Silencio Bella

Turnabout 02: Options

“Director,” a low, dull voice calls out to the man who hangs his head low, watching the busy streets through his window with downcast eyes. His eyes were trained at the outside world, auditory senses buzzing at zero level and the man with a messy hair couldn’t do anything but roll his eyes before calling out the director once more. Second and thrice were futile and the man opts to leave when the director responded to his calling, voice a bit above a whisper but it was enough to hear and to know that his efforts weren’t in vain.

“Director Xing,” he calls out once again to make sure that the director is listening to him and it wasn’t just his hallucination that the man actually had answered him and that maybe his own auditory senses were failing him highly in this world. And to his surprise, the director is actually listening and he suppressed a sigh of relief. “What is it Daehyun?” he answers back with a calm tone, expression vague but Daehyun decided that it was enough to continue on what he had to say.

He wouldn’t beat around the bush anymore and decided that he would cut straight to the point to what he wanted to say. “Please consider the option to unplug the life-support equipment of your son, Dir. Xing,” he starts slowly, voice calm and steady. Dir. Xing had averted his gaze towards him, eyes filled with questions and yet, they looked defeated and tired. Daehyun pitied him. Really, he did. “I know that I have neither business nor the authority to give you options on what you must do to your son, but please consider the people around you and the people who knew and loved Yixing.”

Dir. Xing stared at him and Daehyun prepares for whatever it is to come, but surprisingly, the director simply looks away and closes his eyes. If any better, Daehyun was sure he saw the grieving look on the director’s face for a split second before it settled to his usual poker face. Running with numerous thoughts in his head, Dir. Xing slowly opens his eyes, watching the busy street under his window before he replies, “Should I? Should I consider that option and unplug his life-support equipment Daehyun? Who knows that he might wake up any moment now and if that moment is the same moment I unplug the life-support, will I be able to bear the guilt that I have done?” He looks at Daehyun with a broken look on his face and offers a small smile, questioning and looking for answers from him. And Daehyun was reminded of that smile; a smile likes Suho’s. “By killing my own child who should have woken up by that moment, will I be able to take it?”

Silence ensues and Dir. Xing continues to stare at the doctor in front of him, shoulders tensing a bit before it relaxes and eyes held the same indifference among other things. He watches the doctor purses his lips for a moment before it settles into a frown as if to say that he shouldn’t bother thinking about the answer because all of them knew what it would be. The director waits for him to tell him, waits to hear it from his mouth, but the words that he hears weren’t the words he wanted to hear from him at all.

“I’m not obliged to dictate on what you should do Dir. Xing. I’m not the one you should be asking and I’m sure you know who you should be asking by now. I merely gave you an option and it’s up to you whether you take it or not or pass the option to someone else. The decision is yours.”

“And if I’ll ask you then Daehyun, do you vote on unplugging the life-support equipment of Yixing?” he asks, a sad smile plastered on his face for he already knows the answer and yet he wanted to confirm. Daehyun merely shrugs, mumbling something under his breath before he responded with an off-look on his face that the director haven’t seen on his face since the first time the doctor had settled in this hospital.

“I’m neutral. I don’t vote for anything. If a person dies, he dies. If he lives, he lives. That’s merely the cycle of life. For one to be born, one must die in order for another one to live.” And with those words, Daehyun excused himself. Closing the door with a soft click, Dir. Xing couldn’t help but let out a tired sigh. Rubbing his temple trying to ease the incoming headache he feels, Dir. Xing asks himself if he could ever do it.

He could almost feel the bitter, sickening feeling in his gut and he bites on his lower lip to suppress a choked sob as the facts comes down and sinks in deeper than he could imagine.  He knew. That sooner or later, he must end Yixing’s suffering. He knew that he would one day learn of that choice—to unplug Yixing’s life-support equipment—but it was way too soon. Way too soon for his heart. But no. It’s not because he wasn’t ready, but rather there’s someone who he’s been worrying over about. The one who suffered long enough, who merely wanted to love someone and spend his life with. The man who wished for everyone’s happiness rather than his and the one who stayed and stood stronger than anyone else who suffered. A simple, grieving man who continued to love and wait for the man who lies asleep for four years and who continued to live more than anyone else.

It was none other than Suho himself. The man who sacrificed and lost a lot, yet was given in return with nothing.

Kim Joonmyeon.

Why are the choices so easy to make yet choosing is always the hard one?

♦

They were eating at the canteen, a tray of several treats and some dishes to be eaten by two individuals. The cafeteria buzzes with noises, murmurs about what had happened in the grand concert and the free play concert that was going to be held in their school. Baekhyun chews on his strawberry-filled bread, loving the sweet taste of strawberry in his taste bud, yet the thought of that his sweets are still better than the one he was eating made him smile.

He had been feeling glum for the past weeks that brought out worries from his friends and from his brother causing him to apologize to them and tells them that he was fine and nothing troubled him at all. Though he knew that they didn’t buy a single about his lie, they were kind enough to overlook the matter and let him do as he pleases.

Weeks had passed by and the grand concert had faded away just like that. The Grand Syncronicity II had also vanished from his grasp when he locked himself up at the mansion, refusing to leave and missed everything in the outside world; everything had burned to ashes and his state of mind zeroed to blank. He was in pain at first when he realized he had missed the great opportunity and when the director had reprimanded him severely for his actions.  But then the pain slowly faded when he reasoned out to himself and blamed it to the man who had been the cause of his problems and soon it was all gone. He was at ease and he concluded that it was for the best. That what he had done was for the best. For him and Chanyeol.

He had come across the fact that he’s so up with the problem about Chanyeol that he forgot himself. He wanted to laugh at the fact that he had been a fool. An idiot for chasing someone who no longer cares about him. He was a stranger to him and besides, he already had Lucas with him. So what’s the point of chasing someone who’s no longer within your grasp?

He was supposed to give up. He was supposed to bury everything and make peace with Chanyeol. Giving his blessings to them and cut all ties with the past and start over, but instead he was faced into a troublesome question that left him gaping and staring at the face of the exchange student with a look of disbelief and shock.

“Senpai, do you love Chanyeol sensei?” Ren asked with curiosity laced in his voice, head titling a bit to the side to give an effect of genuine curiosity and innocence in that question.

Baekhyun, apparently, was reduced to sputtering denials and loud, screeching voice with the lines that go along ‘Oh my god Ren! What the hell are you talking about?!’ and other excuses that soon died down when the Japanese exchange student simply stared at him, neutrality plastered on his face making it difficult for Baekhyun to decipher whether he bought the he was reasoning out or whether Ren was studying him if he was lying at all. Baekhyun thinks it’s the latter one.

After a long silence ensued, Ren smiled and comments merrily, “Ah! So you do like him!” Baekhyun screeched in denial, trying to reason out and escape from the topic at hand, but with the cheery expression on the latter’s face that looked like it wasn’t going to back down until he spilled the truth and by the fact that the exchange student looked like Chanyeol made it even worse for him and even escaping is out of the option and would result to a horrible outcome that he wouldn’t dare try to imagine at all.

In the end, he chose to stay silent, face red and head hanged low. Ren took it as a sign that it is a ‘yes’ and chuckles. Baekhyun wondered if he could just die right there and then due to his embarrassment or if the gods are willing to make him disappear right at this moment. He waited for Ren’s teasing remarks (but he doubt he would do that because the Japanese student is innocent as a kid, but Baekhyun wondered if Hope and Jin’s dark and erted personalities had influenced the poor child while he was away (Hope and Jin sneezed at the same time as they look at their sheets and looked at each other with a dazed look on their faces)) and to his surprise, nothing of sort had come to attack him. He looked up and saw Ren looking at the side, his palm supporting his chin while he looked like he was in daze with a frown apparent on his face.

“Ren?” he called out his name, but the latter didn’t respond. He called his name again and the younger snapped out of his trance state and gave quick glance at him before pulling up an apologetic smile. “Sorry senpai,” he apologized but Baekhyun wasn’t convinced. He felt something off with the younger but couldn’t put a finger on it as Ren scratched the back of his head and apologized once more. He went back to his former self , but Baekhyun couldn’t get out the nagging feeling, yet this unpleasant feeling was pushed aside when the interrogation began that led him to stare blankly at the younger male.

“What?”

“Senpai~ I asked how did you come in terms that you like Chanyeol sensei? What did you like about him? How long have you been in love with him? What’s your current relationship with him? Does he know that you like him? Or have you guys done it? If so, the—,” the younger was cut off by a loud slam on the table and a vicious glare which had Ren shut his mouth in an instant. Several students had looked at their way, murmuring at the commotion that Baekhyun was making and Ren quietly gestured an apology to them. Rubbing a hand over his face, Baekhyun scowled at him and the latter grins up at him with a mischievous intent. Knowing he wouldn’t be able to get away, the older opted to answer the younger’s question, yet tried not to bring out some important details.

“Alright alright. I’ll answer your damn questions. Just stay quiet until I finished, got it?” he said with a sigh and he watched Ren grins at him happily to have him defeated. He cleared his throat and wondered where he should actually begin. Several thoughts ran on his head at the same time and he lets out another tired sigh, completely getting fed up where he should actually start. While he was struggling where to actually start, Ren continued to observe him, watching the older male grits his teeth and look absolutely irritated with a shadow of being exhausted while thinking about what to say. His heart ached a bit, but he quickly sets it aside and decides that maybe the older male didn’t want to talk about it.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to answer my questions senpai. I’m not forcing you and this isn’t an interrogation to begin with. I…I just wanted to know, I guess?” he gives a quick smile to a stunned Baekhyun, before resuming. “So it’s fine if you don’t want to answer. Maybe I’ll hear it next time when you feel like it.”

Ren expected that Baekhyun would agree with him, but he was surprised when the former rejects his idea and he looked at him blankly as the older blushed a bit and scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

“No, I mean, I’ll tell you okay? I just don’t know where to start. How do I say this?” Baekhyun casted his eyes downward before speaking up. “Chanyeol and I have known each other for so long as I can remember. We have been best friends back then, but due to circumstances, we grew apart. We met once again and had been friends, yet we grew apart once more. I guess when I realized that he was gone once more, I felt the aching pain in my heart, yet I denied having those feelings because he was my best friend, you know?” He looked at Ren with a sad smile on his face before he resumed, voice stable, yet laced with hurt and seeking for comfort. “I couldn’t harbour those feelings for him and for three years, I lied to myself because he was my best friend and that was why I was feeling the pain in my heart. Then once more, we met and everything had changed ever since. It had been different since then. My feelings have become mashed up all together; leaving me confused and helpless which brought out the feelings I had buried long ago and had made me realized that I’m in love with him.”

Baekhyun lets out a ragged sigh, hiding his trembling fists on his lap before he looks up with a small smile that in the eyes of Ren, he could clearly see the image of heartbroken man. “Pathetic, isn’t it?”

Taking his fork, he plays a little bit with his leftover slice, before taking a small portion of the bread and takes a bite, calming himself in the process. Baekhyun noticed that Ren had been unusually quiet for some reason, but pushed the thought back down when he came up with a reason that Ren must be being polite about his situation and decided that it would be best to keep quiet. Sometime later, their usual atmosphere returned and he strikes a conversation with the younger male in which the latter reciprocated without a second thought and both indulged in the newly found topic.

As time crossed by, they left the cafeteria and headed to the west wing hall going straight to the central main hall. Arriving at the hall, Baekhyun stops abruptly when Ren had spilled out the words that he wanted to tell him back at the cafeteria and he turned to look at Ren with wide eyes, shock apparent at his face. Ren knew he had no business in Baekhyun’s life, but with all the bull circling around the man, whom he admires and respects a lot, ticks him off and meddling came in as an outlet of his anger.

“Then why don’t you tell him? Tell him that you actually like him, senpai? You’re hurting, you know. Even if you had done something wrong back then, I’m sure he had forgiven for you for it. I mean, you’re best friends, right? And you harbouring those feelings for him aren’t bad at all!”

“Ren…”

“So why do you have to keep hurting yourself like this?” Ren whispers, tears forming at the corner of his eyes, yet it doesn’t fall. Feeling surprised at the sudden outburst of the young lad, Baekhyun’s heart clenches at the sight. He already feels pitiful having this unrequited love for Chanyeol, but his heart bore pain seeing the boy who resembled like Chanyeol cry over his broken heart. He doesn’t even deserve this kindness from the Japanese exchange student nor did he deserve to be cried over for just because he went to such a painful event of his life. He doesn’t, yet he got it and it brought out an unknown warmth and happiness in his heart like a seed that got out of its shell and had sprouted its first stem and two leaves. 

He scanned the area and by miracle, their area is less frequented by students especially of those who are not often associated with old model pianos and other musical instruments and fortunate enough that there aren’t students besides them at the central main hall. He looks at the crying tall man, tiptoeing a bit and reaches out to pat the younger’s head wherein  it caught the younger man in surprise and looked at him with bleary, puffy eyes.

Baekhyun smiles at him, the smile wherein he only gives to his brother and Chanyeol back then; a smile that shows nothing but gratefulness and authenticity with eyes shining with appreciation and he mutters a small ‘thank you’. He took back his hand and offers the latter his handkerchief which Ren took it reluctantly and proceeds with wiping off his tears. As he does so, Baekhyun gives him a light slap on the shoulder and their eyes met where Baekhyun exhales rather loudly causing for the younger to tense and worry crept on his face immediately. “Worrying about me when I’m at this age, honestly, am I some kind of old man?”

“B-but!”

Baekhyun eyed him before grinning. “Just kidding. Thanks for helping me out Ren. It took out some burden in my chest and I’m grateful for your help. It made my mind clear about a few things and—,” he stops to take back his handkerchief from the younger and flicks him at his forehead, earning himself a yelp and he chuckles. “Even without you telling me, I plan to tell him my feelings.”

“Senpai…”

“So don’t waste your tears on me okay?” Baekhyun turns around, feeling the scratch on his throat more than necessary and proceeds to walk to northeast hallway for the piano rooms. Ren stood rooted on the ground speechless and soon clenches his jaw and fists, mouth open wide to tell something. “But senpai I—!” I like you that’s why I care! His words died out on his throat before it could even be uttered, and he hangs his head low in cowardice and defeat.

The taste of bitterness spreads on his tongue like a poison dipped in blood. Horrid, awful and disgusting.

♦

“How’s your life, Ji? Is it going well on your side?” Yixing asks after he sets down the carnation among the other flowers he had been collecting over the previous days. Ji swings her legs above the tree, her white gown billows with elegance as the sun shines through the leaves and leaves a sparkle of sun dust dancing along her frame. She puffed her cheek, reddish-brown eyes steeled at concentration at the fields beyond them.

“It’s alright. A bit boring without you there though oppa.”

“Is that so? Sorry, I haven’t been feeling good these days so I don’t know if I can go for a journey to your place.” Yixing picks a small baby’s breath, smiling a bit and lays it gently with the chrysanthemums beside him. Ji diverts her attention to him, legs swinging and eyes filled with curiosity.

“It’s fine. I can wait. What do you have there?”

“Hm? Flowers I’ve been picking around the fields. They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”

Ji stopped swinging her legs, eyes narrowing at the flowers before taking a leap down from the bough of the tree, carefully touching the ground before her feet snuggles on the river of grass. She crouches and takes a look at them, humming at herself as Yixing continues to arrange them.

“They’re beautiful indeed. But why do you have them?” Ji asks and Yixing abruptly stops, movements stilled as the questions runs over again in his head.

‘Why do I have them, indeed? Why am I arranging them in the first place?’

Noticing her brother’s silence, Ji picks a pink camellia among the varied carnations and hyacinths adorned with zinnias at the middle. She sighs before noticing an azalea near her brother’s foot and she didn’t stop the pained and defeated smile come across her face.

“Tell me something oppa. Are you happy being with me?”

“Of course I am! Why would you ask me such a ridiculous question?” Yixing replied quite angrily, but Ji simply smiled and mumbled an apology.

“Say since you’re collecting flowers, are you planning to turn it to a flower crown?”

Yixing nodded and a soft smile appeared in his face which caught Ji in surprise. “Yeah, I plan to turn it to a flower crown and give it to someone.”

“Someone? Other than me?”

“Yeah. I mean, of course I would also give  you a flower crown, but I plan to give it to a friend.”

“A friend? First time I ever heard of that. Humour me for a bit dear brother, about that friend of yours.”

“Why does your tone imply that you’re jealous?” Yixing teased with a certain glint in his eyes as he stared at his sister.

Ji rolled her eyes. “Am not. Please do give me some information about that friend of yours.”

Yixing closed his eyes and tried to reminisce the day when he first found somebody besides his sister and himself. “Well, I was at my usual place in the shade of the tree and reading the book you gave me about a kid with horrible parents. While I was at the midst of reading, I heard a voice.”

“A voice?”

Yixing nodded. “Yes, a voice. I thought I was hallucinating, but then that voice started speaking again and I realized it was talking to me. I was creeped out at first so I left, but the next day it was there again. Talking to me and I couldn’t help but reply. Eventually I found comfort from that voice alone when you’re not beside me, but I was curious. I asked the voice if it has a body and to my shock, it answered that yes, it has a body. And that very body is just behind the tree that I usually take refuge from.”

Ji was silent for a moment, before asking whether he had seen the ‘body’ or the ‘person’.

“No. I didn’t want to. I’m afraid to find someone besides us. I told that voice and it understood. It would tell me stories when I’m not reading a book and soon enough, we became friends. I thought of giving it a flower crown as a gift.”

“Oh. So that friend of yours would tell you stories when I’m away huh?”

“Yeah. The stories were quite interesting and I’m especially intrigued by the latest story. The story was about a young man who fell in love with a girl yet the girl died early and after that tragic incident, he became a doctor. He was originally a doctor, but became a nurse in disguise. He was placed by the director of the hospital to take care of his own sickly child. The patient was at first scared, but slowly opened up to the doctor then soon the patient fell in love with the doctor. Quite a pity that the doctor doesn’t feel the same way though. It ends with the patient getting involved in an accident that led to a four year comatose and the doctor is still waiting for the patient to wake up. Such a tragic story.” Yixing mumbles the last part genuinely as if he could relate to it. Ji stared at him and wonders if he even recognize that it was his own story that he was talking about.

“Indeed. A very interesting tale.”

“Isn’t it? The voic-ah. I shouldn’t call the person a ‘voice’ or ‘it’ huh? I mean the person is a guy, so I should use ‘he’ by now.”

“Oh. It’s a guy.”

“Yeah.”

“Wait. It’s a guy?!”

“Um, yes? I mean the voice sound like a guy?” Yixing replied nervously. Ji shook her head, appalled, but now, she knows who this friend of his. He came to pick him up.

“I guess it’s time, isn’t it? No more elisium. No more of this somniatis.”Ji muttered to herself, before letting go the pink camellia and she looks at her brother.

 “Oppa,” she softly calls his name and Yixing snaps out of his train of thoughts and looks at his sister, confusion written on his face.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Forgetting something? What do you mean?” Yixing looked at her with a panicked expression and Ji continues to break the walls that he had placed upon himself and the wish she had yearned for both of them.

“Oppa, aren’t you forgetting about Joonmyeon? Suho?”

Time halts and everything seems to be a blur. Yixing’s eyes widened at her and she calmly waits for him to answer. She picks up a General Poppy, twirling it with her fingers and tucks it behind her ear, adorning her graceful and elegant self with more beauty that it could ever take. Yixing feels the sudden pain at his chest, the fire that was never to be rekindled, yet was given a fuel that immediately grew and spread like wildfire inside him, consuming him with burning flames of like the phoenix. 

Missing memories comes by, flashing before his eyes and tears come out involuntarily, heart wrenching in pain and his throat tightens as he gasps and he buries both of his hands on the silvery grass, clenching at it as he regained the pieces of his soul and memories. He watches his tears drop on the ground as his mouth shakily opens, words colliding and obscured. Then suddenly, his body stilled and tears continue to flow as he returned back as a whole.

His mouth opens and he whispers, “Suho?”

♦

“Wait. Could you repeat it again?” Jongdae looks at his brother with an all-knowing smile, but Kyungsoo wasn’t having any of it. He punches Jongdae’s arm with a bit force, eliciting a yelp from the older male.

“Hyung! I repeated it already like five times already! Are you even taking me seriously?” Kyungsoo’s voice shook in despair and grief and Jongdae panics a bit, groaning to himself before he pats the younger’s head to comfort the latter. Kyungsoo glared at him and he quickly retracted his hand and scratched his head.

“Fine, I’ll cut it out. I’ll review what I’ve learned so far, okay?”

“Like hell you need to review it,” Kyungsoo mutters angrily to himself, but loud enough for Jongdae to hear. He ignores it by clearing his throat and ran back through the story that his brother had been telling him for hours.

“…and so he kissed you out of nowhere, apologized for kissing you and then you slapped him in the face because apparently, it was just like a cat having a look into curiosity for him and you felt so embarrassed and broken that you stormed out of your own flower shop; only to come back at late night to close it because you’re scared that you might run into him. So far, did I get the facts right?” Jongdae looks at his brother only to receive a heated glare, but the younger nodded to confirm his story was about right. Jongdae lets out a tired sigh, falling back to his bed with a ‘thud’ and places his arm on his face; tuning out his brother.

Baffled at the sight, Kyungsoo shakes him hard, calling out his name in annoyance. “Hyung!”

Minseok laughs at the sight he’s watching. He feels warm seeing the two brothers talking to each other again like they used to before. He smiles at their brotherhood, but mostly to his boyfriend, who seemingly went back to the Jongdae of the high school years, yet this time, it’s mingled with the Jongdae of the present that it creates a new character of his love one. It’s a new Jongdae that he doesn’t know, yet wished to be with and Minseok thinks it’s enough for their future together.

He prepares their hot chocolates, bringing out the tray and goes over to them. The brothers stopped fighting eventually, Jongdae with a bed hair and punctured needles tube a bit disarray while Kyungsoo has his hair sticking out to different places, clothes unkempt and eyes puffy. Minseok rethinks that their brotherly relationship isn’t healthy at all. He intervenes by handing them their own mug of hot chocolate and he watches Kyungsoo sat near the foot of the bed, eyes downcast with a troubled expression gracing his face.

He looks at Jongdae who meets his eyes and the latter turns his head away in a childish tantrum and Minseok thinks that it’s hard to be the older one. “Honestly, you two...”

Minseok looks at the younger brother, taking a sip on his hot choco, marvelling the taste after before he questions the whole ordeal. “What are you angry about Kyungsoo? Aren’t you glad that he kissed you?”

Kyungsoo’s head quickly turned to him, eyes wider than ever it could be. “WHAT?!” Minseok winced at his response while Jongdae groans, muttering ‘fools love’ under his breath. Minseok tilts his head to the side, confusion written on his face. And obviously, Kyungsoo didn’t know this would be coming right at his face, so he didn’t mentally prepare. Not at all. So when the question was asked, his whole body froze and his mind zeroed to blankness; all thoughts erased and numbness ran through his whole body.

“Weren’t you in love with him?”

Kyungsoo blinked. Damn. He wasn’t expecting that. Not at all.He was left speechless for the next few seconds before everything came back crashing down and his face immediately heats up like a newly bloomed rose. He still wasn’t able to speak even though his motor and communication gears were functioning and the silence made Minseok and his brother took it as a confirmation.

“Ah, so you do love the guy,” Minseok and Jongdae uttered at the same time, a glint of slyness was apparent on their eyes and Kyungsoo seemed to returned back to reality as he sputtered his reply. “W-w-w-what?!”

“Oh? Playing dumb, huh? That’s nice, but it doesn’t suit you Kyungsoo,” Jongdae mocks him and Kyungsoo sharply glares at him, but Jongdae didn’t back down. Their glare contest was interrupted when Minseok intervened to pop the next question and Kyungsoo could only blink at him.

“So what is it? Do you like Jongin or not? I mean the guy had been like a puppy following you around for the past years. Though the situation changed much when this year had approached, but the guy still made time for you right?”

Kyungsoo grits his teeth before letting a defeated sigh out. “I do like him. That I admit.”

“You love him,” Jongdae corrected him, but Kyungsoo ignored him.

“So what’s the problem?”

“…the kiss,” Kyungsoo mutters, ears red in embarrassment and Jongdae’s been having fun way too much. Minseok pointedly look at him and his lover had grumbled like a scolded child, but didn’t say anything else.

“So it’s about the kiss? Are you angry at him for kissing you just because of his curiosity to elicit some reaction from you or to put it down, experimenting some theory? Or are you angry at yourself for actually hoping something from him when he kissed you out of nowhere wherein you deluded yourself that he might have an ounce of liking you back also?” Minseok listed him the options and Kyungsoo grips his cooled chocolate drink, clenching his jaws and then, he relaxes.

“Both,” he replies with a pained tone in his voice and Jongdae looks at him with an undefined expression on his face. “I’m angry at him and at myself. I’m angry at the fact that he played with me like a fool. Kissing me out of nowhere. The nerve of that jerk. But what I’m angry the most at is myself. Believing that he might actually like me back after the conversation I had with Suho that I had been so obvious in being in love with Jongin that everyone knows except me until the kiss made me realize the feelings I had for him was real and it’s not just a simple infatuation. I’m angry at the fact that I hoped on that moment that maybe Jongin caught on and maybe, just maybe, he liked me back. But then he apologized and I saw red and I just—,” Kyungsoo stopped as tears flowed out from his eyes, hands shaking and Minseok took the mug from him, setting it at the nightstand beside Jongdae’s bed.

Kyungsoo felt himself be pulled into a hug, relief comes to his body when he recognized the warmth of his brother and he lets himself be enveloped in it. It eases his heart a bit, though it didn’t stop the ache in his throat to let out a sob. When he noticed a tissue held out to him, he looks up to see a gentle smile from Minseok and he thanks him in a whisper and took the tissue gratefully as he wiped his tears.

“It just hurts you know? I just wanted to feel what it likes to be in love again. Being rejected once, I don’t think I can handle the second one,” Kyungsoo speaks and none of them answers back, feeling the mood dampened with grief. Minseok offers him his mug again and Kyungsoo takes it with a small smile on his face. He drinks a bit, before holding the mug between his hands again, liking its preserved warmth in the mug.

After a few silent minutes, Jongdae spoke behind him, voice calm and steady. “Why don’t you speak with him? You plan to apologize to him later, right? Think of it as a chance to know what he feels. If he feels the same way about you, be happy. But if he doesn’t, let him go. He doesn’t deserve the tears and love you have been crying out for him.” Kyungsoo shuddered and he lowered his head, biting his lip before he shook his head. “I can’t do it.”

“Kyungsoo…”

Kyungsoo closes his eyes and lets out a shaky breath. “I can’t. I just can’t. I plan on apologizing to him via text, but other than that…I just simply can’t do it. What you’re asking from me is too much.” He sounded defeated, almost as if he lost hope for his unrequited love for the younger male.

“But Kyungsoo he—,” Minseok tries to convince him that it’s not what he thinks it is. That Jongin is not that kind of a fool he think he is. That Jongin also reciprocate his feelings, but the look that Kyungsoo gave him made him shut his mouth. The conversation is over and neither Jongdae nor Minseok brought it up again while Kyungsoo wallowed in his misery, looking lost as he stares at his cooled chocolate drink.

After all, action speaks louder than words.

♦

After awhile, Kyungsoo left them to go back to his flower shop, distractedly talking about preparing some bouquet for the elderly man who ordered it a few days ago. Sort of like an anniversary, he says. When he was gone, Jongdae felt all his energy left him, feeling drained and exhausted than usual. His actions earlier may be misinterpreted that he doesn’t care for his younger brother, but he really does love him. He would do anything for his brother, yet when it comes to the issue of love; Jongdae’s not too sure what to do for him. He had learned his lessons not to meddle anymore when the last time Kyungsoo had been broken over Joonmyeon. Kyungsoo practically hated him for getting involved in his love life.  Now that it comes for the second time, he didn’t want to intervene, but when Kyungsoo actually came to him to ask for some help; he doesn’t know what to do.

Sure, he’s not too sure on what to do and it resulted to teasing Kyungsoo about it, but it doesn’t mean that he’s not going to do something about it. He’s the hyung. He’s the one that Kyungsoo ever looked up ever since they were kids and it’s been his duty to take care of his brother ever since then. If his legs weren’t vegetables to begin with, he would have gone ahead and gone to slap some sense at Jongin, scold him severely for making his brother cry and probably get him to man up and confess already.

“That’s a bad idea, Jongdae,” Minseok says and the latter glares at him. “That’s so old-fashioned, don’t you think?” Minseok walks over to him, carrying a basket of cookies he made from his shop and offers it to the younger in which Jongdae takes some and bites on the star-shaped cookie.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s old-fashioned. I mean, look at Jongin. Everyone could see that he loves my brother and Kyungsoo reciprocates those feelings, but both of them don’t see it. What are they? Blind?” Jongdae groans at their obliviousness. “Oh, wait. Love is blind.”

“Now, now. Give them some slack. Things were also difficult on their part. Kyungsoo had been taking care of you and if you remember some episodes, he had several breakdowns and Jongin had been there to comfort him.” At the mention of the incident, Jongdae averts his attention away from his boyfriend and Minseok merely sighed, knowing that Jongdae’s still feeling guilty about it. “I think Jongin is aware of his own feelings, but he didn’t want to tell Kyungsoo about it in the midst of the situation he was in. He probably pushed it back for his sake.”

Jongdae puffs his cheeks out and Minseok chuckled and lightly peck his left cheek, grinning as he pulled back when he saw a blush across the former’s face.

Jongdae looks away, puffing his cheeks as he sulk. “So it’s my fault then?”

Minseok glanced at him before taking a cookie. “Nah, sometime things happen for a better ending. Besides, I bet Jongin have realized something from that incident. Let’s just wait and see, okay?” He takes a bite and lightly pecked the younger on the lips, a grin on his face when Jongdae blushed and sighed in defeat.

“Damn, you’re so sly. Fine then.”

“Thanks babe. Now then, let’s get you up since it’s time for your therapy.”

♦

[Kris’s Point of View]

I was on my way to meet with some of the shareholders when my phone rang. It was from Baekhyun.

“Hyung?”

“Baekhyun? What is it? Is there something you need?”

“Are you busy? I…Can we talk?”

From his voice, I knew that there was something wrong. As if he just came back from crying over something that had been lost, but what’s worse is that he sounded defeated, as if he was about to give up. And from then, I realized that the meeting with the shareholders isn’t important right now, but rather my brother who trusted me enough to share what he feels.

“Where are you? I’ll be ri-,”

“No! I mean, it’s okay if I’ll have to wait. I already called your secretary and she told me your schedule, so it’s fine. I can wait so meet up with those shareholders, okay?”

“But…”

“It’s fine. Just go.”

Honestly, this kid. But I guess that’s what I have to do now. If I didn’t go, he’ll probably get mad at me for it, so I guess I’ll oblige for now.

“Okay then. Tell me where we’ll meet up and I’ll see you there after I finish with the meeting.”

♦

This is not what I had on my mind when he said he wanted to talk. 416 street huh? Really now. “Tell me, Baekhyun. Why are we in a girl’s café again?”

Baekhyun seemed outright offended with what I’ve just said and I honestly don’t understand, but he seemed to be fighting for justice about this café.

“Brother! I told you it’s not a girl’s café! It’s just a simple café with all sweets and pastries lined up.” His face shouted anger, but I couldn’t help it. I’m not really the type of person to judge a thing base on its appearance, but honestly, who would go for a pink-coloured theme café especially a man in his late 20’s?

“Alright. Alright. I apologize, okay? I shouldn’t have judged the cafe just because it was pink. I’m sorry.” He seemed to accept my apology when he robbed me of my strawberry shortcake and I couldn’t help but be relieved.  Silence ensued for awhile until Baekhyun broke it after he drank his Shirley Temple.

“The reason why I called you was because of Chanyeol, hyung.” Oh. So it was about him. I knew the day would come where he’ll ask me about him, but I didn’t think that it would right now. Hopefully that whatever he asks, I’ll be able to answer it without exposing Chanyeol’s secret to him.

“What about him, Baek?” I asked coolly and I watched him cast his gaze downward then heaving out a sigh before looking up to meet my gaze.

“Would you answer me if I asked you what had happened to him for the past three years?”

I would have said yes if I didn’t make a promise with Chanyeol. But I did and even if it pains me not to tell my own brother about this, I believe Chanyeol would tell him soon enough. I shook my head and I could already imagine his expecting expression to fall and feel disappointed, but what I saw instead was an understanding one. As if he understood my reason as to why I can’t tell him and the guilt pierced me even more.

“I’m sorry Baek.” He shook his head and gave me instead a soft smile making me even guiltier than before.

“It’s alright, hyung. I understand if you can’t tell me. I plan to tell him of my feelings you know?”

“Your feelings? You’ve realized what it was?”

“Yeah. A long time ago actually. But the pain that he left me had me pushing back my feelings for him and it sparked again when I saw him back at school. I’m really sorry causing you guys trouble back then. It was due to my feelings for him and by the fact that he has someone else already. It was a hard trial to pass, but I do hope I’ll be able to tell him about these feelings of mine and hear his side,” he said with a forced cheerful expression to mask his pain. My heart broke at his suffering.

“You don’t have to force yourself you know? You’ll get hurt again,” I replied, concerned.

Baekhyun decided to give me his usual smile and replied in a determined voice. “Don’t worry, I can handle this. Even if he doesn’t reciprocate, I’m willing to let him go. Just for his sake and his happiness. That’s what I’ve decided.”

And by his words, I couldn’t reply anymore. He was willing to let go of Chanyeol if the said guy wouldn’t choose him. The truth has been already laid out, hasn’t it? The fact that my brother knew that it was a loss cause, but he wanted to try for one last time. He knew it wouldn’t change anything, but he still hoped that maybe by a miracle, the table will be turned. And as his brother, I have no choice but to give in to his decision. Whatever it may be, I will support him and if the time came, I will comfort him.

[End of Kris’s Point of View]

♦

[Baekhyun’s Point of View]

“How about you hyung? How are you holding up so far?” I asked, changing the topic quickly as I can. I don’t want to talk about it any further because if it did, I might just break down from it. No point in dwelling in plans, but I have to take action. As I quickly buried the topic about Chanyeol at the back of my mind, something else is nagging me for the past few days. I realized that Kris hyung had his own problems as well and I wondered if he had taken care of it. When I had asked him, he seemed petrified for a moment before letting out an obvious fake cough.

“What are you talking about Baekhyun?” Oh dear. Pretending he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Really now.

“Oh you know, about Tao? How are you two holding up?” I watched a blush appear on his face probably from embarrassment or maybe hiding his shyness about it. I never really got to know who this Tao is, but apparently, he gave my brother happiness whenever they are together. I’ve seen them quite a lot, talked, sure, but not enough to really get to know each other. It was clear as daylight that Kris hyung loved the younger man, but he doesn’t seem to notice own feelings and I bet he doesn’t even know that Tao has feelings for him.

I knew something came up when Kris hyung returned home back then three years ago with a pale face and locked himself for two days. He came out of his room with a glum expression but eventually masked it so that he wouldn’t cause trouble for us. I know that something happened for the past weeks because the Kris hyung back then was back. The ignited feeling of someone who realized he’s in love with the younger male was back and he’s determined to fix whatever it was the problem they had to begin with.

“So, repeating my question. How are you two holding up?”

He lets out a sigh and started spilling the beans when he realized that I would keep pressing him about it. “I don’t know. Bad, I guess? I mean he pretended that he doesn’t remember me after getting his voice back.”

Well, that’s quite a news for me. “Are you angry at him?”

“Before when I confronted him at first, but eventually it eased down when I reminisced the past when I was with him. I knew I was in love with him, you know? Ever since that day when I attended a party with him with the kids. I thought how much I wanted a future with him, but I was afraid that he doesn’t feel the same way as I do.”

“How could you decide that for him? Look, hyung, Minho hyung and I knew that Tao likes you back as way as you do. You were just afraid to try again because of your unrequited love, right?” I replied and hearing no reply from him was enough of an answer for me.

He sighed for another time before averting his gaze to the side. His eyes spoke of guilt and grief and I knew he regretted for being a coward back then.

“So what are you going to do now? I won’t pry as to what happened between you guys, but what are your plans? You won’t let go of Tao this time, right?”I asked and he blinked before giving me his usual smirk. Ah. He does have a plan.

“Of course. I will get my answers from him after all this time. And after that, I’m taking him with me to Canada.”

“How bold of you. How sure are you that he still have feelings for you? I mean, does he still have those feelings for you?” I inquired, amazed at his daring plan.

“I had a talk with his father and his father suspected that we were dating and that I rejected his son’s feelings. But we weren’t and I realized that something was off the picture, so I had to settle things one and for all.” Kris hyung replied and I noted his words and figured that maybe indeed, Tao still has feelings for him.

I merely smiled and listened to his plan when a familiar voice called out to me and I whipped my head to where the source of the voice was. Lo and behold was Ren waving like an idiot at the entrance of the café. I quickly turned away, pretending not to notice him and I saw Kris questioning expression. 

I could feel my sweat when he had that face on and I knew I should deal with the situation quickly. Unfortunately, Ren was already at my side, a grin on his face.  I mumbled a ‘hello’ and took a peek at Kris hyung who had a smile on his face. Ren seemed to notice my brother and greeted him and fortunately, my brother understands him and greeted him back.

“So who is he, Baekhyun?” “Who are you with, Senpai?” Both of them said at once and I sighed.  Putting a crooked smile, I introduced them to each other.

“Kris hyung meet Ren. Ren meet Kris hyung. My brother.”

“Oh.” “Ah.”

I don’t even know why the atmosphere turned awkward and uncomfortable to begin with. But why am I feeling nervous for to begin with? I stood up, quickly thinking up an excuse to give to my brother to leave.

“Um, I’m sorry to leave you hyung, but I remembered telling Ren to pick me up when my break is already done. (“But you didn-Ow!”) Will make it up to you and also good luck to your plan. I do hope it goes well.” I gave Ren a quick glare to shut any retort he was about to give and looked at my brother nervously. He blinked and nodded his head.

“Sure. Thank you for the good luck by the way. I bid you good luck too, Baekhyun. Don’t hesitate to call me, okay?” he replied with a smile. I nodded and took Ren’s hand to tug him away from the table. He started whining and when were about to step out the café, I heard my brother wanting a Dacquoise and I held out an ‘okay’ sign with my free hand before finally leaving the café.

Breaking of my hold from him, he looked at me with excitement shown in his eyes.“Senpai! Senpai! So that was your brother? He’s so cool! He’s like a model. How old is he? He looks like he’s already working. What’s his work?...” Ren continued to spout questions one after another and I groaned. Too much excitement from him already wears me out.

“Stop asking questions one after another will you?” I said, irritated. He quickly shuts up and started to sulk as we walk back to the campus. I sighed. I forgot that Ren is sensitive.

I lightly punched his arm and apologized sincerely. “Sorry about that. Didn’t mean to sound irritated.”

Ren pouted and I smiled. So cute, I thought. Wait. Why the hell did I think of him as cute? Ah, but he really is cute though, just like when Chanyeol—oh. I should really stop thinking about him.

“How about I treat you for today?”

“Ice cream.”

“Mint. Your favourite right?”

“One pint.”

“Don’t be so demanding.”

“Hmph.”

Sulking like a child. Yeah. Cute, indeed. Not that I like ‘like’ him, but it’s not bad to think of that about him, I guess.

“Fine. One pint.”

[End of Baekhyun’s Point of View]

♦

Tao feels tired. His eyes were tired. His whole body was tired. He had pull off an all-nighter just to finish the documents Mun had given to him. Ever since he got back, things were already in chaos. His parents were quite alright, Luhan was alright too, but not Kris. He wasn’t expecting Kris to come back and crashing his life. He knew he shouldn’t behave like a stubborn child, but he didn’t have a choice.

Ever since that day when he made up his mind to leave Kris, he knew he regret without talking with the older man. Even if he tried to pin the blame on Kris and avoided him like a plague, he knew that Kris had a reason. That he had an explanation to give if he would just ask him the question. But Tao was a coward to ask. He was afraid that his feelings wouldn’t be reciprocated that it became a reason to why he left. But it also decision made to protect Kris and Luhan. He knew his father was cruel and a monster, who didn’t spare any thought to disown him. Though he learned from his mother that the reason why his father was like that because of a promise that must be kept and instilled within the Huang household.

Tao knew that they wanted a fine lady to be his partner, but he can’t just bring himself to look at woman that way. Besides, his heart was no longer in his possession. He already gave it to Kris and he promised himself that he would only love Kris as long as he live. That Kris was his other half and no one else.

He didn’t want to ignore Kris nor be parted with him any longer, but he was afraid that his father may do something to him and that he has a debt to pay back to his parents for letting him regain his voice back. Leave Kris behind and gain his voice back or stay with him and he loses everything. What was his choice in that bargain? It wasn’t a win-win situation or option, but rather a lose-lose one. The pain he felt was the cause of his choice to pick the first option, but even without that pain, he would leave Kris to protect him and to protect his dear friends.

“So tired,” he mumbles.

A knock resonated in his office before the door opened and Mun came in. Tao gestures the documents on his table that he had already finished it and Mun nodded.

“Good work, young master. I shall bring your hot chocolate in a few to soothe your tiredness.”

Tao closes his eyes and nodded, feeling a bit drowsy.

“Ah, young master, also this. Someone wanted to give this to you,” Mun said with a smile before picking up the documents and left. When Tao heard a soft click, he opened his eyes and rubbed it for a good measure in attempt to stay awake.

“What’s this?” He picked up the white paper folded neatly in three. Unfolding it and reading its content, his grip tightened on the paper before he loosened his grip and placed the paper back on his desk.

Let’s meet up.

Banana Tree. 13:00.

• Kris

“What are you planning hyung?”

♦

Suho headed to the cafeteria to eat his lunch after finishing his rounds in the morning. Greeting the old lady who usually served him his food, he looked around the cafeteria where to eat since it was quite packed. He grinned when he spotted someone familiar. Taking his tray with served lunch with him, he approached the lone figure eating his own lunch.

 “Sehun!” Suho called out to the doctor who was eating his lunch and the said man scowled at him.  With a grin on his face, Suho took a seat across Sehun and placed his tray on the table. There was silence at first as both men ate their lunch for the day when Suho popped a question that got Sehun to pause for a bit before he resumes his eating.

“How are you and Luhan?”

“Please do refrain from asking unnecessary questions,” Sehun answered calmly.

“Please do refrain from avoiding reasonable questions,” Suho retorted smoothly.

Sehun looked at him with his poker face while Suho appeared rather calm and had a smile on his face even though Suho knew he was pressing the wrong buttons. Sehun sighed, letting Suho knew he had won.

“Quite alright. Took him out for a treat for the flowers he sent me the other day,” Sehun uttered solemnly.

“Oh, those white clovers?”

“Yeah. Kyungsoo hyung told me that Luhan ordered a bunch of them.”

“I see. Did I already mention that he dropped by at your office to give you another bouquet of flowers? I think they were purple hyacinth or something,” Suho recalls the flower he managed to see before Luhan went in.

Sehun chuckled that it caught Suho in surprise. “Purple Hyacinth, huh? He should be.”

Not quite getting it, Suho asked for the meaning. “It means ‘I am Sorry. Please Forgive me. Sorrow,” he replied.

Sehun grumbled. “From mixed Zinnia to Pink Camellia to Red Carnation to White Clovers and now Purple Hyacinth? What does he think I am? A girl?” And yet he lets a smile cross his face for a moment before it disappears when he resumed eating his salad. Suho smiled and thinks that their relationship is in the label of ‘friends’.

“You still love him, don’t you?” Suho brought out his last question, wondering if he’ll be able to get an answer from him about it. Sehun paused and he muttered inaudibly that Suho had to strain to catch what he was saying.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I told myself that it’s already over and I had already moved on. He’s the one clinging this time and sure I do feel guilty whenever I see his pained expression, but I can’t seem to find the forgotten love, you know? It’s as if it died already,” Sehun answered truthfully. He wasn’t lying about it. He no longer felt the longing for the man who he once loved, but his heart aches whenever he sees Luhan hurting. He doesn’t know what to feel.

Suho looked at Sehun for a moment before taking in his last slice of beef. “If he’ll court you again, will you let him?”

Sehun looked at him; a wavering emotion flickered in his eyes for a moment before it died and returns to an empty gaze. “No. Not really.”

♦

To: Jongin

From: Kyungsoo

Sorry.

♦ Hey~! Guess who's back from heaven and hell? lol, sorry. I've been in and out from this site since my last update and I couldn't really bring myself to update this one. I know I had you guys waiting for this for too long and I'm thankful for those who stayed. And I know it's almost been a year and things are just alright on my part. Jude seems fine already, so I hope this story will be done around May. Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!

► Guess who's back also? Hey there everyone! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I had already forgotten the plot that I had to reread everything so that when I had to revise some things, it would fit to the original storyline. Feels great to be back so expect! Do let us know what you think. Thank you!