And Yunho, with all the care of a father lifting his child, disturbed by a bad dream, lifted Jaejoong into his arms and said, “Okay, Jae. Let’s go home.”
* * *
With Yoochun and Junsu behind him, carrying the duffel bag and Jae’s blanket, Yunho walked out of the apartment, Jaejoong in his arms, and made his way carefully down the stairs and into the parking lot outside.

His thoughts were few. At the moment, his only real concern was to get Jae in the car and drive back home, without any event. All he wanted Pushing both Yoochun and Junsu out of the way, Yunho grabbed Jaejoong, pressing his brother’s body as close to him as he could.

His words, barely audible through Jae’s cries, were simple. He spoke them, resting his cheek against Jae’s.
“Jaejoong. Jaejoong. I’m here. I’m here. It’s all okay.”
Again and again, as if it were some sort of lullaby, Yunho repeated these words over and over.

Over and over. And, as if their utterance bore with it the most calming of perfumes, Jaejoong cries drifted away.

to do was slip Jaejoong into the seat, hoping that the drive and the feel of fresh air against his flushed cheeks would calm him down further. He hoped that being outside of the apartment, of having a change of scenery would continue to soothe Jae until Yunho could get him home and get him into bed.

And as he walked through the parking lot, nearing the car, Yunho felt a gentle pressure against his chest as Jaejoong dropped his head onto Yunho’s . And as his head fell, as the dark eyes closed, Yunho heard him sigh, softly, contentedly.

At the car, Junsu, still upset that his words had been the ones to send Jae into a fit, reached quickly to open the door for Yunho. He knew, deep down, that Yunho did not blame him for what happened. He knew that, really, he did not even need to apologize; this kind of thing had happened before and would no doubt happen again.

Yet, the sound of Jaejoong’s voice as he cried out for Yunho, the sound of that fair voice as it cracked and shrieked for his brother still rung in his ears, still clear, still loud. The sound reached in him with a cold touch and Junsu could not help but shiver.

And the look on Jae’s face, the look of absolute panic, the likes of which Junsu had not seen before, though he had known Jae for years, remained bright in front of his eyes. That image of the lovely face, twisted and stiff, an unnatural flush steeping alarmingly throughout his cheeks, his neck, only to drain away, leaving a frightening pallor was vivid in front of Junsu, so much so that he feared his dreams tonight.

So, as he reached out to open the door for Yunho, Junsu tried to meet the young man’s gaze, tried to offer some look of apology. And though Yunho’s thoughts were all for Jaejoong, he saw the alarmed expression on his friend’s face, saw the hurt in the round eyes, usually so full of mirth, and though it was brief, Yunho turned and smiled at Junsu, as if to say it was all right.

He didn’t blame Junsu for what happened. It wasn’t his fault. The siren wailed from outside, waking Jae and Junsu just had the misfortune to come in the room right then. He didn’t blame him. He couldn’t blame him for too many times he had been the one. Too many times Yunho had been the one whose words came at the wrong time. Too many times it had been the words from his mouth to hurt Jaejoong, to frighten him. How could he blame Junsu when he, Jae’s brother, the one who professed to love him best in all the world had been the one to blame too many times before?

No. This was no one’s fault. Except, and here Yunho’s mind fought not to dwell on this now, not to linger on blame when he had so much else to think about-but if there was someone to blame-it was him. His thoughtlessness to leave when he knew, of course, that Jaejoong may wake up was unbelievable. He knew that any little sound woke Jaejoong; he knew that the first face Jae needed to see was his-Yunho!
He knew all that, and yet, still left, claiming some high-minded idea that he just had to get things done, that his own agenda couldn’t wait. His brother’s needs could wait; there was laundry to get done! Really, it was almost funny.

And if Jae did not remain in his arms now, if that delicate mouth did not tremble now, and the slender hands shake-then Yunho would be able to smile at himself. Yet, as it was, all he could manage to do was push the blame he lay on himself back, telling himself that Jae needed him right now more than his own selfishness did.

Bending down, Yunho lay Jaejoong into the seat of the car as tenderly as a father lays their child down to sleep. Jaejoong reached for him, unwilling as of yet, to no longer have Yunho’s arms around him, to no longer rest against that chest, to hear the steady sound of Yunho’s heart beat, the rhythm of which had lulled him to sleep so many nights before. Jaejoong reached up for Yunho, caught his brother’s face in his slender hands and murmured a small whimper, the large dark eyes pleading-not yet, not yet. Please just a moment more.

And Yunho, trying to stifle the throb that clutched at his heart, that made it hard to breathe, lay his hands atop Jaejoong’s and took those slender white hands, still shaking somewhat, and brought them to his mouth. And Yunho, holding his brother’s hands in his own, placed a gentle kiss upon each hand only to lay them back down into Jae’s lap with a few soft words. He then reached for the blanket Yoochun still held and draped it around Jaejoong, tucking him in.

With his brother now safely in he car, Yunho closed the door, careful to look first that Jaejoong did not try and reach for him again. Walking around to the driver’s side, Yunho waved to both Yoochun and Junsu, smiling at both, trying to reassure both his friends that everything was alright. And having done that, Yunho got in his car and drove off into the late night air.

Very little traffic remained on the road at this hour and the street seemed to stretch out endlessly, only lit at long intervals by tall streetlamps, whose pools of light were faded and yellowing. And in this world of dark quiet, in this place where one can hear the wind as it rushed by the windows of the car, one entered a brief moment in time that only exists at night. Here, in a land where the sun slumbers on the other side of the hemisphere, one has only the light of the stars to rely upon. Only the light shinning dimly from those heavenly orbs is all that can be counted upon as the traveler makes his way back home.

Here, while all around rests peacefully asleep, one moves as if frightened to make too big a sound, hesitant to disturb the peace that surrounds them. Only here, at night, can a road stretch on and on, promising to never end, beckoning to be followed, endlessly on until the sun should rise again and the traveler sees their destination.
And in this world, Yunho took his first deep breath.

Driving along in the quiet of night, he relished being able to draw a long slow breath, filling his lungs entirely with air and clearing the mist from his mind. For in truth, since Junsu called him, it felt to the young man that the tower of reason he relied upon so much had collapsed. All the time he took to organize his thoughts, the thoughts that plagued him hour upon hour, in that one brief moment, had been for naught.

Two words. It’s Jae.

That was it. That was all it took. And in those two words, as fear seized him, Yunho felt as if his mind had been struck by a blast of cold wind that shattered everything. And as he drove to the apartment, only to see Jae in the throws of a fit, his mind was blank.

During that time Yunho operated on-what? Instinct? It was as if when his mind shut down, something much more basic clicked on. Reactions and decisions made then came from a place inside of him linked so closely to his brother that it was like breathing. No thoughts.

And it was this place that had brought Yunho through trials far worse than the one he suffered tonight. Locked deep within him, it was this place in the inner most recesses of Yunho that had pulled him and dragged him through times he thought he should not survive.

So, now, as if he opened his eyes for the first time since that phone call, as if he woke up from some strange stupor, Yunho took pleasure in drawing a long, slow breath.

By the time the young man pulled the car into the driveway, he turned to look at Jaejoong and saw, much to his relief, that Jaejoong had fallen asleep. The dear form was wrapped in the blanket, holding the woven comfort close to himself, as if the closer he was to the blanket, the more relief he found.

Coming to a careful stop, Yunho wondered if he should wake Jae up or pick him up and carry him into the house. Even though he was glad that Jae fell asleep in the car and hated to wake him up now, given all he had been through, Yunho did not want to carry him into the house.

Now, it was not as if he hadn’t done it before. In fact, Yunho prided himself in the economical manner in which he could carry Jae into the house, while still managing to lock the door to the car and open the door to the house. But what Yunho wanted to do was have Jae come in, get him cleaned up and get him to bed. If he were to carry his brother into the house now, none of that would get done. And then, Jae would not be clean the next day for school. No. Yunho would wake him.

So, getting out of the car, Yunho went over to the passenger side, opened the door, and knelt down alongside Jaejoong. And with a careful hand, the young man reached out to the cheek of his brother, as soft and as cool as the petals on a flower.

And he watched as the dark lashes, resting so tremulously upon skin that seemed lit with the very light of the moon itself, fluttered open and Yunho found himself staring into the dark liquid eyes of his brother. He felt himself fall then, into a midnight pool, sinking ever deeper into a depth so clear, so crystalline that it seemed as if he could fall forever and never lose sight of the sky.

How long he may have stayed like that, lost in Jaejoong’s eyes, Yunho did not wait to find out. A sense of time, an internal clock chiming the hour, the lateness of the night, urged him to move, tugged at his reverie.

With a shake of the head, Yunho smiled at Jaejoong, slipping one arm behind his brother’s back and helping him out of the car. Jaejoong, still half asleep, rose unsteadily to his feet, still clinging to his blanket, and nuzzled heavily against Yunho for support. And in a rather awkward manner, both of them made their way inside the house.

Once there, Yunho moved Jaejoong up the stairs, hoping that if he were quick enough, the drowsiness that clung to him now would last long enough to ease Jae back to sleep again.

So, possibly moving a little faster than Jaejoong was prepared for, Yunho hustled him out of his street clothes and sent him into the bathroom with the order to take a “full” shower, knowing full well that Jaejoong had more than once taken what would amount to “half” a shower-that is, a shower without soap. Grumbling softly, Jaejoong stumbled into the bathroom while Yunho reached into one of the drawers in Jaejoong’s room, pausing for a moment to make sure the water and he heard the odd sounds of Jae moving about in the shower.

Satisfied that his brother was indeed getting cleaned up, Yunho reached in the drawer and rummaged around for Jaejoong’s favorite pair of pajamas, the ones that no longer fit him well, but he refused to part with.

With those in hand, and another turn of the head to make sure Jaejoong was still washing up, Yunho hurried downstairs to get a tall glass of water for Jaejoong to drink and have in case he woke up in the middle of the night, as he had done often before.

Coming back upstairs, Yunho heard that the rushing sound of the water had stopped; Jaejoong was done with his shower. Casting a quick glance to the clock that hung from the wall, and be how late it really was, Yunho did not wait, as he usually did, for Jaejoong to brush his teeth on his own. Tonight, Yunho came in to the bathroom, still thick with steam, and urged Jaejoong to brush his teeth while he grabbed a brush and combed out the thick dark hair, still dripping wet.

Now, with his brother clean and fresh, Yunho handed off the best loved pajamas to Jaejoong, who upon seeing his favorite pair, the pair Yunho did not let him wear hardly at all, Jae chirped happily and hurried to get into them. And as he slowly placed each leg into the designated hole, Jaejoong looked up at Yunho, who stood waiting in the room, watching him.

“Yunho,” he asked, deciding that the pants were easier to get on if he sat down.

“Yea, Jae?”

“Yunho,” he began again, studying the pant leg and why his own leg seemed reluctant to go in.

“Yes Jae,” responded Yunho, coming over to Jaejoong and holding open the hole so his brother could slip his leg in.

“Yunho, can I sleep with you tonight?”

Jaejoong’s eyes were bright as he asked this. It was, without question, the best way to go to bed. To be next to Yunho, to feel the warmth from that body close to him, to be able to take a deep breath and know, once again, that Yunho smelled good. There was nothing like turning over and seeing that figure, the shoulders so wide and that chest that had been his pillow so many times, like a fortress where Jae was safe from anything that may go “bump” in the night.

Yunho sighed. In truth, he had thought of letting Jae sleep with him tonight given-everything. Yet, part of him balked at the idea. It was not that he minded Jae going to bed with him. But-but-somehow-Oh! It was so hard to put.

So hard to admit. To admit that maybe Jaejoong really needed to sleep with him. Like a child. Maybe there was part of him that would never really adjust to sleeping alone, like a child always prefers the bed of his parents to his own.

Of course it never left Yunho’s mind that his brother was a child, that he would never grow up. But to hear him ask, to have that pain snapped so quickly to the front of his mind, to have it pushed right in front of his eyes where he couldn’t deny it, where he couldn’t push it down and dwell, even sub-consciously, on that never-ending hope. The hope that someday-Jae would be. . .

But of course, standing there, looking at Jaejoong, his hair still wet and that slender body, a figure that might make a girl blush, clothed in pajamas one size too small-Yunho fought hard to swallow the painful lump that was rising in his throat.

Folly. A useless thought. Things would never change.

“Yunho?”

The young man shook his head. “Yea Jae. Yea, you can sleep with me tonight.”

With a bounce and some excited clapping, Jaejoong burst out of his room and into Yunho’s, tumbling onto his brother’s bed. The lovely face was bright and a sparkling light played in the brilliance of those dark eyes.

Telling Jae to get under the covers, Yunho said he would only be a minute in the bathroom. Happily, Jaejoong nodded and did as Yunho asked, slipping his feet under the coverlet, whispering something unheard as he did so.

And one may have wondered if Jaejoong in the near silence of his words, as his tender mouth moved in conversation with a voice unknown to the present world-one may have wondered if this prince, this elfin child, who fairness shamed starlight itself, spoke to voices more powerful than human conception could fathom. One may have questioned whether or not when Jae gazed up at the stars, as he so often did, if the twinkling orbs sparkled their magic words to him, a language no mortal would ever comprehend.

And just as he stepped into the bathroom, watching Jae again whispering something special, something Yunho never quite heard-the young man pondered that there, sitting in his bed, was not the offspring of man, but the gift between twilight and dawn.

But his poetic thought was a brief one before his eye caught the time the clock now read. And then, smiling to himself at the magnanimity of his fancifulness, Yunho shook his head and went into the bathroom closing the door.

Emerging in a swell of steam only a very few minutes later, Yunho looked to see if Jae had fallen asleep. But a giggle coming from Jae, who had now “disappeared” under the covers served as his answer. The giggle came again and Yunho saw a ripple of excitement pass through Jae’s body, outlined under the blankets.

Yunho smiled.

“Hmm,” he said very loudly. “I wonder where Jae went. I don’t see him anywhere.”

Yunho walked very noisily around to the side of the bed, listening to Jaejoong fairly cough from trying to hold in his laughter.

“Gosh,” Yunho continued, getting up on the bed. “I thought he was tired. But I guess not. Well, looks like I’ll just have to go to sleep-right here!”

And in saying that, Yunho flopped down over Jae, careful of course to not let his entire weight fall upon him.

Jaejoong squealed in delight, trying to kick the covers off and push Yunho off of him at the same time. And for several moments the two brothers thrashed around in the bed, Yunho tickling Jae who shrieked in pure delight only to have Jae try and push him down with all his might.

And for a few moments, the entire room rocked with laughter.

When at last Yunho saw Jae growing tired, when he felt the graceful hands shake as he tried to push, Yunho eased Jae back onto the pillows and slipped the covers, messed as they were, up over him. Then, getting out of the bed long enough to turn off the lights, Yunho spoke softly to his brother, whose breathing was steadily balancing out. He continued to speak softly to him as he climbed back in the bed, the entire room now dark, save for the pale light of the moon, drifting in from the window.

And right as Yunho felt sure that Jaejoong would be asleep in moments, he felt the mattress sink and saw, through the dimness, Jaejoong prop himself up on one arm, lean over to Yunho and kiss him, softly, tenderly, on the cheek with the words, his voice heavy with fatigue-

“I love you, Yunho.”

Yunho coughed. He felt a hot stinging sensation rise in his eyes.

And with words broken and imperfect, Yunho reached his arm around Jae, holding him close, and said, “Goodnight Jae. I-I love you too.”