CHAPTER 10

written in Jaejoong POV

I don't know what to do. Is this even real? Maybe they gave me some good drugs today because why else would I be seeing Yunho here? In my room? 

"Hey~"

Oh my God. He talks. 

"Uh... I should have come sooner but I heard you were out anyway so uhm... haha... I am here now. How are you?"

He awkwardly scratches his head. He looks nervous and are his eyes red? Had he been crying? I blink. What is this?

"Jaejoong-ah?"

He looks at me with expectation and I realize I should probably reply but ... won't I appear crazy if I talk to a hallucination?

"Uhm, are you feeling okay? You look kinda out of it? Should I call a doctor?"

He looks real. My heart is beating fast, I feel out of breath. I just killed it. A moment ago. How am I supposed to face him so soon? But isn't this what I wanted? Him looking at me with something else than hate? He is actually worrying about me. I dry laugh. Oh, what an irony. I look down on my hands. I can't bear to see him.

"Hey~... no need. I feel fine. Thank you for coming."

He comes closer and it takes all of my willpower not to flinch. He sits on the chair next to my bed and looks around. I glance at him from time to time but I mostly keep staring at my hands. 

"Thank you."

Ah... Right. I saved him. I guess, he felt obliged to come.

"Thank you, too. I heard it was you who got me out."

"Well... you wouldn't need saving if you haven't pushed me away so really... it's nothing... Speaking of which... why did you do it?"

"Do what?"

I play dumb, hoping he will let it go.

"Save me."

Didn't work.

"Anyone would do the same."

"No. They wouldn't. You risked your life, you could have died. You are in this hospital because of me. Don't pretend it's nothing."

I don't know what to say. How am I supposed to react? Just his presence is making me crazy. 

"Why did you leave?"

The question cathes me off guard and I look at him. He is piercing me with his gaze and I feel exposed, ... 

"You know why."

"No... No, I don't. You never told me."

"I wanted to do a different music."

"Bull."

I wince. 

"I am telling the truth."

"No, you are not."

I wanted him to talk to me so badly... I wished for it every single day. I wanted him back but now... Now when he is here... I wish he would just go away. His questions are like interrogation... What does he want? 

"How can you be so sure? Look... I... I told you I am sorry. I didn't... I regret it but it happened and I can't go back and change it so... Why are you asking me? You said, it hurts too much... that you ... you don't want me in your future... I am so happy you came... I didn't think you would so why... why are asking about the past? It hurts me too. Can't we just start over?"

I finally manage to get out the words I hoped to tell him. Our eyes meet and I see so much sadness in them, it kills me. Why is he so sad? What changed?

"Ah... Jaejoong-ah. Have you always been such a good liar?"

I am shocked. What am I doing wrong? Have my facade already slipped without me noticing? He smiles sadly and my heart jumps to my throat.

"I know."

No. That is not possible. He is only playing me. Nobody knows. Keep calm, Jaejoong-ah. Just keep calm.

"What?"

I ask but I am so afraid of the answer. 

"The reason."

"What reason?"

"Why you left."

I want to scream at him. Who is he trying to fool? It's impossible for him to know.

"Of course you know. I just told you. It was for the music."

He shakes his head.

"Changmin heard them talking about you."

I stop breathing.

"Who?"

I rasp out.

"Company staf... the director... why didn't you tell us?"

My vision is blurry, everything appears dim. No. God no... He can't... 

"Why didn't you say anything? Do you know how much I hated you? How much I blamed you? How could you make me to be such a fool?"

Panic seize my body. I need to leave. Right now. I can't be here with him anymore. The world is dancing around me but I focus on the door. I think I can make it.

"Jaejoong-ah /sob/ Why didn't you tell me? Why? I... how am I supposed to live with myself, now? You asked for forgiveness when there is nothing to forgive... I should be the one on my knees, pleading with you... but... even if... even if you accpet my apology, how am I supposed to forgive myself? Huh? Jonggie, I am so sorry... /sob/..."

He is crying. He is crying because of me. I never wanted to kill myself more than in this moment. . What have I done? My nickname... He called me by my nickname. My heart breaks all over again and I make an effort to stand. My first instinct is telling me to go, to run away but my priority had always been him, so even now I just wish to protect him... To go to him and somehow make this better. But my body is not healed yet and with the movement, I loose my balance. He catches me.

"What are you doing?"

He shouts at me and I want to laugh.

"Going to you."

"What?"

"You are standing too far away."

He freezes.

"I have nothing to forgive either, Yunho-yah. You weren't the one hurting me. I... I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. I still can't talk about it. It's... we all have stories we will never share with anybody... I just... I wish I could protect you. From this."

He cries harder and hugs me. HUGS. My heart stops.

"Ah, Jonggie... You have no idea... no idea..."

He shakes his head, I feel his hair ruffling my skin and he tightens his hold.

"I love you."

He says and I can't stop the tears anymore. 

"I really love you as in ... I am in love with you, Jae."

My heart starts beating again but it's too fast and it's making me feel sick. Is this really real?

"I... I love you too."

I confess because really... what else am I supposed to do?

He smiles and pats my head. I feel so strange... as if this was happening only in my head. I feel tired all of a sudden. I don't want to close my eyes because what if... what if this really is a dream? I don't want to wake up but I can't fight it anymore. I am too exhausted, my body pushed to its limit and I sag onto him. Everything goes black.

When I wake up again, I have to grin. Yunho is sitting on the chair next to me, holding my hand. Exactly as in the dramas. I start laughing and my giggles wake him up.

"Finally, I see you happy."

"It's because you are here."

"I will never leave you."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

He kisses me and I swear the world has never been more perfect. 

And that is my happy ending. Him.

***

the end