( MERRY HOHO!!!! JUST A QUICK UPDATE UNTIL THE LAST CHAPTER! LOVE YOU GUYS AND WISH A LOVELY HOLIDAY AND NEW YEAR!)

 ~I lie to myself all the time, but I never believe me~

 “So remind me again why I’m here?”

The last time they were in this particular classroom was when they were forced and bitter words were shoved down throats. Krystal rocked on the heels of her foot while Suzy crossed her arms in a defensive manner. As comforting as their exchange was the previous night, it didn’t really help them now. They both didn’t know where they stood so the best to act was to continue as they were before….well that’s how Suzy proceeded to go.

Krystal closed the door behind them and gave Suzy a small smile completely shocking the poor girl. As if the blonde hair wasn’t already a surprise.

“Okay, Teacher Yoon had asked me to lead a group of singers to perform last at the festival, kind of like a closing showcase? If that makes sense”

It did but Suzy still didn’t see why see was here. “And….am I’m here because?”

Krystal walked around her and sat behind the teacher’s desk, kicking her feet up, laying her black combat boots to rest against the mahogany desk. “And she had said that I could pick the members but she had already chosen someone to be apart”

Ahh there it was. Teacher Yoon had got her in, not that Krystal would want to have her in the group if she could. A side of Suzy’s lip curled and a sneer left the gap, she was acting as if she hadn’t cared but she did. It hurt a bit that the only reason Krystal had sought her out was because of their teacher.

“Well you can just tell teacher Yoon that even with her recommendation, I wo—“

A slammed hand on the hard wood broke her snide remark and the screeching of the chair had Suzy grind her teeth-it was an awful sound that had her shoulders hike up. Krystal had something burning behind her eyes and before Suzy could open to question it, the door creaked opened and in poured Hyeri talking loudly on the phone with someone, and Jieun. Suzy’s eyes widened taking in the fact that they were all there, in the same room as her. The air felt sticky, and her heart hammered inside her chest.

“Well get over here as fast as you can!.....it’s important…yeah Krystal needs us….” Hyeri’s eyes glanced up and met Suzy’s “and Suzy is here too….yeah okay” she put her phone inside her back pocket and whipped around to Krystal, restraining herself from rushing over to hug Suzy.

“Hey, what did you call about?”   

Krystal’s stink eye lifted from Suzy and cleared before addressing the girls. Suzy raised an eyebrow at the change in her demeanor but let the girl give the answer.

“So Teacher Yoon had asked me to lead a group performance as the closing for the festival. I just need you, Jiyoung and Suzy’s acceptance before continuing on.”

Jieun moved to sit in a chair opting out of the conversation for once which caused Suzy to pause.

“Wait…did you already ask Jieun?” Said girl titled her head to the side and answered the question directed to Krystal. “Teacher Yoon had asked me to be in the group with Krystal so I really didn’t have a say….I would have said yes either way though”

Her wink sent Suzy’s brain in overload. If Jieun is Teacher Yoon’s placed member then she was…..

Suzy gave Krystal an incredulous stare wondering just what exactly she was doing. Krystal felt the eyes on her and picked up a piece of chalk from the holder and wrote their names on the board.

Jieun-first verse

Jiyoung-pre chorus

Hyeri-second verse

Krystal-bridge

Suzy-ending

All-chorus, back up vocal at the end for Suzy

When Krystal finished curling her ‘y’, the door knob rattled and in walked Jiyoung looking quite pleased with herself. She crossed the room to stand by Suzy, having Hyeri take a deep breath before returning her focus on Krystal.

“Okay so what are you thinking about doing then? And what’s up with the divided parts already?”

Krystal bit her lip and looked up from her lashes before sticking out her chin and raising her head. The aura that surrounded her was definite, there was no way the others had a chance to say anything.

“I wanted it to be a tribute….” She locked eyes with each one of them as she scanned the room until landing on the one she wanted “To Sulli”. She felt like throwing up, once her eyes held the blonde’s she was going to hurl. The smell of blood overcame her and her body instantly stiffened.

What……why…why is she doing this to me?

Hyeri face changed from an intrigued expression to one full of worry, her foot lifted to make a move but she covered it up quickly, not wanting Suzy to notice. But the look she gave Suzy had the girl narrow her eyes at her, wondering why she was seeing…..sadness and shame in Hyeri’s eyes. Maybe it was the trick of the light but she dismissed it nonetheless, too preoccupied with the willpower not to pass out.

Jieun looked as pale as a piece a paper, the entire color drained from her face hearing about the theme. She rubbed her hands together and stood up to circle around the desk, opting to lean on it, giving off a sense of disinterest even though Krystal saw right through it. From early this morning and right now-Jieun was off her game.

“So what do you guys say? Jieun’s in no matter what but my real concern is whether or not we’d be able to pull it off…..together”

“I’ll do it if Suzy’s up for it” The leash around Suzy’s throat tightened. Gulping she turned her head to face Hyeri, her bottom lip quivered and her nostrils flared to keep herself together. I…..

An arm wrapped itself around her shoulder and without a chance to stop herself, her neck stuck out, the sudden contact unwelcomed. They were too close, and were all looking at her- it was bad enough that all the girls were in the same room without a neutral party but this….this atmosphere was heavy.

“Yeah, I’m in if Suzy is in. She gets to call the shot on this one Ssul” Jiyoung had a grin plastered on her face that Suzy wanted to smack off-to hell she was going to do that. A tribute song is….it’s a farewell. A goodbye to Sulli and Suzy didn’t know if she was ready. Taemin and Jiyoung were but how was that going to help Suzy? Getting closer to her made the time bomb tick faster.

‘No’ was at the tip of her tongue and when she attempted to say it, the word vanished. Like it wasn’t even in her vocabulary. Krystal’s eye were so warm and comforting…..her glistening eyes eased Suzy. The blonde hair reminded Suzy that she was the one had told Krystal that she’d be able to pull it off. Krystal was so nervous about dying her hair that Suzy did it first two years ago, blonde didn’t suit her as much as it did Krystal…but she did it first to show her friends that it would be okay. She’s not ready….but she’s trying….for me.

Her fingers curled around Jiyoung’s wrist and brought the arm off her shoulder, and with it locked she smiled up at Jiyoung. My name….it’s on Sulli’s and yours…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ruined you.

“Okay”

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

Yoona was on the phone with a friend when the doorbell rang, she had to pick herself off the couch and away from her warm fuzzy blanket to open the door. It was just her and Suzy, who was at the moment currently taking a nap, her mom was out and Suho was picking up the food and would be back in about 10 minutes. Wrapping herself in the blanket, Yoona penguin walked to the door and opened it to see

“Jongin?” She pulled opened the door wider, allowing the boy to come inside into the warmth. Jongin shook off the snow from his hair and cleaned his shoes before entering the house that was his second home.

He followed her to the living room where she turned off the t.v and rounded the remote at him.

“State your business peasant”

Jongin stopped taking off her coat to stare at her “Noona?”

She just shrugged at his bewilderment “I was watching a medieval movie-it got to me. She’s in her room” and just left it at that. She had dealt with Taemin before and as much as Jongin was her mom’s favorite, she wanted to get back to her movie without a headache.

“Wait!” His voice cracked and he cringed at how unmanly it sounded but this was Yoona, Suzy’s older sister, he wasn’t going to be made fun of by her.

“Ho-how is she?” He felt like digging a hole and burying himself underneath piles and piles and piles of dirt for how stupid a question he asked. And it was indeed a dumb question from the sighing that escaped Yoona’s lips.

“Jongin ah, do you really think I need to answer that?” He lowered his head “She’s taking a nap, but you can still go in, you used to do that anyways”

A simple comment that made his knees weak. He nodded solemnly and left Yoona to walk up the stairs that he remembered climbing up all the time. He heard the t.v turn on and he couldn’t back away now. He inched closer to her door, the second on the left and braced himself before turning the knob and quietly pushing it open. He held his breath walking inside, scared that she might wake up and well…

Suzy was sleeping with her back towards the window, not liking it when the sun rose and woke her up, so he was in the clear. Her face was underneath her blanket, just her black hair visible. He was about to approach her when the tree took his attention. Looking back to make sure her head was still buried, his fingers traced over the branches finding the one with his name under. He leaned his head against the wall, stopping shortly from pounding on the wall. He couldn’t take it. Her room was exactly how he remembered it, and he wanted to be welcomed back into it but he made his choice and he regretted it ever since. Ending thing with Krystal made no difference because it was nothing. It didn’t make Suzy love him again, didn’t make her forgive him or even acknowledge him. It was her wish, that he’d let her go, but it was selfish-he couldn’t do it no matter who yelled at him.

He didn’t even know he was crying only realizing it when he felt the droplets against his arms. Jongin sniffed and patted the tree once more before tracing back his steps to Suzy’s side. Just looking at the girl made his heart clench. The only way she’d look at him peacefully would be in her sleep, there were no glares or rolling of the eyes, just her steady breathing. All he wanted was this really, to see her this angel like before leaving. He dipped down and pulled the sheets lower, to catch her lips. They were parted and like a feather with his eyes closed, his lips brushed over hers lightly-taking that only. Opening them to pull back, his heart almost stopped when his eyes met Suzy’s opened ones. Neither made a move. Not one closer or farther away. His lips were a centimeters away from hers and with an intake of breath, he moved back to give her space. With heat rising to his cheeks, he looked away, about to make an escape when her tired voice cut through the room.

“Is….is this a dream?”

His movements stopped and even with a blush, his eyebrows scrunched up when he looked at her.

“Because…you wouldn’t be here unless I was dreaming….Jongin ah…am I dreaming?”

And he really wanted to say she wasn’t. That he was actually here right now but he couldn’t break her. She was stronger now that he left her. She had made all the lines and though he was crossing one right now, he knew she would want this to be a dream. It was the best for her and for him.

“Yeah” ignoring his strangled reply he continued “you’re just really tired right now…close your eyes”

“If I do that then oppa will leave me again” the pain wasn’t imaginable. The most perfect girl he could think of was asking for him to stay and he couldn’t even touch her. His refusal was at the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t bring himself to hurt her again in her dream.

“Suji ah….it’s okay…oppa won’t leave. He’ll stay right here.” The line was drawing back further and further away once he sat down on the bed and she snuggled up to him.

“I can feel your heat…this dream is scary” she laced her fingers with his and he had to look away from how perfect their hands fit each other’s.

“Why is that? I’m scary?” he felt her nod. “Yeah, oppa is a bad person. Though he loves you, he is still a bad person for hurting you.”

They were silent for a long time before Suzy moved away and laid back down on her pillow, the gap between them resurfacing.

 “Soojung….I love her too….and oppa was hurt by me before. Leaving me…that memory can’t be erased. The things I want and the things I need are two separate things…..I have to let you go even though I don’t want to. “

His lips dried and he had to them to choke out an “I know”

“I need to let you go so I can let Sulli go…..I’m so scared of everything.”

“I know”

She sat upright and flung the covers off her body to face Jongin properly. She was like a goddess and Jongin’s cheeks felt wet again…he knew what was coming. Her thumb wiped away the tears and then traced over his mouth before settling on his chin.

“My first love….it’s a dream so I’m more confident to say this, I love you Jongin.”

His hands cupped hers and placed them down from his face. Squeezing them tight before removing his.

“I love you so much but I can’t be with you.”

He straightened his back and lifted himself so he could place a kiss on the crown of her head, her eyes fluttered shut and when she felt the warm around her leave, she opened her eyes to find herself alone. Yoona came barreling through the door to announce Suho’s return with their food. She winked before disappearing down the stairs and Suzy lifted her hand to feel her head again.

The heat and her stained cheeks made her confused. If it was a dream….why did it feel so real? She didn’t have time to ponder about it because after she ate, she had to get down to business. She needed to find her own song, rehearse the group’s and find a piano piece to do.  

……………………………………………………………………

Tuesday Dec 23^rd:

The couple pushed through the crowd of teenagers to find a seat in the middle. They spotted familiar faces but the first performance was about the start that they just sunk into their chairs, wondering how on earth that child got them to agree to be here. They haven’t been on campus since…

The lights dimmed down and a young lady dressed in a white dress walked out on stage, readjusted the mic stand and smiled to the crowd.

“Welcome everyone to the Seoul Performing Arts University’s vocal performance. I am Miss EunHye Yoon, the vocal teacher for this year second year students. This is a final grade to the students that I will give to them personally after their stage. They have worked really hard for this so I thank the friends and family for coming out tonight to support their love ones. And without further ado, lets welcome our first performer for the evening Kim Jonghyun.”

Applause erupted and from backstage classmates patted the back of Jonghyun giving him thumbs up for his turn. In the corner was Taemin mumbling lyrics to himself, Jongin drinking water to clear his nerves, Jaebum listening to his ipod to get his head in the game(haha highschool musical anyone?) and Sehun singing the scales in order to warm up his throat. On the opposite end, past their classmates lounging in the middle of the room, were the girls. All of the girls together. Krystal was tying her hair up, Hyeri biting on her nails, Jiyoung looking over the sheets with their tribute song, and Jieun was huddled over with a pad of paper scrawled across the floor, her pen flying through the lines.

Suzy was talking to herself when she noticed Jieun angrily cross out words. “What are you working on?” Suzy asked peering over the girls shoulder. Their latest practices have helped Suzy become more confident and not so defensive around the girls. If they had something to say, Suzy would give it right back to then.

Jieun eyes widened recognizing Suzy and in her breath, her eyes darted back to her paper and a smirk replaced her once pale face. “Earning some brownie points. You know, original songs are the winners” her wink didn’t match anything

“Are you still hoping that that person would see you? That’s why you’re trying so hard to win? So you’ll be on t.v?”

The smirk melted into a tight lipped line. Her eyes flashed dangerously before dimming down into black coals. “Suzy shi—“

Applauding along with whistling stopped her, and they could hear “90” being announced and the next student being called out “Im Jaebum please take the stage”

She could hear the hoots from the boys, trying to lift Jaebum’s spirits. Hyeri lifted her head to glance at Suzy before she stood up and yelled a “Fighting!!” towards Jaebum. The group stilled seeing their interaction because weren’t they in a fight?

Jaebum gave her a thumbs up before exiting up the stairs. Jiyoung pursed her lips and pointed her finger at Hyeri, collecting her thoughts

“Weren’t you and Jaebum fighting?” Hyeri shrugged and scrolled through her phone to avoid any more questions.

Suzy titled her head and opened to say something but stopped hearing Jaebum sing. The melody was familiar and she instantly recognized it as se7en’s when I can’t sing.

“Do you know that who I am on screen isn’t really my everything?
Do you know that my overflowing confidence makes me even more anxious?
Standing under the flashing lights, there is a thick shadow behind me”

Who are you Jae? A friend that couldn’t stick by me, that couldn’t stand by me after knowing everything? Someone that just doesn’t want to lose people? Just what are you trying to say?

Her forehead was knocked against by bony knuckles. Her hands flew up to rub the spot where Krystal hit her at “Ahh wae?!”

“Change your face. Jaebum got an 85” her glaring didn’t soften.

“Does it look like I care?” the girls all stared at her, making Suzy lift her head up higher to show that she was defiant. He’s not her friend, why should she care about his score?

“You should, it was dedicated to all of us. Bae, why would he sing that song? Why does he think he’s going to lose the gro-“

“Jung Soojung-next!” and Suzy thanked the heavens above for Teacher Yoon’s voice. She shrugged and pointed to the stairs “You’re up…” and with Krystal still staring at her she added a ‘good luck’ at the end, feeling the need to fill in the silence. Krystal knocked her knuckles against Suzy’s head once more before heading out.

Suzy crept up from the floor to see through the black curtains, Krystal standing in the middle and bowing low before introducing her song.

Guess it’s true, I’m not good at a one night stand.

But I still need love cause I’m just human. These nights never seem to go to plan

I don’t want you to leave will you hold my hand? Won’t you stay with me? Cause you’re all I need.

This ain’t love it’s clear to see but darling stay with me.

Suzy felt his presence behind her but she didn’t move away, her dream felt too real. She glanced up to see him staring out at Krystal with a crooked smile. It wasn’t a song to have him feel anything, it’s just a song Krystal related to that it hurt her so much that she had to sing it. There were no tears or strained notes, she was flawless. When she finished and was given a 92 on her performance, Krystal had a huge grin on her face walking back but stopped when she spotted Suzy and Jongin together. Suzy opened to explain but what Krystal did next surprised her even more than her blonde hair. She walked up to them and when her arm rose Suzy thought the worse but instead of that, she gave Jongin a high five and gave a 100 watt smile to them. 

“Of course I slayed. I’m Queen Krystal. All hail me” and Jongin ruffled her hair before she walked over to the others. Suzy stayed rooted in her spot, too shocked that Krystal….let her go, when Jongin was right next to her. She could faintly hear Jongin’s name being called to go next but she definitely noticed his cologne sticking on her when he stepped closer and kissed the crown of her head before heading out.

“Wha….but she….but he….what is going on?” another person invaded her personal space. Jiyoung had moved over to her after congratulating Krystal and seeing their exchange. She nudged the girl in the ribs and gestured towards Jongin up on stage.

            “You’re hand fits in mine like it’s made just for me. But bear this in mind it was meant to be”

Jiyoung raised an eyebrow at Jongin’s choice and scoffed right away knowing who the song was for.

“I’d say the song choice is a bit cheesy if you ask me.” Jiyoung peered at Suzy, trying to see her reaction. “I mean, if you did ask me, I’m be looking forward to another person’s performance…wouldn’t you?”

Suzy’s face read anything but amused and Jiyoung took that to stop talking “what are you doing Jiyoung? What do you want exactly?” and all jiyoung did was pretend to zip her lips and point to the front. Jongin was walking back with an 87 bouncing off his head. He motioned for Jiyoung to head up and didn’t look at Suzy after that. The hell?

One by one they all went up to go. Jiyoung sang Damaged Lady by Kara earning herself a 90, and Hyeri sang Darling by Girls Day getting an 86. The highest so far was Taemin singing ‘Ace’ that got him a 93. The only ones left were her, Sehun and Jieun.

And with every student having to leave after they finished, only the three were left backstage. Suzy almost had a panic attack when Jieun was called to go up. She almost held onto Jieun’s sleeve but coiled her fingers knowing very well what that would entail.

Sehun sat down on the couch and patted the seat for Suzy to sit to which she obliged only because she didn’t want to seem rude….for once. They could hear Jieun’s voice resonate off the walls and they instantly got goose bumps   

~ I hope this tears will stop running someday

Someday after this darkness clear up

I hope the warm sunshine dries these tears~

Chh “An original song….she’s really talented no doubt..”

Sehun finally turned towards her after staying still for over two minutes. “I’m sorry” that was all he said.  

Suzy cracked her neck turning to face him. She was getting all sorts of surprises this week.

“I’ll reflect. I’ll wait. I’m ignorant. Childish. Selfish. And sorry.” She kept shut as he continued to talk

~Everyday I hold out comforting myself “it’ll be alright”

But it makes me afraid little by little

I tell myself to believe in myself, but I don’t

Now I don’t know how longer I can hold out

But wait it’ll come

Although the night is long, the sun comes up~

“I have no right to say that I love you with my actions. So I’m backing off. I’m reflecting. Even without knowing anything I hurt you. I have no chance but that’s because I made it so. I don’t hate you, I don’t blame you for anything. It’s all of our faults….I don’t know what happened but what I said seems right.” 

~Someday after this darkness clear up

I hope the warm sunshine dries these tears

But wait it’ll come

Although the night is long, the sun comes up

Someday my painful heart will get well

Someday… Someday~

Suzy couldn’t answer too lost by his words that she didn’t even notice him leave, didn’t even notice the explosion of claps that Jieun got and an amazing score of 98. First Krystal inviting her to the group performance, Hyeri’s eyes, her dream, Jongin’s kiss, Jiyoung’s comments, and now Sehun….She hated them all and loved them all at the same time. The ticking bomb was about to short fuse. She was set to self-destruct any second now.   

~ I know people make promises all the time

Then they turn right around and break them

When someone cuts your heart open with a knife, now you're bleeding~

She hated Oh Sehun even more at that moment for singing that song. He was being a hypocrite

~ But I could be that guy to heal it over time

And I won't stop until you believe it

'Cause baby you're worth it

Stop doing this Oh Sehun. I already made my decision and you’re messing with me.

~So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me

'Cause you might look around and find your dreams come true, with me~

Oh how I wish that was true Sehun, but your promises don’t mean that much to me either….I’ve been broken for too long for words to mean anything.

“And our last student of the night is Miss Bae Suzy. Please give her a round of applause”

Smoothing down her dress and fixing her curls one last time in the mirror, Suzy walked out on stage to the blinding lights and about 100 people staring at her fumble with the mic to take it off the stand. It screeched when she twisted it off but after her apologies and her glares towards the snickering at the front, she found her family and relaxed knowing they were supporting her. She signaled for the music to start and was thankful that she could only see a few people, including a couple that looked oddly familiar and none of her classmates.  

“Do you hear my sad monologue?

These words that blame you

The name that becomes pain when I call it

You, you, you

If you are smiling at thoughts of me sometimes

I won’t have any more lingering attachments

So don’t forget me, me, me

Please remember me, me, me

“Is it so? Are you really completely fine?

You, you, you

You left me without even a common promise

But that person still remains in me

Don’t forget me, me, me

Please remember me, me, me”

It wasn’t her initial choice but after her dream it became it. She didn’t focus on anything but the lyrics, her voice was unusually raspy but sweet. A sharp contrast that worked beautifully for her. She could see the tears in her mother’s eyes knowing that her daughter was coming back. I’m almost okay mom. Almost.