‘Junjin’s still sleeping?’ he asked not because it particularly mattered but in hopes of getting his mind off the evening date. They had figured Minwoo’s plan out as soon as he’d called but that didn't make it any better.

Sneaky, Dongwan had decided but not without feeling a bit flattered. He would have agreed to a dinner date even without all the pretense. Well, he had to.

‘Let him be. He’ll come around,’ Hyesung picked at the sandwich in front of him with little enthusiasm, ‘but tell me again-' and he looked up at him with cold eyes, 'how is it fair again? You go to a fancy restaurant with hot stuff while I'm stuck fishing with the tall and dirty?’

Dongwan shrugged, not having an answer to that, and opted for stealing half of the sandwich that Hyesung was neglecting and earned a yell in return. Despite feeling hungry he couldn't swallow much. He was excited, more than he should be, and pretending was hard, especially when he had to hide it from someone who lived together with him 24/7. If Hyesung knew he was falling deeper by the minute he would call this whole thing off. Feelings were dangerous, he'd always said, and Dongwan had long crossed into the danger zone. There was every need to ring the alarms and he did feel bad for lying, but it just was one of those things one did without listening to all the warning signs. 

Even if Minwoo was a player he didn’t care.

‘Hey!’ Hyesung protested and reached to grab him but failed as the other was faster.

‘Let’s not stall anymore, ok?’ Dongwan gave him one more look before taking his scarf and leaving. This run-in with Minwoo was just an excuse for Hyesung to get closer to Eric. It didn't mean anything. Just an escape from the reality, if only for one day.

***

Junjin heard them both talking. Then, the door shutting. Then, Hyesung busying around in the kitchen.

He’d been staring at the ceilings since he woke up, having no interest in getting up. The ceiling had not become more exciting since he had opened his eyes, if anything they had become even more bleak and adjusted to match the empty feeling inside his chest. It felt like having been let free after years of imprisonment before being confined  to this coffin once again. Hyesung had scolded him for acting so depressed but then again he scolded him every morning and left only when tired of his own nagging.

The room was cold. So cold that his  breath was visible when he exhaled. He’d opened the window and let the cold air in to fill the room and  match the coldness he felt inside.

His phone lay still on the only other piece of furniture in the room except for the bed and the wardrobe – a small nightstand they had bought when they moved to here. They had all gone out that day and it'd been fun but now that seemed like an eternity ago. The small space was completely overtaken by everything that could be possibly put onto it. It was also the only place Hyesung refused to clean, probably out of confusion if what he threw out was something essential like Dongwan’s car keys, or Junjin’s medicine or crap like useless trinkets and parking tickets.

The phone stayed silent as usual, Dongwan or Hyesung being the only two people who ever called him. Somehow that really bothered him now.

Junjin rolled on his side, looking at the deceitful device. Andy hadn’t called. Despite his promise. Not even a message. Had he imagined all of it? Imagined going outside of that hospital that day? Imagined rushing down the street when his heart threatening to burst, the feeling of a warm hand holding his own the only safety to cling onto? Imagined drinking scolding hot chocolate that hurt his tongue and made his eyes teary? Imagined talking and laughing in an actual café full of actual people? Imagined feeling normal and happy and content for a while? Imagined Andy's pale face when he realized the time they had spent together and how late it was? Their faces had matched each other’s and they couldn’t help but laugh in their misery. Giving into that simple feeling of being content with himself had been too much. He was too messed up to be liked by anyone.

‘Freezing is one of the last favourable opinion of dying’ Hyesung petted his hair, the soft voice of his rarely heard.

'Why don’t you just tell me what’s wrong?

‘Not this again’ there was annoyance in Hyesung's voice as he got up and the next thing he knew the older was putting a blanket over him, tucking him in. He probably should feel guilty but he was feeling too lethargic to care.

'If you really need to know then the answer is no. No, I wouldn't. So don’t start getting all those negative thought in your head without consulting me first. Are you going to be fine by yourself this evening? I told Dongwan to be home early but you never know with him and I will be back tomorrow afternoon'

‘Aren’t you going to drown?’

Hyesung hit his shoulder playfully, messing up his already wild hair.

‘I’m not that bad’

Neither said anything after that and Hyesung decided the best way to end their conversation was to gather all the dirty clothes from the floor and leave without saying a word.

So what.

Not that he cared or had a reason to care.

Junjin decided it best to continue staring at the ceiling when he noticed his phone lit up.

Curious, he took a look, blooming into a smile when he saw a message from Andy.

Sorry for not calling, had a little heart attack.

It made Junjin chuckle, then wonder if that was meant to be taken as a joke or seriously. Despite the double meaning of the message he couldn’t help but smile, his heart fluttering.

I think I had a mental breakdown while waiting for your message.

Then he wondered how healthy it was for both of them to be making fun of their issues.

Sorry

When Hyesung returned from the cellar downstairs- the place where a shared washing machine could be found- Junjin had made it to the dinner table, surprising him with his healthy appetite. He entered the apartment just when the other was finishing the last bits of the sandwich Dongwan hadn't managed to steal. Somehow he just couldn't win today.

‘what now all of sudden?’

Hyesung put the now empty sack of clothes away as he took a seat next to the younger.

‘When are you leaving?’

And now Hyesung was sure that Junjin wanted him out of the house. He only didn't know why. It made him grab Junjin’s hand before he'd taken the time to judge all the pros and cons of doing so and pinned him down with a hard look.

‘You’re not going to do anything foolish, right? Because you’re my baby bird and I love you more than the rest of the the entirety of the universe and you cannot do anything stupid'

Junjin chuckled in return, grinning and squeezing his hand in what was supposed to be a calming manner.

‘I won’t. I promise not to do anything stupid, hyung. I swear. I was just feeling down because you and Dongwan had a fight and it was my fault. But now I'm better. That’s it’

That was so not it. Hyesung's feeling that Junjin wasn’t telling the entire truth didn't let go but there was nothing he could do. It had been hard the first time the younger had lied to him. Having to accept that Junjin didn’t trust anyone completely, not even him, was still a challenge after all these years.

‘Just- be good’ he said before giving the younger a hug. A look at the watch told him it was time to leave so he grabbed the bag with things he'd prepared beforehand and gave the room one last look. He hesitated at the door, staring at Junjin unnecessary long as if wanting to say something but deciding against it and left with just a goodbye.

With the other out of sight Junjin rushed to the bedroom and read the message that he had heard arriving. He felt his heart quickening and his cheek flush. He felt adventurous, scared and most of all, alive. Andy had asked him if he wanted to hang out and Junjin had agreed. Who cared if it was possible or not? They just needed to arrange this somehow.

I could drive to get you. Where do you live?’

Junjin could feel his face burning, thousand warning kept repeating in a loop with the voice of nagging Hyesung in his head when he proceeded to type the address.

He shouldn’t. Hyesung would go mad if he did. He shouldn't talk to strangers at all. He should sit home and behave.