A man wearing a long coat walked around the corner heading my direction, his body was slim and his face unshaven. Each step he took echoed in the confined, graffiti-painted space. He stared at me and I stared back, unsure of what to do. Should I say hi? I didn’t know what to do. Are you supposed to casually greet drug dealers?

He stopped in his tracks just a couple of feet away from me, “well, well,” his sly voice spoke, “you don’t look like the usual customer.”

I was already frozen and his words did no justice. My whole body was tense, and I knew he could see it.

“That was supposed to be a compliment,” his expression hardened and I could tell he wasn’t pleased with me.

I smiled half-heartedly at him and gave him an awkward nod. Seeing as I didn’t want to chit chat, he got straight to business. He pulled out a small plastic bag from his inner coat pocket and handed it to me. I gave him the sum of money we had agreed to on the phone earlier and he turned to walk away.

“Wait,” I called out before I could stop myself.

He looked back with a questioning expression on his face.

“Do you by chance have anything else? Something a bit more…” I trailed off unsure of how to end my question.

He walked back up to me with a smirk lingering on his lips. “Well I do have molly on me,” he said.

Molly… I had to rake through my brain to remember exactly what Yongguk had told me molly was: ecstasy… I thought to myself.

“How much do you want for it?” I questioned, concern overtook me as I remembered the little amount of money I had… did I really want to spend the rest of it on drugs?

He told me a price and I obliged, handing the last of the money I had to spare.

“You know… I could give you a little extra if you do a lil’ something, something for me,” a mischievous smile flashed across his face and he looked down at me with piercing eyes.

“Depends,” I sternly responding, trying to keep my cool, I couldn’t let him know I was freaking out on the inside, “what’s this ‘something’?”

Without a word, his eyes flickered downwards and he nodded, subtly motioning to his crotch.

I almost threw up in my mouth at the thought; it was absolutely revolting to even think of putting my face anywhere near there. Yongguk and I had been together for years, we’ve had hundreds of times, but the idea of giving head still made me uncomfortable.

Never in my life would I have thought I’d be standing in a back alley with a filthy man –a drug dealer to be specific- asking me for head. I wanted to blurt out Yongguk’s name, let this man know whose girlfriend he was dealing with, but I refrained from saying a word. I couldn’t risk letting him know, word would get back to Yongguk that I was meeting with a dealer and he’d be devastated with me.

After getting away from that poor excuse of a man, I walked back home quickly, just wanting to be in the safety of the secluded walls of the apartment. I had hours until Yongguk returned home and that gave me time to think, too much time. I played with the pills in the palm of my hand –I could only afford two –as I sat on the edge of the bed, mindlessly staring at the front door, when would Yongguk return? How much longer did I have to wait? I put the pills away and crawled under the covers. I curled up in a ball, squeezing a pillow close to my chest. I let the tears escape as my mind wandered… what has my life become? I was falling apart from the inside out and Yongguk didn’t even notice; he didn’t care, he never did. I couldn’t take it anymore, I just wanted to scream.

I sobbed into the pillow, screaming and crying until my throat hurt almost as much as my heart.

It was well into the evening when I woke up, the sun was already setting and the apartment became still. My head pounded and my throat was dry, I felt so weak, as if one wrong move could crack me in half. Slowly, I got out of bed and dragged my lifeless body to the bathroom. My fingers traced the wall for the light switch, flicking it on once I found it. I scowled at the sudden light, my eyes too sore to handle the brightness; I squinted my eyes as I switched it back off. Using my sense of touch as my only guide, I the tap and rinsed my face. The cool water splashed on my face, making me feel refreshed and relaxed. I brushed my teeth as habit and wandered back towards the bed. My tired body slumped down onto the old mattress and I looked towards the clock, it was almost time for Yongguk to return and I hadn't even started dinner. Too tired to do anything, I grabbed a couple take out menus that had been left in our mail box at the beginning of the month. After calling the chicken shop down the street, I pulled out my small stash that I had established this morning. Taking one of Yongguk's rolling papers; I rolled the exactly as I had seen him do it. I dragged a chair to the window and leaned on the window sill, letting the smoke escape the confined space.  Fifteen minutes later, I had smoked the whole thing and the chicken had arrived. I paid the nice man who obviously could smell the on me and then set the table.