It was a late evening. 

His phone had not rung once. 

Hyesung was sitting at the table rethinking every choice he had made up to this point in his life, a blank look hooding his face. He had been calling Junjin non-stop. He had long gone over his limit of text messages and even left a dozen voicemails begging for Junjin to answer. 

Dongwan had been mad. He couldn't recall the last time he'd seen him so furious. Without waiting for any further explanations he had rushed out to look for their younger on the streets. 

‘Stay here and wait. If he returns home before I find him you're blessed' he had threatened him with one foot outside the doorway 'can’t believe you just left him there!’ 

Dongwan had threatened him. Dongwan had gotten angry with him. Dongwan had told him what to do. Dongwan never told him what to do! It just didn't work like that around here. This had to be the first time in ages Hyesung felt guilty and it was not a nice feeling. 

The cup of tea he had made earlier was cold and stagnant now, not touched and unlikely to be. The thought that just a couple of hours ago he had come home, enjoyed a nice, relaxing bath and then waited for Junjin to call him without a worry on his mind seemed like a faraway paradise. When the call hadn't come at the usual time Junjin's appointment ended, Hyesung had immediately known all hell was to break loose. 

He had called the hospital and the doctor had been busy. However he had threatened the nurses, he couldn't get ahold of him. The nurse had told him to try calling an hour later and he had actually done so but then the doctor had another appointment and he'd fleetingly told him to wait for one more hour as if that was the most natural thing to do when you have a stressed guy shouting at you on the line. Then he had called the doctor names and insulted him enough to get him arrested the next time he would dared to show up at the hospital. That meant they would have to change the hospitals yet again. 

Hyesung shoved the cup away in disgust, shuddering from the cold as if only now noticing the room having turned nasty and bleak without the usual charm of his friend. He cradled his legs to his chest, resting his chin on his knees and wondering if this was how true loneliness felt. Just this morning Junjin had woken up in the same bed as him and he had looked happy or at least content if not happy. Except for the toaster incident early on they had eaten a big breakfast and talked. Dongwan had complained so much, too much, telling Junjin how bad Hyesung had behaved and Junjin had laughed heartily. Why had he agreed to Junjin's stupid suggestion of being more independent? Sure he seemed to be doing much better lately but that didn’t mean he actually was any better. He had lost Junjin because of a bath and a tea and that just seemed stupid. 

‘Idiot’ Hyesung grumbled and dragged himself to the bedroom, falling down on the bed as if all energy had left him. His head had gradually gone from hurting to soothing to shattering his brain. But what was hurt most was his pride. He was supposed to be the responsible one. 

His phone lit up and he startled, grabbing at it with eagerness, almost falling out of the bed as he looked at the screen. His face turned to disgust when he realized the number was Eric's because Eric was the last thing he wanted to be thinking of now. 

‘Screw you’ he threw his phone away, falling back on the bed. Eric and the entire planet. Without Junjin there was no reason to go through with any plans. 

‘I hate you’ he yelled, well aware that Eric could not actually hear him and that made it all just a little bit worse. It was ridiculous to get so angry at an unanimated object but there just wasn't anything else. 

‘Why can't Junjin just come back’ he wondered, hiding his face in the pillow and pulling the covers up, making a little messy forth out of them. Why couldn’t Junjin just really come back? That would be so convenient. And easy. Why couldn't things ever be easy? 

Not feeling any strength or will to move, Hyesung lay there until his breathing evened out and the disheartening buzzing of the lamp lulled him to sleep.

***

He woke up to in complete darkness from a soft brush against his cheek. He shot up, looking around with a nervous aggression before noticing Junjin sitting at the side of the bed looking apologetic and Dongwan not far behind. And he would have believed it all to be a dream if not for the pathetic ‘sorry, hyung’ that Junjin let out and the weak hug that followed. 

Hyesung stared at Dongwan in disbelief, wanting to say something but feeling completely paralyzed. His chest started to heave heavily against his will and the tears which hadn’t come before flowed on their own. It was then when Dongwan smiled, joining them both on the bed, and Hyesung couldn't have hated him more. The older cradled his face in his arms, daring to even comment on the entire situation. 

‘Oh wow, tears? That's a rare sight to see. Forgive me? Shouldn't have been so angry. It's not like it was your fault Jinnny decided to play tricks on us’ 

Hyesung gritted his teeth, pushing Dongwan away, and grabbed Junjin instead, hugging him closer and pressing his face to his shoulder to hide his embarrassment. ‘I’m going to kill you’ he muttered while shaking uncontrollably, ‘and I’m going to kill you too’ he snapped and shot a hateful look towards Dongwan who immediately whimpered in response, the fear of their leader’s wrath deeply sowed in his heart. 

It was not everyday Hyesung allowed anyone to see him cry. It had been years since he had allowed anyone this privilege. 

‘But you didn’t answer your phone and I called you repeatedly!’ 

‘It's not like I was the one who didn’t answer his phone’ 

Pushing Junjin away, Hyesung got out of the bed obviously enraged, seething in his unfounded anger and in need to take it out on somebody. If Dongwan didn’t think of something fast this could only bring Junjin to another panic attack and he had already given him one with his driving back home. 

Without much thought Dongwan threw himself at Hyesung, accompanied by a shrill shriek probably (hopefully) coming from the younger. Both of them fell and hit the floor hard, complete silence taking over the room. It was not one of his finest plans but it seemed to work as Hyesung stayed frozen, having not made any efforts to move. So maybe being spontaneous was not the worst possible decision.

When Hyesung finally spoke the few words sent cold chills down Dongwan's spine. 

‘If you don’t get off of me this instant I’m going to cut you and I am going to feed you to the strays.'

And, knowing Hyesung, that could just as likely happen. 

They all decided to calm down after Junjin had started crying, and take a time out for half an hour and meet up in the kitchen afterward. Just for the sake of compromise Dongwan promised to spend the next thirty minutes sitting alone in the bathroom. Junjin and Hyesung really needed some time to talk and the apartment offered little to no room for privacy. The bathroom was not the worst thing to be, Dongwan thought while looked at the peeling ceilings and wondering if it was any worth in painting them. His day, admittedly, had been eventful. Even his cough had seemed to have lessen due to all the excitement. And Minwoo had been texting him, asking him out on a date, just the two of them... 

It was flattering yet he couldn’t stop thinking of what Eric had said at one point during their evening together. Minwoo was a player. He did not care for feelings. Dongwan was nothing but a game to him and, theoretically, he should be really happy about it instead of getting worked up. It was better that way, more convenient, and yet- if only his heart would cooperate. Instead it went crazy every time his thoughts wondered to that silken voice. His smile, the smell of his skin when he leaned close, the touch of his fingers on his skin...the light kisses on his lips. He yearned for more. And after a long day at the construction site he worked at whenever he had a free moment, coming home to a panicking Hyesung and a missing Junjin and dealing with all their was not what he wanted, not when his thoughts kept wandering back to those warm hands and those sensual lips. 

Minwoo's words meant nothing, just a sweet pretense, but at the moment he didn't mind getting lost. 

Hyesung had been so irresponsible. He had felt so angry and he had wanted to hit him. He was surprised he had held back. Even though he still felt some leftover anger boiling inside, he was mostly just relieved that everyone was safe. 

He shook his head, looking at the dirty cracks on the walls and the scratched material of the bath and he wondered, really wondered after a long time of not caring, what was he doing with his life. He seriously didn't know anymore. 

'Guys, it’s not that great in here!’ he yelled as he decided that getting out of the bath could be a start to doing something. He cracked the door open, feeling slightly guilty that it had only been ten minutes that he had spent there, but he was so tired. 

‘Just sit there a bit longer’ he was met with Junjin’s reddening face while his voice cracked at the end of the sentence. Other than that he seemed doing better than Dongwan had expected. He took a quick glance at the kitchen and saw Hyesung sitting there, a cup in front of him and his eyes unfocused, staring in the distance like there had ever been anything interesting to see. So they were talking. Maybe. It were nice if he was also sometime included in their talks but- 

'Fine’ Dongwan mumbled and closed the door. 

So nice to know his friends appreciated his efforts. He got back into the bath, mindlessly tracing the cracks he'd inspected before. They felt rough underneath his fingers. Like something real, something to hold on to. 

Junjin had surprised him, though. Dongwan had gone straight back to his car when he'd learned from Hyesung that Junjin hadn’t returned. There was no sense in sitting at home and hoping for a miracle to happen. They never did, not with them. He needed to act. 

He called Junjin numerous times while driving around the city aimlessly without much success, but one call finally got through and the first words into the receiver were ‘I’m scared, Wanny’ 

Junjin had sounded downright miserable and he feared that the worst had happened. Whatever the worst was, it had definitely happened. Now thinking back at it the worst would have been Junjin being dead but he hadn't sounded too dead. To Dongwan's excuse, he wasn't the best at thinking in stressful situations.

'I tried calling Hyesungie but he’s not answering and now I’m afraid that he’s going to kill me’ 

At that point Dongwan had let out a ridiculously loud and unnatural laugh, not knowing if he should cry or shout or just hang up to not crash in the nearest house. If Junjin's biggest fear was getting killed by Hyesung he had all the reasons to fear Dongwan as well because he also considered murdering him. He also wanted to get drunk. At least he felt like he needed to. 

‘But -you're fine?’ he had asked halfheartedly, just to make sure. When Junjin had replied that he was alright Dongwan pulled the car to the side and sat there with his head on the steering wheel for several minutes, just breathing. To breathe felt nice.

Afterwards he had asked Junjin of his whereabouts, surprised to find him at a cafe near the hospital. 

‘It’s a long story’ Junjin had seemed extremely apologetic and Dongwan hadn't questioned it. He wanted to but he needed to tell Hyesung first about finding their mischievous kid. But now Hyesung wasn't answering and Dongwan saw how his life gradually spiraled into an abyss. He drove back home without yielding to any of those silly traffic rules obsessively trying to offer him life saving advice and if Junjin had been scared he had been too scared to talk, and Dongwan had been too worried to care. His mind had gone wild, insane thoughts of finding Hyesung having hung himself in the bedroom or stumbling onto bloody body parts at the building because he had jumped out of the window messing with his head. 

Of course he didn't find any body parts and everything was forgotten once he had rushed to the bedroom and found Hyesung sleeping there, peacefully. It was almost too cute seeing him there, looking like a little lost kid with the covers carelessly draped abound the slim form, his phone discarded somewhere in the corner. Such a little incident yet it made Dongwan realize just how dependent he was. 

They needed the money. Needed it to get out of this slum and live a normal life. Without the slave hours and unpaid bills and cracks in every wall. 

A scratching sound like a rat trying to get inside the room brought Dongwan back to reality and soon the door opened, Junjin peaking inside, with an insecure smile on his lips. 

‘Heya’ Dongwan smiled back and waved at him, his own smile widening into a grin when he saw Hyesung appearing beside the younger, his mouth forming his typical scowl. That typical scowl when he wanted to say something but was too shy in actually doing so, like thanking, or apologizing. 

‘It’s fine, guys,’ Dongwan waved them off, falling back into the bath like it was a lounge chair, suddenly feeling super satisfied with himself, 'even if you don’t appreciate me at all I still love you’  

tbc

A/N: Yeah, it's true, this is turning more and more crap. The editing alone is killing me and after I'm done it's like a Poodle turned into a Chihuahua. Meh. Also, just ditch them already, Dongwan, you deserve better. And for the love of God do I need to update this more often or this will take years to finish. 

Oh, and I'm still so shocked whenever I get these super long and detailed reviews because I am left speechless and instead of thanking I say nothing at all. :( I'm sorry for being ungrateful. But thank you, because you all just reading and enjoying my story is fantastic. And yay for my votes and subscribers and anyone reading and...*cut off because the speech is getting too long*