It was cold. The type of cold that soaked through his clothes and skin and left him shivering to the bone. He walked, stiff and straight, in the parking lot, his hand gripped around a silver object, his mind miles, miles away from where he was in that sluggish open space.

He remembered the woman in the dim cafe, her hands folded over the keys after she finished playing, as if one movement away from the keys one more time. He remembered her face, lips thinned and eyes closed, hoping. Then, he remembered the way she looked at him, anticipating, and then disappointment, so clear, so distinct in her features that it made him feel guilty for something that he was not sure he did.

He tried to match her face with a name, the name that was engraved in the silver locket that he was holding. Jiyeon. For some reason that he could not name, he was almost sure that it was her. The girl of his past, of his memories.

Myungsoo closed his eyes.

And then, so suddenly, an image flashed in his mind, so fast, he barely had the time to grasp it. It was her, Jiyeon, in the rain. His eyes snapped open. Instinctively, he tried to recall the scene, what happened before and after it, where he was and what he was doing. But all he can see was her, still smiling in the rain, repeating again and again at the back of his mind.

He barely walked another step before another memory flashed in his mind. This time, it was not Jiyeon he saw, but of his parents, talking to each other in the sitting room of their house as he watched from the side, hidden.

And then he saw another one, of his cousin rummaging a bag that was his. And then he saw another one of Jiyeon beside an ivy covered clock tower. And then, it all came rushing to him, one after another, so fast, so sudden he was thrown aback by the intensity of it. He remembered his parents, his sister, Sunggyu and Jiyeon and Jiyeon and Jiyeon.

It was an unsettling experience, to remember something that you did not know that you forgot, it was almost as if he was looking at it from a stranger’s perspective, looking at something that was not his. He was afraid of grasping his memories, of holding them and claiming them as his own.

Then, he remembered his butler. He remembered the exact features of his face, his soft and firm lips that he often held so tight, his mild brown eyes, the arch of his eyebrows. He remembered the way he held himself with his hands clasped neatly behind his back, the slight bow of his head as he greeted Myungsoo and his parents, the arms that used to be spread wide when Myungsoo was a child, the hands that still bothered to pat him on the shoulders when Myungsoo was a broody teenager.

He remembered the night of the accident, so vivid, so real as if it was only yesterday. He remembered the earnestness of his wants, the stubbornness of his will, his butler chasing after him and nodding his head as he offered a ride. He remembered the car spinning, the back of his butler’s head as the lights of everything outside the car flashed in a spin. He could remember all the muted sounds of the accident, every crash and boom of his world ending. But despite all this, he swore he could hear the crack of his butler’s neck as the car hit the asphalt and he was thrown of his seat. And all he could remember was the butler’s eyes as he offered Myungsoo a ride. Eyes of someone oblivious to the fact that he was a dead man.

He killed him, Myungsoo realized, he killed his butler. He killed him from the moment he decided to go off the villa that night. He wanted to wrap his head around this, but his memories kept flashing and flashing and  flashing. So fast, so cluttered, so painful he could not bear it. He was almost aware of falling under the weight of his memories, but all he could see was flashes of white, and burst of pain that came with it.

At lunch, when Suji strode out to fetch her car, Myungsoo was there. It shocked her a little to see him standing in front of her car, resting his weight against the hood, and she tried to remember what business she had with him. But there was none. She cocked her head to the side as she approached him, thinking what might have caused him to come like this when he never meet someone if it had nothing to do with business.

But when she looked at him again--the hunched back; the bent knees--it seemed like something was wrong. She realized that he was not standing directly in front of her car, he was further in front of it, as if he was passing by and he was just pausing for something. He was not lightly resting his weight on the hood either, he was leaning on it--grabbing it--as if his life depended on it. That was when she realized he was slowly sliding to the ground, his free hand clutching his head.

"Myungsoo!" She screeched his name as she ran frantically to his side, panic rising in , "Myungsoo, what's wrong?"

When it was clear that he could not stand, Suzy moved to support him.

“Oh my God. Now what? Now what?” She was screeching and the scene might have been funny, if there was anyone who knew them, had witnessed it: the debonair man was out of his mind sagging against the usually uptight woman who was halfway on her way to the ground due to his dead weight and hyper ventilating.

She heard him groaned gutturally, the sound scared her out of her already scattering wits.

“Oh my God. Are you dying Myungsoo? Please don't die on me.” She whispered sharply to the unconscious man as she dragged him to the back of her car. She did not know how she managed the dead weight, maybe it was her panic, maybe it was due to the hidden strength she hid beneath her sinewy bones, but within minutes Myungsoo was at the back of the car and she shut the door tight.

Now what? She thought as she wrung her empty hands on her sides, bouncing on her heels. Someone. That’s it. She needed someone. She managed to fish out her phone and quickly sped dialed the first number on her list. Sungyeol. Yes, that’s right. Sungyeol would know Myungsoo’s conditions. He would know what to do.

Pick up, please. Pick the freaking phone up. He might have picked it up within his usual three rings but it had felt like a lifetime and she was not in her right mind to have counted them.

“Suzy-ah,” Sungyeol said quickly after he picked up, his voice hushed, “I’m a little busy, now, I’ll call you back later, oka--”

“Sungyeol!” Suzy screamed frantically before he could end the call. There was a pause on the other end of the line.

Right, the car.

“Sungyeol?! Are you there?! Can you hear me?” She shouted towards the phone, her panic rising again as she opened the door of the driver’s seat and started the car.

“I’m sorry sir, my deepest regrets… It’s a very important call you see… Give me a moment…. “

Suzy could hear Sungyeol’s voice on the other end and let out a shaky breath.

“Why? What happened? Where are you?” Sungyeol burst into questions at once, his voice on the edge of worry.

“It’s Myungsoo! I don’t know! He-- he just-- I don’t know! He--”

“Suzy, calm down. Pick the phone up. I can’t hear you properly.”

Suzy picked up the phone from the dashboard. “I picked up the phone.” She said plainly.

“Ok, good. Now breathe.”

Suzy took in a breath.

“And tell me properly. What happened?”

“It’s Myungsoo! He just collapsed suddenly and--”

“WHAT?!” Sungyeol burst, feeding onto her panic.

“I don’t know! I don’t know! I DON’T KNOW!” Suzy screamed, tears almost burning her eyes as she grabbed a fistful of her hair and turned to look at Myungsoo.

“Okay, okay Suzy calm down. You have to take him to the hospital.”

“Hospital? Hospital where?!” She whirled around in her driver’s seat to look at Myungsoo. He was breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling visibly.

“Alright, did you get him in the car?” Sungyeol asked, his words drawling out as if it would make Suzy calmer.

“Yeah I did--”

“Alright, now get in the car.”

“Yes I did--”

“Put me on loudspeaker, mind you.”

“Okay,” Suzy said shakily.

“Okay calm down, you have to drive out now, alright?”

“Okay.” She managed as she put her phone on the dash, her engine and gripped the steering wheel hard. Then, she let go of thee foot brake, steered out of the parking lot and out of the hotel grounds.

“Are you calm now?” Sungyeol asked.

“Yeah, I think I can manage it,” Suzy said, although her voice still trembled.

“Okay, then, I’ll call you back later and--”

“SUNGYEOL!” Suzy screeched. Don’t leave me alone, you bastard.

At that exact moment, Myungsoo started groaning. Suzy wanted to whirl around to see his condition and then realized halfway that she was driving.

“Sungyeol, wait,” her breaths started coming out in hitches again and she suddenly did not know where she was or where is was going.

“Sungyeol, wait.”

“I’m still here,” Sungyeol said, his voice calm, “I’m still here, alright?”

“I don’t know how to get to the hospital. I don’t know how to get there,” Suzy said, her legs shaking as she waited for the traffic light to turn green.

“Where are you now?”

“At the intersection outside of the hotel.”

“Okay, good. Just take the next right turn and go straight until you see the highway okay and exit the first exit you see. It's not far, you'll reach it ten minutes if the roads are clear. We'll just hope that they are.”

She huffed. To be honest, she could not remember in great details what his chatter had been about. It might have been him giving her directions and calming her down enough for her to drive safely.

It might have taken longer than ten minutes but she had braked her car to a sudden stop in front of the hospital entrance. She almost cried in relief. Her earlier suppressed panic mashed into an overwhelming sense of fear, worry, and guilt. Someone tapped her windows furiously. Right, get Myungsoo out. Get him out.

She unlocked the doors and things went pretty quick then.

“Name?”

“Myungsoo. Kim Myungsoo.”

“Do you know his identification card number? Miss?”

“No, but I know his birthday and address.” Suji recited the information with efficiency she did not know she had at that moment.

“Wheel him in quick. He’s under Dr. Lee. They are waiting for him. He's a private patient.”

It took her a moment to process it. Waiting for him? How had they known?

After they wheeled Myungsoo in, Suzy belatedly realised that she had to park the car. She then wove her way into the hospital to wait in front of the A&E unit. She could not know how long had passed before Sungyeol came rushing in, spotted her and half walked, half ran towards her. As Suzy stood up, Sungyeol seized her shoulders, taking her in and spinning her around.

“You alright?” He asked as he does so, “Nothing happened to you?”

It was as if she was admitted to the A&E, not Myungsoo. “It’s Myungsoo you have to be worried about,” she said, although as she said this, she could feel the tremors coursing throughout her whole body, feel Myungsoo’s hot, feverish skin as she lifted him, hear his senseless voice as he groaned in her backseat. Suzy shuddered.

“He’s still in there?” Sungyeol asked, his chin jerking in the direction of the room.

“I don’t know. They haven’t said anything.”

“Wait, I’ll ask.” He made a gesture, palms out, asking her to wait there as he walked briskly to the information counter and exchanged a few words with the woman working behind it. Then, he walked back to her, briskly as he had gone, and said, “They just moved him to a ward. Come on.”

“I have to go back to work, Sungyeol,” she said, and swallowed her shame as she did so. She did not want to go, but she was not sure if her absence from work was a good thing either.

“Oh,” Sungyeol said. He had a way of hiding his disappointment, tucking it away so quickly you won’t be able to catch it if you were looking. But Suji saw it nonetheless.

“I’ll come here as soon as I’m done,” Suji said.

“Alright, I’ll see you then,” Sungyeol said. But he was already turning away towards the lifts. And Suzy did not know if it was her, or him who appeared more lonely.

-------------------

Sunggyu came a little bit after the sun set that day, when Jiyeon was the busiest. He came to the counter, leaned over it and waited to get Jiyeon’s attention. Jiyeon tore her gaze away from the cash register, gave a meaningful look to her friend and co-owner, Eunjung and proceeded to where Sunggyu stood at the counter.

“Myungsoo’s been hospitalised,” he said without much of a preamble, his fingers folded neatly on top of the counter, his gaze inscrutable.

Jiyeon was surprised but did not know what to make of this information. What did Sunggyu expect? Did he expect her to come visit him as if nothing happened?

Her confusion must have been apparent on her face because Sunggyu said, “Would you like to come with me to visit him?”

There was a string of words forming in her head, a number of different ways to reject his offer. He doesn’t even know me, she could say. But the truth was that she was afraid that she would not recognise him. That all his glimmer and his perfection would bury his youth. That she would look at him now and see the boy he used to be in every of his arm, every movement his breaths, and never see the glint of familiarity in his eyes.

But then she thought of her own words to Sunggyu, conveyed in sadness and disappointment and dismay. And maybe a little bit of hope, only if we made an effort to. Is that not what Sunggyu was making now? An effort?

So she signed to him, after I close my shop?

Sunggyu nodded. “I’ll meet you then. After I run my errands.”

And he turned to go.

When he came back later that evening, the shop was much less busy, only a few customers lounging around the tables and chairs across the room. Jiyeon handed the shop to Eunjung, who assured her that it was okay to go, and went off to follow Sunggyu.

Sunggyu had parked his car across from the shop, a silver Audi, and Jiyeon climbed in the passenger side as Sunggyu slid in the driver's seat. “Suzy and Sungyeol are already there,” he said as he turned off the engine and drove out of the parking lot.

“They have been there for the whole day, you know. I heard they even brought their work stuff with them.”

Sunggyu was not really expecting an answer so Jiyeon remained still. It was hard to sign while he was driving anyway.

“Suzy was the one who brought him there,” Sunggyu said, filling her in.

“And Sungyeol was the one who called me, that guy.” Sunggyu signalled and turned left, his eyes flitting to the rear view mirror, “he’s got good sense.”

But she heard his thoughts as crisp as if they were her own. It hadn't been them, Sunggyu and Jiyeon, who were there for Myungsoo. Like every other time, such realisations were getting more frequent but it did not reduce the sting that came with it.  

“Can’t expect anything much from that Myungsoo, you know.” Sunggyu muttered. But the way he had said it was cautious, as if skirting around what he could and could not say because truthfully he did not know Myungsoo as much as he used to.

It was silent all the way throughout and Jiyeon watched Sunggyu drive all the way to the hospital parking lot. As they walked to the lift lobby, Sunggyu said, “Should have brought flowers or something but something tells me the guy wouldn’t appreciate it.”

Jiyeon smiled, and Sunggyu smiled back indulgently. The lift came and they strode in, Sunggyu traced over the floors and wards written beside the buttons muttering, “Ward 63.. 63… 63… ah here it is.” The 7th floor was pressed and the door closed.

Suddenly, in the dim stillness of the lift, Jiyeon felt her stomach clench. The reality of what she was doing finally sunk and she could not quite wrap her mind around the fact that she was meeting Myungsoo. But she looked at Sunggyu, all lines and broad shoulders and polite civility, and was relieved that she was not actually going alone. And then, she appreciated that Sunggyu had always been like this to her: a comfort. Her spirits lifted. Maybe their friendship was not lost after all, just buried under the weight of time.

The lift door opened and both of them waited a heartbeat before striding out, Sunggyu muttering, “Room 23…”

They found the room right around the corner and stood in front of it, both hesitant. Jiyeon looked at Sunggyu and he looked back, clearly feeling the same kind of nervousness of seeing someone that they had not seen for a long time. Sunggyu’s lips thinned as he gripped the door handle and then finally, he opened it.

Three heads shot up as the door opened, two male and one female, each occupying their own corner of the room. Suzy sat in the far corner, on the sofa nearest to the window, sitting cross legged with her laptop rested lightly half on her calves, half on the sofa. Papers were splayed all over the sofa, a leather bound folder resting precariously on the edge. Sungyeol was on the opposite side of the bed, his feet propped up on another chair, his fingers hovering over his keyboard, as if halfway typing through a document before the door opened. Myungsoo was standing near the counter where the kettle and coffee packets were, one hand on the kettle and the other on the mug. There was a heartbreaking aura about him. As if someone tore him apart piece by piece and he had put himself back together haphazardly, not quite whole.

It was like a den in here. In the stunned silence, Sunggyu strode in. “Good to see you, man.” He said, and Jiyeon was unsure to whom he said it to, but Sungyeol nodded. Suzy gave a half nod, tore her gaze towards her laptop and then back up again, unsure if she should work now that Sunggyu was in the room. Myungsoo continued about his business of making coffee. When he was shuffling back to his bed, Jiyeon walked in cautiously.

The one who seemed most surprised to see Jiyeon, unexpectedly, was Sungyeol. His face flickered into recognition as Jiyeon walked in, a split second before he jumped out his chair, his laptop almost falling in the process. “Jiyeon?”

Jiyeon’s eyes uncontrollably went to the man near the counter and saw him hover the kettle mid-pour over his mug when he heard the question. Her name.

Then Sungyeol looked around the room, as if asking for an explanation from anyone who would bother explain.

“Stop acting so shocked, alright, she’s just here to visit Myungsoo,” Suzy said as she pointed a chair for Sunggyu to sit. “They were good friends,” she added as an afterthought.

Myungsoo raised his head at this as he sat on the bed. His silence was dark, and his gaze intense.

“Well, somebody could have told me,” Sungyeol said as he sat back down. “Jiyeon you can take this chair.”

“Well, what do you know,” Sunggyu’s sentence was more of a sigh, said with a voice thick with nostalgia, “It’s just like we’re back in high school isn’t it, with all these old faces.”

Jiyeon settled into her seat, saying nothing.

“Where do I come in, then?” Sungyeol asked.

“You were never in the picture, Sungyeol,” Suzy said.

“Which high school were you from, then?” Sunggyu asked, leaning back in his chair as he looked at Sungyeol, his right hand resting lightly on the back on his head.

“Wilkinson Academy.”

Sunggyu gave an appreciative whistle and Suzy sat up straighter, “You were from an international school?”

“What are you then? American?”

“No, my parents thought it would be a good joke to send me there.” Sungyeol waved his hand dismissively.

“So, Seoul University accepted you, no problem?” Sunggyu asked. It was more of a statement than a question really.

“Yeah, he even took a double degree course,” Suzy muttered.

“What course were you from then, Suzy? Business?”

“Yeah.”

“Seoul University?”

“Yeah. Oh that’s right, I heard Myungsoo also took double degree.”

Everyone’s head turned to Myungsoo, who flitted his eyes all over the room, taken aback to find the attention on him.

“Nah, he just took business.” Sunggyu said, “But he did reject Harvard to go to Cambridge.”

“How about you, Jiyeon? Business too?” Sungyeol asked.

Yes. Korea University, Jiyeon signed.

Seeing Sungyeol’s confused face, Sunggyu translated, “Korea University. Wow,” at this point he was shaking his head incredulously, “Smartasses, all of you. I feel like a misfit in this room.”

“But you’re an art major!” Suzy pointed, “And I can barely draw a tree.”

At this, Sungyeol laughed, “Believe me, she tried.”

“Oh, what’s this?” Sunggyu looked between Suzy and Sungyeol, “You guys are going out, then?”

“What? What’s the link, even?” Suzy screamed indignantly.

Sungyeol looked at Sunggyu meaningfully, “Not-- yet.” Then he gave Sunggyu a wink, “But I bet I can ask you for advice if I need it.”

“I’m afraid the only advice I can give you is how to draw a metre radius from you and a girl.”

“A metre isn’t that far. We’ll take it step by step, yeah?” Sungyeol said, and gave him another wink. Sunggyu laughed.

“Boys,” Suzy muttered, and gave a painful look at Jiyeon to which she replied with a grave nod.

“What about you, Myungsoo? You’re so quiet,” Sunggyu threw the ball lightly to Myungsoo, but Myungsoo did not even make a move to make it continue rolling. He just stared back at Sunggyu, his expression, his expression curious. Almost disconcerting.

“I wonder if you put Jiyeon and Myungsoo together, who does all the talking?” Sungyeol said.

Myungsoo does, Jiyeon wanted to say. Or rather, used to. But the timing was off, and the chance was gone. The room went silent and Myungsoo continued to stare at Sunggyu for another curious, detached moment before saying, “I was angry with you.”

He said this in an uncertain manner, as if it was more of a question rather than a statement. Jiyeon found this to be so uncharacteristic of Myungsoo, his defined air gone, his confidence faded into ruin. And suddenly, she was so worried for him.

Sunggyu did not know what to make of this as he met Myungsoo’s gaze. “You were angry at everything, Myungsoo. Even your parents.”

But he was not saying something and the room knew it. Unspoken words hung in the air, tense, coiled. This was what became of us then, friendships lost beyond repair. Old faces and old memories, but new people and new territories.

“Alright, I think we invaded too much on Myungsoo’s hospitality tonight,” Sungyeol said as he rose from his chair. This seemed to hit an unpause button and everyone started moving. The room became a flurry of movement as Suzy gathered her papers, the rest of them rising and correcting the positions of their chairs.

“The hospital is finalizing their report. I’ll send them to you by tomorrow, Myungsoo.” Sungyeol’s voice was weary as he said this, as if the already had too much on his hand. Myungsoo did not nod, but his eyes flitted slightly to show that he had heard.

“It was nice to meet you again, Myungsoo.” Sunggyu said uncomfortably from where he hovered near the door. Myungsoo’s gaze shifted to Sunggyu, and then to Jiyeon, and then to her surprise, he nodded.

“Alright, let’s all go!” Sungyeol announced. “Suzy, quick.”

“Just a moment,” she replied as she gathered the last of her papers. Myungsoo’s gaze moved over to Suzy and Jiyeon was out of the room before he could look at her again.

“Myungsoo, I don’t know if you remember,” Suzy said, after all the rest had gone out of the room, “but I was your batch’s head prefect back in high school and I knew some things that most other people don’t.”

Myungsoo looked up at Suzy, his face a restrained storm.

“I just thought you would want to have this,” Suzy said and handed him a few pieces of paper, crumpled and stiff from the evidence of time, “maybe it will help you remember.”

Suzy bowed slightly to Myungsoo and was gone from the room in an instant, leaving silence in her wake when just a moment ago the room was filled with voices. Myungsoo looked at the paper between his hands.

Voiceless Cries

Composed by Kim Myungsoo and Park Jiyeon

He glanced over the notes, written so neatly and meticulously in a penmanship other than his own, and he felt a little uncomfortable. It was as if he was reading a diary, as if someone was pouring his life out in these pieces of paper and he was intruding on it.

He looked at the title, Park Jiyeon, and traced his fingers over the name. Distantly, he heard Suzy, Sungyeol, and then his own cousin calling the name “Jiyeon”, as if it meant nothing to them, as if they knew her from inside out, as if they called her every day.

He tested the feel of her name in his mouth, the roll of his tongue as the syllables tumbled out and imagined her looking up from the corner of the room where she was perched just now. He imagined her eyes looking at him, the glint of familiarity crossing over it and settle into place as she fixed her gaze at him.

Park Jiyeon.

Then, he thought of the rest of them. Of Sunggyu leaning back against his hand, of Suzy sitting cross legged on the sofa, attention caught between work and the conversation, of Sungyeol looking at Sunggyu in a slightly revered fashion.

Circumstances, he thought, as he leaned his head back against the pillow, is a curious thing.