CHAPTER 9

written in Yunho POV

It's been days and I still haven't found the confidence to go visit him in the hospital. I am not sure, I should go. I saw the articles circling around the net and I know, he knows and that leaves me scared. What if he misunderstands? What if he clings to me now even more? Can I still push him away? Nothing changed. Not really. I still don't want to have anything to do with him. I can't see him without hurting myself in the process. I just... I need to stay strong. For Changmin. For our fans. I can't let them see me break down. My family, my friends... they all know how hard this life is, how much I suffered when they left. It was hard for me to let go. I can't let all that effort go to waste. I just can't.

Another week passes by and I make a decision. I need to visit him. At least once. Netizens are pointing out my absence in the hospital and even if he is not my friend anymore, he still my costar and he did get injured protecting me so I owe him as much as a visit. Moreover, it's a perfect place for us to talk. It's private, we can be alone without the fear of being recorded or photographed and my agency will for once understand. As I said... he is hurt, it's a perfect opportunity for us to meet. I really need to set things straight. If he is... if he is hoping, I need to kill that hope now before he starts pestering me in public again.

However, my timing . As I enter the floor he is, I see Yoochun and Junsu arriving. I silently curse. I really didn't want to see the two of them. Junsu looks at me and I see shock... sadness... remorse... I look at Yoochun and my blood runs cold. Anger. So much anger. I have no time to move, he hits me before I can even blink.

"How dare you!!!" I think, he would continue to punch me until I would drop to the ground but Junsu holds him back.

"Not now, Chunnie. Think about Jae. He wouldn't want this." 

Yoochun takes a few long breaths and then looks at me again.

"Oh, I am surprised you even showed up. The poor guy almost dies saving your life but it takes you weeks to come see him. Oh, how grateful you are."

The sarcasm is evident in his voice.

"I didn't ask him to save me."

I say. I am trying to control my emotions but I am getting angry myself. Thankfully, it's evening already and the hospital is empty.

"Of course. You never had to ask, hadn't you? But he always did everything for you."

I laugh.

"Oh please... that's why he left with the first opportunity that came."

"Shut up! You don't know anything!"

"What is there to know? You betrayed the group. All of you."

"We asked you to come with us!"

"And let Changmin alone? He wasn't legal yet! What was I supposed to do?"

"Oh, don't bring Changmin into it. You didn't want to leave!"

"You are right. I didn't. What's wrong with that?! SM is not the best company in terms of taking care of us but it's pretty damn good company. We earn a lot, we have nothing to fear, why the hell would I leave?"

"Because we asked you to!"

"Oh yeah because you think you are so much better in doing music than the composers and lyricists from SM?"

"You see, this is were you are wrong. You assume we left because of our music ambition and you are right. We wanted to do something else, to explore more genres and no matter how much we pleaded, the SM wouldn't let us. As artists we felt discouraged, depressed. So we wanted to leave... We were thinking about how to do it so you could come with us or in case we had to break up... it wouldn't hurt the group that much. That we could just follow different paths. Yes. That's me and Junsu but why do you think Jaejoong left?"

Now that question hits the sore spot because Yoochun is right. I knew about them but till today, I can't understand Jaejoong. Why did he do it?

"You don't know, do you? We... We didn't want things to end up like this. We were only discussing the idea when someone from the company overheard us. They took action before we even made the final decission. That's why there was no time for us to explain. Everything went to hell fast, with the lawsuits and everything... But we wanted to keep in touch, we wanted you to understand, that it wasn't us leaving you without even properly saying goodbey. That this is not what we wanted. But you never gave us a chance. You haven't picked up the phone, you haven't responed to the messages... "

"We eventually gave up but Jaejoong didn't. For years, he still tried. Every chance he got, he would try to get in touch with you. This drama... do you know, how packed his schedule is? I have never seen him more busy. Not even back in the days when we were still under SM. But he didn't have a choice. The company said, he could do the drama only if he managed to do everything else too. I've tried to persuade him to let it go but he wouldn't hear me out. He said, he had to do this because it's the only way how to meet you again."

"So he pushed himself to the extreme only to see you but what did you do? Ignore him? Say those hurtful words to him? I am busy right now and there are certain things Jaejoong likes to keep to himself but every time I went to see him, he would cry because of you. Now let me tell you... I... We don't know why Jaejoong left with us. He never told us but whenever we brought the topic out, he would freeze, close off and there was something dark about him, something sad and broken. Whatever happened, it had to be very serious, very traumatic for him to leave you. YOU. Specifically. Because in case you hadn't notice, Jaejoong loves you. More than anyone. More than anything. And a lot more than himself. He wouldn't leave you for a selfish reason."

Yoochun is breathing hard. The talk evidently exhausted him but I also see something else in his eyes. Peace. As if he suddenly said what he wanted to say for years. Junsu pulls him into a hug and looks at me.

"I've always been the observer. I don't like to interfere. Especially, if I believe it's not my place to tell others what to do. Back then... I loved the group, the members... the life was hard but I was prepared for it. However, for me... My looks hadn't be of an idol material. It was my voice that saved me. I improved through the years but singing... music has always been my first priority. Not the fame. Not the money. Music. Yoochun understood me the most. We got along better than anyone so when we were talking about leaving..."

"I knew, that the two us would go. Eventually. It may have escalated because of SM, the unfortunate misunderstandings happened between us that trouble me a lot because no matter what happened, we were once friends, team mates who worked and practiced together and let all those years go to waste just like that... that was very painful. However, I've never expected Jaejoong to go with us. He is a music genius and I knew, even back then, that he also shared our greed for music, the love of doing the music and challenging himself."

"But... him and you... you were like a thing. He would look at you with so much adoration, it was blinding. He would always stick to you, take care of you, help you out whenever you needed him... No matter how tired or sick he was himself, he would always tend to your needs first. So I couldn't imagine anything, that would make him leave you. And yet... he did. When he said, he is going too, something inside me broke. Because I could see it... in that moment, Jaejoong was killing himself. Till today, I can't figure out why he left but honestly? I don't want to know. I am too scared of finding out the truth. Maybe, it's not our place to tell you about his feelings but he will never do it himself and you need to know. I don't want to hate you. I don't want to see you as the bad guy. I think... I think, you are being cruel because you are protecting yourself that way and you tell yourself, you have all rights to do it since it's us who wronged you but... with Jaejoong... your words, your actions... I think, you need to know how much you are destroying him and I hope... I pray, you will change because I am not sure how long he can last. We came to see him since we heard he finally woke up but we will leave you two alone tonight. Please talk."

"If you hurt him more, I will kill you."

Yoochun swears at me and they both leave. I sit on the chair in the corridor and think. Letting everything they said process in my brain. It's not easy... I feel, like my head is about to explode. He loves me? As in... really loves me? I remember all the looks he gave me, how desperate he looked during shooting, how broken his voice sounded... It's true. He does then... why? They are right. Why did he leave? I clutch my head and bow down.

Ah, Jae. Why did you do it? Why did you hurt both of us so much? I came here because I wanted to end it once and for all. To push you away again but... after this... after everything they said... I don't think I should. But I can't accept you either. I just... Damn it. Why are emotions so complicated? Why can't we have simple singular feelings about someone? Like love, hate, anger... Why are they mixing together?

Why even a single emotion can't be straightforward? It's like... I hate him in a way, that makes every pore on my body hurt and at the same time want me to hurt him, to make him feel the same pain. And yet, I love him in a way, that makes me feel warm and happy when I see him smile and want me to protect him and shield him... but that hate that is hurting me, is also protecting me, it's helping me live and that love, is also dark, killing me on the inside. It frustrates me I can't put my emotions into words and I don't know what to tell him... I can't even understand myself how can I make him understand me? What do I even want?

I don't know how long I sit there... confused and lost... trying to organize my feelings and thoughts when my phone rings. I pick up absent-minded.  

"Hyung~" The broken sobbing voice chills me to the bone. 

"Changmin-ah, what happened? Are you hurt?  Where are you?"

I am standing and running towards the door when I halt my steps with his next words.

"Jaejoong hyung... he... Oh God... We didn't know... Why didn't he tell us...?!"

"Changmin-ah, calm down. What happened?"

"I was practicing late today and when... when I was leaving I passed the office and I heard... I heard them talking about the accident... you know... the one on the set when he protected you... as you know, he is still in the hospital and he just woke up so they were talking about it... and I... I was curious so I stopped and listened on them... you know... you can't trust everything what's written on the net and I hoped they may have news about hyung so... I... but... they talked about the past... and... Oh God... he... I've never noticed... /sob/.."

"It's okay, Changmin-ah. Calm down and tell me what you heard."

"They... Jaejoong is really pretty."

My heart jumps into my throat. My knees feel weak.

"Even back then... He was so beautiful... They... They were jealous or I don't know so they... they really made it hard for him. Never when we were all together but... whenever they got him alone, they were really cruel, hyung. I can't... I can't repeat the words they called him and... and they were laughing about it... talking how much they enjoyed bringing his confidence down, making fun of him... and... and then... the director said... he... that one time he even... /sob/... hyung... he ... he forced himself on him..."

I hit the ground, squeezing my chest. Jesus. How is that possible? Why didn't he tell anybody?

"Changmin-ah, listen to me. I can't go to you now but you need to be strong and pull yourself together. It was not your fault, okay? Nothing is your fault. We... We were stupid but everything is going to be fine now, okay? I will bring him back. I will bring all of them back. We can do this together, okay? So don't cry anymore. Jaejoong wouldn't want that."

"You promise to bring them back?"

"I do. Now go to sleep, Minie."

We finish our call and I feel like puking. I am such an idiot. They were all right. How could I have not see it? I should have known, he wouldn't leave me. I sit on the floor, my back against the wall and cry. 

to be continued

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a/n: Sorry about the long wait I hope you like the chapter. Thank you for reading.