Adrift: without guidance, purpose or support

“Come find us when you’re bored, okay?” Hyoyeon said to Jessica as she bid her goodbyes for the night.

“Unnie, you’re free the next few days, right? Will you come back and visit us? I have schedules during the day but I’ll be back in the evenings,” the doe-eyed girl told the cat-like girl.

“I’ll try. I’m going to get settled back home first, but Soojungie won’t be home for a few days since she’s overseas right now, I’ll probably come back and disturb you all,” the eldest American replied cheekily.

The girls were still fussing over her but one would expect nothing less when you’ve lived with someone for 6 years and shared the worst and best of times together; going through the struggles of debut to being the nation’s idol girl group. These girls shared a bond and closeness that sometimes couldn’t even be matched by their families.

“Do you really have to leave tonight? You’re leaving, Taeyeonie’s back home… Why don’t you wait until she gets back before you move. You have a few days to get that done,” asked the younger American.

“Uhm… yeah… well… I don’t know…” Jessica considered the notion.

“Well I didn’t realize all this would go down tonight…” she thought to herself.

“Come on… We’ll help you move tomorrow… How about that?” Tiffany sweetened the offer.

“Yes! I’m in!” Hyoyeon jumped in enthusiastically.

“We’re free too… Right, Soon Kyu-ah?” Yuri volunteered both herself and Sunny.

Sunny nodded happily.

“I want to help too, unnie but I have to go to campus and get some work done,” the youngest girl informed Jessica.

“I know… The rest of you kids have schedules tomorrow as well… Oh alright then… I’ll put it off until tomorrow. You girls better not ditch me!” Jessica caved to the request of her fellow members.

“We knew you would give in…” Sooyoung said smugly as she rested an arm around Jessica’s shoulder.

“Jess, come bunk in my room!” the mushroom said excitedly, using her eye smile to charm the other American again.

“Yah, what about me?” Jessica’s aegyo-filled roommate interrupted.

“Hey, I’m seriously moving in… So I guess I might as well start tonight…” the tallest girl answered.

Jessica snickered at the thought of the two rooming together.

“What’s so funny?” Sunny asked, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

“It’s just… well… the shortest and the tallest are rooming together… But you two will make a good pair; you’re both cheeky and loquacious,” the ice princess answered with a smirk.

“Yah! You’re not much taller than I am, okay… You’re just jealous because you know Sooyoung and I will have a fabulous time together,” the group’s energy pill countered.

“Yup, sorry Sica… I’m taking over your bed immediately. You’ll definitely have to bunk with Fany,” the shikshin added.

“Asa! You’re mine Jessica Jung!” Tiffany exclaimed excitedly, throwing her arms around her best friend’s shoulders and squeezing her into a bear hug.

In the midst of the excitement, Tiffany suddenly felt a sharp jab in her side and turned her head only to notice Yuri giving her the utter most displeased expression, causing her to let go of Jessica immediately.

Jessica was now giggling at the excitement of her best friend and hadn’t noticed the silent indignation.

“I don’t need you Kim Taeyeon… The other girls love me…” the ice princess thought spitefully.

The more Jessica thought about it, the more frustrated she got, but now, finally, she was over it. There was no use in dwelling over something so futile. Taeyeon was clueless and consumed by everything about the eye smiling girl. She had to face the truth; no matter how hard she tried, no matter how strong her feelings were for the kid leader, Jessica will never be number one in Taeyeon’s heart, she was sure of it. No matter. Jessica had had enough of it. She had tried her best to gain the favor of the eldest member to no avail. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can never win the heart of someone who has already given their heart away to someone else.

“Unnie, wae geurae?” the doe-eyed girl asked the dark-skinned girl, after noticing something was odd.

“Huh? Oh, nothing… nothing…” Yuri answered quickly. She hadn’t realized that someone was watching her.

“But you-“ Yoona started but was quickly cut off by the group’s black pearl.

“Fany-ah, why are you hogging my Sica?!”

“You girls are so silly…” Jessica shook her head at the playful drama.

“Too bad… I called dibs!” Tiffany grabbed the bag that was in Jessica’s hand and ran to her room but not before sticking her tongue out at Yuri.

“Uhm… I guess I’m really bunking in Fany’s room tonight…” Jessica said with a shrug.

This was exactly why Jessica couldn’t be mad at Tiffany even if she wanted to. The younger American was just so innocent and cheerful, and the fact that Tiffany still adored Jessica so much, how could she even begin to be angry at her best friend? It would be like being mad at a cute little puppy; it was just impossible, that is unless, of course, you’re a puppy hater.

“What time are you leaving tomorrow, unnie?” Yoona asked.

“What kind of question is that? You know Sica will probably get up after noon…” Hyoyeon answered on the ice princess’s behalf.

“I was just wondering… Anyway send our greetings to eomeoni and abeoji. We haven’t seen them in a while,” the alligator told the cat, giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek just like how Jessica’s own sister always does.

“I will. Alright, kids… thank you so much for helping me pack. Those of you who have schedules tomorrow better get to bed…” Jessica nagged as the current eldest member in the dorm but she could hardly keep a straight face and started giggling.

“Yah! Jung Sooyeon! Why are you still hanging around out there?” Tiffany called out as she came back out of her room.

“Hey, I’m hungry. Is anyone else up for a late night snack?” the shikshin asked, holding her skinny stomach.

“Call!” Sunny, Hyoyeon, Yuri and Yoona responded eagerly.

“Shall I whip up some of our curry fried kimbab?” the infamously strong yet skinny girl asked.

“Ohmigod, yes! Sounds like a great idea.” The dancing queen was so excited she almost broke out into a dance.

It had been awhile since the girls grouped together, chatted, snacked, and laughed late into the night. It was like they were back to their earlier days when people would still get them mixed up with Wonder Girls or KARA, and couldn’t tell between Yuri and Seohyun. Yoona and Hyoyeon, with the help of Sooyoung, cooked up a large batch of the curry fried kimbab with whatever leftovers they had whilst Sunny and Yuri went out to get some beers and soju. The girls figured that since it had been a while, they might as well go all out, at least for those who didn’t have schedules the next day anyway. The youngest member, on the other hand, decided to resume studying in her room in the meantime.

“It’s a shame Taeyeonie isn’t here, it just isn’t the same when one of us is missing…” Tiffany thought out loud.

“Ugh! Why does she always have to bring up Taeyeon?! Can’t they even be apart for a few hours?! Can’t she even go a few hours without bringing her up?! Are they really that madly in love that they can’t even bear to be apart for just a night?!” Jessica thought angrily.

Jessica felt indignation starting to creep in under her skin again. She wasn’t called the ice princess for nothing. Even though she could be sweet, loving and absolutely aegyo-filled around people she adored, she could also be short-tempered, hardheaded and unyielding when she was provoked. She told herself that she was over it, that she would move on, but could she? Or rather… did she really want to?  Despite everything, despite how hurt she was, despite how much she wanted to loath the kid leader, she could never really hate Taeyeon. Jessica was just heartbroken and she needed to vent; her emotions turning from one extreme to another. But this was exactly why moving out would be better for everyone. Jessica would get her space to heal and in turn she would, hopefully, find a way to be friends again with Taeyeon.

But she had to admit, it definitely wasn’t the same without the group leader. Even though Taeyeon had a rather difficult time accepting the responsibility of being the group’s leader in the beginning, she had grown to be quite the formidable leader; not through fear but through her care for her members and her own talents as an artist and singer. The girls looked to their leader always for her strength, intelligence, wit and cool in stressful situations, often resulting in her ever so endearing dorky personality to shine through. But not only was she the leader to the other members but she was also the eternal kid leader to all SONEs. Even Jessica can’t deny that she too look to the group’s leader in dire times.

“What’s wrong Jess?” the cheery eye-smiling girl asked her best friend in English finally noticing that Jessica’s expression had been extremely gloom the entire day. Tiffany had assumed it was because the ice princess was a little sad about moving out but now she wasn’t so sure any longer.

“Hmmm? Uhm… what do you mean?” Jessica answered, her thoughts had drifted off to the girl she so desperately wanted to despise.

“Taeyeon… Taengoo… I… I wish…”

“But have you really been neglecting Jessica? Doesn’t really seem like you…” Jiwoong asked his sister in response to what she had told him about why she was so upset. “Besides, that’s nothing to be so upset about. Just go talk to her and clear things up…”

Taeyeon had, of course, sidestepped a lot of facts. The fact that Tiffany was the supposed reason. The fact that things were more complicated between her, Jessica and Tiffany. The fact that she had really allowed Jessica to fall off her radar. The fact that she and Jessica were now practically strangers who were just living under the same roof.  The fact that she was the reason why Jessica was moving out of the dorm. And the fact that she had kissed Jessica out of sheer impulse, she was still unsure why she did it. In fact, she basically left out all the important facts about the reason why she was balling her eyes out, which was…

“I-I didn’t realize I was doing it… That’s the problem… If I did, I would have fixed the problem immediately but I let myself be blinded… I’ve let my member down but worse still… I let down one of my friends, someone I care for deeply,” Taeyeon explained, half sighing, half sobbing.

“Aren’t you overreacting just a little? How can you LET yourself be blinded? It happened unintentionally… It’s not like you could have helped it… Like you said, you didn’t mean to…” Taeyeon’s big brother reasoned, still trying to make her feel better. He hadn’t seen Taeyeon this unglued since her trainee days when she would sometimes felt unstrung and burned-out.

“You won’t understand, oppa… These girls… they aren’t just my members or friends or even sister. We’re all united, we share an unbreakable bond… but somehow… I’ve managed to break mine with Sica. It’s just… unfathomable…” the younger sibling said, her voice wavering, slowly growing quieter as she was still feeling blameworthy.

“Okay, fine… but are you now just going to cry about it? Or are you going to do something about it?” Jiwoong urged.

“W-What…?”

“Kim Taeyeon! Are you just going to lie around and drown yourself in self-pity? Mom and dad didn’t raise you to be like this. I’ve never known you to be like this. Be the person I know you are, the leader I know you are, the friend I know you are… If she really means as much to you as you said, then go to her and make things right,” the elder sibling advised his sister. “Isn’t that right, Ginger-ya?” he asked the puppy who was also laying down in a depressed state, next to his noona.

Surprisingly, the clever puppy gave a resounding bark of agreement.

Jiwoong’s word struck a chord with Taeyeon. She knew it herself but she really needed someone to tell her that directly. To give her a kick in the . To make her realize that she was going about the problem the wrong way. To make her see that the way she was acting was selfish.

“Oppa’s right… Why am I being like this? This is ridiculous… I can’t just cry my eyes out. How would it make the situation better? How would that make Sica feel better? This is pathetic! Kim Taeyeon, get a grip. You can fix this. Whatever it takes… Sica… I’ll make this right, somehow…”

“Oppa… what time are you leaving tomorrow?” Taeyeon asked Jiwoong. She now really wanted to be back at the dorm so she could talk to Jessica, honestly this time.

Jiwoong smiled, sensing his sister had collected herself again. “What time would you like to leave? First thing in the morning?”

Taeyeon nodded her head eagerly. “Sica would have already moved out but I still want to get back as early as possible…”

The elder Kim was happy to see the younger Kim’s spirit was back again. He ruffled Taeyeon’s hair. “Welcome back, Kim Taeyeon…”

“I wish I hadn’t said what I said… I wish there was still TaengSic…”

“What do you mean what I mean? You’ve been totally spaced out for like a good 15 minutes…” the mushroom said as she waved her hand in front of the ice princess’s face.

“Uhm… have I?” Jessica was at a loss for words. But then again it wasn’t entirely unlike her to do so, so she lied. “Don’t I always...?” she fake chuckled.

“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?” Tiffany asked, always the concerned friend.

“Just feeling a little nostalgic…” Jessica replied in English. It wasn’t entirely a lie.

“Hmmm… yeah… It’s been a while since we had a group night and it’s been a long time since we first moved in together,” the younger American recollected.

“Things were so different back then but I still see glimpses of us from back then today.”

“Of course! We’ll always be the same girls, no matter what.”

“You think so? You think our relationship will never change?”

“Well… situations change but I think nothing will change us, as a group… as friends… Why? You’re not planning on leaving us are you?! You’ve been acting strange…” Tiffany asked. She was getting more and more paranoid the weirder Jessica was behaving.

“No… I already said that that wasn’t the case,” Jessica answered with a sigh. She knew that her behavior may have been of slight concern but she wished everyone would really just stop fussing already.

“You promise?”

“Yes, I promise,” the older American reassured her best friend.

“Hmmm… alright… But if you have a problem you need to tell me, okay? Instead of just keeping it bottled up…”

Just then, the dorm’s front door opened. Sunny and Yuri were back with the drinks and it was just in time because Hyoyeon and Yoona were also done with the food. The girls gathered around and started helping themselves.

“What were you girls going on about?” Sooyoung asked as she walked out, already chewing on a mouthful of the food.

“Wait! I’m going to go get our maknae…” Hyoyeon said as she scuttled off to get Seohyun.

“Just getting a little reminiscent…” Tiffany laughed.

“You better not start crying…” Sunny warned the two Americans.

 “Yah, yah! No one’s allowed to cry, okay? This is happy time… stuff your faces and drink!” Yuri joked.

“Who’s crying?” Seohyun asked as she and Hyoyeon joined the other girls in the middle of their conversation.

“No one… No one is crying…” Jessica answered. “Kids! Time to get our maknae drunk!”

“Ahhh! I can’t, unnie… I have to get up early to get some college stuff done…” the maknae pleaded.

“Oh, alright… One drink then…” Hyoyeon urged her roommate.

“I can’t drink too much either… unfortunately…” Yoona sighed.

“My schedule’s not until noon so I can still have a few drinks, as long as I stay hydrated…” Sooyoung chuckled cheekily.

“So the kids won’t be drinking tonight, I guess…” Sunny teased.

“Because the kids are working or going to school… and the adults are just staying home…” countered Sooyoung in a sing-song manner.

The girls laughed. They continued their conversation whilst enjoying the food and drinks until late into the night. The three youngest members headed off to bed first, leaving the 89ers to chat through the night. Neither Jessica nor Tiffany were heavy drinkers and the ice princess’s preferred drink was actually wine, but that night both girls decided to let loose. As the girls drank, ate, laughed, chatted and reminisced into the night, the alcohol worked its way through the ice princess making her forget about her misery and after a while, she couldn’t even remember a thing… Everything became a blur…

Taeyeon begged her brother to leave just as dawn broke. She wanted desperately to be back at the dorm. Usually, she would beg to stay home for another day, another hour but not this day. First thing she wanted to do, she needed to do was to seek Jessica out and have a heart to heart. They really needed to clear the air. They needed to break everything down before they could rebuild their relationship again.

But when the kid leader got back to the dorm, she was met with a mess of a living room. The girls were too wasted from the night before to clean up before going to bed.

“What the heck? Aish! I leave for one night and the rascals have a party? And without me…? This is unbelievable…” she said to herself.

The leader of the group decided to do a quick cleanup of the place first before anything else.

“Aigoo… these kids… can’t even clean up after themselves…”

Just then, one of the members came out of their rooms unexpectedly finding their leader cleaning up the mess.

“Unnie… you’re back? Sorry about the mess… I went to bed before the other unnies were done,” the doe-eyed girl greeted the kid leader.

“Are you leaving for your schedule?”

“Yes. Sorry, unnie… I would help but I really need to leave now…”

“Ara, ara… I got it… Work hard…” Taeyeon told her member.

“Bye, unnie…” Yoona waved goodbye as she rushed out the door.

“Hmmm… can’t believe Fany didn’t mention this when I called…” Taeyeon thought.

The kid leader entered her room with the intention to interrogate her roommate and best friend about the events of the night before.

“Yah! Hwang Miyoung! Why didn’t you tell me-“ Taeyeon exclaimed as she opened the door but the sight of what she saw stopped her.

Tiffany wasn’t alone…

Tiffany stirred in her bed, but being a light sleeper, Taeyeon’s barge into the room was enough to wake her.

“Oh… TaeTae… you’re back…” the mushroom greeted her best friend, still mostly unconscious.

But Taeyeon’s eyes were fixed to the girl lying beside Tiffany. She only had one thought on her mind at that point.

“Wh-What is Sica doing in my room? In my bed…? With Fany…?!”

Taeyeon and Tiffany had reconfigured their beds so that they were actually placed side by side. They had gotten used to it and preferred it that way. But now, it was Tiffany and Jessica, not Taeyeon, that were lying face to face, holding each other’s hand, snuggling up to each other.

Honestly, it looked so innocent. The two Americans were naturally touchy feely with each other anyway and besides, Taeyeon herself would often be in that kind of situation with Tiffany even before they were a couple and even now that they weren’t a couple any longer. But then why did it make Taeyeon upset to see them together? Just sleeping? Not anything else?

Could it be? Was Taeyeon… jealous?

Fanart by The Caelum/Azure