Silencio Bella

A Pause in Time

Sehun doesn’t know what to do in a situation like this. He’s normally good at something like this, but now, he’s not and he wonders why. Luhan had passed out in front of his room door, drunk and probably won’t be awake until the next day afternoon after finding out he really reeks out of alcohol from top to bottom and to make it worse, the ones the Luhan picked were the strong ones.

Ignoring the unconscious boy, Sehun got in his room, brought his bag down and was sure to never care about Luhan’s well-being, yet finds himself walking to the front door, opening it and drags Luhan’s heavy drunk body inside his flat. It irked him to death. He doesn’t know why he’d let Luhan in or even to the point of changing his clothes. Sehun wanted to yell in frustration and throw the older male outside, but he holds himself back, reminding himself that this hotel belongs to Luhan and his jackals are probably somewhere and when he throws Luhan out, he could get killed in no time.

Sehun sighs in frustration and in distress. He gazes at the peaceful sleeping boy on his king-sized bed, admiring Luhan’s pristine face that glows with perfection and beauty. Luhan changed a lot and Sehun wanted to bite back the creeping bitter smile that makes its way to his face. He knew very well whose fault it is, but he continues to make excuses that sometimes could be labelled as unreasonable enough to discard.

Sehun continues to gaze at him, feeling this creeping sensation to touch Luhan’s hair with his fingers. Furrowing his eyebrows a bit, he slowly reaches out to at least feel Luhan is physically here with him, breathing together with him with the same air until suddenly Luhan’s eyes shot open, eyes boring at Sehun’s startled look. Yet, even though he was caught, Sehun was calm, too calm when he slowly retracts his hand that was an inch away from Luhan’s face; it was unnerving.

Luhan slowly sat up, confused eyes looking at the younger’s calm ones. The tension between them was slowly rising up and Luhan makes his move before everything is too late.

“Sehun,” Luhan croaks out with an edge in his voice. He looks around only to find himself not in his room, but rather in an unfamiliar one which he concludes it’s the younger ones. “I-I…what am I doing here?” The answer is obvious, yet the reason is unclear—unknown and Luhan wants the reason.

Sehun meets his gaze with empty ones. One that is void of emotions and Luhan wants to reach out and hold him. To let him know that this wasn’t supposed to happen. That they could get back together and change the future. But everything is not easy as it seems. Not when Sehun closes his eyes and shakes his head as if he knows what Luhan was thinking. Not when all opportunity is closed and Luhan finds himself all alone in this useless hope of his that he kept clinging on even when the younger had already let go.

“Just rest, Luhan hyung. You’ll need it,” Sehun advises, but the older could hear that there was no concern nor worry in it. It was soulless, cheap; a lie that is masked by a fraud concern. Luhan grits his teeth after feeling the pang of pain that strikes his head like a thunder that cuts through the army of cloud.

He holds his head, gripping his hair in attempt to lessen the pain, but it doesn’t and then, his gaze wanders around to settle on Sehun as the younger stands up and slowly walks past him. It was an immediate action with no prepared plan in it and Luhan stammers for the words to say as he shakily holds onto Sehun’s hand with his.

There are tears, but they don’t fall. Not yet, but soon. Soon enough when Luhan cracks under the small pressure—a pressure that anyone could bear but him. He looks around in haste, avoiding making eye contact with the younger who had spared him an attention for a clumsy act of pity and opportunity. Fumbling for words—anything—just to start a conversation, yet straight to the point of what he truly wanted; Luhan cries at the dying opportunity, because he can’t. He can’t start a conversation. He can’t tell what Sehun what he feels and tears fall like precious pearls of mermaids.

“Se-Sehun…” he calls out his name with a plea, a silent request to hear him out just this once and Sehun seems to take the bargain for he doesn’t take his hand away from Luhan’s hold and let the older do as he pleases. Agonizing heart that pounds against his chest, Luhan nimbly placed his forehead on their hands, closing his eyes as if he is praying. With tears flowing out from his eyes and with a small, child-like voice, he voices out the only thing he could think of at the moment.

“Please don’t leave me alone.”

A crackle of thunder grumbles above the dark, immense gray clouds that hides the view of the night sky of constellations. Sehun doesn’t answer and Luhan slowly lets go of his hand, accepting the answer of the unknown and stranger. The silence between them grew farther and deeper than anyone could imagine of.

Luhan had accepted it all. He was ready to let it go after Sehun’s continuous ignorance of his existence and by the fact that Sehun doesn’t care about him anymore and that they were nothing. That he was nothing. He was ready for it. Ready to let out a small laugh of pity for himself, leave the younger’s bed and walk out. He was ready for it even with the tears the clouds his vision, blurring it that makes it difficult to see through the dark room as he slowly approached the door.

Sehun watches him go, feeling a twisted pain in his heart that clenches tightly making difficult for him to breath. Luhan’s words keeps repeating on his head like a mantra that won’t go away. Gritting his teeth, Sehun goes after him, grabbing his wrist with a tug. Luhan faces him with tears flowing out from his eyes and Sehun clenches his jaw at the pressure of the situation. In one fell swoop, Luhan finds himself in Sehun’s arms, holding him tightly that it makes his heart beat loudly against his chest.

“Sehun?” His voice was small and child-like filled with worry and curiosity. He wanted to look at Sehun. Look at his face and question him for his actions. He wanted reasons. Reasons for everything that had happened because this is confusing him. Everything is. He slowly looks up, but Sehun beats him to it by murmuring a silent plea of ‘no’.

It may be Luhan’s imagination, but Sehun tightens his embrace at him letting his tears flow out more than ever. His heart swells with desperate affection and longing making him hold into Sehun, gripping his shirt tightly while he murmurs the younger’s name over and over again.

Sehun bites his lower lip, closing his eyes in a defeated manner—something echoes in his mind.

“You love him. You can’t stand him hurting more than anything in this world, Sehun. Even I know this much.”

Sehun snickers silently, a small smile made its way to his face as he relives the memories of those 3 years in America. The words of his friend echoes vibrantly in his mind, reminding him of his permanent stain of love.

‘You bastard. You dare say that to me when you can’t even handle yours.’

The night spends with hushed whispers and whimpers. Tears continue to flow like pearls under the light of the moon, brilliant and glistening with beauty. The night is filled with questions, yet no answers were made and the darkness seemed to be a bit longer than usual as if it was making time for them to speak their hearts out. (Wrong time, though)

 [Sehun’s Point of View]

Morning rise with a breath-taking view and I’m wide awake. I didn’t fall asleep even though I needed it as much as I can, but rather was awake as I watch him peacefully sleep. I calmly play with his auburn hair, feeling the silkiness and softness of it between my fingers. I smiled briefly as I was reminded of the past, telling myself I could give myself a little bit of a chance to relive the memories I treasured the most. Watching him peacefully sleep by my side with faint traces of tears that cascaded last night, I was reminded of his helpless and pitiful state.

I was supposed to leave. I was supposed to ignore him and should never even bother with everything that concerned about him, yet my walls are breaking. Tiny cracks that could easily turn into big ones and for once, I’m a little bit scared of letting it break so easily like this.

Yet with that plea of his, so simple but filled with mischief of plain innocence in it; I gave in. Not because out of pity, but rather letting myself rest from this stress-inducing charade we played for everyone and ourselves. It was exhausting at the same time, it is reality given and this is not a child’s play. Taking his fallen hands, I slowly embrace him, feeling his warm body produce an ignited spark of recognition of what was once lost before.

Our bodies perfectly fit each other like a puzzle and my body falls into a remembrance of what was once mine. The past that brought wonderful memories of a blessing and tragedy as I continue to hold him in my arms; my body falls into a relief exhaustion, finally breaking down from the weight of work and life; Luhan grips my shirt tightly as tight as he could as if his life was depended on it—I chuckled.

I surprised him twice and this is my third time surprising him. I wonder what his reaction is, but it doesn’t matter when I have him in my arms. I let out a sigh, feeling the alcohol brush my lungs painfully and I could feel Luhan shuffle awkwardly in our position, making me a little bit at ease.

“Sehun?” he calls my name and there is this silent question that follows. A question like why. Why I am doing this. You want my reason, Luhan? To be honest, I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m doing this when I told you that it’s over. That we are nothing, but strangers. I know I told you that, yet I’m breaking the rules here, aren’t I?

Pushing him down the bed, I climb above him, eyeing his flushed face with slight amusement. Leaning my face down, he automatically closes his eyes as I continue to lean my face down to his. As I was nearing his lips, my face broke out a grin as I plopped down beside him; a cheerful laughter erupts from my throat, producing a harmony of light within the dim room of mine as I looked at Luhan’s priceless expression.

It’s been a long time since I laughed and it felt like it’s been thousands of years since then.

Luhan blinks at me in confusion and I just smiled at him. It was the night where the present is forgotten and where we had gone back to the past that we once had. It was a long night and each passing second was memorable and breath-taking. But…

This is not right. Everything is not right and this is just too easy, simple and cool. Everything is flowing as if nothing had happened. This is wrong. Definitely wrong. But I miss these moments. This me whom I have forgotten. As I lay beside him, I noticed how I missed this. This feeling of being beside him once again.

And small, slender, white fingers slowly brushed away the tears that I never knew was on my eyes that had trailed down to my cheeks. I blink at him and was slowly drowned by his onyx eyes that held this warmth and deep affection for me. Only for me and will forever be mine. I close my eyes as he slowly put his hand at the back of my head and gently pushed it forward as he leaned his face in, closing in as I felt a familiar electricity spikes my nerves.

This is not right. I shouldn’t be doing this at all.          

But I am, aren’t I?

[End of Sehun’s POV]

 “You look happy today, hm?”

Sehun turns his head to where the voice came from, finding Suho walking towards him with a smile on his face—he looks a little human now with that smile on his face and a little emotion filling in his voice like curiosity and something like of being proud. Sehun snickers at his choice of words, feeling a little cautious of his actions, but decided against to when Suho stood by his side and puts a hand on his shoulder.

“What brought that splendid stoic face of yours to smile?” Suho teased merrily and Sehun shrugs his hand away, annoyance clearly evident in his eyes when he looked at the older male questioningly.

“Cut the crap, hyung. I’m not a statue,” he retorts with a scowl on his face. Suho raises his hands in surrender, not wanting to fight and lowered them down when Sehun looked away from him, watching the busy city instead from the rails of the balcony garden. Suho watches together with him and silence settled on them with ease as bright coloured lights danced below gracefully like waltz; Suho whispers enough for Sehun to hear.

“But it’s such a rare sight to see you smile so genuinely, you know? It’s as if something happened, am I right, Sehun?” Suho looks at him with those gentle eyes and the younger meets his gaze with wide eyes filled with shock, yet didn’t say anything, letting Suho continues with his little speech.

“The time you left was a mark of the end of the past. The time you came back was the mark of the wounded present. How will the future survive if the present dies along with you?”

“Stop with the literary speech hyung. Just get straight to the point,” Sehun harshly replies and when he realized it, he bit his lower lip to say anything harmful any further. Suho understands and chuckles lightly, knowing well what the younger is pointing out and he grants the younger his wish.

“Your walls are breaking, Sehun. Luhan…you’ve avoided him like plague and burned every past you had with him. Treated him like a stranger and moved on with life as if there was no past that would tie you down,” Suho paused to stare at him, his eyes held something that Sehun could never decipher as if it was a pain that can’t be escaped no matter what, before Suho smiles that didn’t reach his eyes nor was it even halfway there.

“Yet, you always sneak a glance from time to time when he isn’t looking, talked about him comfortably because there were memories stored deep inside and not burned to ashes, treated him like a human being because you didn’t want him to hurt as much if you would treat him like a person with a forgotten past and moved on without a shadow and marks in your steps.” His words were light, simple, clear and true like crystal water that held no impurities and darkness in it.

“Do you know why Sehun? Why you put this charade up for everyone to see?”

And there were tears. Tears that flow out unwillingly in his will and he doesn’t speak to retort back nor did he move to wipe the tears away because he’s too busy absorbing the words, digesting them and letting them sink into his mind, heart and soul and let him know that this is something he needs to fix, change and face because….

“Because you’re running away.”

Sehun stands alone, shadow small and alone and normally, everyone would just think he is doing fine. Yet, if one would take a closer look, you would find some tears trickling down to his cheeks and hear him mumble some inaudible words only for him and the wind to hear.

“Am I running away?”

A question that has no answer, because Sehun’s not sure. He’s not too sure anymore about his charade and everything that runs across his view. The question echoes in his mind and so does Suho’s words, vibrating and sinking itself into his brain. He questions his actions, his lies and the decisions he made for his new self, to everyone and to Luhan.

Luhan.

It struck him like an arrow. An arrow that pierced the truth right into his soul, mind and heart, slowly spreading the pain inside and let himself know the weight of his sins fall to a broken rhythm of the scale.

And amidst to his silent thinking, two figures looks at him from above the railings of the 3^rd floor. Watching him as he indulge himself to a silent and deep thought of himself and the future he was about to make. One of them slowly turns away, muttering some words to himself until the other asked him about it.

The chestnut haired man smiles sadly at him as he turns his head to the other. “There is no happy ending in this reality.”

And he walks away; leaving the man whose face was marked with a pained smile, closes his eye and let the winds flutter his hair and bandage as he continues also to run away from the reality that was in front of them.

And hello *waves hand* And even though I said it's Saturday morning, I forgot. Sorry about that. This chapter was and is supposed to be long, yet I cut it into two. It was for the sake to keep the thrill on (just for me though) Nah, not really. I just wanted to focus on Sehun and Luhan for this chapter yet I still inserted a bit of Suho here....well, don't blame me. I'm itching to write Sulay you know. Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! XOXO.

P.S. No color coding because I don't know! If anyone is willing to give me the color coding for each, I shall love you forever.

-Jude