“And you love him, yes?”

“Yes! But I-I want-”

“I want you to stop this. It’s not right, Yunho. Thoughts like these, don’t harbor them. They’re dangerous. I’d hate to see something happen to you, to Jaejoong out of this.”

Yunho waved a careless hand, assuming a light tone of voice, trying to regain himself. “Don’t be dramatic, Dr. Mead. I was just saying-”

But right at that moment, Jaejoong burst through the door, proudly holding a small toy, shaped like a duck for Yunho to see. He practically slammed himself into Yunho’s arms, pushing the young man into the wall. Yunho couldn’t help but laugh and the moment before was lost.
* * *
Burying his face in Yunho’s chest, Jaejoong proudly held up the small plastic duck he had found in the prize basket.

Still trying to regain his balance from the blast of Jae’s hug, Yunho, half stumbling and still laughing, reached up and took the toy from his brother’s hand.

“Mi phwicked mit mor Zhunshu,” mumbled Jaejoong, his words muffled beyond recognition through Yunho’s shirt.

Gently, Yunho slipped his hand under Jae’s chin, and lifted his brother’s face. The dark eyes were bright and shone with such a light that for one moment, despite the doctor being right there, Yunho lost himself to his thoughts-to his emotions.

This was his brother. Young and innocent beyond words. Those things he had said a few minutes before, those thoughts harbored unjustly, unworthily of one who professed to love his sibling-seemed cruel now. Looking at Jaejoong, his eyes blossoming with such excitement just because he had been absent Yunho for little over an hour, Yunho felt a terrible prickling sensation well up within him. Suddenly, how much he wanted to clasp Jae to himself to say he was sorry. Sorry for his harshness.

Yet, with a hard swallow, Yunho turned his thoughts back to the moment.

And at this moment, Jae held a small plastic toy up proudly for Yunho to see.

“What is that you’ve got, Jae?”

“It’s a duck. I picked it for Junsu. I’m going to give it to him tonight at Boy’s Night.”

“Somehow,” Yunho began, examining the small toy, “I think he’ll like it a lot.”

With a decided nod of the head, Jaejoong slipped the toy carefully into his pocket, making sure it was as far down as possible, so as not to fall out. Having done that, Jae sought Yunho’s hand in his own and waved goodbye to the doctor.

Dr. Mead laughed and waved goodbye as well. But while he offered Jae a cheerful wave of the hand and a smiling expression he, in the very next glance, and unnoticed by Jae, who was again checking to see if the toy duck still remained in his pocket, Dr. Mead turned to Yunho a stern expression. True, he saw the young man’s face change, his body relax when Jaejoong came flying into the room; yet, Yunho’s words of earlier unsettled him. And now, as the two were leaving and the doctor knew it would be a month again before he saw them, turned a hard glance on Yunho.

And Yunho, suddenly ashamed, could barely meet that gaze.
* * *
Back in the car, Jaejoong bubbled happily about all the ways Dr. Mead examined him. He explained how brave he was when the doctor said he needed his finger prick and though it was tremendously painful, painful beyond all human expression, Jaejoong did not cry. And then when the doctor had him open his mouth as wide as he could, and he stuck that scratchy popsicle stick back into his throat, Jaejoong explained how he chocked and coughed, but he didn’t complain. The doctor said he really deserved his prize today. Dr. Mead said he was his best patient.

Yunho listened. Well, he listened to about half the things Jae said; he had heard this before. In fact, he heard this story every time they came back from the doctor. For while Jae may have acted like two heavy stones were tied to his feet before going in to see Dr. Mead, when he came out, one would have thought, listening to him, that he had donated his liver without being asked. As Yunho listened, nodding every now and then, uttering soft exclamations when Jae paused, he suppressed a small smile. What a thing their trip to the doctor was.

As they drove back home, spending much time sitting in rush hour traffic as it was by this time, early evening, Yunho’s mind began to click away. Tonight was Boy’s Night and there were several things he needed to get ready before he and Jae headed over to Yoochun’s for the evening. First of all, Yunho was always in charge of the food and this was mostly because when he and Yoochun had first started this years ago, there had been some times when Jaejoong flat out refused to eat what was placed in front of him. It was very quickly decided that Yunho should always be in charge of what the meal would be for the night. And here, sitting at the same stoplight for nearly twenty minutes, Yunho knew what was on the menu tonight. Pizza. Quick. Easy. And he would not have to cook it.

Good. One thing solved.

His car moving at a barely perceptible pace now, the young man’s mind switched over to the next item to be reckoned. He wondered if it was worth it to go home, or if he should just drive straight on over to Yoochun’s. Going over there right now, well as fast as traffic permitted, would mean that the evening could start earlier and then Yunho could get Jae home in time to go to bed early enough, to get up for school the next day. In the past, there had been several times when Yunho and Jae stayed the night because things had gotten going too late. And it was no use to say to Jae that they might have to skip one of the rituals of Boy’s Night. That was not an option. For Jae, every moment, from the time he walked in the door, to the popcorn during the movie, was essential. Yet, at the same time, Yunho wanted to go home and drop off Jae’s medicine and gather a few things he may want later. And of course, if he did stop at home, then he could snatch a change of clothes to bring along in case they did end up staying the night.

Decision number two made. Home first, then Boys’ Night.

Ruffling through the maze of Yunho’s thoughts, came Jaejoong’s soft voice.

“Yunho?”

“Hmm,” mumbled the young man, yanking himself out of his baffling reverie.

“Are you excited tonight is Boy’s Night?”

“Sure, Jae. I’m looking forward to it.”

“Me too,” sighed Jaejoong, patting the toy still in his pocket and looking dreamily out the window.

Glancing over at Jaejoong, Yunho smiled, thinking back on just how this evening of male bonding got started.

How many years ago was it now? Four? Five? Actually, the whole ritual had started more out of a need than anything else. At that time, Yunho was in between jobs and going out to interviews and applying to different companies all over the city was difficult, given that Jaejoong did not understand why his brother was absent nearly every afternoon.

Worried about Jae‘s growing anxiety, Yunho was desperate to find a way to keep him occupied during those hours he needed to be out. At the time, Yoochun was newly moved into a townhouse with his old college room mate, Kim Junsu. The two were ecstatic to finally be in an area of town where friends could actually come over and quickly offered to Yunho to take Jae for as long as he needed on those evenings.

The offer was more than Yunho could have wanted. At the time, he was seriously considering having Jae spend those hours with his Aunt. However, Yunho was reluctant to do that as she had never seemed to learn how to deal with her disabled nephew. Her method was to feed Jae with everything sweet that he desired and pile in front of him every new fun toy and gadget to play with. Anything to keep him occupied and quiet-and out of her way. And whenever Jaejoong came back from her house, he seemed nervous and distraught.

Oftentimes Yunho had marveled over her stupidity. He marveled over anyone who thought that children with disabilities were unaware of the way others treat them They may not be able to explain it, to put it into words, but they knew, just as well as anyone else, when they were not wanted.

So, at Yoochun’s offer, Yunho was quick to accept. And what started out as a favor, eventually grew into a weekly routine where all four of them gathered and spent time, very much enjoyed, together.
* * *
Standing outside the door to Yoochun’s, Jaejoong fairly hopped up and down, first on one foot, then on the other, then on both, he was so excited. His impatience for Yoochun to open the door led him to knock every two seconds or so.

From the inside, Yunho heard Yoochun’s laugh, as he neared the door.

“Hey,” he called from inside, his tone pure play, “I think someone’s at the door. Who is it?”

Jaejoong’s cheeks were flushed he was so excited. “It’s us,” he squealed. “It’s US!”

“Who is us,” asked Yoochun.

Nearly gasping for breath by now, Jaejoong struggled to reply. And Yunho, seeing the sweat starting from his brow, quickly called out, “Open this door, Yoochun before Jae explodes!”

The door swung open.

Jaejoong, laughing deliriously, practically fell into Yoochun’s arms. The young man, laughing at Jae’s glee, acknowledged Yunho with a happy look.

Yunho, on the other hand, while he was glad to see his best friend, responded with an irritated glance; he was aggravated Yoochun nearly had Jae in hysterics.

No words were needed between them on this and Yoochun nodded quickly, as if to apologize.

Coming out of the kitchen, Junsu appeared, smiling at all the commotion. Instantly, Jaejoong saw him and dashed over, digging in his pocket for the toy.

Proudly, he handed it to Junsu.

“Here,” Jae said, “Junsu, here! I-I picked it out just for you! It’s a present!”

The young man laughed-a laugh Yoochun and Yunho had tortured him about for years. “Wow! Jae, thanks! I like it a lot!”

Yunho came over to him, dropping a duffel bag onto the nearby couch. He clapped him playfully on the shoulder.

“Yea,” he said dryly, “I thought it might suit you, too.”

Junsu’s look was a knowing one. “Don’t start, Hyung.”

Between Yunho, Yoochun and Junsu there was one more thing that had been the subject of much conversation over the years. And no matter how many times Junsu begged they cease to bring it up, pleaded he was not as proud of it as they accused him of being-it was no use.

The joke stood.

Junsu filled out a pair of jeans better than most girls.

Jae, not understanding the moment passing between Junsu and his brother, declared he was hungry. Coming over to him, Yoochun said that he had already started making the salad, and if Yunho was ready, they could eat very soon.
Nodding, Yunho flipped out his phone and ordered the pizza while Yoochun went back into the kitchen to finish the salad. Jaejoong happily bounced his way over to the couch and began digging through the duffel bag Yunho had brought, in the hopes of finding his blanket, which he needed for the movie, later.

In the kitchen, while Yoochun mixed a simple dressing, Yunho started to lay out plates and glasses, making sure he grabbed a plastic glass for Jaejoong.

Too many times glasses filled to the brim slipped, toppled, tumbled out of Jae’s hands during dinner. Aside from there being a mess afterwards, Jae’s reaction to the glass spilling was engraved on Yunho’s memory.

One night, and this was the night plastic glasses were decided for Jae, the four of them were all seated at the table, eating and talking about-Yunho didn’t even remember what they were talking about now. But whatever it was, something struck Jaejoong as very funny. His laugh, soft and melodious bubbled up at first and the slender neck bent back in laughter.

Yunho saw the glass he held begin to tip and saw that a moment more would see the glass no longer in Jae’s hand, but on the floor.

Quickly, trying as well not to startle Jaejoong, Yunho leaned across the table, reaching for the glass. But he was not quick enough. And the glass slipped out of Jaejoong’s hands, tumbling on to the floor, breaking into countless pieces.

Yunho’s breath died in him.

It was not that Jae had made a mess. But when the glass fell, and Jaejoong saw it break, realizing that he had dropped it, that it was his fault-the fair face drained of all color, becoming an alarming ashen shade. And suddenly, with a cry, Jae dropped out of his chair, falling onto the floor, reaching for the shards of glass, as if to put them together.

And as if struck by lightening, Yunho lunged out of his chair and caught Jae, with some violence, up in his arms. Crying and fighting to break free of his brother’s grasp, Jae pawed the air, trying desperately to get back on the floor and fix his mistake. Yoochun and Junsu were quickly to their feet and helped Yunho wrestle Jae to another room, so that he could no longer see the broken glass and stood a chance of calming down.

Somehow, they did calm him down. Yunho didn’t really care to remember how.

“Hey,” said Yoochun. “You okay?”

Yunho looked up, realizing he had been standing motionless, holding the plastic glass for some time.

Looking up, the young man saw concern on his friend’s face.

“Ha! Yea, I’m fine. I was just think-”

Junsu popped in. “Hey, Yunho! Jae wants to start the movie. Can I put it on for him?”

“What is it,” Yunho quickly, thinking about the time Junsu picked a horror film and Yunho spent every night for a week at the foot of Jaejoong’s bed, fighting off the monsters.

“It’s some kiddie movie. Don’t worry.”

“But he does worry,” responded Yoochun noticing the queer expression on Yunho‘s face. “Sometimes you don’t think with your upper half, Roomie.”

Junsu’s small mouth curled up.

“Well at least I have a half to think-”

But somehow, the retort not coming off as he hoped it would, Junsu stopped midway and only managed to come back with, “The pizza’s probably ready. Jae will want to go. Yunho, shouldn’t you get going?”

Sighing, placing the plastic cup down on the counter, Yunho replied. “How ‘bout you get it tonight, Junsu-ah. Jae will get a kick going with you.”

“But-you always-”

“Yea, I always get it. You do it, tonight.”

Peering quizzically at Yunho for a moment, Junsu seemed confused. Inquiringly, he cast a quick glance to Yoochun, as if to find the answer. Yoochun shook his head.

And with a shrug, Junsu nodded, calling Jae to go with him as he walked out of the kitchen.