

“If I don’t do this… are you still going to?” I croaked, my voice quiet.

“Well I can’t let it go to waste,” he stated, “this stuff isn’t cheap.”

I took a closer look at what he was holding. The tiny jar rolled around along his fingers, the fine white powder swirling inside.

I swallowed hard and looked up at him, my eyes rounding when he stared back.

“You ready?” he asked, his face unreadable.

I nodded and that was all the confirmation he needed. He pulled the table closer and started pouring the onto the smooth surface. I watched intently as he showed me exactly what to do before trying it for myself. It made my face tingle and I scrunched my nose at the unfamiliar and uncomfortable feeling it left. It didn’t take long for it to kick in, and Yongguk wasn’t wrong, this stuff made me feel like I was floating. Everything felt and looked so different, but at the same time there was a sense of normality, as if this was some kind of altered reality.

We talked, we laughed, and he watched me just loose myself. I felt like I had no control over my body, I did whatever and said whatever without thinking; the filter between my brain and my mouth didn’t seem to be working.

“Oh my gosh,” I breathed out, my eyes widening. Yongguk looked at me waiting for me to continue, worry taking over his features. “I’m so high,” I blurted out before bursting into a fit of giggles.

“Yes you are,” he chuckled as he ruffled my hair.

“I’m so high,” my voice dragged at the end, “that I’m higher,” I let out another round of laugher. I fell back onto the bed and looked up at the ceiling. “Do you think,” I whispered to Yongguk. I sat up suddenly and leaned towards him, cupping my hands to his ear, “that I’m higher than the ceiling?” I let out more giggles but stopped, searching Yongguk’s face as I waited for a response.

“You’re higher than a lot of things,” he replied with a goofy smile

I couldn’t keep track of time, but eventually Yongguk and I went to sleep; of course not before we tired each other out with a couple rounds of .

Every day was the same routine. I failed to get a steady job and worked odd hours here and there. I stayed home most of the time waiting for Yongguk to return with or coke. And when he did, we ate dinner, got high, had and went to sleep. I got tired of the same old thing day by day and I got tired of Yongguk telling me when I’m allowed to get high or not. If he wasn’t in the mood –then I was out of luck. He had control over my life in every way possible and I was sick of it.

That morning, I waited for Yongguk to leave the apartment before getting out of bed. Once I was sure he was gone, I pulled out the small slip of paper out from the back of my phone and dialed the number. After the call ended, I slipped on something warm and headed out.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets to stop the obvious shaking. I was on my way to meet Yongguk’s guy and I had never been more nervous in my life. My whole body shook with fear, we were meeting behind an apartment building and I had no idea of what to expect. As I approached the building, I could feel my heart rate increase and a million thoughts flooded my mind.

If only my friends and family could see me now. They’d look at me with disappointment, disgrace, and concern. But I severed ties with all of them when they didn’t approve of Yongguk. We ‘ran away’ together to get away from those judging stares. I’m sure they could find me if they tried, but of course they wouldn’t. Oh how smugly they’d look at me if only they knew they were right. Yongguuk wasn’t the one for me, they said. He’s no good, they tried to convince me. But my stubborn heart refused to believe them.

My train of thought was interrupted by the sound of footsteps.