Turnabout 04:

The Weight of Forgiveness pt.3

[Sehun’s Point of View]

I sighed. Not bothering to cover it up, since I’m honestly tired. It was my day off and I was planning to catch up with my beauty sleep, but suddenly, there was an emergency and I was called since they are low in people. It’s just 7 am and I’m already drained. If I could just sleep on the floor, I would do it right now. But it’s not like I can do that since this is the hospital, unless I’m like Dr. Changmin who never cares where he sleeps.

I could feel my stomach grumble as it hungers for breakfast and I decided to head down to the cafeteria to feed myself. Giving a tired smile to the lady who handed me my food, I took the nearest and table and plopped myself at the chair. A lot of things had happened and some things weren’t what I had expected to happen at all.

It’s been three years, but who knew things would end up this way? After breaking things off with Luhan, I went to US to finish my course, helped my cousin’s friend Chanyeol, and then went back with him here and finally, had landed a job here where I used to be a part-time nurse. If the me before would have found about this decision of mine, I would have killed myself. But luckily that didn’t happen and I’m quite happy where I am now.

Chewing on the beef, I noticed a familiar doctor coming towards my way and I figured that he would take the seat in front of me. And I was right. Suho had taken the liberty to sit in front of me and flashes me a smile. I felt the urge to leave him right there and then.

“What’s with the sour look on your face, Sehun? Got a rough day?” He is teasing. He is definitely teasing me. Deciding that I would take it coolly, I muttered a ‘yes’ and he replied with a hum. We both ate in silence and I was confused at first, but appreciated the silence that comforts my tired body. Finishing my main course, I was about to devour my dessert when—

“Do you remember Yixing?” he asked and I stared at him, feeling the sombre tone it held.

I nodded. “Yeah, he’s the one you were assigned to last three years ago and I occasionally checked up on him when you were out.”

“Yeah, thank you for helping me out during those times.” I could sense something isn’t right, but I didn’t want to touch on the subject unless Suho hyung decided to talk about it. I’ve noticed that his face had aged for the past three years. He had gone through a lot of hardships and all of it were beyond unexplainable. I couldn’t imagine what life I would have lived if I were in his position, but my life had been devastating as well, that I could sympathize with him for a bit.

“Then, have you heard the news?” he asks and I looked at him, confused. He wryly smiles at me and doesn’t speak for a while and just ate his pudding. I didn’t strike another conversation, but waited patiently for him to speak up. Halfway through with my dessert, Suho hyung decided to speak up once more, but this time it made my blood run cold.

“What?”

He touches his bandaged eye and his face contorted into painful expression before easing out to a defeated look. “Kris’s family had decided to plug off his life-support. The director had given up on his son. I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”

I could hear his heart crying just by saying those words. It must have been difficult for him to talk about it, and yet here he is, talking it to someone like me, wanting to get the thorns off his chest. I felt his helplessness over the situation as he couldn’t do anything for he doesn’t have the authority to stop the decision that has been made. I wanted to comfort him, but there is this sickening feeling in my gut that tell me that I am not worthy to comfort someone who had given everything, and yet lost everything at the same time. I felt that I was incapable of giving comfort to someone like Suho hyung who had experienced the true meaning of losing someone in comparison to I, who had everything, and yet I simply broke it off just because I was tired of waiting.

“You know, Sehun. It’s okay,” he starts off with a strange voice that had me wonder if it was him at all. “You don’t need to comfort me. Even if it’s hard to accept it, it’s alright. I’m fine, so you don’t have to worry about me, because I know you have your own plate to worry about.”

I stared at him, shocked at the sudden confrontation of what I was feeling. I couldn’t respond to him at all and he lowered his gaze to his plate as he continued.

“I know things are hard for you. You’ve taken the worst side of life since you were young and you’ve dealt with it for the past 13 years. I know I’m in no place to say this, but Sehun, you have to look at the other side of life. Surely, the wounds are still there, but it’ll heal.”

I could my throat constricting and my chest feeling heavy as I reply, “How could a battered heart heal when time no longer is at my side?”

“Time is no one’s side. It continues to move on forward on its own without waiting for anyone. It’s always been like that. You don’t have to beat yourself up due to your past. You could start anew.”

“I already did that when I was in US,” I replied and I could see his expression soften and he gives me the gentlest smile that I could have ever receive.

“Then, you could start your love anew.”

I could feel raw bitterness spread around my tongue when I took a bite on my dessert.

♦

“Even if you say that you don’t love him anymore, you still care for him. Give him another chance, Sehun. It doesn’t have to be now.”

Even if you say that Suho hyung, it doesn’t change the fact that I already broke it off with him. I sighed, feeling all the adrenaline leave my body. I left the hospital to give myself some sort of leverage to continue my night shift. I decided to pay Kyungsoo hyung a visit since it’s been a long time. On my way to his flower shop, I bumped into him.

“Ah, Kyungsoo hyung!”

“Sehun!” he greeted me with a broad smile on his face. “Where are you off to?”

“I was planning to visit your shop. Good thing, I saw you or else I’d be waiting outside like a fool,” I joked and Kyungsoo hyung laughed. I noticed that he had some grocery bags with him and decided to inquire.

“Are you on your way back from the grocery?” I asked and he looked at the bags he was carrying.

“Yeah, do you want to head to the flower shop with me?” I replied with a hum and took some of the bags he was carrying. He flashes me a smile and muttered a ‘thanks’. We headed back to his flower shop, only to know that my beauty sleep isn’t going to happen soon.

♦

“He’s a douchebag,” I said with irritation evident in my voice.

After helping Kyungsoo hyung with the groceries, he had brewed some tea and offered me some of his homemade cookies. My body instantly relaxed at the smell of the flowers I’m around with and I felt nostalgic as I reminisced my days when I worked with Kyungsoo hyung. We had chatted about what had happened to our lives for the past weeks, even talking about what had transpired for the past three years. As we were catching up, I had mentioned my cousin to Kyungsoo hyung and he had gone silent after I mentioned Jongin’s name. I knew something was up, so I pestered Kyungsoo hyung to spill it and when he told the story about what had happened between them, I couldn’t help but utter my annoyance at my cousin.

“Sehun?” Kyungsoo timidly called out my name and I could see he was so heartbroken by what Jongin did. That ing idiot!

“I knew Jongin was an idiot, but I never pegged him to be a total idiot.” I let out a sigh, feeling a migraine coming. Taking the cup of tea, I took a sip to calm myself down. Kyungsoo hyung sighed and shakes his head, a sad smile on his face.

“It’s not his fault. I mean, I was the one who assumed that he liked me back. I was just surprised when he kissed me out of nowhere that I thought he caught on with my feelings, but I guess he didn’t after all.” If I could describe what Kyungsoo hyung looks like right now then it would be like a kicked puppy with its head hang low.

“I’m really sorry for all the trouble that he caused you, hyung. I’ll give him a piece of my mind later.” I vowed and Kyungsoo looked at me, wide-eyed.

“No!” I blinked at him. “I mean, it’s alright. I told you, didn’t I? It’s not his fault.” Hyung is also an idiot. I internally groaned and let out a defeated sigh.

“If you say so, hyung.” He flashes me a smile and I found myself smiling back at him. I guess their ending won’t turn out bad. I took the last cookie and nibbled on it as I watched Kyungsoo hyung take another fresh basket out from the mini kitchen. We didn’t talk for a while and simply, took our time to relax.

I found myself looking around the shop and noticed that it didn’t change much, except that there are more flowers than the last time I went here. From Ambrosia to Daisies to Cyclamen and dozens of other flowers, the shop might as well as be a garden. As I was looking around, Kyungsoo hyung decided to break the silence.

“So how are you and Luhan?” I think I misheard him or something, because I gave him a deadpan look and he grins at me as if knowing something that I don’t. I’m starting to have this sickening feeling in my gut again when the matter is pertained to Luhan and I don’t know why. I decided not to be rude and coolly replied.

“We’re alright.” A safe answer to respond in case I’m suddenly thrown into a hot seat. I could see Kyungsoo hyung’s brown knit in dissatisfaction with my answer and I immediately took another cookie to nibble on and avoided his gaze.

“Oh, really now?” He’s definitely not letting me go, is he? I let out another sigh for the day, giving in to give the answers that Kyungsoo hyung wants.

“You’ve received the flowers, right?” I nodded my head. “What’s your response to those flowers?”

I scratched the back of my neck. “Nothing. Well, not entirely nothing, but I just took him out for lunch?”

“And that was your answer?”

“Well, yeah?”

“Sehun!” he calls out my name with a chiding voice.

“What! What am I supposed to do?” I can’t believe he wants me to do something that is completely beyond my comprehension. I saw him blink his eyes and I realized that I half-shouted at him. I muttered an apology and looked at the striped carnation to calm myself.

“I don’t know Kyungsoo hyung. I don’t really love him anymore. However, I do admit that I missed him and I still care for him, but it doesn’t amount to having actual love for the one who had made me wait for ten years.” I found myself reminiscing those years when I had waited for him and I felt prickling thorns poke at my heart unnecessarily.

“But Sehun, you know better than anyone else, that you aren’t the only victim in the relationship,” he gently reminds me the fact that I can’t disregard. “Luhan is also a victim for searching for you for ten years.”

Ah, could this day get any worse?

♦

I honestly think I’m not running away. Not at all. What’s done is done. You can’t change it. No matter what everyone says, Luhan and I are no longer in that kind of relationship. We are simply co-workers. An acquaintance or to put it in a better term, friends. It’s not like I totally hate him or anything. I don’t even feel that way towards him. A bit of resentment maybe, but I’m not the type of person to hold grudges.

After Kyungsoo hyung said that underlying truth, I talked my way out of it and he closed the discussion, probably respecting the fact that I don’t want to talk about it. We chatted a bit more before I decided to head home and only to find myself sitting at a café with my sister.

“So Tia, what’s up? Please make it brief because I want to catch some hour of sleep before I head back to the hospital.”

Tia glares at me and I shrugged. “Is that the first thing you say to me after avoiding me for the past weeks?”

“And this is the reason why I’m avoiding you,” I replied in a matter-of-fact tone and I yelped in pain when she kicked me under the table.

“Serves you right.” She stuck her tongue out and I glared at her in response.

“What is it that you want?” I gritted out and my sister lets out an over dramatic sigh.

“It’s about Luhan.” Oh god. Seriously? Why do the people I talk with want to talk about the least person I wanted to talk about?

“What about him?” I replied after I sighed for the umpteenth time. Tia doesn’t respond for a moment and I’m actually doubting the conversation she is starting. It felt like eternity had passed when she decided to speak up.

“I won’t tell you what you are supposed to do or that you’re wrong from the decisions that you made. I just wanted to tell you that whatever happens, I will stay by your side. You are my brother and though I’m not there when you needed me the most, I am the only one who knows what you’ve gone through and why you did it.”

I could feel something on my eyes, but I didn’t pay much mind to it. I let out a chuckle and I feel the heavy feeling on my chest somewhat becomes a bit lighter than before. Someone that indirectly tells me that I’m not wrong—I want to cry.

That feeling of people unconsciously putting a meaning to their words that points at me for being wrong for my decision, it was suffocating. I had always felt that what I did on that day was something I should regret. I felt I was the wrong one. That I shouldn’t be selfish and consider Luhan’s feelings too. But what about me? It’s not about who is the victim here. Can’t I stand up on my two feet and make my own decision? I’m not a child who needs to be told what to do and what’s right and wrong. I already grew up. And when I decided it’s enough, it’s already enough.

“Sehun?” I hear my sister calling out for me and I weakly smiled at her. I didn’t want to break down in front of her especially when we’re out in public. I could see the worry on her face and I tried to placate her by telling her I am alright. She doesn’t seem convinced, but she didn’t press on further and I appreciated it. We decided to start another conversation, catching up with each other’s lives and I’m glad to be able to spend a little bit of my time with my sister.

♦

After my chat with my sister, I immediately headed home and rested. I mulled things over for a bit before I was finally able to sleep. I found myself waking up past 7 pm and felt what everyone is feeling of wanting not to leave the bed. My alarm sets off, the sound echoing in my room and I groaned before turning it off and headed for shower.

Finished dressing myself up, I made a quick dinner for myself, taking note that I shouldn’t skip out dinner before heading to the hospital. Once I arrived there, I headed to my office. Only to find a bouquet of flowers resting on my desk.

Clematis Vitalba.

Taking out the almost withered flowers from the vase, I placed the new set of flowers in replacement and fixed it a bit. Noticing a small card inside the flowers, I took it out and resumed organizing the flowers until I deemed it was fine. Taking a last look on it, I nodded and took the card that I had set aside and read it.

Rest well.

I chuckled. Well, the irony at not having my rest at all. Taking the medical records with me, I head down the hallway to make my rounds. I bumped into Luhan along the way. He greeted me and took his leave and I mustered up my courage to say the words I can’t believe I’m actually going to say.

“When’s your break?” Oh. I said it.

“Huh?” I could feel the confusion in his voice and I think I’m regretting it right now. I turned to look at him and he had his eyes widen in surprise.

“Well?” I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Oh! Uh, well, it’s not really a break, since it’s the end of my shift already,” he starts off and I waited for him to continue and he looks absolutely flustered. “In an hour.”

“Did you have your dinner?” I asked and he shakes his head. Good then.

I hummed and turned my back at him. “Meet me at my office after your shift ends. I’ll be taking you out for dinner as a thanks for the flowers.” After that, I left. Not bothering to wait for his reply. He’s probably in shock, but he probably got what I said. This is a decision that I made. Not out of love or regret, but rather for a new one.

[End of Sehun's Point of View]

♦We're finally at Hunhan's chapter!

►Yay!

♦Be more enthusiastic Jude!

►How could I? You basically ended Chanbaek's relationship and labelled it as friends!

♦/whistles and looks away/

►Don't ignore me!

♦Now. Now. Let's not talk about Chanbaek in Hunhan's chapter!

►/glares/ Fine.

♦And so, the ending is almost near *coughseightcoughschapterscoughsleft*

►So, I hope you guys prepare your heart! Toodles~

♦Since when are you gay?

►Shut it.