It was the fourth Thursday of May, and I thought I’ve been doing fine.

I tried harder for the past week igniting connections by throwing in words mid-conversation, opening my mouth to speak and not eat quietly on the lunch desk; renewing relationships by telling Seri about my day even if she couldn’t care less; inviting her for movie dates; building myself a home by visiting the Song household often, and you know what I got out of trying? Exhaustion, discomfort and disorientation.

I’m tired and bored and I’m just so done. I’m tired of waiting. It felt like time was playing a prank on me and the longer hand of the clock stopped just to laugh at me.

I wanted a change, a definite step that would alter my life completely. I needed friends even though I had some. I needed my family back.

I wanted to run for the sake of moving. It felt like I could leave everything behind and go to a better place where there wouldn’t be any of this struggle, but I was just…there: stagnant, and waiting for who knew what.  I felt like I could go but I also thought about the things that I would leave behind: these people I have come to surround myself with. And that sounded funny to me, because I felt like I had nothing at the same time.

I would usually be more indifferent but I was immensely interested when Taehyun had dropped the bomb and opened up the topic of Seungyoon’s performance.

“You should come with us, Byul. It’s tonight.”

Seungyoon was still a lot quieter than Taehyun but the awkwardness about us had long been gone. They actually felt like friends to me and not just people I ate lunch with, unlike my initial relationship with Seri.

It was these things that made me think that there was hope, there were things to do, reasons to stay.

“Will there be alcohol?”

Seungyoon’s head shot up from his phone, and Taehyun looked a bit surprised that I had asked. I was also surprised that I voiced that out.

Recently, I had been fascinated with the idea of drinking. The thought popped in my mind frequently ever since the talk with Mr. Dong.

“You drink?” Seungyoon asked, surprise evident in his tone.

“She’s an adult, Yoon. I don’t see why not,” Taehyun shrugged his shoulders off dismissively. The manner in which he said it made it seem like it was stupid of Seungyoon to have asked.

I shifted my eyes from Taehyun to Seungyoon. “I’d like to try,” I said with a smile that hopefully didn’t look off.

“Seungyoon isn’t a strong drinker. I think I’d be the one to help you on that,” Taehyun suggested and I merely nodded.

I watched as the ghost of irritation left Seungyoon’s face as quickly as it came. Though I wasn’t sure at which part of Taehyun’s statement irked him.

Seungyoon’s attention quickly went back to his phone as the conversation halted. My eyes noticed the glint of silver from his finger and it was the first time it had occurred to me what that was: a ring. Don’t mind me, I knew what a ring was. What I actually remembered was the promise I made to Mr. Dong, and that I had to give him a ring (a phone call) if I ever thought of anything relative to drinking (at least, that was how I understood it).

We just finished our classes and we were seated in the school lobby waiting for Taehyun’s friend who borrowed Seungyoon’s guitar.

It was five minutes past three, and I knew that I had to let Mr. Dong know but I didn’t know if he had classes at this hour.

I didn’t have his number so I wasn’t sure how to go about this. I could just easily dismiss the promise and he would never know, but if I slipped up (I was pretty certain I wouldn’t), he would definitely let Mino know. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want Mino to think that his best friend was on the loose while he was gone. No, I didn’t want him to think badly of me at all, but I had always been under the bad light and Mino didn’t seem to mind.

It didn’t take more than a few seconds before I announced that I had something to do and quickly left.

I hadn’t even taken the first step of the stairs connected to the lobby when I saw Mr. Dong making his way down.

“Haneu—Byul.”

“Sir,” I called, a confused expression on my face. “Who is Haneul?” The question left my mouth almost immediately and Mr. Dong looked at me as though he didn’t know the answer to the question.

“She’s no one.“

I tried to believe him, but if he always mistook me for her then I must have looked like her, though now that I think about it, it wasn’t until I cut my hair that he did.

“Really?” I cocked a brow up, and he dismissed me by lifting a hand.

He passed by me, and before I could register that he was leaving, my tongue got stuck in my throat. Didn’t I make it obvious that I had something to say?

I watched Mr. Dong’s retreating figure and I tried to call for his attention, “I—”

“Byul, I’ll pick you up at nine!” Taehyun’s voice cut me off. He was running towards me, obvious that he forgot to say that earlier.

He noticed Mr. Dong and greeted him. “Hi, hyung!”

I furrowed my eyebrows at the nickname. Where they close?

Mr. Dong whipped his head to me, eyes trying to dissect me. He bit his lip before he turned back to Taehyun.

“Where are you going?”

“Seungyoon is performing tonight. Didn’t I mention it earlie