Rock bottom: the lowest possible level or point

The kid leader could only stand in shame as Jessica escaped the room after having been, for the lack of a better word, attacked by her. She couldn’t show her face in front of Jessica after what she did. She wasn’t even sure why she did it. Perhaps it was because she was trying to stop the eldest American from leaving, perhaps she just desperately needed the girl to listen to her, or perhaps… like an iceberg, there was a lot more lurking under the surface than Taeyeon could admit to herself. But one thing was for sure, the eldest member had to put on a poker face because her emotions were now caving in.

So when she finally came out of her room, only to be greeted by her best friend and the girl whom she had wronged so many times over, Taeyeon had to come up with an excuse as to why she couldn’t stay and help Jessica pack. No, she couldn’t bear to be in the same room with her at this point in time. It was too difficult; she was too ashamed. And she also couldn’t be part of helping Jessica pack so that she could leave the dorm. Taeyeon was still unable to let Jessica go, not when they had just left things in such a terrible state. What else could she do but to leave, immediately, and clear her head; she needed to find a way to salvage the ship that she had single handedly wrecked.

“Oh… yeah… uhm… I just remembered that I had to meet my brother. I haven’t seen him in a while and I promised to hang out with him for a bit,” she told them, trying to come up with a plausible excuse for her not to have to stay.

On top of that, she was hurt by the fact that Jessica didn’t want her to stay and help either. Even though she couldn’t face the girl, Taeyeon had hoped that Jessica would at least have, perhaps, wanted her to stay… somehow… But that was obviously just wishful thinking and it stung when Jessica answered even before she herself could with a resounding, “She can’t!”

“There’s no point of me staying around and making things worse for her when she obviously didn’t want me around…” she thought to herself miserably. “It’s my fault… I only have myself to blame… Why didn’t I realize earlier? How did the gap between us grow so large without me noticing…?”

Taeyeon may have made an excuse not to hang around but inside she was screaming for Jessica to give her a sign, any sign to stay. On the inside, all the leader of the group wanted to do was to throw herself around the ice princess hand to somehow warm her heart, but she knew that it wouldn’t be enough, not now that she was in so deep.

As her best friend and the girl whom had now drove her into a pit despair walked off to recruit some other members to help Jessica pack up her stuff, Taeyeon headed out the front door.

“What now…? Where am I supposed to go…?”

Since she already made the excuse, Taeyeon wondered if her brother was free to provide her with some much needed advice, although, she wasn’t even sure how to begin sharing her predicament.

“Oppa, what are you up to right now..?” Taeyeon called her big brother, whom despite not really having seem his sister much over the years, still had a great relationship with her.

Sensing that there was something wrong, Jiwoong being the caring brother that he was immediate dropped whatever he had planned.

“Taeyeon-ah? I’m free. What’s the matter?” he asked. Jiwoong always knew when his sister was keeping her troubles bottled up. It was her preferred method of dealing with problems rather than to actually seek help or council from someone else.

 “Uhm… Oppa… if you’re not busy… could you… uhm… do you have some time to meet up with me?” Taeyeon babbled. She wasn’t even sure how she would begin to explain her predicament to her brother.

“Of course, Taengoo. Are you at the dorm? I’m actually really close by, I’ll come pick you up. Do you want to come home for a while and see Ginger?” Jiwoong asked, knowing that seeing Ginger would probably cheer her up.

The talented singer had left her beloved puppy in the care of her family because of her busy schedule and she was indeed missing him dearly.

“Yes. Actually, that’s a great idea… I’ll go home for the night…” Taeyeon cheered up a little thinking about seeing her family and Ginger.

“I’m about 10 minutes away, so just wait where you are…” her brother told her.

Taeyeon went downstairs to wait for her brother. She found herself in a state that she was so unfamiliar with; she was wallowing in self-pity. It wasn’t something the kid leader usually fell into, even when she was backed into a corner, so she couldn’t understand why she was unable to get a hold of herself.

“What kind of leader am I…? Overlooking a member entirely… let alone Sica? There’s no excuse for that…”

It wasn’t that Taeyeon didn’t care about Jessica or that she favored another member over her. It didn’t even cross her mind that Jessica was so affected by her actions. Taeyeon’s relationship with Jessica had always been a rocky one; they’ve never been the closest within the group nor did they always see eye to eye. In fact, she was probably the least closest to Jessica even though she had always had a soft spot for the next eldest member. She understood that despite the cool and impervious façade that the ice princess had, the girl was a softie on the inside; sensitive and filled with insecurities. So she always threaded carefully around Jessica. And never would she imagine that Jessica would have such strong emotions towards her. But what was it exactly…?

“Why did she say I abandoned her? And abandoned her for Fany? What did she mean by that exactly? And why did I do what I did…? Why did I kiss her? What the heck is wrong with you Kim Taeyeon? What on earth could have crossed your mind to make her do something so… impulsive…? Wait. That doesn’t make sense. That’s exactly what it was… impulse. I wasn’t thinking… that’s why… This is really not like you Kim Taeyeon…”

The truth was, perhaps Taeyeon did spend a little too much time with Tiffany. It wasn’t consciously intentional, after all, Tiffany was her best friend and ex-girlfriend. Actually, Taeyeon wasn’t quite sure if she would even call Tiffany her ex. The two of them had been close since the beginning, more than close, they were inseparable and the kid leader loved the eye-smiling girl. And Tiffany felt the same way. So naturally, the two girls’ affection towards each other grew into something more. But when they tried to be a couple, they just couldn’t make it work, for whatever reason… Nevertheless, the two girls loved each other still and it was difficult not to be the way they had always been around each other. It just felt natural.

Taeyeon didn’t think it would matter. None of the other girls ever mentioned anything about it, assuming that they all knew something was going on despite never having officially announced their brief relationship. In fact, the other members would have never known the difference. Even after they decided to just go back to being best friends, they still behaved like a couple of lovebirds. But she was wrong. Jessica had noticed and she had misunderstood.

So should she just tell Jessica the whole truth? Just tell her that there was nothing going on between herself and Tiffany, at least not anymore? But would it really make a difference? No. Not really. That wasn’t really the problem…

As Taeyeon sat and analyzed the problem at hand, Jiwoong had made his way to the Soshi dorm in record time. He was indeed worried about his little sister who had always taken to carrying the world of worries on her shoulder alone.

“Oppa… that was quick!” Taeyeon was never so glad to see her big brother. Even though she hadn’t seen her brother much since the start of her career, they were very close when they were younger.

“Get in, kiddo. I’m here to rescue you…” Jiwoong gave his sister a cheeky smile.

“I am definitely in desperate need of a rescue right now…” Taeyeon thought to herself in response to what Jiwoong had said.

 “Thanks again, oppa. It’s really thoughtful of you to come pick me up and bringing me home. I… uhm… really needed some cheering up…” the kid leader told her brother.

“Taengoo... Is something wrong? Did something happen?” the eldest Kim asked.

“Uhm… It’s nothing… really…” the younger Kim answered unconvincingly.

“Well, I’m at your disposal until tomorrow when I drive you back to the dorm… Anytime between now and then, if you feel like talking, I’m here.”

“Thanks, oppa, but I just really need some time to do some thinking.”

Jiwoong decided not to pry any longer. He understood his sister well and just like a tortoise, she would revert back into her shell the more she was pushed. It wasn’t that she was shy or a coward or unable to stand up to pressure because she definitely had all the hallmarks of being a great leader. It was only when it came to personal matters that she had a hard time with. So the smarter thing to do was just to let her know that he was there for her and wait until she was ready to talk about it.

On arriving home, Taeyeon immediately felt more at ease. It was a complete surprise to her family who hadn’t seen their precious eldest daughter in a while. She was greeted warmly by her parents especially her mother as well as the maknae of the family, Hayeon. Just as she got done being greeted by her family, cute little Ginger came sprinting up to her and stopped at her feet, wagging his tail in excitement, awaiting her to pick him up.

“Ginger-ya! Good boy! Did you miss noona? Noona missed you so much!” Taeyeon said to the little guy as she picked him up and gave him a little kiss.

When she put him back down, Ginger ran around her feet, wagging his tail in gleeful joy, having not seen his noona for longer than he cared for. After a couple of laps, he stopped in front of her and whined, begging to be picked up again.

Taeyeon looked at her beloved puppy and chuckled at the adorable display of affection as well as his neediness. She bent down and gave him a pat on the head.

“You’ll always love noona, right Ginger?”

Ginger barked in response which really lifted Taeyeon’s mood.

“Noona loves you too,” she told him. Then picked him up again and held him close, walking towards her room that was always ready to welcome her home.

The kid leader sighed and immediately collapsed onto the bed, still holding Ginger against her chest, only letting him go once she had landed safely on the soft mattress. Ginger was still overhyped from the unexpected return of his noona so much so that he ran about the bed like he was on steroids, showing his never ending love for Taeyeon by her hand and then her cheek. She giggled like a giddy schoolgirl, forgetting about her worries for just a moment.

“Ginger-ya, do you think I’m a bad noona?”

Ginger whined and laid down on the bed as if he was ready to listen to her problem.

“Should we run away together?”

Ginger little growl and then a low pitch bark.

“No. I guess you’re right. Running away solves nothing… How are you so much smarter than me?”

He returned two short, rapid high pitched barks and then stuck out his tongue and panted a little.

“Pssshhh, stop showing off…”

He gave another whine and nuzzled against Taeyeon’s hand.

“Ginger-ya… noona did something unforgivable…”

Ginger went all silent but rested his head on her belly. Taeyeon responded affectionately his head gently.

“I hurt someone precious to me…”

He howled.

“Yes, I messed up Ginger… What should I do?”

He lifted his head and started yelping.

“Oh, I’m sorry to worry you, buddy… I’ll be alright. I just need to figure out what to do about it…”

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

“Sweetie, are you feeling alright?” Taeyeon’s mother asked as she walked into the room.

“Eomma… Yeah I’m fine…” Soshi’s leader answered but couldn’t stop herself from sighing.

“Are you staying for the night? Do the other members know you’re staying the night?” Mrs. Kim sat on the bed and her daughter’s long, luscious hair.

With all the self-pity and wallowing, Taeyeon had completely forgotten to let anyone else know that she wasn’t going to be back at the dorm for the night.

She kid leader face-palmed herself. “I completely forgot…”

“But I thought you were at the dorm before you left? Didn’t you tell anyone? Did you just sneak out?” Mrs. Kim started sensing that there was definitely something wrong.

“No, I told them I was going to meet up with Jiwoong oppa. I didn’t know I would be coming home, so I didn’t tell them. And then I just forgot,” she reassured her mother.

“Well, you better go call the girls then. Go on…” her mother hurried her.

The kid leader decided to take her little puppy out for a walk while she made the call. As she took her phone out, her fingers instinctively hit speed dial 2, 1 was home, and the call was made to Tiffany. She stared at the name on the screen… Tiffany… Even without thinking she had managed to dial her best friend.

“Sica… I’m sorry…”

All the while, Jessica had started packing her things. She was planning on packing her belongings slowly but she wasn’t even sure now that she wanted to spend any more time in the dorm than she needed to. While some of the other girls had other things to attend to, Sunny, Sooyoung, Yuri and of course, Tiffany were all helping her out… reluctantly.

“Seriously, what’s with all the sour faces around...?” Jessica asked. Even though she knew the exact reason why, she was trying to lift the mood in the room.

“You want me to be happy when you’re leaving me?” the other American was still being clingy.

Sometimes, Jessica wished that Tiffany wouldn’t behave as such. It was difficult to think that it was exactly what the group leader favored but she loved her best friend and she knew that that was how Tiffany was with everyone.

“Stop it, you! You’re going to make me get all emotional too…”  Yuri said as she gave the younger American a slight punch on the arm.

“Well, I’m not worried. Sica loves me and she’ll come back to see me all the time… Right, Sica?” Sunny said playfully.

“Pfffttt… I know Sica the longest… So she loves me the best,” Sooyoung chimed in calmly.

At this moment in time, the ice princess was so touched that her beloved members cared so much about her. Even if they were all just being overdramatic and were pretending to fight over her, it still made her feel loved. But the one person she wanted some attention from, desperately, had left once again.

Sure she herself had not wanted the kid leader to stay but she was still hoping that the eldest member would fight, fight for her, somehow, something to let her know that she cared. What Taeyeon did before, it wasn’t to show Jessica that she cared. No. It was for the group leader’s own conscience. And the kiss, well, Jessica was just infuriated. Yes, she could only ever dream that Taeyeon would feel the way about her that would result in a kiss but not under such circumstances and certainly not when the kid leader was with Tiffany. She didn’t need that on her own conscience.

“You’re all wrong… I love…” Jessica started to say, pausing for dramatic effect. The other girls leaned in in anticipation of whose name the ice princess would mention. “Soojungie, the best…” the girl finished, referring to her baby sister, causing the other girls to gasp and then burst into laughter together.

“Very funny, Sica. I see how it is. That’s why you’re moving home aren’t you?” the golden haired girl who was her roommate joked.

“Of course,” Jessica gave a slight chuckled despite still hurting on the inside.

“Oh but I’m losing my soul sister… Who else would tolerate me?” the mushroom said.

“You have Taengoo…” Jessica thought.

“What are you talking about? I’m sitting right here,” the group’s black pearl huffed.

“Awww I’m sorry, Yuri-ah…” Tiffany threw her arms around huffy girl. This was exactly what Jessica expected from the younger American; she was overly affectionate with everyone.

“Yah! You two… get a room!” the tallest girl teased.

The two girls looked at each other and giggled, as if they knew something the other girls didn’t but Jessica’s mind was so preoccupied she didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary.

As the girls continued to pack, they reminisced about their early years, when they were first told that they would be grouped together and when they first moved into their old dorm. It was really a great bonding session for the girls. After a while, even Hyoyeon, Yoona and Seohyun joined in the fun, lifting Jessica’s mood and blocking out the pain momentarily.

“It’s too bad Taeyeon unnie isn’t here…” the maknae commented. “It’s nice that we’re all here.”

“Aigoo, maknae… You’re so sentimental,” the dancing queen roommate.

“So where is Taeyeon unnie anyway?” Yoona asked.

Just then, the eye-smiling girl’s phone started ringing.

“Speak of the devil…” Tiffany announced to the other girls as she picked up the call. “TaeTae! Are you still with Jiwoong oppa?” Tiffany greeted.

“Yes. Actually, I’m home…” her roommate greeted.

“What? You’re staying the night?” the youngest American asked.

“Yeah…” the eldest member answered simply.

“Awww… I’m going to feel so lonely…” Tiffany whined.

“Oppa suggested it and I thought it would be a good idea since I haven’t been home in a while,” Taeyeon explained.

“Oh god! Is she really saying that in front of everyone?” Jessica thought as she listened to the one side of the conversation.

“It’s a shame… without you and Sica in the dorm tonight, it’s going to be so quiet around here…” Tiffany pouted over the phone.

“Knowing you, you’d find someone else to cause some trouble with…” Taeyeon best friend.

“Pssshhh… shut up, you!” If Taeyeon was there, Tiffany would have given her a slight shove.

“So… are you with Sica right now?” Taeyeon asked, curious about the girl that had taken over every corner of her mind.

“Hey, you should talk to Sica… since you’re not here to say goodbye,” the oblivious girl suggested.

The mushroom stuffed her phone into Jessica’s hand before Jessica could even react. The eldest American looked at the phone in her hand and the name on the screen, TaeTae, for a moment before putting it to her ears.

“Hi, Taeyeon…” Jessica spoke hesitantly into the phone, unsure of what they would really talk about. But with seven other pairs of eyes and ears on her, she had to pretend as if there was nothing wrong.

“Sica… I, uhm…” the kid leader started.

“Uhm… all the other girls are here…” the ice princess informed the girl on the other end of the line, in case she needed to be discrete in her replies and answers.

The girls took that as their cue to shout out their greetings to their beloved leader. Taeyeon chuckled a little at the silliness of her members and then remembered that she was still on the phone with Jessica.

“Sica… I, uhm…” Taeyeon repeated, still unable to verbalize her inner thoughts.

“So you won’t be back until tomorrow? I’ll be gone by then…” Jessica wondered out loud.

“Uhm… yes… It was a last minute change of plans. Uhm… how’s the packing going?” Taeyeon couldn’t figure out what to really talk about except to make small talk.

“The girls are all helping. I should get done soon…”

“Uhm… I’m sorry I’m not there to help…”

“Ohmigod, I can’t believe this is all she can say! Argh!” Jessica yelled in her head.

“Right. We can talk later… I’m going to get back to packing. Wish you were here, Taengoo…” Jessica spat out. The last part was included so the other girls would be none the wiser about the conflict between the two eldest members. But Taeyeon knew exactly that there wasn’t any feelings behind the words. And before the elder girl could reply, Jessica had already handed the phone back to Tiffany.

“TaeTae, we’ll miss you!  See you tomorrow. Give the family our greetings,” Tiffany shouted into the phone before she eventually hung up.

Taeyeon didn’t realize that a simple phone call would be so emotional. In fact, the moment she hung up the phone, tears slowly trickled down her cheeks, without her permission.

“Why are you crying, you idiot?!”

It was because she was worried that she had just aggravated the situation even more.

“Sorry I’m not there to help?! Is that all you can say Kim Taeyeon? Your dear friend is hurting and you can’t even beg for her forgiveness? You’re pathetic.”

Her head was telling her to get a grip and yet she couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.

“Ginger-ya, what’s wrong with me? Do you think I made it worse? I don’t know what to do…” the kid leader cried to her little puppy, her face in her hands.

Ginger gently bit the cuff of the crying girl’s jeans and tugged on it while whining, sounding almost like he was crying too.

Taeyeon snuck back into her room, amazingly, without anyone seeing her. She buried her face in her pillow and cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. It was absolutely unbecoming of the kid leader and if any of her members saw her in this state, she would never be able to show her face in front of them again. And still, it was the first time she found herself unable to piece herself together.

As they say, misery loves company and it was indeed true because Ginger was now howling softly at the foot of Taeyeon’s bed, the little puppy was oddly emotionally connected to his beloved noona.

Then there was a knock on the door.

“Taengoo, what’s up with Ginger?” Jiwoong asked as he entered the crying girl’s room.

Jiwoong had expected to find the little puppy acting up but instead he found his sister crying her eyes out instead.

“Taengoo, what’s wrong?!” The kid leader’s brother was now seriously worried.

“I-I-I’m an i-idi-diot…” It was all the younger sibling could say before bursting into machinegun sobs.

Taeyeon was usually the one doing the consoling but now… for the first time in a long time… she was the one in need of consoling…

Fanart by Jelly

Author's Note: So... I guess this might go on for a little longer than I expected...