CHAPTER 8

written in Jaejoong POV

I wake up early. The sun is only rising so it's not too bright yet. I don't know what to do. I am sure everyone is still asleep so I can't call them yet and I shouldn't move much. I stare at the ceiling and with a sigh I reach for my phone. I don't feel like reading the fan letters yet. 

At first, I do the same thing I did before. I check my mail and go on the news sites but there is not much added since yesterday. After a bit of hesistation, I check the fan cafes and that's when I freeze. There are many pictures of Yunho with bandaged arms and it's obvious he was hurt. My heart jumps into my throat. The nurse said nobody else was injured so how is this possible? My hands tremble but I start to read what the fans wrote.

That steals my breath away and the pain I feel, for the first time it hurts somehow beautifully. He saved me. It was him. I can't believe it. He does care. I start to laugh until my stomach hurts and tears prickle my eyes. No matter what he says, what he does... there is still a part of him that feels something towards me. That's all I need. It's enough. I can live with this much. 

However, I am so excited I forget about how would the public react to such news. As I read more of the comments, my smile fades away. It's not the hateful ones that bother me... Well, maybe a little.

"He saved him? You gotta be kidding me! After everything he did? Yunho is too kind."

"He deserves to burn in hell for how much he hurt them. I am surprised Yunho got him out."

"I can't believe Yunho hurt himself to save that piece of sh*t."

"Jaejoong is seriously a trash. I hope he hurts until he dies!"

Of course there are far more defending fans who took my side and make me feel incredibly grateful... and unworthy.

"Don't talk when you know nothing about it! I heard, it was actually Jaejoong who saved your precious Yunho oppa and got hurt in the process. Yunho only saved him afterwards and he wasn't even hurt that much."

"Yah! You are too much. Even if you hate someone wishing him such horrible things is so low. Are you even human?"

"Jaejoong saved Yunho, too, you know. I am so proud of them both. Risking your life to save someone else... whether it's a friend, a foe or a stranger, it's a very brave thing to do. We should all learn from that."

However, the ones that hurt the most... It's the yunjae shippers because I wish so desperately it would be true and yet, I know, they live in an illusion. A dream that will never be a reality.

"Oh my God. I am so happy. Well, upset they got hurt but oh my heart... They saved each other! Isn't that like the sweetest thing ever?"

"They are so obvious. Like really. Just marry already, please."

"Finally, they are together! I know Yunho was forced to keep his distance so we couldn't enjoy much of their off screen interactions but I am sure it will change now. GO YUNJAE!"

"Ah, this ship sails on its own. Guys, you are so precious. How romantic to risk your life to save the other. <3"

"It's like a real life drama. I was so worried about them. I am happy, they weren't hurt seriously but ... My yunjae heart can't take this." 

"This gives me so much feeeelllszzz ...."

I can't take it anymore. I put the phone away and wipe the tears off. I am so afraid of dreaming... of hoping... I force myself not to anymore. It just tears me apart and I am so torn already. However, when I see them... when I accidently stumble upon their blogs and communities... I can't help it. It heals a certain part of me that feels lonely because they are a proof that I am not alone in this but at the same, they stir alive something inside of me, that's supposed to stay dead and it's very hard for me to kill it. Because truth to be said... I don't want to kill it and yet, it's the only way how I can survive. 

I clutch my chest with one hand and with the other I grasp the sheets. I bow down, almost to my knees, . The position is straining my wounds but I couldn't care less. Everything is falling down on me. You know, how when you start crying about one thing, everything else that ever upset you comes back and makes you cry even more. I feel abandoned and useless. I feel stupid for still wanting Yunho as something more when I can't even reach out to him as a friend. I am grateful he saved me but upset he got hurt doing it. I am worried about him, about us, about the drama... How will he treat me now? Will anything change? What if I am again only building dream castles? 

After a few agonizing minutes where my insides burn far more than the fire from the accident and when I can't take a proper breath and my tears just keep flowing... it all stops. I chuckle through my gritted teeth. Finally. I killed it again. I lean back, exhausted. I am still pulling myself together when there is a knock on the door.

"Yeah~" I rasp out. My voice is still weak and strained but the person that enters, makes me go mute anyway. I must be hallucinating because here before me... stands Jung Yunho.

to be continued

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credits for an idea: shion-chan