CHAPTER 6

written in Yunho POV 

When I heard we will be in the same drama I couldn't believe it. What's SM doing? How could they let it happen? Am I being punished for something? Or is this a test? And you... How could you agree to it? Are you crazy? There are so many thoughts... so many conflicting emotions... I am confused.

Now the problems between the artists and their agencies are common but back then... It was something unheard of. We were so famous, so successful... and SM is... so powerful. I know we haven't always been treated fairly, sometimes we were not even treated as humans but... who is? Especially in this industry. It's all the same so I couldn't understand why. Why would you choose your own path over us? Were you that greedy? That selfish?

I am the leader. I am responsible for the whole group. Every single member is important and precious to me. However, with Yoochun and Junsu... I could tell, they've always preffered a slightly different genre. They had a lot of music ambition and so I kinda feared that one day they would leave. I hoped, they would stick with us but... They were strong individuals, they had each other and I could imagine them forming a duo and leaving the group. Not you. Never you. 

I've trusted you so much. We may not have been the closest... You bonded better with Yoochun and I with Changmin but... You were still special to me. You were the core that was keeping us together. Your voice united ours, it gave harmony to the songs and you always took care of us. Not just cooking but the real psychological support all of us need. You would always call, text and simply be there. The feelings I've started to develop for you... I think they were stronger than just a friendship but before I could even analyze them, you left.

I can't forgive you. The betrayal... that's the saddest part, isn't it? It never comes from your enemies. I... After everything, how could you abandon me? And Changmin? He was so young back then. You two... He depended on you so much. Even more than me. You always comforted him, shared his pains... Maybe we should have talked more. Maybe there were some misunderstandings... But past is the past. We can't change it and no matter what... you left while I stayed and that's when our paths went in different directions. They may have crossed now briefly but it won't last. Our fate was already determined. We are not meant to be.

It was hard for me. Very hard. I was devasted then I became angry and then... I've got used to it. I trusted you and loved you... but when you left... I like myself enough to let you go.  The emotions were not healthy. I was desperate, crying and curled up on the bed... Then I was furious, shouting and breaking things... But you can't do that to yourself if you have any pride. And I have some. For me the best way was to block you. To burry any feelings, I've had for you. That's how I made myself to be the strong one and not to give in to you. Never again I will let you hurt me. 

When we met... I... I had to keep my distance. I thought, I would be okay, that enough time has passed but... How could you look so pitiful? I was cold and harsh but you kept coming back. Why? Do you enjoy being hurt? Because I could see it. The pain.

I could drink tears from your cheeks.

And I knew you were crying because of me. Why? If you were going to hurt so much, if you were going to hurt me, why did you do it? I try to convince myself that I don't care but... perhaps I care too much. When you come to me so obviously broken and bleeding, I can't run anymore. I lash out at you for the last time. Hoping my words will finally keep you away but I should have known. You... You never listen. Even after everything I've said to you, you still come to save me. You dash forward and protect me.

When I see you crushed under the lights... bleeding. My head spins, my heart stops beating and I run to you. There is a fire but I don't care. I don't see. I get you out, ignoring the flames around us. 

How can I be angry? How can I keep being cold? How?

When I see you like this.

to be continued

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